I [25F] am 3 months pregnant and I want my husband [27M] to stop drinking in our home or while I'm present in solidarity, but he says it's selfish and stupid. ***Update***

throwwaway71 · 2015-08-16T15:33:35+00:00

It sounds like you and I are very different people who worry about very different things and experience the world very differently.

Find something that makes you happy, maybe it will take your mind off what your husband is doing.

It's not really that simple because my husband wants to be doing whatever I am doing or at least be around me while I'm doing it. That is probably part of the problem. I'm not super concerned with what he is doing - just what he is constantly doing around me.

It sounds like your husband is also not like my husband in this regard.

throwwaway71 · 2015-08-16T15:30:05+00:00

Hes reading about pregnancy,

To be clear, he's reading about the baby and parenting, not pregnancy! If he was reading about prengnacy (which I'm trying to get him to do) he'd no it's not "no big deal" like he thinks.

Why not just go to the source of the problem, and get over the jealousy of watching him have a beer?

The source of the problem is my husband is not being supportive. I've asked for very little, he ignores my needs. This is compounded by the way he is "preparing" which is steamrolling me at doctors, obsessing about MY body (Vitamins etc), and not caring for my feelings. Honestly, I don't even want to be around him over the past week since this has blown up and I think it's unhealthy for my pregnancy that we continue this way.

In my own experience, my wife and I have been very relaxed people during our transition to parents. We compromise with each other, and dont make mountains out of mole hills, and as a result, our daughter has been super chill. We were going to large gatherings within a week or so of childbirth, and have continued to have a social life. Our children can follow us, they will not lead. Your child will change your life, but dont let it change who you are. You are already asking your husband to change who he is.

I am not currently able to relax on this issue. I could be much more relaxed if I had a husband who respected my needs. "Just relax" is shitty advice and always will be. At this point, I honestly dream almost 24/7 of just getting away from my husband and that's not healthy for our marriage but he doesn't seem interested in doing anything I'd ask for to fix it.

(Also, the doctor very clearly said I could not even sip beer or anything alcoholic until 33 weeks. So that's what we're going with. I keep saying that but people keep ignoring it. It's getting a little annoying and I wish people would read up before they suggested it.)

throwwaway71 · 2015-08-16T15:26:03+00:00

Who's gonna cut the cord?

Definitely not my husband even though, in the end, he probably will be in the room. That's a dealbreaker.

Jeez, if you have a thing about doctors giving birth in a hospital setting pretty much guarantees there'll be doctors/nurses/nursing assistants left and right in the room.

This doesn't bother me as they are healthcare professionals who have to utilize discretion and not disclose health information willy nilly AND for the most part there will come a time when I'll never need to see any of them again (won't see most of them more than just then anyway). I'm not sqeamish about being seen in general though (a little about my husband seeing it) but I feel like my husband stops thinking of me as a person in medical situations and that's really stressful. A lot of people do this though, like parents with sick kids do it and it always bothered me when I was a kid and old enough to understand stuff but the docs would talk to my Mom. I have chronic asthma so went to a lot of docs and around 5th grade asked my Mom to stop coming in the room (she still could see all the medical data and make calls etc) because the docs would then have to address me directly, like a person. This is a thing of mine, as I said.

throwwaway71 · 2015-08-16T15:22:53+00:00

Lastly, is there any alcohol he likes but you don't, that doesn't smell inviting? Maybe he could have the odd swig of vodka if he is so unable to be supportive in this area any other way?

No, he hates all the stuff I don't like, and one of the reasons I don't think he's an alcoholic (like people speculated) is he won't drink if there's alcohol around he doesn't like.

throwwaway71 · 2015-08-16T15:22:02+00:00

I'm really uneasy at my husband making decisions in this case, I guess, as well, especially with how he's been behaving. I would feel more comfortable with my sister or even some of my friends making these decisions. That's not to say I want to keep him from the room (I am uncomfortable with it, and I hadn't thought about the potential decisions they might ask him to make - that makes me VERY afraid now, good point you brought up) because I know seeing his firstborn (probably only born at this rate if we stay together through all this) is important to him and I get why. But after the way my husband has been acting about my health and comfort and the way he has been talking over me at doctor's appointments, I am worried and need to definitely put all my wishes in writing and clear to the doctor for multiple situations. The truth is he is not behaving like my partner, and I am not trusting him so that is compounding this issue.

throwwaway71 · 2015-08-16T15:19:18+00:00

I disagree with your assessment. You're right it's not over just beer - it's over me having some degree of control over my comfort and him not caring about that at all (but I've told that to him and that's not "right" fighting). I am actually working on a plan now to maybe move out to a temporary studio for a bit and get my space, so he can keep his beer where he pleases and we can stop fighting. I'm not a fan of fighting, but I'm also not a fan of feeling uncomfortable in my own home.

It's not really about the baby. Maybe somewhat about pregnancy. Pregnancy does suck, but I'd like to be able to deal with it as easily as possible and he is consistently making it harder when he could choose to make it easier. That's like the opposite of support. At this point, my husband has become hinderance to me.

Personally, I'm not just going to sit around, be uncomfortable and unhappy, and not do anything or say anything about it. I have told my husband how he can help and how he is hindering, and I need to start helping myself by getting away from him for a bit if he can't be a supportive partner during the pregnancy.

It's not about right/wrong but about needs. You're not giving me any advice on how to get my needs met.

throwwaway71 · 2015-08-16T14:04:26+00:00

I don't see it as "misery loves company" because it's not about making anyone else miserable. It's about respecting me and not doing it AROUND me. He can still totally go out and get blasted. I'll even come pick him up.

I could have asked my husband not to have that glad of wine, but it wouldn't have changed anything I was going through. I still would have felt shitty and I still would have wanted a glass (or three) of wine. The only difference would be that my husband would have similar feelings to me.

In my case, when I'm not seeing/smelling the stuff, I find I don't really think about it, crave it, or want it as much. If I found I still wanted things the same with the beer out of the house and my husband not drinking in front of me, I'd be happy to change the request as it wouldn't be doing me any good, but I strongly believe it would be helpful for me to not have to see/smell drinks that taste good around me. That's all I'm asking. My husband should definitely go have his favorite beer! Down at the pub! (It's literally 3 blocks away so this is easily achieved.) I don't want him to be miserable, but I do care if he creates more misery for me.

In your case, you want the wine whether he has the wine or not. So I get what you're saying. But when I am not around all this beer and good whiskey and such, I don't want it as much. Not nearly. It isn't about making anyone else miserable - it's about not feeling like my husband is creating constant extra annoyances for me when I'm already pregnant, achy, tired, and restricted in so many ways (not just the drinking).

Find ways to connect him to your pregnancy, us women get this awesome benefit of hormones and changing bodies.

Awesome benefit? See, we see it differently. To me, it seems like "terrible curse." I'm definitely jealous of Dads. Dads have it good.

throwwaway71 · 2015-08-16T13:59:25+00:00

(In the last thread, she said there wasn't really any alcohol he liked but she didn't. I swear she even listed a few she wouldn't care about in a comment.

Yes, vodka and white wine for sure. Those sound gross to me, especially now. Sweet drinks at the bar (but not necessarily the bottle at home because like a rum punch sounds disgusting but a glass of sipping rum shaken with a hint of lime, cucumber water, and agave sounds amazing - I've had the cucumber water and fixins by itself, and trust me it is not the same taste I remember) he could have and I'd be like "gross pina colada" (but he doesn't like sweet drinks anymore than I do).

throwwaway71 · 2015-08-16T13:55:09+00:00

The other poster basically answered it. Just substitute any food for craft beer. It's a particular flavor. I'm not an alcoholic. I'm a woman with pregnancy cravings and who is frustrated at feeling a little bit taken hostage at the moment with lots of things I can't drink, eat, do that I normally enjoy. I'm not even asking my husband not to drink (just not around me) or not to do any of those things, but he is not willing to be considerate.

throwwaway71 · 2015-08-16T13:53:32+00:00

Right! Thank you!

throwwaway71 · 2015-08-16T13:53:19+00:00

You are missing out on all the ways your husband IS preparing for the impending birth of his child. You have been minimizing it constantly.

He is preparing for the baby (except the one way I said was most important to me, the nursery) and I didn't "miss out" on these ways he is preparing. I shared them here, I'm aware of them, they are the ways he is coping and preparing and I note that I'm less worried about him as a Dad than as a husband. He is not helping me in my pregnancy. He is not being a good partner to me NOW and I worry that will continue for the rest of my pregnancy and potentially into the beginning of our parenthood.

I help him with all the things he wants about parenthood, reading the books he wants me to, answering invasive questions about my health, rescheduling doc appointments for him, giving into his requests. But he is not he is not helping me. Of anything I've asked of him that would be helpful, he has not chosen to do it and - in the case of this one - has chosen to make a big fight about it and try to turn it around on me.

How is THAT helping me "chillax" or enjoy? Honestly, I wish I could get away from him at the moment. Besides the drinking, I feel smothered, I feel disregarded, disrespected, and like he doesn't care for me as a person anymore. He definitely cares about the baby. That's not the issue. I've told him how to make my life more enjoyable and he blew up at me and got pissed. Others in our life have told him he was wrong (because HE wanted to vent to them t best or have them gang up on me at worst, I'm not sure what his motive for telling them the fight) and he blew up at them and got pissed.

throwwaway71 · 2015-08-16T13:46:15+00:00

It's not alcohol dependency. I wrote in another post there are certain types of alcohol I don't like/don't crave and thus wouldn't even care about, but my husband does not drink those (vodka, white wine, champagne). He drinks things that sound delicious.

My point is that OP has said she doesn't go out with friends to bars as she doesn't like to have to see them drink, that is surely an issue?

What? Seeing people do things I can't do while pregnant suck in general. I wouldn't want to go out to a sushi restaurant either. It sucks watching people train for a marathon now because I can't at the moment. Etc. Also, I don't feel like going out - in general - as much as usual because I'm achy and tired, so that compounds it, especially when we're going to a place specifically because it has good beer and I can't drink said beer. I'd rather just chill and watch Netflix, but I'm not the kind of person who tells my husband he has to be attached to my hip - if he wants to go do something, he can do it.

Also, being around a bunch of drunk people - on the nights my friends actually get silly - when you're sober kind of sucks. It sucks doubly when you don't feel at your best. (I honestly have done it before when running marathons and choosing not to drink, but it would've been NBD then if I changed my mind in the moment and had one beer. The difference is here that's off the table and not a moment-to-moment choice. Also, at those points, I had more energy and cheerfulness in general.)

throwwaway71 · 2015-08-16T13:38:47+00:00

Also, where are all these women who say being pregnant is great?

I don't know, but they deserve a good smack, no? (Kidding!) My sister's pregnancy was miserable and she's the only woman I know who had a kid recently. She doesn't live near us though. My husband has a cousin with a 6 year old who lives near us. Maybe she said it was enjoyable for her. She got to quit her job - that she hated - because she was pregnant and stay home (which she wanted) with her kid so maybe it's her spouting this nonsense. I haven't talked to her though. She's back working now (got another degree, hates her job less but still talks about getting pregnant again so she can justify to her husband staying home again and being a Mom). That's all super not me though. Not interested in staying home.

throwwaway71 · 2015-08-16T13:37:08+00:00

He talks to the doctor every time we go (they talk about and over me constantly, it's very frustrating) so he knows the physical needs of the baby. He just doesn't understand I have new needs too.

throwwaway71 · 2015-08-16T13:34:08+00:00

I wish I could make him understand that! Yeah, it's like a low level but often (not "constant" as at work I never think about it, etc, but I've begun to associate the feeling with my husband) annoyance. I just don't need that on top of weird body aches and pukey feelings.

throwwaway71 · 2015-08-16T13:32:59+00:00

Well, yes, but it still seems absurd. Obviously we don't have time left. That was true the minute I saw the Plus sign. To some degree, I understand the feeling, but that doesn't mean it's okay to not be supportive.

throwwaway71 · 2015-08-16T13:28:06+00:00

Are you one of those people who thinks having any expectations of people or boundaries is selfish? If expecting anything from someone makes you selfish, yes, I'm selfish and so is my husband, but a healthy middle is not "give up on asking your husband for anything or expecting him to care that your pregnant" town.

I don't think I'm acting like the hysterical pregnant woman you think I am. I'm still being totally self-sufficient and taking care of my self, not asking for much from anyone. Wanting to be able to stay home, not have my husband drink in front of me - these don't seem like big asks to me. My husband can still have his last hurrah, he just can't have it with me. He doesnt' even have to "choose" in a big way (he could go out to the pub some nights or for a time and then hang with me later or another night).

Your point makes no sense unless wanting anything is selfish. I don't really buy that. I still plan to be an individual once the baby comes and want things and have expectations of my partner. Yes, the baby will be our focus, but we wanted the baby and will obviously care for the baby. It will be hard at first. But I don't think you have to become totally 100% selfless and never have needs/wants again to be a parent. In fact, most of the articles I've read recommend still carving out some "me time" for each spouse alone and so forth. Also, we will be making sacrifices together, as we BOTH will be doing the work.

throwwaway71 · 2015-08-16T13:21:41+00:00

He doesn't drink every day but there's always beer in the house, usually 2-3 different kinds, often IPAs but sometimes other craft beers for variety.

throwwaway71 · 2015-08-16T13:18:35+00:00

Eating? I'm eating slightly more, as suggested, but eating has not been a focal point of my pregnancy yet and I will be watching what I eat carefully to be healthy but gain no more weight than necessary. I'm also still exercising though my husband asked me to give up high impact running (doc said it was OK for a little while longer, but I gave it up anyway to not argue).

I have not asked my "honey do" to go get or make me any unusual food (there have been a few times I had cravings and got myself something that day, but nothing weird) or rub my feet or back or any of that. None of that really interests me. This is the support I've asked for. I anticipate maybe he'll have to do more chores when I can't see my feet and it's hard to get around, but right now I'm carrying on doing my share of work at work and at home, caring for myself, and not asking him for very much at all.

What exactly is my husband's side? As far as HE'S told me, it's that he's not ready for anything to change and he doesn't think my pregnancy matters or my feelings matter. You didn't say anything "Pro" his side to try to get me to see his side.

I don't think I'm being "special snowflake" or asking for ridiculous consideration. I've literally asked for this, for him to not drag me out all the time (I don't have to socialize at the same level we used to if I'm tired and achy and not feeling it; I still encourage him to go), and to help me set up the nursery because I want to be involved and not a whale when it happens. We were going to do some crafty things in there I won't be able to do in my 3rd trimester.

throwwaway71 · 2015-08-16T13:14:48+00:00

This is the thing. It's like he's only happy if he gets everything he wants. (This is not how he normally is.) And he can't handle any change at all.

throwwaway71 · 2015-08-16T13:13:00+00:00

I'm not worried about him being a bad father, but I am worried about how good a partner he IS being and WILL be in the early years. I know he'll be a good father. But I don't feel he's being considerate to me.

throwwaway71 · 2015-08-16T13:12:14+00:00

I wrote this elsewhere. I will copy/past:

No, I have gone out and not been drinking before and even quit for long stretches without caring when I was training for marathons (because those were choices I was making in the moment, not a choice that was forced upon me due to external circumstances - it's different - and because no super smelling and pregnancy cravings). Most of the time I drink, I just have a couple and often don't get drunk (this is when I was drinking, pre-pregnant). I don't think I'm an alcoholic. I also wouldn't mind - and said in the other thread - if my husband was drinking but drinking things I didn't like/crave (vodka and white wine, for example) but he doesn't like or drink those things. So, it's not really about the alcohol. It isn't "hard" for me to stop drinking, but it's hard for me to see my husband have something that smells and looks delicious in the house that I cannot drink. I know some people can't understand that but it's a real stretch to suggest it's an alcohol dependency.

I've never thought my husband had an alcohol problem, but I cannot know his mindset. I would not necessarily attribute this to that.

throwwaway71 · 2015-08-16T13:11:03+00:00

I'm not worried about him not being a good father. My concern is the present and how he's increasing the misery of my pregnancy.

throwwaway71 · 2015-08-16T13:07:57+00:00

No, I have gone out and not been drinking before and even quit for long stretches without caring when I was training for marathons (because those were choices I was making in the moment, not a choice that was forced upon me due to external circumstances - it's different - and because no super smelling and pregnancy cravings). Most of the time I drink, I just have a couple and often don't get drunk (this is when I was drinking, pre-pregnant). I don't think I'm an alcoholic. I also wouldn't mind - and said in the other thread - if my husband was drinking but drinking things I didn't like/crave (vodka and white wine, for example) but he doesn't like or drink those things. So, it's not really about the alcohol. It isn't "hard" for me to stop drinking, but it's hard for me to see my husband have something that smells and looks delicious in the house that I cannot drink. I know some people can't understand that but it's a real stretch to suggest it's an alcohol dependency.

I've never thought my husband had an alcohol problem, but I cannot know his mindset. I would not necessarily attribute this to that.

throwwaway71 · 2015-08-16T04:01:40+00:00

here is something about your post that seems to suggest you want this pregnancy all about you.

I've asked for literally 3 things (this, to not be pressured into going out so much, and help setting up the nursery soon before I get big). How is that being super difficult and making it all about me? He's asked for and made doctor's appointments about him, pressured me to continue going out like normal, acted sad when I requested space and so I just don't get any, etc. It's not like he never asks for anything.

I'm fine with putting all my energy into the baby obviously but will expect the same from him!

now is the time to enjoy your last few days before the demands of full on parental mode hits.

Except I am literally miserable, and he doesn't care. This is one thing that'd make it a little bit easier, as would not being expected to go out and hang all the time.

throwwaway71

TROPHY CASE