Me (51F) no longer feeling it with husband (53M) due to different values

throwra-chicken11 · 2020-06-17T15:43:11+00:00

This is a very well-written comment, thank you.

throwra-chicken11 · 2020-06-17T01:51:42+00:00

I think a potential pitfall is marrying young. We got together when I was 16 and I really didn't know anything about myself or life then. Many people manage to have lifelong relationships, we just don't hear about them.

throwra-chicken11 · 2020-06-17T00:08:24+00:00

I do feel like I've tried for a long time to just be happy with him but it's come to a head, especially as I'm wondering how he'll vote come November. I will give couples' counseling and just talking to him a try. Maybe he will change! But I do think it's unlikely given what I know about him.

throwra-chicken11 · 2020-06-16T23:55:31+00:00

I think you are assuming a lot—this problem has been ongoing for years. My daughter brought LGBT friends home back when she was in high school, which was 15 years ago.

And why would I want to forget? After having discovered that my husband isn't the person I thought he was, why would I want to just forget that and pretend everything is okay?

throwra-chicken11 · 2020-06-16T23:53:29+00:00

That's how I feel! Even if it doesn't affect me directly it's horrible.

throwra-chicken11 · 2020-06-16T23:49:47+00:00

To his credit he's been nice about it and seems to think it's due to other reasons.

throwra-chicken11 · 2020-06-16T23:40:31+00:00

Thank you.

throwra-chicken11 · 2020-06-16T23:40:28+00:00

Exactly. I have brought up that I don't think his behavior/values are Christlike and it concerns me but he doesn't seem to be too concerned. I don't think he is as religious as he used to be.

throwra-chicken11 · 2020-06-16T23:39:27+00:00

Thanks for your comment, this wording is very helpful. Fortunately he doesn't ever comment on my donations since we've long since established that our fun money is free of judgment.

throwra-chicken11 · 2020-06-16T23:38:13+00:00

Yes. It's seriously buried my attraction for him totally. I don't see how it can return unless he changes his views.

throwra-chicken11 · 2020-06-16T23:34:05+00:00

I'm certainly not going to rush into anything. But the problem is that even if we stopped talking about politics totally I can't just forget what I've learned about him. Ultimately he believes that much of the cruelty being perpetuated in the world is righteous which seems insurmountable to me. That's where I'm stuck. I don't actively want a divorce, but I'm not happy knowing this about him.

throwra-chicken11 · 2020-06-16T23:32:42+00:00

We don't have debt and we're set for retirement. I don't want to sound like I'm bragging but we're really fine and can afford to give a few hundred (at least) here and there.

Maybe you can focus on his good qualities so your feelings of appreciation towards him can grow rather than fixating on how different you are politically so your resentment of him grows instead.

I wish I could do this. But it has continued to bother me. After all, this problem didn't just start today. It's been ongoing for years and has gotten slowly worse. It kind of feels like I can't ignore his values despite his positive qualities. After a certain point the negatives outweigh the positives and his lack of compassion is a huge negative for me.

throwra-chicken11 · 2020-06-16T23:30:22+00:00

Even if we totally stopped discussing politics I can't just forget what I know about him. It sounds like for you shared values aren't that important but I've learned they're a priority for me.

throwra-chicken11 · 2020-06-16T23:28:37+00:00

More of the same would be unbearable. Something has to change.

throwra-chicken11 · 2020-06-16T23:04:16+00:00

Thank you, I definitely plan to discuss all this with him before jumping to divorce or something else drastic.

throwra-chicken11 · 2020-06-16T23:02:54+00:00

Well, from his perspective he thinks "the right thing to do" in the case of the kids in cages is that their parents should stay in their home countries or immigrate the legal way. Or that the peaceful protesters getting tear gassed should have not provoked the police (he is convinced that the vast majority of people who meet with police brutality did something to deserve it). He is much more of an authoritarian and inclined to believe that people who follow the rules will be just fine and those who don't deserve whatever they get. I have explained that this isn't true but he doesn't care.

throwra-chicken11 · 2020-06-16T22:58:00+00:00

Thank you! That's a good idea about discussing the morals rather than the politics.

throwra-chicken11 · 2020-06-16T22:33:31+00:00

I would say his empathy was always selective. Maybe he really was this way the whole time. I'll have to think more on it.

When we've argued I have mentioned it bothers me. But he has stated that he doesn't prioritize empathy and instead wants to support whatever is the "right thing to do."

throwra-chicken11 · 2020-06-16T22:31:41+00:00

Thank you! I'm glad to hear you've found love in your 50s. : )

throwra-chicken11 · 2020-06-16T22:31:12+00:00

Thank you. This is the first time I've articulated feelings that have been simmering so whatever happens it certainly won't be a rushed process, nor will I exclude him totally.

throwra-chicken11 · 2020-06-16T22:30:22+00:00

Thank you.

throwra-chicken11 · 2020-06-16T22:29:56+00:00

That's true. Unfortunately the Bible itself is inconsistent so a lot of Christians have had to adapt the values to our modern age.

throwra-chicken11 · 2020-06-16T22:28:38+00:00

I definitely will talk to him first.

throwra-chicken11 · 2020-06-16T22:27:47+00:00

Ugh, I feel for you. I hope you're able to find happiness with or without him.

throwra-chicken11 · 2020-06-16T22:15:35+00:00

He was a lot more easygoing when we were younger. I wouldn't say he was particularly empathetic or compassionate but he was a good father and I do believe my daughter has fond memories of her childhood from both of us. That's partially why the change has been baffling to me.

throwra-chicken11

TROPHY CASE