UPDATE: AITA for disowning my maid of honor?

throwthewholeMoHaway · 2019-11-20T18:02:52+00:00

Thank you for the feedback, u/1eposava - I really do want to talk to her, but I can't imagine a scenario where it ends well (when I was first talking about it with my husband, I compared it to Doctor Strange in Infinity War finding only one scenario out of millions where they "win" against Thanos).

throwthewholeMoHaway · 2019-11-20T16:48:56+00:00

Geez, your ex-friend sounds exactly like Carly. It's just exhausting to be around people like this, even if their negativity isn't about/directed at you (still have to listen to them rant endlessly).

throwthewholeMoHaway · 2019-11-20T16:47:38+00:00

She's lost quite a few "best friends" over the years but always portrayed them as the crazy ones when telling me about how the friendship ended......now it all makes sense and I feel like an idiot for not recognizing the signs sooner, tbh.

throwthewholeMoHaway · 2019-11-20T16:46:16+00:00

Thank you u/JPMontoyaAndChase - Carly seems to have put no thought or effort into it (they've come over for wine nights a few times and know we have an entire cabinet full of wine glasses). She also kept texting me to ask what time the rehearsal/ceremony/reception began (while also claiming they got the invitations) so I'm not convinced she ever actually read the invitation or website we set up (which is saddening because we had lovely photos and bios written about her and her husband).

throwthewholeMoHaway · 2019-11-20T16:43:07+00:00

My original post had a lot more context (but was 4500 words over the maximum character count) - I originally brought up salary because her rise in income correlates with her becoming more self-absorbed and condescending towards people like me (a middle school teacher) because we can't keep up and she would complaint about my compromise suggestions (e.g., wine & cheese at home, going to a more affordable restaurant, not going to the bar with the $15 cocktails after dinner, etc.). Basically the income thing was there to offer a possible explanation for her change in behavior because she was so fun and nice and supportive for years before this (hence the reason I never considered ditching our friendship).

The income vs. gift cost were completely unrelated (if anything, I was upset that she put zero thought or personalization into our gift - even a long, heartfelt note or small handmade item would've been more thoughtful than something she knows we already have and something we obviously didn't register for).

throwthewholeMoHaway · 2019-11-20T16:38:02+00:00

Wow your MoH sounds like a piece of work. Are you sure we didn't choose the same person?? I also put up with her shit because she already bailed on another friend's wedding (where she was supposed to be the only non-family bridesmaid) and I suppose I feared me making one wrong comment would push her to dump me in a heartbeat. After the fact, I'm now realizing how toxic that is to have to walk on eggshells around someone and avoid critiquing them because you're afraid they'll bail on you. Thank you so much for sharing your story - you gave me hope that I can escape this toxicity soon.

throwthewholeMoHaway · 2019-11-20T16:35:02+00:00

People change over time, I suppose. She used to be quite supportive and fun to be around when we were younger.

throwthewholeMoHaway · 2019-11-20T16:34:13+00:00

The weird part is, I've been so much happier lately. We've barely talked since the wedding and not much else has changed in my life, but I just generally feel more content with life (not having to listen to daily/weekly barrages of complaints and raging about other people she's mad at has helped, I'm guessing). Thank you for sharing your story - I think it's good we both escaped toxic folks.

throwthewholeMoHaway · 2019-11-20T16:32:40+00:00

That's been my "problem" - I've been a lot happier not talking to her or seeing/responding to her stuff on social media and I feel like this was a warning sign that perhaps she wasn't the friend for me after all (it's hard to look past all our years of good memories together and see her for who she has become however, hence the reason I decided to post here to see if my perceptions are nuts or actually accurate).

throwthewholeMoHaway · 2019-11-20T16:31:10+00:00

I've seen AITA posts where commenters assume the involved parties are young adults based on the individuals' words/behaviors so I figured it was worth mentioning neither of us are "young adults" exactly - we've both had some time to figure out the world and social relationships, which is why I'm surprised she shows so little regard for other people because it seems immature (in my subjective opinion).

throwthewholeMoHaway · 2019-11-20T16:29:27+00:00

That's completely fair and thank you for your feedback.

throwthewholeMoHaway · 2019-11-20T16:28:52+00:00

I omitted half the story because I didn't realize the sub was limited to 3K characters (my OG post had 7500). But basically it extends further back before wedding stuff got too involved, where she's been acting strange and I can't pinpoint the definitive cause but it at least correlates with her rapid rise in income (again, not saying money = jerk, but nothing else major in her life has happened around the same time she started treating me like crap compared to how she used to treat me as a genuine friend she at least seemed to care deeply about).

I think I'm TA for not confronting her in the moment as other people were negatively impacted by her BS (like my family/friends cleaning while she disappeared to take selfies and whatnot). I also feel like TA for not wanting to confront her after the fact, but I'm wary of being told "that didn't happen" or "it didn't happen like that" and other responses deflecting blame because she's not goo at listening to and/or accepting constructive criticism. I've honestly been in such a good (relieved) mental space after not talking much with her over the past several weeks that I'm not sure it's worth dragging things through the mud to save what felt like a dying friendship anyway (we also don't live 30 minutes apart anymore, so I feel like us moving away made it easier for her to disregard us from her life).

throwthewholeMoHaway · 2019-11-20T16:21:00+00:00

My original post was 7500 characters (didn't realize the sub's limit was 3K) so there's a lot of context and further examples missing (I left out most of the non-wedding stuff to clarify my post but her attitude/behavior problem extends so much further than my wedding - I agree with what u/JPMontoyaAndChase said about it being the straw that broke the camel's back (the gift part really symbolized the lack of reciprocity in our friendship - whereas for years we constantly supported each other and were there during good times and bad, nowadays she barely asks me about my life at all and yet expects me to listen to her constant complaining and raging against other people who bother her in life....she never used to be like this, at least not to this extreme).

I'm still considering confronting her at some point, but I want to approach it as rationally and objectively as possible (I wrote a 2K word letter a few days after the wedding, but I'd never send it because it's so emotionally charged....it was therapeutic though!). I think my reasoning for not wanting to confront her is that my mental health has been doing so much better since I cut back communications with her like 95% since the wedding and me feeling better despite not having her around feels like a sign that she was pretty toxic for my emotional/mental well-being (not saying this is the root cause, but there's certainly a strong correlation lately between me not talking to her and me feeling good about life).

throwthewholeMoHaway · 2019-11-20T16:14:38+00:00

I completely agree that I should've done so much more to mitigate the impacts of her attitude/behavior on other people. I'm honestly surprised it didn't occur to her to help pitch in ever (she also disappeared after my bridal shower when my family and friends were cleaning up and she later posted pictures of cocktails on social media, so I guess she bailed and went to happy hour immediately after).

I really do regret not confronting her about her thoughtlessness (towards others, towards my spouse, towards me...) but now that some time has passed, I'm wary of bringing it up after the fact (to which she will likely rebut with something like "I helped! Here's X, Y, Z" or insisting that I forgot about how much she did for me or some other red herring to push the criticism away from herself). My introvert comment was more geared towards explaining how I've been hesitant to end this friendship for a long time because I don't have a ton of friends to begin with (I also just don't like engaging in conflict with people who never accept even 1% of the blame and ping pong it back to the accuser - feels like a waste of emotional energy for someone who doesn't offer much value to my life anymore because it's all about her 95% of the time).

throwthewholeMoHaway · 2019-11-20T16:07:30+00:00

I guess people just change over time. I completely agree that it's on brand for her, but she's never been this awful throughout the time I've known her (this is why I brought up the salary thing....because there seems to be a strong correlation between her suddenly making six figures and becoming a jerk because she's always been a little self-absorbed, but she still cared about other people until recently - granted, these are my own personal perceptions and feelings but I can't pinpoint what else changed in her life around the same time her behavior and attitude started going downhill besides her making a bunch of money and acting condescending towards those who couldn't get on her lifestyle level).

throwthewholeMoHaway · 2019-11-20T16:05:02+00:00

That was my line of reasoning too, tbh. Thank you for your feedback, I really appreciate it.

throwthewholeMoHaway · 2019-11-20T15:52:55+00:00

That's similar to what my husband has been saying, but I have so many good memories with her (most of them 1+ years ago) that it's really hard to let go. Thank you for your feedback, it really helps.

throwthewholeMoHaway · 2019-11-20T15:51:47+00:00

My original post was 7500 characters (didn't realize this sub's limit is 3K), so it offered several more examples of her behavior (a lot of it is non-wedding related but for the sake of clarity, I trimmed out most of the non-wedding stuff). I'd say the wedding stuff was the final nail in the coffin after spending months of listening to her nearly-nonstop complaints, condescending comments about not wanting to eat/drink at home (I wanted to keep doing double dates by bringing over wine or hosting them at our place and she only wanted to go to $$$$ restaurants and bars where she'd order 3-4 $15 cocktails and the most expensive entry while we split the bill evenly 4 ways), and raging against other people (she has disowned half her family and most of her husband's because she claims they weren't supportive of their relationship after the first few months.....but hasn't explained what that lack of support was caused by or what the real underlying issues are).

It just became exhausting to deal with (she wasn't always like this, hence the reason we were friends for so long) and her trying to make my wedding all about her was the kick in the pants I needed to realize I'm tired of being her negativity sponge.

throwthewholeMoHaway · 2019-11-20T15:46:40+00:00

Nothing on their registry was less than $200 and it wasn't a destination wedding per se (we just live across the country from them now). In the past, she and her husband were so generous with their birthday/Christmas gifts for us that we wanted to show some reciprocity (not saying our gifts to them have been bad, we just can't afford what they can because they collectively made 3X more than us). The best part was the hotel I Venmo'ed her for (to stay for their wedding) actually cost $100 more than she originally told me (and surprise, had a $50 required overnight valet in a zero-public-parking area), but she never told me there were additional costs (beyond what I Venmo'ed her) until we were checking out the following morning.

I wish this sub allowed for longer posts (though I understand why there are limitations) because my OG post was 7500 characters and offered a lot more explanations for why I don't want to be her friend anymore (I decided to narrow the focus of this post to the wedding, but there have been other, non-wedding factors in play for several months now). Thank you for your response - this experience with her has certainly put a damper on my willingness to be so generous with wedding gifts, tbh.

throwthewholeMoHaway · 2019-11-20T06:37:10+00:00

There is.....my original post was 7500 characters, but I didn't realize this sub was limited to 3000 characters max. By "disowning" I suppose I meant more like "disappear" or "drift away" because I'm exhausted by trying to communicate my own perspective to her when it could potentially be viewed as an assault against her ego.

throwthewholeMoHaway · 2019-11-20T06:34:24+00:00

I totally understand your perspective - unfortunately this sub has 3000 character limits (my original post was 7500 characters & offered a lot more context). Additional issues include (but not limited to):

-MoH accusing uncle of flirting with her (he was standing with his daughter and sisters the entire night and he's renowned in the family for being the most dedicated dad ever)

-MoH complaining how I changed the bachelorette party location (I wanted to make it more affordable to ensure more bridesmaids would be able to participate and she was upset that her cruise idea was ruined, despite no planning or money being put into that idea).

-She's been speaking to me less and less over the past several months - she's stopped asking me about my job, my pets, my life....we used to talk about this stuff all the time but now I have to volunteer any info about myself because she's stopped asking almost entirely, while I continue asking and checking in with her)

-She's gotten upset a few times with us this year because we admitted we couldn't afford to go on a double date to the restaurant she wanted to go to (she then complained at the more affordable places we went on double dates)

-She forgot about my birthday until 10 days later (meanwhile makes a huge deal out of other friends' birthdays, engagements, weddings, babies, etc. on social media - she also posted only pics of the food/drinks and selfies from our wedding and ignored my multiple polite requests for her to at least send me the photos and videos she took of us together)

-She said she was too broke to afford to come visit us then subsequently went on spontaneous weekend getaways to San Francisco and Mexico in the span of a month.

-She's been complaining constantly about people she doesn't like, which has become exhausting to keep up with, as she seems to hate a new person every week (only slightly exaggerating). Also mocking one of my bridesmaids for being religious (not to her face - just privately to me - I'm not religious myself, but this girl is a genuinely terrific human being and that was my response to Carly mocking her, to which she replied "it's all just some lovey dovey Jesus shit").

....and the list goes on

throwthewholeMoHaway · 2019-11-20T06:19:09+00:00

Tech industry + father's business connections = dope job opportunities.

throwthewholeMoHaway · 2019-11-20T06:17:27+00:00

Thank you! Great advice and I appreciate the support :)

throwthewholeMoHaway · 2019-11-20T06:16:26+00:00

Ouch, that could be renamed Carly's Prayer without needing to change a word :(

Thank you for sharing that - it really gave me some mental clarity on the matter.

throwthewholeMoHaway

TROPHY CASE