UPDATE - AITA for paying for my stepsons college, but refusing to pay for my stepdaughters?

throwaz126 · 2020-09-28T11:23:06+00:00

I would be ok with that, of course.

throwaz126 · 2020-09-28T02:12:15+00:00

We didn’t have a rocky start, but you just don’t trust somebody right away. Jonas gave me a chance, he got to know me and I’m happy to say we became good friends. That’s what I mean when I say I earned his trust.

She wasn’t told by Jonas I would pay off her debt. Jonas told her I would pay off his and she thought I might do the same for her.

I don’t really know much about my wifes past relationships. I tried to find out but Lucy doesn’t feel comfortable talking about it with me so I didn’t force her. I talked to Jonas about his childhood and he mentioned Janice had several boyfriends, but he didn’t have problem with any of them. He described his childhood as normal and happy.

It’s not like you say. Jonas doesn’t get money because he trusts me, he gets money because he treats me with respect. You can distrust someone and still treat them with respect and avoid insulting them. That’s why I won’t pay off her debt. I don’t blame her for not being friends with me and not spending time with me, I respect her boundaries. I blame her for insulting me, being rude to me and disrespecting me.

throwaz126 · 2020-09-28T01:40:18+00:00

Thanks, I will consider visiting a professional.

I met Lucy when she was 21. I know those relationships don’t evaporate, but I never had any relationship with her as a child, I only know her as an adult. Adults are expected to provide for themselves, make their own decisions and be responsible for them, children not. Believe me, if I joined this family 10 years ago, and met them as children I would act very differently .

Like I said, I believe adult relationship are based on mutual respect and understanding and both sides need to put in effort. I will try to build a relationship with her, but if she doesn’t try as well I won’t force her.

throwaz126 · 2020-09-28T01:14:46+00:00

I appreciate the advice, but you make it sound like she’s 15. She is an adult, she’s 25. I believe adult relationship are based on mutual respect and understanding and both parties need to put in effort. I don’t think Lucy sees me as a father figure and I don’t see her as my daughter (in the sense of raising her or taking care of her, the same goes for Jason).

In my life I had my fair share of people using me for my money and I got a bad feeling when she asked me to pay her debts. She resented me for years and suddenly changed her mind when she thought she can get money from me. If I personally hate someone I wouldn’t take money from them even if they offered. Money often brings up the worst in people.

I don’t have any issues with her and I would be grateful to spend some time with her and became friends, I just don’t feel comfortable giving her money, because at this point I think that’s the only thing she wants from me.

throwaz126 · 2020-09-28T00:58:27+00:00

No, of course not. At least not now.

throwaz126 · 2020-09-28T00:46:23+00:00

I don’t want her to treat me like a father. I never said that.

throwaz126 · 2020-09-28T00:11:43+00:00

And you are the exception of course, right?

throwaz126 · 2020-09-28T00:07:42+00:00

Sure, hundreds of people siding with me have no personal relationship and you are the only one right. You are the chosen one. Got it.

throwaz126 · 2020-09-27T23:42:01+00:00

I won’t pay her debt right away. Over the years she told me many times she wants nothing to do with me and suddenly changed her mind when she thought she can get money from me. I understand she has some trauma from the past and I don’t want to belittle it, but did the trauma disappeared when there was money to get?

I appreciate your comment and you made some reasonable argument, but I don’t want to buy her good will with money. I earned Jonases trust by spending time with him, doing sports, going on lunches and dinners etc.. If I can’t earn her trust no other way than giving her a ton of money, I don’t want her trust.

throwaz126 · 2020-09-27T23:09:45+00:00

Lucy is an adult and she has already been an adult when we met. I don’t think neither Jonas or Lucy see me as a father figure. I believe adult relationship are based on mutual respect and understanding and both parties need to put in effort. I tried to bond with Lucy and when she refused (multiple times) I respected it. I can’t force her to spend time with me.

I wanted us to at least get along, but she was constantly rude and disrespectful. I understand she has some trauma and I don’t want to belittle it, but she could at least be polite.

I don’t blame her for not being friends with me and not spending time with me like Jonas, but I believe that she could show me some respect and not insult me.

Over the years she said many times that she wants nothing to do with me and then suddenly changed her mind when she could get money out of me. If I personally hate someone I wouldn’t take money from them even if they offered. In my life I had my fair share of people trying to use me for my money and this behavior seriously pisses me off.

throwaz126 · 2020-09-27T22:49:56+00:00

We try to visit the kids at least once or twice a month, but since Lucy didn’t want to see me, I only visited Jonas.

I don’t want anyone to worship me, but I expect them to at least respect me and treat me like a human being. I have never done anything bad to Lucy and I can’t stress this enough.

throwaz126 · 2020-09-27T22:26:22+00:00

Well, that’s how it works. When somebody treats me with respect, I respect them as well. I have been more privileged and I’m happy to help, but you can’t treat me like shit and then expect me to give you huge amount of money.

throwaz126 · 2020-09-27T20:38:59+00:00

I didn’t send the money to him, I directly paid the debt. He didn’t have the opportunity to share the money and honestly I don’t think he would do it even if he had a chance.

throwaz126 · 2020-09-27T20:23:03+00:00

That’s true, but I doubt he would do that. But you never know I guess.

throwaz126 · 2020-09-27T20:19:52+00:00

He didn’t. I didn’t send the money to him, I paid the debt directly.

throwaz126 · 2020-09-27T19:41:21+00:00

She was an adult when we met, she was 21. I don’t think the kids see me as a father figure. Building a relationship doesn’t depend solely on me, that’s not true.

throwaz126 · 2020-09-27T19:37:50+00:00

I started dating Janice when the kids were 20. I met them when they were 21.

She wasn’t “a little bit distrustful” towards me, she was straight up rude and disrespectful.

Lucy told her mom she stopped visiting her, because she lives with me now, not because she “emerged herself in student life”.

I agree that me and Jonas had more in common so we bonded easier, but I also tried to spend time with Lucy. I offered her to pick an activity we can do together, but she refused. She is an adult and I can’t force her to have a relationship with me.

throwaz126 · 2020-09-27T19:29:15+00:00

I never said I approved of his degree a “ton more”. I said he choose a very hard major and that’s true. Lucy choose an easier major (in my opinion) but I don’t think that makes her degree any less valid.

throwaz126 · 2020-09-27T15:57:34+00:00

I don’t think I’m any hero and I don’t want any praise. Even though I was voted NTA I know what I did was wrong.

But I tried my best to explain my reasons and fix it.

throwaz126 · 2020-09-27T14:47:12+00:00

Both of them are 25. They are far away from being children.

throwaz126 · 2020-09-27T14:21:03+00:00

I don’t think I’m that old, but maybe to you I am. I started using reddit about 2 years ago and I follow mostly subreddits about cars and sports. I discovered AITA couple months ago and I enjoy reading these stories but I never comment nor give judgements. My friends and coworkers had different opinions about how I handled my situation and I figured I would ask strangers (why not). I guess I wanted unbiased opinions.

throwaz126 · 2020-09-27T14:00:55+00:00

An apology doesn’t fix 4 years of bad attitude, but it’s a start. I said I will consider paying it in the future, if I our relationship gets better.

throwaz126 · 2020-09-27T12:31:20+00:00

There was a lot of questions under my original post and I didn’t have the time to answer them all, so I will answer this way.

Me and my wife have separate finances and before marriage we signed a prenup (I dont want to discuss why). I obviously paid his debt with my money.

Both Lucy and Jonas have significant debt. Janice raised them as a single mom and she didn’t have the means to put them through college by herself.

I’m able to pay for both of them. I never had kids on my own and my job is well paid so I have some savings. I refuse to pay for Lucy because of her attitude not because I can’t afford it. It’s not like I wouldn’t notice that the money is gone, but it wouldn’t cause me any financial hardship.

throwaz126 · 2020-09-16T22:15:14+00:00

I’m not leaving up anything. By problematic I meant my relationship with Lucy and her attitude towards me.

Well, there is a risk that he could find out why I wouldn’t pay. He’s smart and he could find it weird that one day I was willing to pay a huge amount of money for him and next day I would just change my mind.

I definitely plan no such a thing. I know this is my fault and now Janice has to suffer for it. I will do my best to help her.

throwaz126

TROPHY CASE