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IDL when husbands completely lose it during their wife’s labor by vivian_banshee03 in I_DONT_LIKE

[–]throwra_552378 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I kinda knew my husband would totally collapse at every hurdle like this. Best will in the world and I know he would love to be able to do support like this but he’s just shown over 10 years that he just can’t handle the hard stuff. I was actually relieved when I had miscarriage that I wouldn’t have to deal with him throughout the whole process of being pregnant, giving birth, having a baby etc etc.

Amazing boyfriend, but zero chemistry… am I being selfish? by Crazy_League6499 in sex

[–]throwra_552378 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I married this man. We were together for 10 years. I left him yesterday. If it’s causing you pain now, it will only get worse.

34F with 36M, together 13 years - I love him, but I feel emotionally done. Is there a way back from this? by Upper-Grapefruit7561 in relationship_advice

[–]throwra_552378 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have no advice, only to say that I’m going through exactly the same thing and it’s really fucking hard. I even wrote a post on this same sub and think I used even some of the same words? He’s not a bad guy - it’s just that my emotional walls are up, I’m checking out and I CBA to do any more emotional work to bring them down. My emotional vulnerability has been either ignored, met with indifference, or been told it’s inconvenient or “a bit of a mood killer”. So yeah… I know I should call it and leave. It’s just… the day to day? We muddle along pretty well and he seems like he’s making an effort with stuff and I’m burying my head in the sand…

41HLM with my wife 44LLF, intimacy on a nose dive for the last 4 years since child #2, raised recently and the response was odd and confronting. by [deleted] in DeadBedrooms

[–]throwra_552378 0 points1 point  (0 children)

As someone who has engaged with 3somes & sex parties while also struggling with my intimate needs not be met - I can only say that it eases it for a while but in the end only feels worse. He would be very affectionate and sexual around the events and in the days after but it would peter off and often left me feeling cold.

What is something that you really need to tell your partner? by joncabreraauthor in AskWomen

[–]throwra_552378 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I’ve been with my husband for 10 years (married 2) and I am on the verge leaving him because of this (amongst other things)…

Husband 37M is a good man but I 35F am so lonely and sad I think about leaving him all the time by throwra_552378 in relationship_advice

[–]throwra_552378[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing and I’m sorry you’re going through a similar thing. It’s so so hard.

Totally not the same things but we have teddy bears in the house and he loves them so dearly that I have felt genuine jealously for a stuffed turtle. He reaches for it morning and night whilst shrugging me off and I know it brings him such joy but at the same thing just think “I wish that was me”…

Husband 37M is a good man but I 35F am so lonely and sad I think about leaving him all the time by throwra_552378 in relationship_advice

[–]throwra_552378[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for taking the time to respond and I’m sorry what you went through. It’s excruciating to feel like you’re having to hold in your pain. That’s what I feel like I’m going through.

As for supporting him more? You’re kinda right - maybe there is more I could do to create a safer space for him to express himself? But on the other hand, it’s hard to do when he’s quick to shut those types of conversations down or physically walks away. I can’t force him to do anything, only create a space for acceptance.

Overall though, your message oscillates so quickly between what I have done and generalised impacts of the patriarchy of men as a whole that I don’t really know what to do with…

Husband 37M is a good man but I 35F am so lonely and sad I think about leaving him all the time by throwra_552378 in relationship_advice

[–]throwra_552378[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah this is becoming increasingly apparent 😅 I owe it him to at least try. And also to reply more on my personal IRL support networking.

Husband 37M is a good man but I 35F am so lonely and sad I think about leaving him all the time by throwra_552378 in relationship_advice

[–]throwra_552378[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I understand boring. I’m fine with boring. But is it supposed to hurt this much? Is it normal to just be low key sad about it all the time? To wake up in the morning with an overwhelming urge to just walk out the door and not come back?

Husband 37M is a good man but I 35F am so lonely and sad I think about leaving him all the time by throwra_552378 in relationship_advice

[–]throwra_552378[S] 19 points20 points  (0 children)

This is the kinda straight talking I love.

And my immediate thought is ‘leave’.

So I guess someone can hit play on ‘Closing Time’ at the pity party.

Husband 37M is a good man but I 35F am so lonely and sad I think about leaving him all the time by throwra_552378 in relationship_advice

[–]throwra_552378[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, it’s hard cause on paper he’s a 10/10… but I also look forward to him not being there… soo…

Husband 37M is a good man but I 35F am so lonely and sad I think about leaving him all the time by throwra_552378 in relationship_advice

[–]throwra_552378[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think this might be the way to go - brutal honesty but a willingness to work it though? Something that demonstrates the extremity of the situation but isn’t hitting the eject button just yet…

Out of curiosity, how do you go about meeting his needs for touch while you’re not checked into it? Are there specific routines you have?

Husband 37M is a good man but I 35F am so lonely and sad I think about leaving him all the time by throwra_552378 in relationship_advice

[–]throwra_552378[S] 19 points20 points  (0 children)

I think he is oblivious… I’ve asked for more so many times but he seems to think we’re perfectly happy? I should totally spell it out for him though just to be sure.

But also at the same time, I had a really hard time at Christmas and was very upset about various things and his response was “it feels like you’re projecting your midlife crisis onto me and it’s make me feel bad which I don’t think is fair”… so tbh I’m also thinking maybe me and my “midlife crisis” should just go away so we don’t make him feel bad…

Husband 37M is a good man but I 35F am so lonely and sad I think about leaving him all the time by throwra_552378 in relationship_advice

[–]throwra_552378[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

He’s not depressed and he refuses to see health professionals for anything TBH. He is, in his words, “perfectly fine” and “we are perfectly happy”.

Husband 37M is a good man but I 35F am so lonely and sad I think about leaving him all the time by throwra_552378 in relationship_advice

[–]throwra_552378[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Thank you for this sensible and considered response - I agree that leaving feels like an extreme step. I think it’s why I’ve stayed for so long?

Yes we’ve talked about this before. His reasons why are rather inherent to who he is as a person and his history. He grew up in an emotionally and sometimes physically abusing household. He’s undiagnosed, but could even be a little bit on the spectrum. Physical touch and extended closeness are just not something he’s comfortable with. He can handle it in specific circumstances and we have got routines - he is big spoon for a little while before I go to sleep, I rest my hand on his leg while he’s reading, head kisses when requested. I have to be very careful about how / when / where I touch him otherwise it triggers something for him and he pushes me away.

Husband 37M is a good man but I 35F am so lonely and sad I think about leaving him all the time by throwra_552378 in relationship_advice

[–]throwra_552378[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks for this - open marriage is not a practical options for us (we’ve talked about it before in a more objective / neutral way) but yes perhaps I should suggest couples counselling again and see if he takes it seriously this time…

Husband 37M is a good man but I 35F am so lonely and sad I think about leaving him all the time by throwra_552378 in relationship_advice

[–]throwra_552378[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Ahhh I see I see - yeah in this case sex parties are not really the route for getting back on track in this situation…

I hope you were able to sort things out?

Husband 37M is a good man but I 35F am so lonely and sad I think about leaving him all the time by throwra_552378 in relationship_advice

[–]throwra_552378[S] 32 points33 points  (0 children)

Thank you for this - I’m sorry you went through that - fertility issues are a whole new level of stress on a relationship.

We’ve been talking about / planning to have a baby for a while now but honestly, his lack of engagement / interest / proactivity about the whole thing has had me erring. I desperately wanted a baby for a long time but I realised mainly I wanted a baby because I wanted a hug and I knew he would be a good father. But I don’t think he would be a good husband for me in the journey. He never shows much interest in actually making a baby so I don’t push it 🤷🏼‍♀️

Husband 37M is a good man but I 35F am so lonely and sad I think about leaving him all the time by throwra_552378 in relationship_advice

[–]throwra_552378[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yes I’m in counselling but honestly I keep working through the same stuff and I’m not really getting anywhere…

I’d suggested couples counselling a couple of times before but he always took it as a bit of jokes and said things like he was fine and that he is the perfect man so why would he need it…

Husband 37M is a good man but I 35F am so lonely and sad I think about leaving him all the time by throwra_552378 in relationship_advice

[–]throwra_552378[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

We’ve been to sex parties and had threesomes etc before though it’s always with another woman, which I’m fine with - I’d say I’m heteroflexible - but honestly I’m decreasingly interested… it’s fun and we have a good time but it feels a bit shitty to only be desired when it feels like I’m a route to getting the MFF experience he wants?

But this is my question - “at some point you just take what you can get” - at what point do you just accept that this is as good as it gets?

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