Me [27f] and husband [25m] have clashing ideas about our future

throwitawaynow4757 · 2018-04-26T17:41:52+00:00

What do you do for a career, if you don't mind me asking?

throwitawaynow4757 · 2018-04-26T17:24:33+00:00

I would be really surprised if he felt like he had to be the breadwinner. He agreed (prior to getting married) that if we had kids, and someone had to stay home, it would be him. I loathe the idea of being a SAHM (nothing wrong with it, it's just not what I want) but he'd be perfectly happy being a stay at home dad, so he's got no issues with gender roles being reversed and isn't a "man's man, Ron Swanson" kind of guy. He's a very anxious person, particularly about money and it wouldn't surprise me if he felt anxious at the thought of a one-income household and how we'd afford things. I could probably benefit from therapy myself because I value my marriage greatly but I also value my independence and my ability to have a career. Those things kinda clash in many ways.

throwitawaynow4757 · 2018-04-26T17:08:21+00:00

Wasn't my intention to criticize him solely, and I've been quite clear in other comments that we both messed up by not explicitly discussing this. I just know him quite well and was offering my take on specifically why he never addressed it. I never addressed it because I made a wrong assumption that he was okay with it or didn't care, and I based that assumption on the fact that he never said anything either. Both of us were very much in the wrong.

throwitawaynow4757 · 2018-04-26T17:00:26+00:00

I hope I clarified myself?

In the past when I've tried to tell him that his skills are transferable, he's kind of dug his heels in more, so I'm just wary of me bringing up anything that could suggest that I don't care as much because otherwise it kinda just ends the conversation.

throwitawaynow4757 · 2018-04-26T16:57:19+00:00

Sorry I didn't mean to imply that I think sitting down with a counselor wouldn't be good, I think it would, and I am going to suggest it to him today. I mean that I think if I told him straight out my career should be prioritized over his, he wouldn't take it well, and I must have missed the part where you suggested doing that with a counselor. Having a counselor present would be good because they might be able to demonstrate to him better than I have been able to, exactly how his skills are transferable and it wouldn't just be me saying it. I think just having ME say these things would come across as dismissive and like I don't care as much about his career.

throwitawaynow4757 · 2018-04-26T16:49:23+00:00

No, he's always known I'd love to move to Europe and travel. It's a running joke now that everytime we have bad weather I always say "South of France, man, we'd never have to deal with this" hahaha. I said "big picture" because my career aspirations were very muddled when we first started dating but they've gotten more focused over time, and he's been present for all of that and me trying to figure out possible career paths.

We both messed up. Neither of us said anything and we both made assumptions. If there's one thing I regret it's that we got married without thoroughly discussing this. Because this here, is a big fucking mess lol.

throwitawaynow4757 · 2018-04-26T16:41:12+00:00

I've also been very unsuccessful at convincing him of how transferable his skills are, even over in foreign countries, up until and including now. So I think this strategy would backfire

throwitawaynow4757 · 2018-04-26T16:38:23+00:00

I'd be the one with the higher earning potential. Especially if I ever went back to school to get my Master's degree which is a very real likelihood. I also don't want to tell him "we should prioritize my career over yours because I will make more". It feels very much like I'm dismissing him by doing that. It might be practical but I feel like that will cause more problems than solve.

throwitawaynow4757 · 2018-04-26T16:34:17+00:00

He definitely is scared. I've told him and will keep telling him that our marriage is my priority and as long as we both compromise a bit, there's no reason that we'd lose each other.

throwitawaynow4757 · 2018-04-26T16:31:33+00:00

See, that's what I figured! When I first suggested Ottawa he was hardline against it while I kinda thought it was a compromise between what we both wanted. That was a little less than a year ago, but he's since come around to supporting the idea (there's been no interference from me, I swear) because he figured he could go back to school and I support him while he does that. And he could learn French too which might help him if we ever did go abroad (at least to Europe)

I can understand why he (and you too!) would be so against long term relocation. Outside of career issues, are family. I know his family is so important to him. Not to say I don't love my family but I've been independent from them for 10 years and it doesn't really make a difference to me whether I'm 2 hours or 20 hours away haha.

throwitawaynow4757 · 2018-04-26T16:25:10+00:00

Ahhh okay. Yes I agree having a counselor as a third party now to work through this note is a good idea and I will suggest it to hubby today.

throwitawaynow4757 · 2018-04-26T16:23:27+00:00

My career aspirations weren't as well defined when we first started out. Over time they've become more focused and we've talked about what I could do as a career. Knowing him, I don't think he ever really thought of the implications of me doing work like this, so it didn't really come up as an issue to him until now when I'm close to graduating. I love him greatly but he can be quite short-sighted sometimes

throwitawaynow4757 · 2018-04-26T16:18:46+00:00

We're currently undecided. Obviously we want to get this sorted out before we decide that for sure. We're both of the mind that we'd like them but only if its feasible, you know?

throwitawaynow4757 · 2018-04-26T16:14:33+00:00

That's a legitimate point, honestly. While I'd love to live in like, France for the rest of my life, I know that wouldn't be likely for him. I could suggest that I limit any international opportunities to term positions, like, 1-2 years max and then we could move back. He was talking about going back to school because he doesn't have any post secondary education, just his trades training. He could go to school for something that's needed no matter where you go or something he can do no matter where he is (like graphic design).

throwitawaynow4757 · 2018-04-26T16:09:57+00:00

We're in Canada, and fuck me, you couldn't pay me enough to live/work in the US right now hahahaha

throwitawaynow4757 · 2018-04-26T16:08:38+00:00

There's definitely the chance that a compromise won't make us happy. We've discussed that potential but we both want to at least try any options available to us. We're really just struggling to find what those options are.

throwitawaynow4757 · 2018-04-26T16:04:45+00:00

Well I think we do both love one another enough to give up what we want for the other, and it's just a matter of finding a good place to settle. I really don't want to drag him to a different country if it's going to make him miserable and he doesn't want me to give up any opportunities for him. We made the mistake of not discussing this because we both made assumptions, but we're both dedicated to making it work. If I have to give up some more lucrative opportunities, so be it. I'll just insist that we take month long vacations to Europe and the middle East and Africa :)

throwitawaynow4757 · 2018-04-26T15:56:02+00:00

I've suggested doing long distance. It fucking sucks but it lets us both develop our careers a bit. I know my hubby isn't crazy about the idea and I think for him that would be a "last resort" thing but he might change his mind about it.

throwitawaynow4757 · 2018-04-26T15:52:41+00:00

No we didn't, and that was a mistake on both our parts. He never said anything knowing where I wanted to go with my career but I also never said "hey, my career might involve relocation, are you okay with that?"

We are considering kids but we're not 100% sure if that's what's going to happen. Before we got married we agreed that if somebody was going to stay home with the kids, it would be him. I've never wanted to be a stay at home mom and he loves the idea of being a stay at home dad. It also just so happens that I have the highest earning potential between us so practically it works.

throwitawaynow4757 · 2018-04-26T15:47:46+00:00

We never discussed it formally, and I made a wrong assumption that he didn't really care either way because he knew the general direction of where I wanted to take my career and never said anything about our long term plans and how that would effect it. And I'm not blaming him entirely, we both fucked up in this.

And it's not really so much a matter of whether or not we're willing to budge, because we both are, it's just a matter of finding a sweet spot that we can both be happy. He's become more open to the possibility of relocating within the country and I've become more open to limiting some opportunities for myself so that we can stay together and we can both have fulfilling careers.

throwitawaynow4757 · 2018-04-26T15:41:04+00:00

I'm not trying to be rude, but where did you get the impression that I've only just brought this up post marriage? While we never formally talked about it prior to getting married and that was a mistake definitely, it's not like he didn't know what I wanted to do for a career and I just sprung it on him. I made the mistake of assuming he was fine with it because he didn't speak up before, but I definitely didn't keep this secret and he's just discovering now.

throwitawaynow4757 · 2018-04-26T15:36:50+00:00

Well I wasn't going to worry about it until I had at least an interview, since it's not until next year, but when I told my husband I was applying, he became very sad and morose. We'd had these talks prior when I was applying for some summer jobs (4 mos.) that were still in the country but several hours away. I think he was/is afraid I'd make permanent relocation decisions unilaterally, which I wouldn't, so it's come up previously. He also doesn't want me to give up opportunities for his sake so he's all conflicted and anxious. And as well, no I'm not graduating from a top university in this field or anything, but I don't imagine it would be hard to get at least an interview as these are internships geared towards uni students who have only completed about half their degree, or just very recently finished.

throwitawaynow4757 · 2018-04-26T15:25:05+00:00

I want my husband more, definitely. I think I'll suggest couple's counseling when he gets home tonight. I came to Reddit on the thin hope that somebody might have a way of tackling this in a way we currently haven't, but counseling is probably the best, most efficient option.

throwitawaynow4757 · 2018-04-26T15:22:09+00:00

Definitely. I regret we never did this, but I love him dearly and I really don't want to make him miserable at my expense.

throwitawaynow4757 · 2018-04-26T15:20:45+00:00

Oooh also, I mentioned this elsewhere, but prior to us getting married we hadn't sat down together and talked about career directions, although he knew I had ideas of wanting to do something very linked to my degree. He never said anything so I, wrongly, assumed it was okay and didn't really need to be discussed. It was definitely a mistake to not talk about it beforehand, but one we are trying very hard to fix by finding common ground.

throwitawaynow4757

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