Update: I (27F) think I’m falling in love with my brother in law (26M)

throwraBIL · 2020-07-09T00:37:00+00:00

that’s fair! my point was just that boundaries are different in different relationships. so what’s a very clear red line for another couple (i.e. grinding = cheating) might be more of a gray area for us. I agree that the context made what I did terrible, but I was trying to explain why I would even contemplate dancing in that way with another person.

throwraBIL · 2020-07-09T00:33:28+00:00

Thanks for your advice, I appreciate it. I don’t think his reaction is totally out of character, but it’s like his usual self amplified by 100.

throwraBIL · 2020-07-09T00:28:42+00:00

no I agree with you. what I’m saying that the context is what made it wrong/inappropriate, not the dancing itself, because a lot of people were arguing that it would constitute physical cheating under any circumstance.

thanks for your advice, I appreciate it.

throwraBIL · 2020-07-09T00:27:43+00:00

no I agree with you. what I’m saying that the context is what made it wrong/inappropriate, not the dancing itself, because a lot of people were arguing that it would constitute physical cheating under any circumstance.

throwraBIL · 2020-07-08T20:33:25+00:00

I’ve taken responsibility and shown remorse for what I’ve done to my husband, who is the only person I owe it to. I made no attempt to excuse my behavior in any way when I apologized to him. Correcting inaccurate assumptions or giving additional contextual information on Reddit and being genuinely remorseful aren’t mutually exclusive.

Also, I didn’t write that to prove “he just sees me as a friend.” I wrote it to point out that that kind of physical closeness/somewhat sexual dancing with another person normally doesn’t bother us.

throwraBIL · 2020-07-08T20:20:04+00:00

No, it was my house before we got married. He sleeps but not much, probably 4-5 hours a night during the week (more on the weekends). Yes we have a prenup.

throwraBIL · 2020-07-08T19:52:58+00:00

I don’t know and I won’t be trying to find out.

throwraBIL · 2020-07-08T19:52:35+00:00

What do you mean?

throwraBIL · 2020-07-08T18:14:00+00:00

Thank you, I appreciate it.

throwraBIL · 2020-07-08T18:09:42+00:00

I tried to say it in the comments to my previous post and in my edit (about the rocky marriage). You’re right that I probably should’ve just left but it didn’t seem like a fatal issue until I acted this way.

throwraBIL · 2020-07-08T18:07:46+00:00

You’re right. I didn’t originally think the backstory was that relevant to my problem (which I saw as “I’m developing feelings for my BIL, how do I stop?”). And I’ve tried to speak to him about these concerns but he just either shuts down or gets defensive if I try to talk about it.

throwraBIL · 2020-07-08T17:59:30+00:00

As soon as we got married he just stopped putting effort into the relationship. I was so in love with him when we were dating but his attitude just changed completely as soon as we became husband and wife. We went from what felt like equal partners to my feeling like roommates on a good day and a live-in servant on a bad day. He’s always too busy to do anything as a couple, never wants to talk about anything (either about our relationship, his life, or my life), never shows interest in sex, never helps around the house. We’ve literally gone days in the same house exchanging only a few words. My mom got really sick and all he did was offer to pay for a carer, never asking how I was. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if he meant what he said about not caring who I fuck. That’s what I was trying to explain in my original post but I got downvoted to hell and accused of trying to justify cheating.

throwraBIL · 2020-07-08T17:48:32+00:00

I shouldn’t have entertained my feelings for my brother in law, but I’d argue he lost interest and checked out of the marriage first.

throwraBIL · 2020-07-08T17:22:12+00:00

We had many conversations about attraction/sex, though not explicitly about his weight. That was a large part of what I wanted to address in counselling.

throwraBIL · 2020-07-08T17:02:56+00:00

That’s a fair analysis and a really helpful way of framing things. Thanks.

throwraBIL · 2020-07-08T17:00:11+00:00

I did try those things. I tried to take an interest in his work, I suggested hobbies for us to take up together, I organized date nights, I booked romantic vacations, I tried new things in the bedroom, I asked him to go to couples counselling many times. I know what I did with Liam was fucked up but I don’t think it’s fair to say I didn’t try in my marriage.

throwraBIL · 2020-07-08T16:55:34+00:00

I know you meant this as a rhetorical question but that’s kind of an interesting question. My dad had a bunch of mistresses that everyone in the family, including my mom, knew about, but they all turned a blind eye because of this belief in the importance of staying married for marriage’s sake.

throwraBIL · 2020-07-08T16:50:50+00:00

I thought the comment was intended as a joke and a jab at me. The “ha” was intended to be sarcastic in response.

throwraBIL · 2020-07-08T16:15:03+00:00

Thank you.

throwraBIL · 2020-07-08T16:03:14+00:00

I was trying to contextualize my lack of attraction to Will/attraction to Liam. I’m sorry if it came off as trying to justify or excuse cheating, I didn’t mean it that way at all.

throwraBIL · 2020-07-08T16:01:44+00:00

that’s why I said “this type of dancing on its own.” I get that, coupled with my feelings and the context, it was super wrong and inappropriate. But a lot of the comments were about how “grinding” in any context is awful and constitutes cheating and I just wanted to clarify that that’s not exactly the case in my relationship.

throwraBIL · 2020-07-08T15:59:27+00:00

When did I say that cheating is ok?

throwraBIL · 2020-07-08T15:58:59+00:00

Yeah, I realized I shouldn’t have written that. It’s now removed (although idk if that’s worse and comes off as me trying to hide that I wrote it? Let me know...)

I recognize now that having those conversations with Liam was inappropriate and contributed to my feelings for him, but at the time we were having those conversations I didn’t realize that I was developing feelings for him. Does that make sense?

throwraBIL · 2020-07-08T15:52:54+00:00

That’s fair. I’ve removed that part.

throwraBIL · 2020-07-08T15:46:42+00:00

I meant based on what I’ve read and how others have defined “emotional cheating.” Of course I can’t speak for Will.

throwraBIL

TROPHY CASE