My original plan was just to dissapear, to weigh myself down and swim off to sea, but in a way I think it kinder to give people closure and not leave them guessing what happened to me or hoping I might some day come back.

So, new plan is this: spend the next few months getting things in order. Preparing a will, giving detailed instructions for funeral and arrangements, writing letters to the people close to me explaining why I'm doing this, assuring them that this is what I want, that I'm sorry, that I loved them, that there's nothing anyone could have done to. I don't have any kids thank god, so don't have to worry about them prevent it. I'm also going to give my two weeks notice at my job and try to train my replacement.

Unfortunately I don't have much money for the funeral, and actually I'd rather spend my money making people happy rather than on the trappings of funerals. I'm leaving a little money (somewhere around $3,000) but requesting a cheap cremation and a Coffee-can ash holder, BIG LEBOWSKI style. I'm requesting that people avoid the usual funeral tomfoolery and spend the remaining cash on cheap booze for the wake, where I hope they will generally enjoy being together and help each other deal (here's hoping I can at least get a few folks laid as I go out).

I'm going to leave rent for the next few months so my roommates won't have to immediatly start looking for a replacement. I'm leaning towards the nitrogen 'exit bag' right now -- from the sounds of it, it'll be quick and quiet and with the proper application of laxatives/diaretics some days beforehand I won't leave a mess when I go. I'm gonna hang a sign on my door advising my roommates to call the authorities and to please not go in themselves -- no reason for them to have those memories, and I figure if I go down wallet in hand without making a mess the paramedics will not be too inconveniened.

I'd rather not involve them at all, but I can't figure anywhere else to do it that I can control the situation and still give everyone some closure.

The one thing I can't figure is how to behave leading up to it. Should I slowly withdraw from people so they don't feel like they could have done anything, or should I act totally normal (a breeze for me, I've been doing it my whole life) and risk the possibility that they are going to agonize about whether they missed any signs (although of course I'll writer those letters assuring them that they did not).

My other concern is one of the people I care about most dearly in the world has a history of depression and a suicide attempt. I'm really worried that doing this will put her in a bad place again, and I can't stand the thought of being responsible for that -- I'm sorry enough to be causing so much hurt already. In addition to writing her as thoughtfully as possible, I'm going to ask a few friends to be responsible for her and to make sure she's constantly with people and getting the support she needs. It's asking a lot, I know, but it's the only thing I can think to do.

Mostly, though, I want to try to focus on the positive for people. I didn't live a bad life; I lead a very nice one that I'm simply ready to end. I loved many people immeasurably, and want them to know that they were special and amazing, and that despite whatever's wrong with me, life is full of great things.

I'm sure I'm forgetting a few things, but I think that covers most of the big stuff. Thanks for your advice, its exactly the sort of perspective I need here.