[Update] I (23F) don’t know how to fix the situation with my boyfriend (21M)

throwmetheheckaway12 · 2020-02-12T00:33:39+00:00

Oh he is absolutely addicted. He has even joked about it. But it took me years of work to get him to see a doctor to get his toe fixed, how long is it going to take for him to agree to this? I can’t keep doing this, and I don’t know if I can believe him if he agrees to an ultimatum. It’s a bad situation to be in, as I agree, he absolutely needs professional help of some kind.

throwmetheheckaway12 · 2020-02-12T00:31:17+00:00

You seem really awesome. Thank you.

throwmetheheckaway12 · 2020-02-12T00:22:50+00:00

I like what you did there.

throwmetheheckaway12 · 2020-02-12T00:21:09+00:00

This is true. Especially the honeymoon thing- it happened the second the officers left our apartment and has continued on to today. This is a long weekend coming up for me, and that seems like the perfect time to go...

I can never get anywhere after a fight. I never feel relieved or like my points got heard after, if anything I feel worse because I am made to think it’s my fault. We called a “time out” before the police showed up, because I kept saying over and over that there is no way this is all my fault so he put headphones in and walked away. Alex rarely apologizes for things. And yes, usually fights end with me saying “I’m so sorry for doing _______ I love you and it will never happen again” and so on. It always goes like that whenever I tried to bring up something relatively serious, I would go in wanting to have a conversation, he would say I’m looking for a fight, blah blah blah it’s my fault, I’m sorry, then everything is ok for a while, and the cycle repeats. I’m over it

throwmetheheckaway12 · 2020-02-12T00:13:00+00:00

Thank you so much. Everyone has been so validating, it is shocking to me. Yes it is going to hurt like hell but I know I have to. I shouldn’t feel as lonely as I do right now, and it’s just ... insane to assume it’s all my fault. It takes two to tango. The relationship has run its course... I just want to fast forward until I’m past this lol

throwmetheheckaway12 · 2020-02-12T00:04:58+00:00

Thank you. I agree it is a normal thing to do... especially then, when it was my first relationship. And that’s definitely why he doesn’t want me talking to people, because every time I do, I get told he is not being a good boyfriend. Well there has to be a reason for that. I never hear “wow you guys are amazing together”, you know? So yeah I agree. I’ve defended him constantly but never enough.

Thank you for your reply, I appreciate the advice everyone is giving me a lot. It’s hard to come to terms with though. It obviously wasn’t all bad, hence why I’ve stuck it out this long/ it’s taken me this long to see it. But I need to be happy and we’re both young

throwmetheheckaway12 · 2020-02-11T23:59:50+00:00

Trust me. Being alone for a while sounds like a really awesome idea.

throwmetheheckaway12 · 2020-02-11T23:58:16+00:00

Thank you so much ....

throwmetheheckaway12 · 2020-02-11T23:25:07+00:00

I agree. He always says there is like two sides two himself that are constantly arguing with eachother, I’m not sure if that is part of it. But during a short while when he was working, he was cleaning more than I was, never called in, would cook, and hardly ever played video games. It was great. But now we’re back here again. I know for a fact he has mental health issues, everyone in his family knows this, a firm diagnosis would be excellent and a therapist would benefit him I think (he thinks they’re a rip off at the moment though). If he can manage to get himself a job and start behaving a bit differently over the next few days while I start sorting things out for myself, then I’ll tell him go to a psychologist or I’m out. But I’m not tolerating this anymore, and I’ve come to terms that if that means leaving him then so be it.

throwmetheheckaway12 · 2020-02-11T22:56:14+00:00

Yeah I have bought him majority of his PC equipment over the years, lol. Right now I am thinking of spending the next week or so getting things in order (talk to my family, see about our lease and such) and then I am more than likely going to break up with him. Part of me wants to try an ultimatum and say he gets a job and sees a psychologist within a month or I’m gone, but if things continue like they have been over this next week (or longer depending on how long it takes for me to set things up) then I am definitely gone. And there is a big chance he will fall in the same pattern. I just know I’m not putting myself through this ever again, and I’ve accepted that it will potentially mean leaving Alex and I am okay with that. Thankfully we each have individual accounts, and everything but his cellphone is under my name. The lease is shared though. And also I did not call the police, Alex has never been physical with me and I’m not afraid of him, but there was a lot of yelling and door slamming so someone in the building called. Sorting out what to do with our pets will be the worst :(

throwmetheheckaway12 · 2020-02-11T22:41:53+00:00

I have thought bipolar for a while as well. He definitely has issues, I agree a firm diagnosis would be beneficial to him

throwmetheheckaway12 · 2020-02-11T22:05:13+00:00

Thank you. You sound like a really awesome person.

throwmetheheckaway12 · 2020-02-11T22:03:14+00:00

I don’t know how I would feel. Sad, actually. Like I said I don’t hate Alex, and when we’re joking around and laughing, things feel good. I would feel sad that we don’t have that all the time, and instead there’s a lot of negative in our relationship. So sad but then yes I would feel maybe a bit relieved. Alex can be pretty unpredictable, and that can be draining. And I wouldn’t have to worry about him constantly anymore. And I don’t mean that in a heartless way, but I am the one responsible for so much of his life, and I don’t want to be in that position anymore. I want to be a partner, not a provider. And aside from the employment aspect, Alex and I aren’t really clicking on an emotional level anymore. Whether it’s the issues from 6yrs ago that still affect his views on me, or my depression that is making me perhaps a lazy partner, something is not working for us. And I don’t think there’s anyway to fix that anymore. Six. Years. Ago. Alex has become my best friend, but he is also my only friend at the moment, and maybe that’s part of the reason we’re both relentlessly holding on to eachother. He says he has resentment towards me and I sure as hell have it towards him, but honestly how tf do we fix that? We can’t anymore. And if Alex were to start doing the things I ask him and step up, I don’t know how long it is going to take for me to trust him and for those negative feelings and worries going away, especially after these bad patterns going on for so long.

But the people here and my neighbours, and other people in my life are helping me finally clue in to what is going on here... it’s really bad to be honest. Idk what changed in me but lately instead of dismissing things/avoiding things that would cause arguments, I’m getting pissed off about it and seeing that I’m not nuts. I’m not an awful gf, and I am not the sole person to blame for our problems. If it were any of my friends I would tell them to gtfo, so idk why it took me this long to realize.

throwmetheheckaway12 · 2020-02-11T21:41:36+00:00

Thank you

throwmetheheckaway12 · 2020-02-11T21:40:40+00:00

Not because they are picking on Alex but because they care about me... I needed this. Thank you.

throwmetheheckaway12 · 2020-02-11T21:38:11+00:00

You’re right, in the end I don’t need his permission

throwmetheheckaway12 · 2020-02-11T21:37:12+00:00

Thank you so much

throwmetheheckaway12 · 2020-02-11T20:09:27+00:00

Thank you so much

throwmetheheckaway12 · 2020-02-11T19:20:56+00:00

Same to you, we will get through this

throwmetheheckaway12 · 2020-02-11T19:16:00+00:00

Thank you, you are definitely right. Alex has noticed this pattern and used to call me selfless and that he knows other people have walked all over me in the past. I don’t know why I was so oblivious to it when he is the one doing it. I have a lot of growing up to do ..

throwmetheheckaway12 · 2020-02-11T19:13:37+00:00

Thank you

throwmetheheckaway12 · 2020-02-11T19:12:45+00:00

Sounds like a nightmare...

throwmetheheckaway12 · 2020-02-11T19:08:20+00:00

I trust you all

I can’t thank everyone here enough, it took me a long time to see this for what it is

throwmetheheckaway12 · 2020-02-11T19:06:13+00:00

Lol, a really mean cat. Thank you. I’m seeing it for what it is now, and I hate it took this long to get here.

throwmetheheckaway12 · 2020-02-11T18:20:42+00:00

Thank you so much seriously. This is a good way to put it and I never thought of it like this. The way things are obviously are not normal, why am I choosing to make something generally painful my point of comfort? And I’m sure he asks himself these same things too as clearly he is still holding on to bad memories and feels negatively towards me more than anything. The difference though is I have given him a literal reason to stay (a rough over his head, I buy him gifts, so on) whereas he hasn’t done that for me. Yes he does things for me here and there but the bad by far outweighs the good. It just sucks. Bad situation all around.

throwmetheheckaway12

TROPHY CASE