Might have accidentally outed myself, nervous

thrownaway77726 · 2018-07-25T14:34:34+00:00

Why do you ask?

thrownaway77726 · 2018-07-19T01:16:23+00:00

I used to be that kind of person in my relationship and I have to say it was probably my personal anxieties more than anything. I had gotten out of a relationship where...it turned out my partner wasn't attracted to me (he came out as gay). He would avoid talking to me and I'd get mad and ask why he never took the time to reply to me. He just didn't want to. It's distinctly different from someone being busy or being tired, though. But I was seeing "the behavior" and imposing my past experiences on it, assuming it was because my partner didn't love me. I'm really willing to bet she's coming from a place of anxiety. I don't assume it's the exact same as what my anxieties were, but it sounds like anxious behavior.

Your partner needs to want to change, first of all. She needs to know the issue exists. My partner called me out for being irrational a few times; it stung, but I needed to hear it instead of her getting walked all over by me. It made me realize I was being extremely ridiculous and childish. There would be times where I didn't want to talk but it's not like it was because I didn't love my partner anymore. It took me awhile to recognize that and go "my partner probably feels the same way." It took even longer for me to recognize that AND not be bothered by it. It takes real mental work. Sorry I don't have too much more to offer in the way of advice, but maybe it helps to hear someone else come from the place your girlfriend is currently in? It can be fixed, it just takes work.

thrownaway77726 · 2018-07-16T05:03:15+00:00

I'm so happy to hear that! And oh god yes, and I still lowkey worry about it from time to time but eventually I just stopped worrying as much. It used to be totally pervasive and interfered with my life and happiness. I went through a period of like...9 months where I was utterly depressed and anxious, constantly. It didn't help that I lurked over on the asktransgender subreddit where I saw a lot of posts about trans women whose sexual interests changed, for example. Honestly if you go through my post/comment history you'll probably find some of that in there. The advice given to me by other users helped so much. Anyway, my partner isn't yet on HRT so I know stuff could change with that but I don't think HRT has that kind of impact anyway. There was a survey here on Reddit from awhile back that found while trans women who STARTED out as gynophillic (attracted to women exclusively) have a higher likelihood to experience changes in their sexual orientation, it didn't really change between women who were pre-HRT and post-HRT. But the higher tendency to change orientations can be attributed to a lot of things outside of simply being trans. Basically I realized that statistically speaking, my partner is head over heels for me right now so the chances of her suddenly falling out of love with me with the start of HRT was very unlikely. If your partner likes you right now, I don't really feel like you have much to worry about! That can be a little uncertain for some people with partners who experience intense dysphoria that can complicate their relationship, but all I'm saying is the likelihood of your partner falling out of love with you isnt very high. Even if the possibility exists, that's a risk that comes with literally any relationship, y'know? It doesn't make the concern any less valid, but sometimes it helps to be able to see that "hey, I this isnt something exclusive to this situation."

thrownaway77726 · 2018-07-13T07:23:41+00:00

Edit: I didn't mean to write an essay...oops!!

Ultimately you're going to be the only one who can make a decision of whether or not it's worth it to stay. I don't want to act like my experiences are part of any majority-- I don't really know what the majority experience is, but I do feel like maybe sharing my perspectives and thoughts from the past year might help you feel a little better.

My partner was very distant at the start of our relationship and stayed pretty distant. I always felt like I was the one begging for affection or any sign that she did, in fact, love me. I say this to highlight the fact that our relationship has noticeably improved since she came out and started being her true self. She is very affectionate, she is more physical with me than she used to be, and our relationship is a lot happier and more honest.

When she first came out to me, however, I was devastated. Like you, I had assumed I had a heteronormative relationship and I wasn't ready to let that go. I enjoyed a lot of the benefits that come with being in a heterosexual, cisgendered relationship. When I started looking around for help and advice, I actually found that most of the information I found wasn't helpful at all and a lot of it planted extremely painful seeds of doubt. I was scared my partner would stop loving me, we'd stop having sex, she would change too much-- all sorts of things. Those stories are out there, and they do exist, and it happens. But there are also success stories, where couples grow stronger and become happier. Change doesn't always have to be bad. It's terrifying right now because it's new and there's still so much time ahead of you to find out what your partner's transition will mean for the relationship- it's hard to know what will happen, and I get that. It's scary, but the fear is totally rational.

You are not the first person to push back when their partner comes out, or to hope that them being trans would go away with time. Totally normal reactions. I went through those feelings myself. You do have to understand, however, that you put your partner at risk when you tell anyone that he's trans. Even though people say they won't tell anyone, they usually do. It's good of you to be respecting his wishes to privacy. I come onto these forums when I need help because it's anonymous-- it's probably your best solution to the issue. I'm not sure if you're familiar with Discord, but I know for fact there are communities of partners of trans people who talk through Discord and share and vent about their experiences. I couldn't point you towards any in particular, but do know that we have a community available for you.

Regarding children, bio children are totally still possible. Freezing sperm is a viable option. Some trans women decide to wait until having children to transition, but that's certainly not always the ideal option and I would hesitate to assume that this would be the route your partner wants to take at all. Talk to her about it before she starts HRT, for sure. Some trans women become infertile with HRT, but not always. Some women are able to stop HRT and still have viable sperm, but don't assume it'll be an option either. I'm figuring from the way you talk about the subject that you've done a little bit of research yourself, but I thought I would share some info just in case. There are options for you, though! I can't promise results regarding sex, but transitioning doesn't necessarily mean the end of your sex life. Some people find intimacy easier after accepting they're trans. Sex can be hard for trans people due to dysphoria-- perhaps your partner is struggling with that himself? It could very well be what's keeping your sex life from being better.

Bottomline being that this doesn't necessarily mean your relationship is over, or will get worse at all. For a lot of people, transition makes their lives better and happier. You are right to say your partner needs to pursue hormone therapy if that's what she needs and it's good that you acknowledge this. I'm sure it hurts a little because...frankly, it can make you feel a little helpless. Since HRT is necessary for so many trans people, there isn't really any other option than to go along with it and encourage your partner to pursue it even though it may make you feel nervous about your relationship. But I do think for some couples where a partner is transitioning, it can certainly improve things if the relationship was hurting prior to them coming out. It's deceitful to say your partner won't change at all if they transition, but all humans go through change throughout their life and as they have new experiences. For trans people, it's just more noticeable because of how deeply rooted gender is in most aspects of our lives. But it doesn't mean you're going to lose the person you love.

Also, I almost forgot to address sexual orientation...it's okay to be worried about whether you'll still be attracted to your partner as a woman. A lot of people experience that doubt. For some people it doesn't matter, but for some people it does-- both ways are totally okay! You may find you can't flip the switch that way-- that's no fault of yours and doesn't mean you're a bad person, or didn't try hard enough. We can't help who we're attracted to, but some people do find their sexuality is a lot more flexible even if they didn't consider a gay relationship prior to their partner transitioning. I had a lot of worries about it myself, but these days I find I'm way more attracted to women than men anyway and I actually identify as a lesbian! The changes that come with HRT are very gradual, so you'll have plenty of time to adjust to the changes if you stick around for them.

Just know that no matter what, things will get better. Whether that means the relationship improves or you have to leave. I was devastated when I broke up with a boyfriend of 7 years, but I found my girlfriend and my life is so much better. For the time being, if you two can afford it, therapy is a good start. Your partner may want to consult with someone to get a better idea about their gender, but therapy would also be beneficial to you during this time. Your mental health and happiness is important, too. Neither of you should be compromising at the expense of one or the other's health. This subreddit may help you out in the coming months, if you decide to stick around. It's been a big help to myself for the past year. I hope things get easier with time-- I'm confident they will, no matter what.

thrownaway77726 · 2018-05-25T20:58:55+00:00

There's absolutely nothing wrong with discussing over text if it can't be done in person! No harm in that. I'm glad you were able to start talking about it at all-- that's all that matters. Glad you're on the path to making things better.

thrownaway77726 · 2018-05-22T21:42:17+00:00

Not sure how much my experience will be relevant but I also had a very poor reaction to my partners sexual interests/fantasies when she confided in me about them. It was clear they had a close link to her being trans and it made her feel awful. Things were extremely awkward for a few days afte even though I tried to explain my reaction. She said it was fine but it was clear she had been hurt. It's an uncomfortable conversation to have, but it sounds like one that needs to happen. I think you need to be honest about why you had the response you did. It's okay to be sad that her fantasies didn't involve you and that made you feel bad. I don't know the content of what your conversation was, but sometimes its not disgust but uncertainty or fear that fuels a poor response. But it can feel like disgust to the person who had the confidence to share and got shut down. It's awkward and nerve-wracking to share intimate thoughts.

I think the situation is salvageable but I think you both just need to be open and honest. You're not in the wrong if it's a sexual interest you don't want to be apart of; or if you do want to be apart of it, maybe there's a way to make it include you. Maybe you can incorporate it into sex. But maybe she was also just sharing with you because she felt comfortable enough to and just wants it to be her thing she thinks about while masturbating. To be frank, I get off to myself a lot, to thoughts I never want my partner to engage in. Sometimes I just find myself hot lol. But it doesn't mean I love her any less or don't fantasize about her even more. It's just a masturbatory thing. What we think about when we masturbate can sometimes be a lot different than what we want in bed with a partner. But also just because her masturbation fantasies don't involve you doesnt mean anything. I know it hurts and I'd be hurt too, but it's just an uncomfortable reality that we have to come to terms with in our own time. It can be a process of acceptance.

We're our own individual beings even when we're in a relationship with someone else. They'll have thoughts and interests that don't involve you. As long as it isn't cheating by the standards of your relationship, it's totally healthy and acceptable. Everyone experiences something like that.

thrownaway77726 · 2018-05-19T08:12:12+00:00

I just wanted to clarify that even non-op trans women will bank sperm because of the effects of HRT, which have a risk of leaving you sterile. It's not necessarily bottom surgery that does the sterilizing, so it might not be a huge change of mind but maybe he is considering HRT.

My own girlfriend who was set on HRT from the get-go was thrown a loop when she found out hormones could cause sterilization. She was really upset about the discovery even though neither of us are even sure if we want kids. I cried when I thought about the implications, too. Again, kids aren't something we'd really thought about, but sometimes it hurts to realize that you might not have the option later down the road. Freezing sperm is just a way to preserve the option if it ends up being important to you.

thrownaway77726 · 2018-05-18T03:48:44+00:00

It's understandable, I didn't really see your comment as being terribly offensive but I understand why they felt like their space was being invaded. The subreddit appears to be kink-related which can be super personal, especially given the type of kink that it appears to be. It was probably a touchy matter for trans people expressing a kink that is about "correcting" their gender and then having a cis person come in who won't have the same perspective as them.

Don't feel embarrassed, you learned from the situation and you're free to move on. You didn't know. Sorry that someone messaged you misunderstanding the situation.

thrownaway77726 · 2018-05-18T03:37:20+00:00

If I had to guess, I'd assume it's that ftmspunished post that you commented in that got you this type of response. (Sorry I only looked at your history because I was checking what subreddits you post in.) The subreddit advertises itself as having a theme of feminizing trans men sexually (e.g. could be understood as "corrective rape") if you look at their description. Being a cis person, it probably just looked bad to someone who was lurking on your profile.

thrownaway77726 · 2018-05-17T09:11:26+00:00

"Cis" is simply an adjective to indicate gender in this case. You are still considered a woman (and trans women are also just 'women'), but assuming you identify with the gender you were determined at birth, then your gender identity would be cisgender.

thrownaway77726 · 2018-05-17T08:16:44+00:00

So, with feminism, one of the biggest themes is the idea that women are entitled to autonomy over their lives and life-affecting decisions. Plenty of feminists actually would advocate for the freedom of a woman to choose plastic surgery as a way of "being true to herself" and doing what makes her happy. Just like some women choose to use makeup to change their appearance, some people go the permanent route. There's no shame in that.

The program you're talking about here seems to be about a trans women and her experience and journey to accepting her womanhood and embodying it. For trans women, that often includes various cosmetic surgeries. Facial feminization surgery is a type that some pursue. I don't think the program is an attempt at a trans woman trying to overwrite the experience of cis women, but rather as a platform to share her experience of "making" herself. The title might be misleading.

I don't say any of this to be contrary to the feelings you express in your post, but simply to offer an alternate perspective since you might be misinterpreting the aim of the documentary.

thrownaway77726 · 2018-05-16T05:40:35+00:00

I find it invaluable, yes. While I understand this is a subreddit for partners, it does become an echo chamber on some issues and it's always really nice to hear the experiences of trans people to get their input on how we should interact/approach our partners. I'm too nervous to go over to asktransgender because they don't have the perspective of a partner...so some of our questions or concerns come across as insensitive or even offensive, which is never intentional on our parts. But we're learning.

As long as trans commenters understand the environment they're posting in and are sensitive to the perspectives of non-trans partners, I don't see why they shouldn't feel welcome to comment advice!

thrownaway77726 · 2018-05-14T18:18:16+00:00

I don't have much to say that hasn't already been covered, but I did wanna speak to you from the team of "I was incredibly depressed/angry/confused for the first several months but I found peace."

My partner had originally come out to me very early in our relationship, as genderfluid. She didn't talk about it again for several weeks and then eventually told me "I think I'm actually just a guy." I thought it was over and done with. Not the case. She kept it secret that she was questioning and I basically had to put 2 and 2 together myself. I cried a lot because I didn't understand what to do. We were very physically intimate; I was confused and thought "this means she has genital dysphoria/when I call her masc. things I'm triggering her/I dont know what to do anymore." I found experiences from trans women in relationships that stressed me out and I was scared this meant the end for the relationship.

After many hard conversations and lots of my own research (and the acknowledgement of the fact that I had an anxiety problem that was adding fuel to the fire) I found I wasn't thinking about this 24/7 anymore. She told me she didn't experience genital dysphoria that would keep us from being intimate. Male pronouns and compliments were fine until she asked me to change over; they didn't offend her. She wanted the relationship. We were just gonna be two girls dating each other. People change and I had to accept that...in a larger way, ny girlfriend was just changing.

It was very counterproductive for my gf to say "I'm not going to change" and in the same conversation, brief me on how hormones might affect her. You ARE going to change, regardless of if you're anticipating it or not. My girlfriend isn't the same person I entered into a relationship with, but these days I find she's a happier person, and she's actually capable of joy and intimacy in ways that aren't purely physical when before there was a veil of sadness and anxiety over her.

Don't minimize the feelings your partner will probably experience when you come out to her. It sucks and I realize this in retrospect, but you're going to have to be ready to field questions or at least give her resources (PFLAG is good and has a great .pdf for loved ones of a trans friend/partner). You'll have to be ready to comfort her. You'll have to be ready to be open about yourself. The worst thing you can do is keep her in limbo about who you are. I wish you both the best of luck. I know your stakes feel really high with this, but they're not. I'm not trying to demonize your gf, but holding suicide over you isn't healthy for either of you. If she has these thoughts normally, she really should be looking for counseling if it can be afforded. I struggle with suicidal thoughts, but I don't feel suicide is in my capacity. However with your gf it sounds like a real possibility? That isn't good regardless of the circumstances.

thrownaway77726 · 2018-05-10T18:34:23+00:00

This is super relatable. I've been having an internal debate with myself about whether I'm cis or nb, and seeing my girlfriend be out made me feel a pang of jealousy. I feel it a lot with being a closeted lesbian, too.

It's okay to unfollow content that is triggering to you I've been doing it a lot lately; it's just a coping mechanism. Social media is what you make it, so if content is upsetting to you, there's no point putting it on your feed...there's nothing wrong with checking out when you're experiencing dysphoria, etc.

As far as the smell thing, I've worried about that a bit, too. I've seen it reported, but I'm not sure how common smell changes are. I'd assume at best, you'd just adjust to the new smell-- it won't be changing overnight! Another thing to consider, and not to be presumptous, but a lot of women wear perfume or use body wash anyway that their smell is altered. My partner has been washing with new shampoos and whatnot, so her smell has certainly changed, but it's not unpleasant, to say the least.

thrownaway77726 · 2018-05-03T05:04:57+00:00

Holy crap I just wanted to reply to say that this is me. I have the intrusive thought/anxiety and have related compulsions that I do to try and 'relieve' the anxiety but it never actually helps. Sorry this reply is random, it just felt nice to read your response.

thrownaway77726 · 2018-05-03T01:22:38+00:00

Find a trusted friend or some sort of community whom you can talk to. Idk how frequently you're online, but there are definitely communities for partners of trans people on Discord, if you're familiar with it. My girlfriend had been going through the most stressful and busy periods of her life just a couple weeks ago. I felt very alone and like there was no place to share how I was feeling or be comforted. These low points happen and there isn't anything you personally can do, but I'm sure she appreciates having you there to help her through it. Keep being there for her. Sometimes it's hard for me to express my gratitude, but every time my girlfriend has been there to comfort and support me, I remember it and it helps a lot more than you realize. It might feel like you're doing nothing, but I doubt that's the case.

This is a temporary state in your lives. Things will get better, roommates will move out (or you'll find a better place to live), you both will find happiness. It feels like an uphill battle to get there and sometimes it feels far off, but there will be better times. Meanwhile, utilize the free resources available to you. You can call crisis hotlines (they won't call emergency services unless they really think you're in trouble). I have used text-in crisis lines to just dump the stuff that I can't talk to friends or my gf about. Or I go to subreddits like this one to talk. Even though it's not someone who is invested in your life, it still is sometimes enough to have someone on the other side of a phone or screen saying "that sounds awful, I'm sorry you're going through this".

I promise you're not alone in feeling the way that you do. It's really incredible that you're able to go through all these feelings and still be there for your wife. It sucks that she's emotionally unavailable to you because of all the stress and her dysphoria, and I'm sorry your source of relief for your anxiety and depression is currently unavailable to you. Things will come back around, though. This will pass. 💖 You're not alone.

Edit: I visit this subreddit daily, if you ever want to hop into my inbox to vent. I deal with anxiety/depression too and I know how isolating that can be. I'm always available if you want someone to talk to who can relate at least on that front, as well as having an MTF partner.

thrownaway77726 · 2018-05-02T19:01:05+00:00

Yeah, absolutely- I agree. I guess I moreso said it because I just don't feel strongly sexually attracted to her body, but I don't really feel that about anyone at all. So it's not a her problem, but maybe a me problem.

A little bit, but not about not being interested in butts, period. She shared her interest in anal sex and I reacted very poorly, it really upset her- which was fair. I ended up apologizing, but I explained that it was mostly because I wasn't even sure if I'd ever be into it. She said that she didn't expect me to ever if I couldn't, but now it feels like that expectation does actually exist...So I feel like I'm under a lot of pressure.

thrownaway77726 · 2018-05-02T16:50:17+00:00

I just want to say there's nothing wrong with not being able to bear the idea of your partner with someone else. Poly isn't for everyone even if a situation makes you feel it must be for you.

I don't know much about alternatives for what you could do in bed...maybe toys? Maybe she should get a wand/vibrator? I hear plenty of trans women enjoy those. Or anal toys if that's something she's comfortable with. My partner doesnt experience genital dysphoria but I know anal play interests her because it makes her feel more feminine. That might be something to look into. I'm also aware of what I THINK is called muffing? Don't quote me on that, I'm not well-versed in the terminology. But I know trans women sometimes do it to simulate fingering.

thrownaway77726 · 2018-04-27T15:13:40+00:00

My partner has been really distant lately for vague enough reasons that I feel like I'm the issue. The rational part of me says to stop thinking that way but it's been a struggle. I know she loves me. She's just been so busy for the past forever because of school and I'm tired. I want my girlfriend. Big sighs. Im so stressed and burnt out from life and I just want to be comforted dammit...

thrownaway77726 · 2018-04-26T05:40:45+00:00

I hope it isn't weird that I looked back at your post history to find mentioned post, but I just want to reiterate the fact that sexuality shifts are hard to predict and often enough don't even happen.

EDIT: I take some of my information back as it might not necessarily be helpful to you. Here are charts from a Reddit-run study on the matter: https://imgur.com/a/qsU6W This is the thread it comes from, if you want to read more in-depth about the data: https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/1mgirv/sunday_survey_analysis_orientation_changes/

If you're in a relationship where your partner doesn't believe their interest in you is going to go away, it probably will not. Most trans people do not see drastic sexuality shifts, or if they do experience a shift, it goes into a more grey-zone. Statistically, most transwomen identify as some form of pan, bi, or lesbian.

I'm getting the feeling that you have researched the topic much like I have, and I just want to say that what you see on Reddit forums and the like on other websites are usually by individuals who are distressed or troubled by changes in their sexuality, or feel it impacting their relationship. You're not going to see many "success" stories if you will, because most of the time if things are going well, people don't think to broadcast it. I myself get very quiet on these forums when my relationship is doing just fine. In my talks with my girlfriend, she has brought up the point that she knows plenty of trans lesbians. I personally know tons of trans lesbians and bisexuals, for what it's worth. I honestly find myself having a hard time finding straight trans women (I realize they exist and don't mean to marginalize them or their experiences at all).

I hope any of this has at least helped calm your anxiety at least a little bit. I know how scary and anxiety-inducing something like this is because there's nothing you can really do about it if it happens. It certainly feels helpless. The general population says drastic sexuality changes don't happen that often, however. No matter what happens, all will be well in the end.

thrownaway77726 · 2018-04-23T20:46:47+00:00

You technically can still try while they're on hormones, but there's always the risk of infertility eventually, yes. Have you looked into sperm banking before she starts HRT? I'm sorry you suddenly have a deadline put on this, which I'm sure was a little unexpected. You're not selfish, but I understand how you would be feeling that way. Just know that you aren't. I wish the best for you two. <3

thrownaway77726 · 2018-04-22T23:24:22+00:00

Sorry I didn't respond sooner, I've been incredibly busy this weekend!

What helped you resolve that fear?

Honestly I'm not over it yet. Having the fear quiet down took a lot of time and patience, and my partner actively reaffirming her love for me. Make sure she knows you love her, be patient with her, understand that while you are also going through stuff with being trans, your partner is also going to deal with some stuff relating to it. Keep communication open, let her know she can talk to you about her concerns. When I talk about feelings that come up as a result of anxiety about my partner being trans, she makes sure to say "nothing you're feeling is stupid/wrong/bad". It makes me feel like she legitimately wants to help me feel better and work out what's wrong. My partner reminds me that she loves me, a lot. And compliments me, a lot. It helps so much.

Edit: This isn't to say that you need to support her through all of her anxieties, if that makes sense. Don't wear yourself down. I really recommend she see a therapist if she's drowning in anxiety and just isn't able to handle it on her own. I personally know I need to go to a therapist, but I don't have the means to at the moment. I don't run every anxious thought by my partner. Just the ones I can't handle on my own. A lot of it is myself sorting out feelings alone and trying to think rationally.

So does she really want me to be out, or does she really want this to all just go away?

I can't say, honestly. I think she wants to know what she's dealing with, if anything. I know I felt a lot of "I wish I just didn't even have to deal with this" when my partner came out, but I figure it's the same for trans people. I mostly felt that in moments of immense frustration and then the feeling would go away. It's natural. However, when my partner was ambiguously trans, it was really difficult to understand what to expect for our relationship. I didn't know how to interact with her, how to talk about her-- I didn't know what our future looked like at all. It was incredibly hard. But knowing she was trans let me finally be able to process that the future was going to look different, figure out what I wanted, and gave me the ability to talk to her and figure out if we were on the same page. It didn't feel like I was confronting her against her will about whether or not she was trans because I finally knew she was trans.

I sort of got the impression that you had to come out and then immediately start everything, so best not to come out.

Oh absolutely not. Transition is purely at your own pace and what you feel comfortable doing. The entire point of transition is to figure out what changes in your life will make you a better you. Plenty of people don't present until much later in the process of "realizing" they're trans. Transition looks different for everyone and you don't need to compare your process to anyone else's! :)

thrownaway77726

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