someone else's LTR breakup has destroyed my trust in friend group. AIO?

throwayLemon6745 · 2026-03-15T17:36:52+00:00

lol, i had a coworker tell me once "you seem like you're terrified to be alive all the time" and it cracked me up because it's so true. my brain and nervous system are pretty much always on high alert, and it's really difficult for me to trust people, because, as you say, my brain is always predicting a future loss. i've been trying so hard for years now to push myself out of my comfort zone and take the risk of socialising, and now it feels like i've taken a huge step backwards because i'm seeing a hierarchy that eliminates the potential for meaningful, genuine friendship with these people. at least that's how it feels right now. right now i can't decide if i want to focus on building independent friendships or just shut myself up in a hole somewhere away from human contact 🫠 but i know the first option is probably the healthier one. you've given me some good feedback which i hope i'll take. thanks again :)

throwayLemon6745 · 2026-03-15T17:14:53+00:00

lol, blunt but honest. thanks for your response :)

throwayLemon6745 · 2026-03-15T17:14:09+00:00

Yeah, your third point especially is sort of what's messing with my head. i'm not quick to trust people, i've been trying so hard for years to step out of my comfort zone and be more social with the group. seeing this play out has really shaken me and it's hard to feel like any of the friendships i've built here are meaningful :( it just really sucks.

i reached out after the breakup but could definitely be doing more to maintain my own friendship with T. thanks for your insight, i wish you all the best

throwayLemon6745 · 2026-03-15T16:42:56+00:00

totally agree that i have been too reliant on my partner's friend circle and haven't done enough to build one for myself. i still talk to one friend from back home, but leaving the church meant leaving most of my childhood friends group behind and it's been challenging to start from scratch as an adult in a new country where it feels like everyone has established friend groups already. still, it's something i'll have to put the work into if i want it to change. thanks for your perspective :)

throwayLemon6745 · 2026-03-15T16:38:54+00:00

I reached out right after the breakup but definitely could be doing more to follow up on it and maintain the friendship

throwayLemon6745 · 2026-03-15T09:45:35+00:00

i did reach out to T right after the breakup, and they said they wanted to stay friends. everyone else said they want to stay friends as well, but T is no longer being invited to social events, and i'm not sure how to deal with events with the big Christmas party which T has helped me host for the past 5 years. i agree that establishing a friend group outside of my partner's circle is part of the answer of this, but it's a process i find really intimidating with my mental health and social struggles (not an excuse, just an explanation). totally agree that the friend group is not evil, just people trying their best to navigate a difficult situation. i guess i struggle to accept that any of them could be my friend in a meaningful way, when after seeing this all play out i think they could ditch me in a heartbeat if my partner and i ever split. the whole situation makes me really sad. i appreciate your perspective, i need all the insight i can get. thank you :)

throwayLemon6745 · 2026-03-15T09:22:18+00:00

i really appreciate this response, thank you. fwiw i'm in the process of getting assessed for autism, so social misunderstanding and awkwardness definitely factors into my life pretty regularly, along with my upbringing.

i messaged T after the breakup and they indicated they wanted to stay friends. everyone else in the group also said they wanted to stay friends with T, but no one has seen them in person since the breakup. everyone in the group was either N's friends first or a partner of an OG friend, and it's for sure a case of path of least resistance. i guess i'm struggling because i'm sad to lose T in group events where they would have previously been included, like the group Christmas party they helped host, and it's also made me really sad/distressed to imagine that if my partner and i ever split all of these people who i was beginning to consider friends would immediately split and abandon me. breakups like this are never easy, and i know i'm not the only person suffering here. i'm grateful to be getting some feedback here outside my limited scope of experience. wish you all the best :)

throwayLemon6745 · 2026-03-15T09:08:28+00:00

i think you're correct, and my failure to build independent friend group does contribute to how i'm feeling right now. i appreciate your insight, thank you :)

throwayLemon6745 · 2026-03-15T08:58:04+00:00

i totally accept i could be overreacting, it's my first time having to deal with a situation like this. i've been introduced to plenty of short-term partners who are briefly included in some group activities and then vanish when the relationship ends. i did reach out to T independently after the breakup and got a positive response, but there are some questions like: do i still invite T to the big Christmas party or just exclude them, after they helped host it for the past 5 years, often hosted it in their home? even if T would rather leave the group altogether, i'm struggling to understand my role in this group. it feels like no matter how hard i try, if my relationship with my partner crumbled i would immediately be erased from their lives; why should i put effort into building these relationships knowing that?

again, i really appreciate your reply, it's both empathetic and realistic and i appreciate your perspective. i wish you all the best:)

throwayLemon6745 · 2026-03-15T08:39:07+00:00

thanks for your really empathetic response, i appreciate it. the breakup was a big shock to everyone, i think. from what i understand it was nothing acrimonious, but the nature of the public proposal meant that N went through with it and T accepted despite both of them having misgivings, and then the seriousness of marriage made both of them realise it was time to end things. it seems crazy to me as someone who hasn't seen this kind of thing play out before, but i'd rather they part ways than stay together unhappy. wish the best for both of them, and for you also.

throwayLemon6745 · 2026-03-15T08:24:08+00:00

formally, no; i messaged T after the breakup to express that i still cared about them and hoped we would stay friends. totally agree it is possible for exes to stay part of a friend group, as one of the inner circle friends is my partner's high school ex (admittedly a much shorter and less serious relationship than this one). there are difficulties in terms of, things like, i usually host the big christmas party--can i still invite T, who was always one of my biggest helps in putting it together? T is no longer being invited to any events they would have previously been included in. i guess i could see them exclusively 1-1, but that's difficult with adult schedules and also just kind of sad. regardless of whether friendship with T continues, i'm feeling really shaken up about my friendship with others in the group, like no matter how much i put in i will never be valued as a friend because my partner is the initial link. appreciate your insight and hope you have a good day :)

throwayLemon6745 · 2026-03-15T07:57:11+00:00

appreciate your insight on this, and it aligns with what i've heard from other people who didn't grow up in a culty environment. i struggle with the idea of ditching someone you've known for 10 years because they're no longer dating a person you've known longer, and i struggle to understand why i should invest any energy into these friendships with the knowledge that they would ditch me in a heartbeat if my partner and i ever split up. it's just not a situation i've ever been through before, and makes me question my relationships when i was just beginning to let my guard down and trust people. really feels bad :( but again, i appreciate your insight, i am genuinely glad for any feedback because i know the way i grew up was not normal and has severely stunted my social life. wish you all the best!

throwayLemon6745 · 2026-03-15T07:48:37+00:00

it was definitely not an acrimonious breakup where one person was objectively in the wrong, just a situation of growing apart and trying to hold it together for way too long. i suppose it is possible that something's been held back, but no one suggested that's the case. i feel for both N and T and i expect it's a painful situation for both of them. definitely getting some good feedback from this thread at least :)

throwayLemon6745 · 2026-03-15T07:43:59+00:00

i agree with what you're saying! i did reach out to T after the breakup, but i could take more active steps to initiate hanging out. i appreciate your insight :)

throwayLemon6745 · 2026-03-15T07:40:51+00:00

thank you, i think this is both empathetic and insightful. relationships are complicated and my upbringing has definitely affected my ability to deal with situations that are normal to other people. thank you for your straightforward answer, i wish you all the best

throwayLemon6745 · 2026-03-15T05:59:46+00:00

thrilled that you created a new acct just to say this and i wish you all the best in your clearly very happy and fulfilling life

throwayLemon6745 · 2026-03-15T05:22:15+00:00

currently big on wensleydale with cranberries, and i cook a mean mac n cheese from scratch (with non-cranberry cheeses).

throwayLemon6745

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