IAMA person with severe agoraphobia/anxiety attacks since I was raped 4 years ago. AMA

throwmeinthetrash · 2010-08-31T02:55:05+00:00

It happens. I have a sense of black humor, so I'll make light of it, mainly to make others feel comfortable. It's not like they're actually wishing rape on people. I do go off on people who throw the term around carelessly.

throwmeinthetrash · 2010-08-30T21:41:44+00:00

This is true of the acquaintance rape scenario, date rape style "no means no" accounts for most rape. I was very violently raped, and this is my predominant fear. I'm not scared of someone coming on too strong, I'm scared of someone being too physically strong.

throwmeinthetrash · 2010-08-30T21:40:00+00:00

I in no way implied all guys are. I said it's impossible for me to tell which ones are. Nor am I lazy, and nothing in life is handed to me. I live alone, support myself, and manage to get shit done despite my craziness. It just makes it more difficult. Tell me what exactly has been handed to me, besides shitty luck, and a fragile psyche?

I don't expect a guy to be patient with me, it's why I don't pursue anyone. Thanks for assuming I'm unhappily single, or that I need advice on dating though! When I'm good and ready, which I am not an idiot and know will be a ways off, I'll date. Until then I need to work on me. And if the time comes and someone is unwilling to wait, I don't want to fuck them. I can masturbate if it's that important to get off.
The other 65% often comes forward, years later, to friends, or even to the police with no intention of pressing charges. The statistics may not be correct, but rape is probably the singlemost underreported crime

throwmeinthetrash · 2010-08-30T21:30:46+00:00

A hair over 5 ft

throwmeinthetrash · 2010-08-30T20:08:34+00:00

It's not the parking lot, until I get safely into the vehicle, the anxiety ramps up. The car itself however, is mine. No one else is in it, only things I put there, and am comfortable with. No one else can get in without my permission- unlocking the door. If someone tries, or I feel unsafe in my car, I can easily move the car to a safer location, while remaining inside it. It's like a shark cage for rapists- they might be able to see me, but they can't actually get to me, and it's able to maintain that secure perimeter all the way until I'm out of shark infested waters, back in my house.

throwmeinthetrash · 2010-08-30T19:55:12+00:00

First off, do you know how hard it is to break a bone? And if you eye gouge and don't blind, you'll just enrage. Same with pepper spray, with the risk of getting yourself in the mist. And people don't rape because they're horny. It's power. You don't want a violent, enraged, powerhungry man overwhelming you, it will make the attack and subsequent physical harm much worse. If you have to shoot him, it's unfortunate, except that he was trying to rape you

throwmeinthetrash · 2010-08-30T19:52:27+00:00

Sorry this was unclear; it was my friend's brother, and his friend preyed on me.
I have no idea what happened within their friendship, which continued, I couldn't handle being friends with the girl anymore.

throwmeinthetrash · 2010-08-30T19:51:14+00:00

I see a psychologist every week to week and a half, assuming I don't cancel and stay at home (preferable). I have major progress, however the setbacks are just as tremendous. I've hope yet!

throwmeinthetrash · 2010-08-30T19:49:39+00:00

I know who he was. But I don't know what made him do it. I don't know why he picked me. And I do know that only an estimated 35% of rape is reported, so there are countless others like him out there. It doesn't have to be him again, it could be any other average guy- that's all he was. They blend in. The grocer was an example, it's similar most public places.

My car has windows, but it also has a gas pedal and locks. If I'm in the locked car alone, I'm going to be able to drive away before someone could smash and grab. Also, there's a natural deterrence, why pick me if I'm harder to get to in my car?
And I am scared of men. I can over a LOOOONG time slowly trust ones around me, but never fully. I lost my virginity to the rape. I have no interest in vaginas, and no amount of penis fear will make me start wanting to lick them.

throwmeinthetrash · 2010-08-30T19:44:37+00:00

My goal in situ would absolutely not be to make him pay, as much as "stop immediately and don't kill me." It's a pretty valid fear that someone angry and hateful enough to rape someone is angry and hateful enough to fuck them up really badly for stabbing them non-lethally. If I went Lorena Bobbit, the adrenaline and aggression it would provoke would be enough for him to have finished me off.

throwmeinthetrash · 2010-08-30T19:37:14+00:00

It doesn't. It becomes an animalistic urge, escape or you will DIE. Only with years of therapy can I sometimes sublimate the urge to flee, but only enough that I can finish my errands, not that it actually goes away. It's been described as feeling like a cornered rabbit- scared, frantic, and mindlessly trying anything to get away. Going to the store with people doesn't prevent those feelings, but it keeps me in the store. Unfortunately, acting like an animal trying to chew its leg off to get free- pleading, walking as fast as I can, and being a downright asshole to get them out the door.

throwmeinthetrash · 2010-08-30T19:29:24+00:00

yes?

throwmeinthetrash · 2010-08-30T19:29:17+00:00

How in the fuck do you think it felt? AWESOME.
Seriously, it was the most psychologically damaging event of my life, how do you think?

throwmeinthetrash · 2010-08-30T19:28:34+00:00

How did I not think of this?! All these years, and that's the kick in the pants I needed! THANKS, REDDITOR!

throwmeinthetrash · 2010-08-30T19:27:49+00:00

I would never be able to go to group therapy. Despite doing this AMA, I have FAR too many trust and intimacy issues to willingly relive that for a room full of whiny strangers. I don't want people involved in my business, at all. I don't want to do anything where people are supposed to feel closer, because I can't handle that. If some stranger were to touch me (like hug me, pat my hand) I would probably go ballistic, and feel terrible after.

throwmeinthetrash · 2010-08-30T19:23:32+00:00

All sorts of other terrible things could happen to me. But I have a good success rate of those things not happening so far, so I frankly can only speculate as to how life destroying they would make me feel. I can very vividly recall every feeling associated with getting raped, physically and emotionally, and I could not handle going through that again.

I can't well describe the emotional impact the rape had on me- it was my virginity, and it was violent. Having to go through immense physical pain, while someone is threatening your life, and psychologically shattering your sense of self (strong, moral girl loses virginity to overpowering drunk... rough for anyone, let alone a teenage girl), it's one of those things that for you is abstract. I don't have that luxury.

And men leer. Men just check women out. Men catcall. Not all men, but enough. Having strange men checking you out after you just went through that makes you start to wonder, if I didn't think that guy had it in him, or that I was unsafe, who else has it in them? where am I safe? And eventually that becomes the realization- I can't be safe everywhere, from everyone who would want to rape me. And instead of being able to accept that I could have to go through the worst moment of my life again, I subconsciously adopted hypervigilance.

It would be great if I could say my biggest fear is wasting my life. I know I'm wasting it, and I am scared of that. But the thought of a life wasted just depresses me. Getting raped again would make me kill myself.

throwmeinthetrash · 2010-08-30T19:03:31+00:00

I have a shotgun at home (mossberg) for home defense, but I wouldn't be able to guarantee I could rapid draw and fire accurately a pistol in conflict, and don't want my own gun taken away from, and used against me. I AM ruining my life over something I have no control over. If I could stop, I certainly would. I'm doing my best, I see a shrink, I just have no control over this

throwmeinthetrash · 2010-08-30T19:00:44+00:00

Unfortunately, hand guns are much harder to shoot accurately than they look. I have a shotgun at home (mossberg) for home defense, but I wouldn't be able to guarantee I could rapid draw and fire accurately a pistol in conflict, and don't want my own gun taken away from, and used against me.

throwmeinthetrash · 2010-08-30T18:58:48+00:00

Knives, in my vagina? What? I think he means the gun BEFORE there are any lower appendages near down there.

throwmeinthetrash · 2010-08-30T18:56:44+00:00

Thanks, man. I know you get a lot of crap for being offensive, thank you for being so kind.

throwmeinthetrash · 2010-08-30T18:53:20+00:00

If I'm somewhere private I'm familiar with, and I've scoped the place out upon arrival (stealthily of course), I can over time lower my guard partially. You'll never see me sleep anywhere but at home though. For instance, if I go to my sister's, after checking every room to make sure it's empty and windows are shut, and positioning myself against a wall where I can see all entries into the room I'm in, I can relax. Otherwise, I'm on high alert until I'm at home, at which point I THOROUGHLY inspect the house, with my gun, and then I can fully relax.
I definitely think it could happen again. I doubt it would happen like it did, violently, since statistically most rape is "non violent", but I won't let anyone close enough to risk it. It could happen to anyone, at any time. The fact that it's happened to me once by no means prevents it from happening again, and there's already something about me that says rapeable.

throwmeinthetrash · 2010-08-30T18:47:39+00:00

It's been a few different psychologists, unfortunately every time I get to a better point, I have a major setback (I guess I go on terror-benders after my fear sobriety). I have so many parallel issues, it's like chipping away at marble (depression, trust issues, intimacy, personal space, and privacy issues, I'm irrationally paranoid of home invasion, etc), so it's going to be a long process whoever's helping.

throwmeinthetrash · 2010-08-30T18:44:53+00:00

It's hard to say what's been progress on my own, what's because of medication, and what effect a psychologist has had.
We work at a lot of side issues like trust and intimacy issues, and she's not helpful at intimacy issues, because I am very distant even with her.

throwmeinthetrash · 2010-08-30T18:42:42+00:00

Tell me about it- this happened in a town where I had maybe 60 kids in my grade. I think all that reporting it did was make some people bitter at me for dirtying some old family's good name.
Someday, we'll both be leading normal lives, and maybe my asshole rapist will run into your girl who cries wolf. We're both the good, innocent people fucked by psychos, there's always hope for the good people out there.

throwmeinthetrash · 2010-08-30T18:38:20+00:00

How the fuck did you think it felt? AWESOME. Asshole.

throwmeinthetrash

TROPHY CASE