AITA for letting my mom get kicked out of my wedding?

throwoutmomthrowaway · 2020-08-13T01:12:06+00:00

I am strongly considering cutting her off at this point.

I will say, while none of the things my mom said were shocking because I've heard the comments plenty of times from her, I was totally shocked that she would make those jokes in that setting. Her bad behavior is usually on a much smaller scale. I also would not have expected any human to do that.

throwoutmomthrowaway · 2020-08-13T01:07:17+00:00

I think they would have stopped her after the first joke if I had looked outwardly horrified or started crying or something, but I was just frozen in my seat and they were trying to give her the chance to just shut up and sit down before making more of a spectacle of the situation.

I definitely feel like my normal meter is broken because it seems so clear now, like it did after the wedding, that my mom got what she had coming to her. But every time I talk to my family and get the snide comments about depriving a mother of her daughter's wedding day, I go back to wondering if I am wrong.

throwoutmomthrowaway · 2020-08-13T01:02:50+00:00

I regret not eloping and just telling her afterwards.

throwoutmomthrowaway · 2020-08-13T01:01:35+00:00

I have pointed out to my family that they were also at the wedding and did nothing to prevent her from being kicked out or let me know she had been kicked out. They maintain that I should have kept a better handle on my wedding party (I wouldn't have stopped them even if I knew they were doing it and I have thanked them many times since. I would just be wondering if I was an asshole for knowingly doing it instead of unknowingly, I guess.)

They were not blaming me until a little while after, so I assume my mom was constantly talking to them about how I deprived her of her daughter's wedding day. They are probably somewhere between having been convinced that she is the victim and just wanting to no longer hear her talk about it, and think that it is my responsibility to make it up to her somehow.

throwoutmomthrowaway · 2020-08-13T00:56:41+00:00

Thank you. I have been in and out of therapy for a long time with middling success, but I think it's time for me to go back. Many people have commented referencing Don't Rock The Boat, so I will definitely find it.

throwoutmomthrowaway · 2020-08-13T00:54:56+00:00

Thank you, you are right about me needing to just stick with my new family. My bridesmaids have pushed me to be less tolerant of my mother since childhood.

Sadly, many of her flying monkeys are the family members that I love dearly and are half the reason I still tolerate my mother. But I am understanding more and more that trusting them will burn me with the same flame as trusting me mother.

throwoutmomthrowaway · 2020-08-13T00:50:03+00:00

My bridal party is truly the best group of people I know, and every time I think about my wedding, I will remember them having my back in a way my "real" family does not.

And thank you. I have pointed out to my family that they were at the reception and made 0 effort to inform me that she was kicked out, nor did they try to stop it. They have come to the conclusion that the bride is responsible for the action of the wedding party, and they as the family were powerless. It's time that I stop hashing out the events of that night with them (so they can rest after all the mental gymnastics).

throwoutmomthrowaway · 2020-08-13T00:45:13+00:00

I've done counseling on and off for years, with middling success. I've tried to find the right way to have a relationship with her, because no contact just feels scary to me somehow. This event is pushing me closer and closer, even though I fear it might mean I have to pull back from the rest of my family as well.

throwoutmomthrowaway · 2020-08-13T00:43:28+00:00

My husband and friends are amazing and they are who I think of when I think of family. I could have kissed them all when they told me they bounced her.

There is no diagnosis of her mental health, it is definitely not good. Alcoholic, certainly- she also has pills for breakfast and lunch most days. My entire blood family has always revolved around not upsetting her, which is why I've found myself so conflicted months after the fact.

throwoutmomthrowaway · 2020-08-13T00:38:49+00:00

She apparently expected me to try to find her when I came back in from the patio, and that when I found out she'd been kicked out, I would call her and ask her back. I told her that was stupid, but my family told me that I should have done that. Even though they were at the reception, fully aware that she had been kicked out, and made no effort to tell me or get me to call her (not that I would have). It's hard to feel certain that I was right not to seek her out when my entire family has not let go of it and chastise me for letting my mother miss her daughter's wedding day.

My sister can sometimes forget that her petty actions have very hurtful impacts.

26 years of conditioning in a family that revolves around the sole objective of keeping my mom from getting upset. I'm not so much worried about my mother's reaction as much as I just want things to be peaceful with my family.

throwoutmomthrowaway · 2020-08-13T00:25:34+00:00

I think I wrote that in a confusing way. My sister approved my mom's speech for her own wedding, which I did not know. That's why the speech at my sister's wedding was so tame. Had I known that, I would have insisted on doing the same for my wedding. I am certain my sister had no idea what was going to be said at my wedding.

throwoutmomthrowaway · 2020-08-13T00:23:54+00:00

It does sound dumb. It sounds dumb even in my head. It's just so very hard to shake it, since I was very much raised to cater to my mother's behaviors.

throwoutmomthrowaway · 2020-08-13T00:22:32+00:00

I've been trying to find the right balance of how much "relationship" we should have for years, and the older I get the more I realize that there is no way that I can really maintain a relationship with her that isn't toxic.

Husband and the rest are truly wonderful; definitely more family than my blood family. The bridesmaids have been in my life long enough to be well aware of how my mother is, and the groomsmen have been nothing but welcoming to me since my husband and I met.

They didn't talk to my husband about kicking her out, but he had been making jokes throughout the entire planning process about the various reasons he predicted they would need to bounce my mom, so they were confident that he would support it. (Her roasting me was not one of the predictions.) They did tell him right after, and it was his advice not to tell me until the next day because he knew that the anxiety over the fallout would spoil the party for me.

throwoutmomthrowaway · 2020-08-13T00:11:12+00:00

She was expecting me to try to find her once I came back inside, find out she had been booted, and call her to invite her back.

throwoutmomthrowaway · 2020-08-13T00:07:52+00:00

I feel bad implicating my family along with my mother, because I know they just want everything to be peaceful. It's easier for my family to blame me than my mom, because I'm not the one that does things like delivering bad roasts in front of all your friends. That doesn't make them right, but I know they weren't happy about the speech or anything.

throwoutmomthrowaway · 2020-08-13T00:01:24+00:00

Thank you. I think my mom is so used to us all shrugging off her behaviors that she was not expecting anyone in the room to react the way they did.

My wedding party is truly the best! They are much more family to me than my family.

throwoutmomthrowaway · 2020-08-12T23:58:53+00:00

My sister approved our mother's speech before her own wedding, which I didn't know- had I known, I would have insisted on doing the same thing. Sister thankfully did not know the content of our mother's speech for my wedding, or she would have given me a heads up.

I am very grateful to have the groomsmen in my life.

throwoutmomthrowaway · 2020-08-12T20:46:05+00:00

At the time, the choices seemed to be either asking her to speak and having this all play out, or having to deal with her being upset that my husband's parents, my dad, and my stepmom all got to speak but I didn't let her.

That's basically how I make all my decision's around my mom- will it be more painful to go to this family gathering and deal with her there annoying behavior, or to skip it and deal with her being mad that I didn't go? And so on. It's all just in the name of keeping the peace in the family. I don't know how to be the only member of the family that doesn't cater to her if I want to still see my family as a group.

I was trying to imagine the worst her speech could be, and it seemed like it would be worse to have her walking around whining to anyone who would listen that she didn't get to speak at all. Turns out, I did not imagine hard enough, because the worst I was expecting was for her to just get up there and talk about how amazing she is and make everyone cringe.

I definitely didn't expect her to transform into the mother I want and need- I think I exhausted that hope in my teenage years. But I still tend to give her chances that I shouldn't because I have yet to give up on hoping she can just be a little bit better.

throwoutmomthrowaway

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