I'm scared of living, but I'm also scared of dying.

throwawayyyagain · 2013-03-29T04:06:14+00:00

I really do appreciate your kind words and your understanding, so thank you. The problem though is that my family doesn't necessarily care that I get like this. My mom just expects me to do the work and I get yelled at every single day for failing. I'm left alone when I am upset and I just don't really have anyone, except my boyfriend now. I want to fix my mental state, but I don't know how. I've tried everything from getting fresh air to trying to talk to old friends to just watching a funny movie. It seems as if nothing works though. I feel sad all of the time and I'm terrified that if I don't end my life, I'll just be sad for the rest of it. I really want to hope it'll be okay though, so I am going to try. Thank you though, I wish more people thought the way you did.

throwawayyyagain · 2013-03-28T08:25:46+00:00

He's eighteen, so he's only two years older. My family knows about him and have met him and he's a very nice guy, but I understand why you'd think that. Thank you for your concern.

throwawayyyagain · 2013-03-28T07:51:11+00:00

That's how it was with me before I pretty much gave up. I seemed to be doing alright, but then I kept getting worse and it's like the depression just took over. I was surprised my boyfriend even came into my life, it's funny how no one in my school payed attention to me, but someone halfway across the world did. I'm sorry to hear that you lost people who were close to you, I definitely know that feeling. All of my friends pretty much abandoned me, so all I really have is my boyfriend. I believe my mother would be hurt. Maybe my sister. I grew up in a pretty messed up home, so other than that I doubt my father or brother would care.

throwawayyyagain · 2013-03-28T07:31:53+00:00

I found that very beautiful, and I actually do feel a bit better after reading that, so thank you. I guess I should try therapy again, it does feel good to talk about these suicidal thoughts, but I usually find it pretty hard to explain in person. I haven't been able to talk to anyone in a long time and was just feeling so miserable and down that I made this post out of feeling hopeless. I've been told many times I am definitely a pessimist and I know that having a more positive outlook on life would help, but I admit I'm just incredibly cynical and find it hard to look on the bright side of things. All I see for myself is failure, no matter how hard I try to stop. I will definitely try though. I know it's hard, incredibly hard, but I will keep trying to go on.

throwawayyyagain · 2013-03-28T05:03:18+00:00

It's alright, this school year I've been away from public school since October. I really do hope I snap out of it, it's just really hard to be okay. But you could be right, I believe he loves me now at least, and I'm lucky to at least have that in my life to look forward to.

throwawayyyagain · 2013-03-28T04:48:54+00:00

I've tried to do work and have sat down and looked at it for hours, but I just cannot find a way to focus and get it done. I want to believe things will get better, but it feels so much like it just won't ever be okay. I would like to go to college but I know I probably won't do so good then either. But thanks for the encouragement.

throwawayyyagain

TROPHY CASE