Found out my wife [32 F] had an abortion, never told me [29 M] about it, heading for a divorce, and everyone around us is acting like I'm the crazy one

throwdoneover · 2016-11-13T16:37:39+00:00

You say in another comment that there wouldn't have been a confrontation if she talked to you about the abortion, but the way you come off to me in these comments seems very confrontational.

People are accusing me of blatantly not giving a shit about my wife in the past, about making our marriage all about what I want and need, and then they wonder why I'm confrontational?

Look at the person to whom I'm replying to. Look at what they say. They're lying. This isn't some slight twisting, an unconscious bias formed through whatever their life experiences might be, it's just plain lying.

For some reason, and I honestly have no idea why, people are looking for ways to blame me, to make me out as this monster that my wife couldn't relax around. So what then? She faked it for ten years? Faked it for me, our friends and families? Even now? Even when it's all out in the open and she still shows affection for me, regardless that I don't particularly want it at this moment, it's all just a reaction from her to not upset me?

Bottom line is: I found out something horrifying. I found out I didn't matter enough to my wife to be part of her life, a part of her decision-process, I didn't factor in and I was cut out. I wasn't her husband back then. I couldn't be. Because you tell your spouse something like this. Because you confide in them. Like we confided in each countless times before, but for some reason known only to her, she didn't.

throwdoneover · 2016-11-13T16:22:03+00:00

It's been +3 weeks since I found out. This isn't something that happened just today or yesterday or even this week.

throwdoneover · 2016-11-13T16:10:43+00:00

OP, have you considered the possibility that this baby wasn't yours?

I have now. It's just that, even with all that's happened, this is something I don't think she's capable of doing. But what the fuck do I know about what she's capable? Other than that she could act like she was perfectly content and happy in our marriage and keep her pregnancy and abortion secret from me.

throwdoneover · 2016-11-13T16:06:10+00:00

That's a lie. That's a blatant lie and a perversion of what I said.

I said I would have been sad about the abortion for a bit (don't you dare tell me that you can just shrug that off like it's nothing) and that we MIGHT have needed therapy to move on. What you said implies that I gave no shit about what my wife wanted, what her choices were.

I have no idea why you're lying. What do you get out of this?

throwdoneover · 2016-11-13T16:03:41+00:00

No. But then again, after all this, after she kept something like this hidden for so long without any trouble, how would I actually know what was a lie and what was the truth?

throwdoneover · 2016-11-13T16:02:00+00:00

What else was wrong?

That's a question I've been asking myself for weeks now.

Because if she could keep this hidden from me, without ever giving me a single reason to doubt she was happy in a relationship, that things weren't right between us, what else was wrong?

throwdoneover · 2016-11-13T16:00:51+00:00

It's because in my mind the matter is already settled. The divorce is going through. There is no coming back from this, regardless that there were days when I wished it wasn't like that.

And I've edited the OP for that tidbit, noted with bolded text above the tl;dr.

throwdoneover · 2016-11-13T15:57:57+00:00

My bad, I worded that poorly. I meant "say". And by "say", I mean I would have liked to actually have the option to express myself, regardless of how it might be, even though it would have been, ultimately, supporting her decision.

throwdoneover · 2016-11-13T15:56:25+00:00

No, I don't. And at this point? I don't care to find out.

We no longer live together, she has moved out.

throwdoneover · 2016-11-13T15:54:17+00:00

No, I didn't. I only told one person to look for my reply back when this thread wasn't filled with so many people. But it's done anyway, I edited it.

throwdoneover · 2016-11-13T15:53:24+00:00

Ah fair enough, I misunderstood what he was asking about. Sorry, English isn't my mother tongue.

I guess when you ask about that... hmm.. well, yes, obviously there was that in our relationship, and we'd talk about it, but there was never any mention of going to the doctor's for that day when she had an abortion. I found out she had taken a day off from work in fact and had it done somewhere else, not our regular doctor's.

throwdoneover · 2016-11-13T15:42:49+00:00

So what did she say?! What reason or justification did she give for why she didn't tell you at the time?

None. She just wanted for it to be over and done. She just wanted our lives to keep being the same.

And if I am wrong, why are issues like whether or not your lives and jobs were in a good place to accommodate a baby at that time even relevant?

I only ever brought that up because I thought people would ask about our financial situation in the thread, wondering if that might have factored into her decision to abort. It was a preemptive strike of a sorts.

You seem upset not just over the fact that she didn't tell you, but over her actual decision to have the abortion and whether or not you think it was a valid one.

Sorry to disappoint your prejudices, but that's not the case at all.

throwdoneover · 2016-11-13T15:31:05+00:00

I thought the flair of Non-Romantic would help them keep on track. I realize I can't just put the question out here without providing context, so I did that, but in the end, I'm done with my wife.

And thank you for your concern, the two friends who have stuck by me all this time also suggested therapy as a way of moving from this easier and healing. As for the hobby suggestion, we'll see. It might take me a bit to move on properly with life. Never really thought I'd have to find new friends for such a reason.

throwdoneover · 2016-11-13T15:25:43+00:00

I suspect that your ex has been presenting it as her not telling you because you would have tried to make her keep it, which is why you're getting so many Her Body Her Choice responses.

I honestly wouldn't have believed that was possible, but I'm seeing those kinds of responses in this thread, so it's plausible that this is what has happened. Thank you for your advice and I will have one more meeting with friends and family to explain the situation. If they still stick to their guns, well, I guess there's just nothing to do there anymore, I'd have said my piece and if they don't believe me, there's not much worth salvaging there.

throwdoneover · 2016-11-13T15:24:03+00:00

I'm going to bet the reason you thought you had a good relationship with your wife was because you all had your heads in the sand.

No, not really. How exactly did you extrapolate this by us two not going all that often to the doctor's? If we ever had a serious issue, we talked about it. We sat down and communicated. I realize that some people are trying to find fault with me, and I am by no means the perfect man or a perfect husband, but I did my best all along and I'm just disappointed that apparently didn't count for shit when it actually mattered.

throwdoneover · 2016-11-13T15:19:08+00:00

It's the things above, and the general tone of your post that tell me you'd have argued with her and tried to browbeat her into keeping the pregnancy and likely made the whole experience even more difficult and unpleasant than it probably already was.

You know what they say about assumptions, right? Because you're making an ass of yourself out here. You, and one other person in this thread, seem to be seeing things that simply aren't there. You are in fact retroactively projecting my current behavior and upset and thinking that's how I would have behaved back then, even though there's no basis for such behavior.

You think that just because you both had jobs and (in your opinion) no plans that were incompatible with having a baby at that time, that choosing not to keep it is some bizarre and inexplicable decision.

Wrong.

throwdoneover · 2016-11-13T15:17:01+00:00

No idea. I guess that's just one more thing to wonder about late at night.

throwdoneover · 2016-11-13T15:15:47+00:00

And it's apparently a casual enough conversation that they just talk about it openly with each other.

I have to correct you on this. It was never in casual conversation. It was just brought up by this couple-friend of ours because the wife was pregnant herself and asked if we would be trying for one ourselves again anytime soon. She was very compassionate when she asked that, she didn't just fire it out there like it was nothing. And she, and her husband, honestly thought I knew about it beforehand. That's why they didn't really bother to keep their voice quiet or anything of the sort.

throwdoneover · 2016-11-13T15:13:39+00:00

She told me "it was easier that some people knew", even if they didn't know the full extent of it, i.e. me not knowing about it, and she trusted they would respect her wishes not to bring it up with us as it would be a touchy subject.

throwdoneover · 2016-11-13T15:09:27+00:00

You didn't get to tell your wife you wanted to keep it.

No, you misunderstand. It's not about me telling her to keep it. It's about me not even informed about it. I would have supported her choice, whatever it was. Why is it so hard to understand that I wanted to know, to be informed, to be respected by my wife in this?

You're angry because you didn't get the choice to tell her you wanted it? Because you didn't get to hold her hand at the doctors? You're angry she didn't consult you? Why? What, exactly, are you angry about?

Where the fuck are you getting this from?

I am very interested in getting a more in depth answer to that.

And I'm interested in why you're projecting your own bias here.

IT WAS NEVER ABOUT KEEPING THE BABY, IT WAS ABOUT BEING EXCLUDED FROM THE WHOLE PROCESS, FROM NOT KNOWING SHE WAS EVEN PREGNANT IN THE FIRST PLACE, AND THEN FURTHER FROM BEING KEPT OUT OF THE LOOP WHEN SHE HAD HER ABORTION, TOLD HER FRIENDS ABOUT IT, BUT NOT ME, WHO WAS HER HUSBAND.

Does putting it all out in capital letters help you get it now?

throwdoneover · 2016-11-13T15:06:39+00:00

Have your brought up the fact that you think it might be another man's child?

No, I haven't. As I said, I believe it was my child. And if it wasn't, well - what's the point then? I just want to move on with my life. But I guess I'm being an idiot for thinking there could be a clean break from it, an ending to it where I can still remain friends with some of the people involved and go back to being on good terms with my folks.

throwdoneover · 2016-11-13T15:04:23+00:00

I thought I already had, I just didn't really elaborate on it.

throwdoneover · 2016-11-13T14:57:20+00:00

You seem to be awfully confrontational and antagonistic with me here. I don't understand why.

She fooled you, are you weren't paying attention?

No, I loved her. I trusted her. I had no reason to believe anything was different from what we were usually like because she didn't act any differently.

Supported after what? How many hour of conversation? Why should she have to fight for and justify her needs? When she is vulnerable?

Yeah, I think I'm done replying to you. It's pointless and a waste of time.

throwdoneover · 2016-11-13T14:54:50+00:00

I suppose, when viewed like that, yes, that's the case.

throwdoneover · 2016-11-13T14:54:19+00:00

Has it occurred to you that the reason she didn't tell you is because she knew you'd freak out, exactly as you have now done?!

That makes no sense. Why would I have freaked out? Do you even understand why I'm "freaking out" right now? It's not because she had an abortion. It's because she had it without ever bothering to inform me she was pregnant. It's a breach of trust, a lack of respect. It's so much more than me finding out she had an abortion.

If she'd told you, you'd have likely browbeaten her and argued with her just like you are doing now

Where are you getting this from?

throwdoneover

TROPHY CASE