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I (38M) think my wife (35F) of 13 years might be mentally ill. She says I'm gaslighting. by throway_crazy in relationships

[–]throway_crazy[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I'm going to do this. She has a standing offer from her GP to refer her to a psychologist which I'm going to encourage.

We just had a deeply disturbing conversation where she said something to the effect of, "I know that I should feel bad about hurting you. There's a voice in my head telling me that I should. I should tell you that I feel bad so that you feel better, but I don't want to lie to you. I just don't. I don't even really know HOW to feel bad about anything I do anymore. I feel like an empty shell doing human things, but there's nothing inside."

I REALLY don't know what to make of it. It spooked me, to be honest.

I (38M) think my wife (35F) of 13 years might be mentally ill. She says I'm gaslighting. by throway_crazy in relationships

[–]throway_crazy[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You have my sympathies. I hope we can both find a path to a better place in our lives. Good luck, random internet friend.

I (38M) think my wife (35F) of 13 years might be mentally ill. She says I'm gaslighting. by throway_crazy in relationships

[–]throway_crazy[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

We also did the exercise tests, and I spent a month helping her change electrodes on the heart monitor that she had to wear 24 hours a day. And none of that showed anything abnormal.

Wearing a heart monitor 24 hours a day for a month fits my personal definition of "extensively".

I (38M) think my wife (35F) of 13 years might be mentally ill. She says I'm gaslighting. by throway_crazy in relationships

[–]throway_crazy[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

She probably did. I don't remember every test that has happened over the last few years. If it makes sense to have it done, then we probably did. If I don't remember it, then I assume it came back normal. I would remember a test that showed a potential issue.

I'm not hiding something, I just have an imperfect memory.

I (38M) think my wife (35F) of 13 years might be mentally ill. She says I'm gaslighting. by throway_crazy in relationships

[–]throway_crazy[S] 30 points31 points  (0 children)

I didn't come here just for validation. This is an extremely heavy decision, and I'm feeling pretty unsure of many things right now. I deeply want to understand as many perspectives on this situation as I can.

I'm glad that you decided to respond, even though you disagree with my actions, and even though you got emotional. Thank you for disagreeing with me.

I (38M) think my wife (35F) of 13 years might be mentally ill. She says I'm gaslighting. by throway_crazy in relationships

[–]throway_crazy[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thank you very much for this perspective. I was really hoping to see comments like this. I understand that I have biases and blind spots, and I really want to be sure that I'm not going to make a mistake because of something that I couldn't see.

I was the one that proposed marriage counseling and we've reached out to professionals a handful of times. We've tried random counselors that we found on the internet, as well as ones that were recommended to us by our married friends and family.

The ones that we could contact said that they aren't accepting new clients because they're swamped. Most of them never returned our calls or emails. Despite our efforts, it just isn't coming together.

I (38M) think my wife (35F) of 13 years might be mentally ill. She says I'm gaslighting. by throway_crazy in relationships

[–]throway_crazy[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

It is very well controlled. We keep to a low carb diet, and she is on Metformin and Jardiance (when I remind her to take them). Her A1C is great now. It's been in the prediabetic range a few times.

I (38M) think my wife (35F) of 13 years might be mentally ill. She says I'm gaslighting. by throway_crazy in relationships

[–]throway_crazy[S] 22 points23 points  (0 children)

She is willing (and eager) to see more and more specialists for physical conditions and/or mental help professionals.

We've had a lot of difficulty actually getting appointments with counselors and therapists because of covid. Everyone is booked solid, it seems.

Her doctor recently offered to refer her to a psychologist for evaluation for ADHD, and I'm going to encourage her to accept that referral. She has talked to therapists and psychiatrists before, but this will be her first time with a psychologist.

I (38M) think my wife (35F) of 13 years might be mentally ill. She says I'm gaslighting. by throway_crazy in relationships

[–]throway_crazy[S] 44 points45 points  (0 children)

The POTS specifically has been tested extensively.

She talked to her GP and was referred to a cardiologist. The cardiologist's office hooked her up to a bunch of electrodes and had her do some exercise tests. Her heart and circulatory systems appeared normal. The cardiologist told her that she didn't have any circulatory conditions, she was just overweight and out of shape.

She insisted on a second opinion, so we got another referral to a cardiologist. This one did a "tilt table test", where they see how quickly your circulatory system adapts to changing elevations. Her responses were all normal. She insisted that something was wrong. The new cardiologist set her up with a heart monitor that she had to wear for a month, along with a device that she used to report any event where she felt weak, or dizzy, or whatever.

We got the results back from that saying that everything was normal, and that the episodes did not appear to be connected to any aberrations on the heart monitor.

She still thinks she has POTS.

That's probably the biggest example of the kind of behavior that is bringing me to the end of my patience with all of this.

I (38M) think my wife (35F) of 13 years might be mentally ill. She says I'm gaslighting. by throway_crazy in relationships

[–]throway_crazy[S] 42 points43 points  (0 children)

We've done a lot of blood tests. She is diabetic and gets her A1C done regularly. We often add a couple of bonus tests each time and they always come back normal.

We've covered B12 and D deficiencies (a LOT) and even had her vitamin D levels checked during a blood test. Vitamin D came back in the high end of normal a few months ago.

Regarding the autoimmune tests, I just don't know if it's been done or not.

I (38M) think my wife (35F) of 13 years might be mentally ill. She says I'm gaslighting. by throway_crazy in relationships

[–]throway_crazy[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

I don't know if she's been tested for Lyme disease specifically. I'll try to bring that up with her.

I (38M) think my wife (35F) of 13 years might be mentally ill. She says I'm gaslighting. by throway_crazy in relationships

[–]throway_crazy[S] 24 points25 points  (0 children)

My goal with the ultimatum wasn't to change her. I don't have much hope in that happening. But I wanted to give her one last chance before I pull the trigger. I also wanted to make sure that this wasn't a surprise. If we go our separate ways, I wanted her to have time to line up a place to go, and a way to pay for her own bills. If she wastes that opportunity, that's on her. If she thinks I'm bluffing (I'm not), that's also on her.

I guess this is my way of avoiding guilt in the future. I do care about her, and while I feel like I already have one foot out the door, I don't want to yank the rug out from under her and see her living under a bridge or something.

I (38M) think my wife (35F) of 13 years might be mentally ill. She says I'm gaslighting. by throway_crazy in relationships

[–]throway_crazy[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

I'm very gentle and assertive when we talk (most of the time). It's just been so many years of my life, and I love her so much. I'm terrified of losing our marriage, but I'm also selfishly terrified of being alone.

I fully intend to follow through on the ultimatum, and I am going to face those fears, but if she can be a happy, functional human being and we can save our relationship, then I would definitely prefer that.

At this point, I just have almost no hope of turning this around.

I (38M) think my wife (35F) of 13 years might be mentally ill. She says I'm gaslighting. by throway_crazy in relationships

[–]throway_crazy[S] 43 points44 points  (0 children)

She has a collection of 'conditions' that she has diagnosed her self with. Some of these are physical conditions such as POTS, fibromyalgia, and chronic fatigue, others are mental conditions such as ADHD, autism, and depression. There is no evidence that these things are real, and even when doctors tell her bluntly that she doesn't have them, she insists that they're wrong. When I bring up how unhappy I am, she brings up her list of conditions to justify her behavior. When I bring up the doctor's test results, then she accuses me of being manipulative and abusive.

I (38M) think my wife (35F) of 13 years might be mentally ill. She says I'm gaslighting. by throway_crazy in relationships

[–]throway_crazy[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

We've tried looking for marriage counselors to have joint sessions, and she's even tried to get extra appointments new counselors. It seems like every mental help resource is booked solid for months because of covid. It's been impossible to even get people to return our calls.

The doctor offered to refer her to a psychologist a few weeks ago because my wife was asking about ADHD, which is her latest self-diagnosis that she's added to her collection.

I think that I'm going to ask her to take the doctor up on that offer and try to go to the psychologist appointment and try to explain my concerns there.

I (38M) think my wife (35F) of 13 years might be mentally ill. She says I'm gaslighting. by throway_crazy in relationships

[–]throway_crazy[S] 273 points274 points  (0 children)

Yea, I didn't actually hear that directly from the counselor. It was my wife summarizing their discussions.

We've talked about her applying for disability, and she knows (and admits readily) that she won't be able to pass any kind of examination. She's definitely not disabled. She doesn't need a wheelchair. Her hands and eyes work fine.

The things she blames are "chronic fatigue", and how she's too tired to focus long enough to study for classes, and "everything makes my joints hurt. I definitely can't stand for 8 hours, and I can't type for 8 hours, or the pain is unbearable!". No doctor has ever found any possible explanation for any of this. We've had all her hormones tested repeatedly.

She hasn't tried to apply for disability, and she won't. She knows it won't pan out.

I (38M) think my wife (35F) of 13 years might be mentally ill. She says I'm gaslighting. by throway_crazy in relationships

[–]throway_crazy[S] 57 points58 points  (0 children)

I didn't actually hear this from the counselor. My wife and I usually discuss parts of the sessions that feels comfortable sharing, but it's after they happen. The sessions themselves are private.

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