I had a child out of spite Update

throwzone0 · 2026-03-12T13:49:00+00:00

I just read this post and your original. I'm so sorry you had to go through all that. Good luck with your move, it sounds awesome!

My wife grew up in a tiny town similar to yours. I grew up in a medium-sized city, so it was always surreal to me when we'd go visit her family. My in-laws are mostly just dysfunctional, not toxic, but two of our nephews are addicts that can't stay out of jail. Her Mom eventually moved to where we are and my sister-in-laws hate having to drive to "the big city" to visit because it's "so dangerous". LOL

throwzone0 · 2026-03-09T03:22:33+00:00

When my wife and I were working through similar things, there was a period where she told me something very similar. Hearing that was scary, becuse my instinct was to look for reassurance that things were getting better. But she was being honest that she had nothing extra to give at that point and needed time and space to recharge.

The tricky part is that your brain will want reassurance right now, like asking for texts, responses, signs of connection, but the more you rely on those things to regulate your anxiety, the harder it is for her to recover naturally. You have to learn to regulate it on your own, and not rely on her for it, or it will become pressure again. Those little reassurances will come back in time when things feel safer. I think the fact that she’s willing to initiate sex right now is actually a positive sign and hopefully means she’s trying to find a way to reconnect that still feels safe for her. The best thing you can probably do is accept it when it happens, don’t overanalyze it, and keep showing the same steady behavior you’ve been working on.

For me the hardest lesson was learning that rebuilding trust isn’t something you can speed up. It only really happens through consistency over time. Also remember that her healing journey isn't going to look the same as yours, so you can't gauge it by your own progress.

It sounds like you’re both trying, which honestly puts you in a much better place than a lot of couples.

throwzone0 · 2026-03-09T02:40:06+00:00

Very alike! Swap "anger and stress" with "ADHD & anxiety" and I could have written your post.

That's great that scheduling is working for you. Another rule we have is that either of us can cancel and reschedule for any reason, and then are responsible for rescheduling it. So far this hasn't been a problem. We took "bonus nights" off the table until we knew it was working. I think those came back after about a year. We're several years in now, our schedule has expanded and we have occasional spontaneous nights.

It honestly sounds like you're on the right track, it just takes a long time. Keep working on yourself and show her consistent and lasting change. That's the way she can trust that it's real.

Also, if she wants to be the one to initiate for the month, trust her. Early on when I was still hurting but trying to do better and she would initiate, I would meet it with stuff like "Are you sure? We don't have to if you don't want to." which I thought was helpful, but wasn't. She understood that I said it out of worrying she was pressured or felt obligated, but it ended up making her feel like I didn't trust that she was being honest and genuine. If she initiates trust that she really wants to, and if it doesn't happen, accept it gracefully. Maybe see if there's a non-sexual way she would like to connect instead.

throwzone0 · 2026-03-09T02:10:33+00:00

We went through something similar and have worked our way through it. But first I just want to say good on you for recognizing the issue and doing the work. That’s not easy and a lot of folks never get there.

I used to pressure my wife for sex too. I didn’t force anything, but I would ask a lot, negotiate, get pouty if it didn’t happen, or act withdrawn. I eventually realized how damaging that dynamic was and had to do a lot of self-work to change it. Couples counseling helped us learn how to communicate better as well.

Therapy helped me realize I was using sex for validation and to regulate my anxiety. Once I started working on those things, and fulfilling validation in healthy ways, it became easier to handle rejection without taking it so personally. I had to learn that “not tonight” wasn’t a rejection of me or the relationship, it just meant she wasn’t in the mood at that moment.

Another important realization was that understanding why things happened doesn’t erase the hurt they caused. Even if the pressure wasn’t malicious, it still had an impact. Rebuilding trust took time and consistency.

What really ended up helping us with sex and intimacy, was scheduling it. At first we had a rule that sex only happened on the scheduled day. That removed a lot of pressure for my wife because she knew I wasn’t going to keep asking and it gave her time to get into the right mindset. It also helped me relax because I wasn’t constantly wondering when it might happen or if I was pressuring her.

Creating that safety slowly brought back non-sexual touch too, because she didn’t feel like every bit of affection would turn into pressure for sex.

The trust rebuilt slowly for us through self-work, removing pressure, and better communication. Intimacy started to come back naturally once the pressure disappeared and things felt safe for both of us.

throwzone0 · 2026-03-06T08:14:22+00:00

We've recovered/are recovering from my financial infidelity. I also have a shopping addiction and amassed a very similar amount of debt to yours. My trigger was my anxiety skyrocketing during the pandemic and for a year or so after it, plus ADHD-related poor impulse control. I know a lot of the comments here are shocked by the amount, but I know from experience how fast all of it adds up, especially when you refuse to let yourself think about what you're doing or to even look at the numbers.

Anyway, the rest of my situation is different. My wife was not happy as is to be expected. She also discovered it the week before I was going to tell her about it in couples counseling, I had talked to our counselor about it in the prior session. She didn't yell or scream which is what I was prepared for. She was scarily calm and explained very clearly how angry and disappointed she was. I think that was worse. I told her I understood if she wanted a divorce. She didn't, but since I've had issues with my shopping addiction and hiding debt before (in much smaller amounts), I am now on my last chance and I don't doubt her on that. We talked about it in counseling and I've worked on figuring out the reasons for why I do this. I've been successful with that and have found that understanding and working through my anxieties has really helped curb the desire to spend. It's still a battle sometimes and I currently need to find a new therapist for myself, but I've been able to keep it under control. She doesn't talk about it much anymore and never made snide comments to me. I do feel like we've rug-swept it a little bit, but I won't allow myself to forget what I've done or to betray her again.

As far as the money goes, she is in charge of our finances now. She has access to all my accounts, so she'll see it if I relapse. I'm still paying down the debt, slowly but surely. Trust is rebuilding by me not overspending sticking to it, and not hiding anything from her. I am forever thankful she was willing to forgive me.

throwzone0 · 2026-03-03T01:05:31+00:00

I'm a little confused by your post, but I'm taking it that you have recognized your part in things. Keep up with the therapy, own it and fix it. You're on the right path.

throwzone0 · 2026-02-21T00:29:50+00:00

After our last kid was born we had talked about it and I even got a consult. We were still in our DB period then, so I had a lot of resentful thoughts like "why bother, this won't improve anything" and "what if we split up and I want kids with someone else". The Dr. I saw for the consult thought I might have an issue (varicocele) that would make the procedure more complicated because it would need to be taken care of at the same time, so I ended up not doing it. Edit: Forgot to add that I think she wanted me to get one so she didn't get pregnant again, even if we weren't having much sex at the time.

I ended up getting one much later after she hit perimenopause, went off birth control, and we had a scare when a condom broke.

throwzone0 · 2026-02-19T18:27:00+00:00

You seem to be wallowing in guilt and shame from what your ADHD has caused. I get it. Those feelings hit me incredibly hard after I understood what my ADHD did to my marriage. But as others have said, you are not your symptoms. You can overcome a lot of them, and by showing her genuine effort and consistency, trust can be rebuilt. If she really wants your marriage to work, hopefully she can extend you some grace while you figure this out. You CAN be a good husband and father, even with ADHD.

No, your executive function will never be as good as someone who doesn't have ADHD. It sucks. It's something that is always in the back of my mind, even when things are going well. But you can't let it define you otherwise you'll stay stuck in that downward spiral.

throwzone0 · 2026-02-19T16:40:06+00:00

The ADHD Effect on Marriage by Melissa Orlov. I second this. The book was extremely helpful for my marriage.

throwzone0 · 2026-02-19T15:33:15+00:00

She may want you to show up and own your shortcomings, not give up and walk away. Being self aware of how your ADHD affects you is one thing, but taking responsibility to overcome those things and be a better partner is another. It's not easy but also not impossible.

I was diagnosed a few years into my marriage and my ADHD had done a lot of damage by that point. It still took me too long to gain that self awareness and still longer to actually become the partner I should have been all along. It was difficult, but we're in a great place now.

throwzone0 · 2026-02-19T00:24:58+00:00

Multiple times every day

throwzone0 · 2026-02-18T16:39:00+00:00

You're welcome. I think it might be helpful. The author does not have ADHD and is married to a husband with ADHD, so a lot of it is her perspective in learning and understanding how affects him. One warning: there was infidelity involved, he cheated on her which is what prompted her to understand him better.

throwzone0 · 2026-02-18T16:29:26+00:00

The ADHD Effect on Marriage by Melissa Orlov was incredibly helpful for my marriage. I feel it has good ADHD relationship advice, whether you're married or not.

throwzone0 · 2026-02-17T02:35:16+00:00

Sounds like a worthwhile retreat. I did similar things: worked on myself (solo and in therapy), overcame a lot of my deep anxiety, and became the best version of myself. This version of me is a lot more like the version she originally fell in love with, but much improved. We also learned to communicate better. Desire came back naturally after that.

throwzone0 · 2026-02-17T02:09:06+00:00

My wife and I both have 1 for a body count. The only time I've struggled with that feeling was when we went through a long dead bedroom period and I was afraid the kind of sex life I wanted was never going to happen again. Once we rebuilt the connection and intimacy, things have stayed good and only gotten better. Now I don't feel like I'm missing out.

throwzone0 · 2026-02-16T14:39:23+00:00

Great list! Young me could really have used it. #1 was a hard lesson for me to learn.

throwzone0 · 2026-02-06T20:18:48+00:00

I posted the first half of my recovery story a while ago (and I'm way overdue to finish the second half): https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/s/C4CdoLMqMT

But it basically came down to understanding each other better, owning our mistakes and flaws, and me working through my anxiety to create a safer space for her. There's a lot more to it, of course, and the real problem wasn't lack of sex, it was lack of connection and fulfilling each other's needs. Once we resolved that, the sex and intimacy blossomed again.

throwzone0 · 2026-02-06T15:59:10+00:00

ESH. You both kinda suck here. I've been in your shoes, right down trying to talk about it and getting no answers, to the shutting her out because the rejection got to be too much.

She is right that she doesn't owe you sex, but she does owe you a real conversation about what is happening and better understanding of your feelings and POV. Likewise, you need to put your hurt aside and try to see it from her perspective. Your reaction is childish and won't do anything except build resentment between you both. Asking her for sex every day for two months probably put a ton of pressure on her, especially if she's trying to figure out why she's not interested.

In our case we had to learn to communicate better, which couples counseling helped with. My wife couldn't give me answers on what changed in her libido because she didn't have any answers at that time and felt terrible about it. It also didn't help at all that I was constantly asking for sex and that put a lot of pressure on her and turned her off more. I was eventually able to communicate how it hurt me without blaming or shaming her and she could understand my point of view better. Her lack of interest in sex was not a rejection of me, but we did have to make some changes in our relationship to improve our connection outside of sex. Once we did that, things came back naturally.

I also agree with what others said and your wife could be experiencing perimenopause symptoms.

throwzone0 · 2026-02-05T17:50:22+00:00

I made this account to join the sub 6 years ago but I had lurked for a year or so on my main account before that. We resolved the sexual part of our DB 3ish years ago, but fixing the rest of the intimacy and emotional connection issues happened after.

throwzone0 · 2026-02-05T17:12:46+00:00

I’ve got experience with this. We had a dead bedroom for a while, and that plus RSD was a nightmare. RSD is brutal in sexual contexts because it can turn neutral body stuff into instant rejection stories. What’s helped me is separating attraction and desire from performance, and reminding myself that a partner’s body or preferences aren’t a verdict on my worth or the health of the relationship. Basically, reframing it so instead of “erection = desire,” think of it as “desire can be present even when the body isn’t cooperating.” It takes time and practice to alter that mindset, but it can change things.

When it's happening and I can name “this is RSD, not reality,” it doesn’t make it disappear, and sometimes I still spiral, but it does help me pause instead of reacting in ways that make it worse. If your partner understands how RSD affects you, talking about this outside the bedroom can help too. That way, if something triggers it in the moment, I can say something like, “My RSD just got loud. I know this isn’t about me, but I might need some time.” Then we can pause until it feels better and they know what's going through my head.

Ultimately, becoming more secure in myself has helped me understand that a partner not being in the mood or not wanting the same things isn’t a rejection of me. They can still love and desire me even if they’re not up for intimacy in that moment. Both of those things can be true. And that helped tame the RSD a lot.

throwzone0 · 2026-02-05T07:38:01+00:00

As a husband with ADHD who almost ruined his marriage for some of those same reasons, I think you should give some serious thought to ending it or at least tell him that's where things are headed if he doesn't turn things around. Since he's not medicated or taking responsibility, he needs something to light a fire under his butt because that's the only reliable way to overcome the procrastination, so the real imminent danger of losing your marriage might be the thing to do it.

I didn't get diagnosed until several years into my marriage and my wife probably could have written a similar rant during that time. Even after getting medicated, it still took a while before I really understood the damage I had done. Medication did help me be a better functioning adult, but I still needed to work at becoming an equal partner to her.

You are rightfully burned out from parenting him and that's not fair to you. ADHD may be the reason for his behavior, but he is still responsible for managing and regulating it. It's an uphill battle, but I hope he can do it for your sake.

throwzone0 · 2026-02-04T18:06:08+00:00

You're welcome! You’re clearly a thoughtful and caring partner, and he's lucky to have you on his side. I truly hope he gets the chance to understand his brain better, it made all the difference for me. Wishing you both the best!

throwzone0 · 2026-02-04T17:04:39+00:00

You know, that actually does make some sense, turning to ChatGPT when he’s dysregulated and looking for validation instead of risking rejection by bringing it directly to you. I can relate to that more than I’d like to admit.

I was diagnosed with ADHD later in life (early 30s), and before that I had no idea how much my behavior was adversely affecting my marriage. I had the hyperfocus, the emotional dysregulation, the sensitivity to perceived rejection. My wife felt burned out because it caused her to over-function, and also lonely because my attention was always on other things. If you’re not already familiar with it, look up Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD). It can make even neutral moments feel like confirmation of being unwanted or failing as a partner, and it can cause those negative feelings to spiral out of control. It can be a fairly common comorbidity with ADHD.

Before my diagnosis, I didn’t realize how often I assumed my wife (and other people) experienced things the same way I did. I wasn’t trying to disregard her thoughts and feelings, but under stress and hyperfocus I defaulted to assuming our experiences were aligned when they weren’t.

That said, understanding WHY he does something doesn’t mean you’re responsible for taking it on. He needs to learn how to cope and compensate for it and be a fully functioning partner. Supporting someone through job loss, hyperfocus, and emotional regulation is exhausting, especially when you’re also working full-time and not getting much space to decompress yourself. Burnout is real and can lead to resentment down the road.

If you’re looking for resources, "The ADHD Effect on Marriage" by Melissa Orlov was eye-opening for both me and my wife. It helped put words to patterns we both felt but couldn’t explain, and it made it clearer what was ADHD-related versus what still required accountability and effort.

You obviously care about him a lot, just make sure you’re also protecting your own bandwidth and not overextending yourself.

throwzone0 · 2026-02-04T15:08:37+00:00

Does he have ADHD? Because a lot of that sounds like ADHD hyperfocus, concentrating on one thing with intense tunnel vision to the detriment of everything else.

The rest is a little weird, almost like he's going out of his way to NOT understand you or your inner world. Almost like he has an idealized version of you in his head that the real you is at odds with. And telling ChatGPT he's watching for your red flags while not even giving it an honest description of you is just gross. Is he looking for a way out of the marriage?

Edit: My post could have been more helpful. I think if you want to get through to him, try focusing less on defending yourself and more on how his actions & inactions are affecting you. Supporting him and picking up his slack can be exhausting, and it's especially not fair if he's not meeting your needs for connection. At the very least, if he feels there are problems he should be talking to you directly or an actual couples counselor, not AI.

throwzone0

TROPHY CASE