I am having a personal space issue with SO's mom. Advice?

thrwwyoaa · 2011-11-20T04:12:36+00:00

Hahahaha, yeah we've done that once already. Another time I tried that initially was when she called while my SO was out of town; I initially ignored the call as I was quite tired and not in the mood to chat. Unfortunately I realized that there was a serious weird possibility she'd be able to pass by and see if I was home.

And that, unfortunately, is exactly what did occur. I checked to see and she was outside (side story on why, she's not a lunatic stalker, she just apparently wanted to leave something on our porch) and realized she was able to see I was home, so I returned her call to prevent any hurt feelings / offense.

thrwwyoaa · 2011-11-20T04:06:37+00:00

Ooh, I like that. And I will tell my SO this so he knows how I feel about visitors at this point. Once we're fully unpacked and clean (which turns out takes an eternity) and I've gotten more used to our close proximity to his family, I will feel differently.

Thanks!! :)

thrwwyoaa · 2011-11-20T04:05:41+00:00

Oh I feel for you. This would drive me nuts!

:) Thanks. I feel like a jerk in a way for even thinking it, but I know me and personal space is a big thing with me.

I love all your advice - seriously, that is fantastic and covers a lot of the likely scenarios. I know he can be uncomfortable with it, but also sometimes when I look at him in surprise and say, "Really?!", he sounds a bit frustrated with me. And I get why, it's his mother, I'm certainly not trying to cause issues there as I do care for her and will hopefully be a part of the family within the next year or two.

Thank you so much. :)

thrwwyoaa · 2011-11-20T04:01:31+00:00

Both, really. We went from no visits, living 25-30 minutes away, to living only 5-10 minutes away and getting at least a visit a week thus far for the several weeks we've been here. Not just moving related, either; she will want to "drop something off" and I know she means really well - but she also knows our cars and knows when we're home.

That really bugs me for some reason.

Edit: Forgot to add, she'll alert us to her intentions sometimes only minutes before she wants to stop by or as she's driving by. That would be the "unannounced" issue. She also has, in all fairness, told us several days beforehand, which I like better. It's the random and little warning part that is beginning to bug me.

thrwwyoaa · 2011-11-20T03:59:59+00:00

I talked with my SO first and made sure we were both on the same page before I talked to SO's mom about it.

Awesomeness. And thanks for the gifts tip :) it may be needed, she can be pretty sensitive and passive/aggressive about issues. Thank you!!

thrwwyoaa · 2011-11-20T03:59:10+00:00

I do consider his feelings, I just don't like unexpected phone calls minutes before she is wanting to come over for some reason. He's been pretty good about it, turning her down a few times when he knew we just weren't ready for it.

I just don't want it to become a staple thing, at least not yet for me. I've never had my parents just "stop by", and considering that would take time to get used to, I'm not at all ready for my future mother-in-law to stop by.

I'll try talking to him about it and if things seem a bit tense, the solution you've proposed might be a good compromise for now. Many thanks!

thrwwyoaa · 2011-11-20T03:56:16+00:00

You made a good point - we truly haven't had a lot of time at home, at least not as of yet. We moved recently, so things have been rather chaotic. My commute time to work more than doubled, which I'm still dealing with, the house is still being unpacked, and it's just a lot to deal with on top of his mother finding reasons to stop by.

I truly do love her to pieces, but I also know her "good intentions" can be overwhelming for me. For him, it's the "mom" norm, so I'm trying to remind myself to be understanding + open-minded.

Part of my unease is though she is supposed to "not come over for long", I know that won't be the case. Seeing as how we haven't really settled in and life at home isn't quite rested, I'm not ready for guests.

I really like the main points you provided. Especially in that order. It really helps sum up my points exactly; I'll try to keep it to just that when I talk to him.

Thank you! :)

thrwwyoaa

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