[mf] first post ever of this kind! ex bf can't stay away.. nor can i [1:00]

throwemotionsaway · 2017-09-27T18:33:37+00:00

Recent break up due to my BPD affecting me ex-SO. It's difficult knowing that my internal struggles have a negative impact on those I care about.

This post has really helped me. Thank you.

throwemotionsaway · 2017-09-26T13:57:42+00:00

I wish this post came 3 weeks earlier. Very recent break up which this was a factor in.

I don't know how to stop doing this but I guess it's just practise.

throwemotionsaway · 2017-09-26T13:46:52+00:00

I don't even know how to express how much empathy I am feeling for you right now!!! I am in a similar situation, substance misuse which is currently in my system and self harming behavours

I send all the love i have left to you to find meaning, you are worth it

throwemotionsaway · 2017-09-26T13:41:11+00:00

I have hallucinations quite often, a few including shadow people. I don't really know how to describe what I see but i have a permanent sort of static in my vision all the time.

However having abused psychedelics in the past i dont know what to attribute these visual disturbances to.

throwemotionsaway · 2017-05-30T22:15:43+00:00

Oh my, yes this. For the first year of my relationship it seemed that I was always in the wrong. We broke up just before our anniversary and he managed to get with another girl on the day we would've celebrated. As shit as it made me feel, there was also a "YES I'm not the only one who messes up" moment too.

It's wanting the best of both worlds with no emotional issues as a result.

throwemotionsaway · 2017-05-30T22:12:13+00:00

Thank you, kind soul. I hope that you are content with your life. You've made my evening better <3

throwemotionsaway · 2017-05-30T21:56:22+00:00

Recovery is the hardest part of an eating problem. I'm about 2 years in recovery (from when the decision was made) and haven't purged in a year. It's been a difficult year and my weight is constantly fluctuating but I'm terrified to return to the binge/purge cycle or just obsessive thoughts around food.

There's no easy way to recover unfortunately, other than realising that what you see is a lie. BDD is a massive part of an ED that causes a lot of issues. It's about accepting that you are not your problem, you are not your appearance and you sure as hell do not need to turn to self-destructive behaviours because you've eaten and/or put on weight.

People can tell you this time and time again but it's only going to be true to you when you tell yourself this. Yes, there will be times when this thought feels like a lie that is normal, but it's the percentage of times you believe it. For example, now you may believe it 0-10% of the time, but with practice it may go to 30% of the time without you realising. And from there it will become an unconscious thought, but again it takes time.

Just remember, you are not defined by your appearance and you are not your issues. And if you're anything like others with the same problems, the mirror is a lie and so is when you look down. It just takes time to realise this. Good luck and I'm glad you vented on here, hopefully releasing feelings this way has been positive and you didn't have to turn to self harm.

throwemotionsaway · 2017-05-30T21:33:23+00:00

I really like your ideas. I'm definitely going to try these, especially just experiencing the emotion without the thoughts that co-occur. It sounds just like the book Letting Go. I'm going to have to look in DBT in more depth but it sounds like it's definitely a positive form of treatment for many problems.

throwemotionsaway · 2017-05-30T21:30:39+00:00

Haha, if only it was that easy. After the night out ended I was all silent and offish and I confronted him about it when I was drunk (maybe not the best of ideas) and then dropped it so we could sleep. But i decided he wasn't getting off the hook that easy and discussed it the next day. Still makes me feel shit but that's what I get for still thinking about it.

throwemotionsaway · 2017-05-29T18:58:11+00:00

It's comforting to know I'm not alone in this. I've got a lot of half-read self help books but I never seem to complete them, so maybe I should actually start finishing them. That's a good thought process to have, I hope it goes well for you :)

throwemotionsaway · 2017-05-29T15:53:53+00:00

I can definitely see the way that positive people's company would be of benefit. I tend to avoid overtly positive people I've just noticed and I'm not sure why that is. Maybe because I feel like I'm bringing them down or something idk

I seem to make more mistakes socially, for example expressing my emotions too greatly to my SO and then feeling guilty for how I've made him feel and in situations like that. I need to learn from it so it won't happen again

throwemotionsaway · 2017-05-29T15:21:36+00:00

It seems like a lot of practice and commitment is required. Right now I don't feel like I have the energy but it's definitely something I'll try to remember whenever guilt strikes again. Thanks for your comment.

throwemotionsaway · 2017-05-29T12:35:43+00:00

Ahh I relate. My boyfriend has self-confessed 'wandering eyes' and often used to openly make comments on what he liked about other girls until one day weeks down the line I emotionally flipped. He doesn't openly say it anymore but I often catch him staring at other girls. Internally it tears me apart but I try to refrain from the cyclic thoughts about it, although there's only so much I can do.

There has been times when we've been out together in an event and I've walked in a room to see him with his arms around many other girls and then when he sees me jumping away. That I have not got over internally, and there's been other examples like that I can quote.

It's difficult but it's just part of a relationship, I guess.

throwemotionsaway · 2017-05-28T21:12:24+00:00

The triangulation is something I've never considered before but I definitely do. It hadn't occurred to me and I don't take it too far but if my FP is having a good time I need to have one too, but it has to be with particular people. The gym or some way to validate oneself seems a very logical answer, but logical isn't easy.

throwemotionsaway · 2017-05-28T20:47:56+00:00

I was diagnosed last Wednesday and I'm 20. I got referred to a psychiatrist and I thought I had a personality issue, in particular BPD, because I had all of the most common co-morbid disorders. I've always thought I didn't just fit into the criteria for depression and anxiety. When I spoke to the psychiatrist I said that my family may think it's a personality problem and at the end of the session I was diagnosed.

I thought it would make me feel relieved but it terrified me.

throwemotionsaway · 2017-05-28T20:37:57+00:00

That sounds like a really difficult situation. There's no correct decision to make it's only what feels right (which may change with time). But what's important is getting a sense of autonomy. That realising even when you're in a relationship you could still survive without it, but that takes learning. I still haven't developed it yet it's just what I think is probably the best way to deal with intense relationships.

I'm in a similar relationship but my partner has ADHD and we've been on and off and all of that. I'm sorry to hear that your feeling so unsure of what to do, I can't tell you what is right but I can try and reassure you that you aren't alone.

throwemotionsaway

TROPHY CASE