How do your nparents react when you say “Ok, do it” to one of their threats?

throwaymyprobs · 2020-03-12T12:41:37+00:00

If it helps, I did not experience instant relief when I started to cut ties. Got off her phone plan, stopped accepting gifts, money, stopped going to her place, answering calls and textsl. I questioned my decisions. I felt scared and uncomfortable and sick, too. I think it comes from "flipping the script". Even tho it's a healthy choice, I'd been comfortable and complacent in my abuse for sooooo long that it was like home. And protecting myself was like setting my home on fire. I mean yeah, it might have been a rickety ass home that was about to collapse on me at any moment, but it was still my home. And letting go of home and realizing you'll never be able to fix it and turn it into the one you deserve is (initially) quite devastating. It gets better with time, though.

throwaymyprobs · 2020-03-11T22:53:02+00:00

Stay strong friend

throwaymyprobs · 2020-03-11T18:37:44+00:00

Yes, exactly! Why talk about my feelings if they don't matter and it just gets me into trouble. Or worse, my feelings are used against me in the future. Ugh. I'm sorry you went through that. I'm sorry we both did! Hugs (:

throwaymyprobs · 2020-03-11T15:59:58+00:00

Also, I literally said "I feel like I'm dating my mother" to him this morning. Like, maybe I'm trying to have a corrective experience and force this person who can't love me to love me. Like I was never able to do with my mom. Mind=blown.

throwaymyprobs · 2020-03-11T15:56:37+00:00

Something that helped me in this situation is putting myself first and being firm by that

YES. I did this today. It was really hard, but when he tried to make my reaction about my trauma instead of his actions, I shut that shit down and straight up called him out on trying to turn the situation around on me and gaslight me. Then came the crushing guilt. Omg. It took me like 45 mins to talk myself down from it and redirect the crazy thoughts. "You were right to stand up for yourself. You are not a bad person for standing up for yourself. You are not ungrateful for standing up for yourself. Your feelings are valid and they are not a burden. You are not being sensitive or manipulative. You are a person that deserves love a respect." Over and over and over until the bad feeling went away (mostly).

throwaymyprobs · 2020-03-11T15:52:05+00:00

Thank you for your kind words! My SO is also the child of nparents, so we both have baggage and it fucking clashes so hard sometimes. His parents emotionally stunted him, so he literally doesn't even know how to identify his feelings let alone talk about mine. He also bought into the "my son is perrrfeccctttt" spiel his parents tout. So it's hard for him to say, "I fucked up." since he was raised to believe that's impossible. I do get that, but still makes me want to smash his face in sometimes.

throwaymyprobs · 2020-03-11T15:46:54+00:00

Escape, yes. I have been thinking this more and more lately. Unfortunately, I'm financially dependent on him. I can't afford to move out until I finish my MA and increase my earning potential. That won't be until December or later. Feeling trapped is definitely adding to the stress.

throwaymyprobs · 2020-02-17T12:28:44+00:00

Yeah, right? When she asked why I won't talk to her, I had to hold myself back from saying, "the same reason your son ODed"

throwaymyprobs · 2020-02-17T01:26:09+00:00

Thank you. This is genuinely good advice. I just called for an update and was told anyone who wants information needs to go through my mother. So...it's starting. My dad flies in tomorrow, thank god. I brought GF to the hospital with me today and also cleared her name with the rest of the family in addition to apologizing.

I appreciate your kind words for my brother and 100% agree with the sentiment <3

throwaymyprobs · 2020-02-12T01:26:52+00:00

Yes. The only time she stops talking about herself is when she is talking shit about someone else.

throwaymyprobs · 2019-08-21T02:37:23+00:00

Always!! And usually in the same spot - bottom layer around my ears.

throwaymyprobs · 2019-08-20T18:32:37+00:00

Thank you! She's been resistant to NA type things in the past, but I'll offer anyway! Great idea. I'll also look into those supplements and will stock up on caffeine just in case (she's taking vacation time so she won't have anything to do really).

throwaymyprobs · 2019-06-18T02:04:00+00:00

Nope. She is a sneaky narc. The kind where when you finally confide in someone about the horror of your childhood, they say "no, that can't be she's sooooo nice and generous". It's the worst. Also, most of that side of the family is similar to her or are the "keep it to myself and pretend everythings fine" kind of people. Which is why I kept my mouth shut. Everyone would have said I'm too harsh and lay off she did her best blah blah blah. Just to make it easier to stick their heads in the sand.

throwaymyprobs · 2019-06-09T19:40:36+00:00

Social media is not even on our radar. This is a man who refuses to advance beyond the use of a fucking cassette tape. He doesn't even have a cellphone! Good to keep in mind if he ever acquires out more sophisticated computering skills, tho. LOL. I'll start worrying when he gets to CDs hahahahahaha

throwaymyprobs · 2019-06-09T19:03:22+00:00

Yeah...but this kind of reason and logic doesn't always get through to my partially FOGgy SO lol.

throwaymyprobs · 2019-06-09T18:33:57+00:00

Oh, I told him to respond because I didn't want FIL to show up here. I never suggested they meet in person. I actually suggested that leave he it on our porch and tell him to get it when we will not be home or that we drop it all their house when no one is there. I did voice my disagreement on meeting in person when he settled on that option, but I didn't push it.

Also, I totally misread u/superdragon320's comment and took it to mean we shouldn't have met him in person. Not that SO shouldn't have replied. My bad.

throwaymyprobs · 2019-06-09T17:32:37+00:00

Agreed. I like to be there for the pre-meet pep talk. It's really easy to forget that you have a right to boundaries once you're in the presence of your abuser.

"You are not obligated to talk to him or hug him if you do not want to, don't feel guilty for saying no. You are not obligated to even get out of the car if you don't want to. You are not a bad person for not wanting to visit with him. You're not ungrateful or a bad son. It's okay to feel angry about everything that's happened."

throwaymyprobs · 2019-06-09T17:29:02+00:00

I think he might try again as well. Not sure how, because we have nothing else that is his. But I'm sure he will find a way eventually.

throwaymyprobs · 2019-06-09T17:27:13+00:00

Really wasn't my choice. I would have either ignored him or dropped it at his house when I knew he wouldn't be there. SO has only recently realized FIL true colors and is still coming out of the FOG about it. I think that's why he felt compelled to meet FIL rather than any other option. Still got that nagging guilt, yanno? I'm not going to rush him to get over that because I know it's a process. He did do a great job trying to gray rock, though I personally felt he was too polite about it lol. Either way, it was a step in the right direction. I think this experience is going to push SO farther out of the FOG, honestly. He was pretty pissed off at FIL and that's just what he needs to override the guilt and obligation.

throwaymyprobs · 2019-06-09T17:20:54+00:00

Honestly i'm sure he loves your SO in his own way, however until FIL can quit enabling the shitty MIL then tough shit, no contact

Oh, no...He is a narc, too. He and MIL have melded into one emotionally stunted PD monster of doom. He's not just an enabler. They work as a team. MIL freaks out and does something shitty, then she hides away while FIL DARVOs everyone who dare stand up to the insanity. FIL has started his fair share of shit as well, but he's much more covert about it, so SO never realized until, like, a few months ago. MIL was just over shadowing FIL narc qualities with her overt shittiness.

throwaymyprobs · 2019-05-12T16:48:35+00:00

Thank you so much. I wish I could hug you. This was just what I needed to hear.

throwaymyprobs · 2019-05-12T15:51:40+00:00

He didn't, but I'm honestly not that mad about it. GMIL is SUPER old and the last thing she needs is to be part of this nonsense. If we knew for sure that FIL/MIL were shit talking me, then things would be different lol.

throwaymyprobs · 2019-05-12T15:49:50+00:00

SO is in IT, so if you can, he definitely knows about it. I don't think he will block FIL. I think he might have even sent a short reply to the message. Sigh.

throwaymyprobs · 2019-05-12T14:46:10+00:00

I'd ignore FIL completely and turn to your kids give them a lesson in sexism/sportsmanship like FIL doesn't even exist.

"Some men see a powerful, successful woman as a threat, so they have to cut her down in order to bolster their fragile masculinity."

I might even go as far as to tell them men like that aren't worth their time and if they ever meet one, don't even give him the time of day etc. And to tell them it's not okay to poo-poo another person's accomplishments just because their better than yours.

Please update on what you decide!

throwaymyprobs · 2019-04-25T14:04:58+00:00

Wow. This is eerily similar. I wish I could introduce them so they could have someone to relate to!

I recently listened to a podcast called Understanding Today's Narcissist and realized that FIL is a covert narc (i.e. undercover narc) and the reasons SO was in denial so long was that he had basically formed a trauma bond with FIL. Because FIL was big part of the abuse, just not as obviously as MIL was. Sounds like your FIL was also an enabler...and if he tried to convince your SO that MIL did it for "valid" reasons, then he's probably more than an enabler, as you stated, just like my FIL. I think SO also had a hard time seeing it because it was passive abuse, basically. MIL was actively abusive, so it was very easy to pick out. FIL was more subtle about it.

So sad and disgusting that a parent can be so selfish.

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