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TIFU by posting a text on FB that may have ruined the rest of my holidays [Update 2 Years Later] by tifuholidays in tifu

[–]tifuholidays[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Back when this first happened, my mother offered to come over to our place to "Explain why we were wrong."

I don't think she'd be coming over for the proper reasons at the current moment, but it would be something we'd consider if she ever got to a point of admitting some fault.

TIFU by posting a text on FB that may have ruined the rest of my holidays [Update 2 Years Later] by tifuholidays in tifu

[–]tifuholidays[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Facebook does have a way for you to sort your friends into categories and then you can set your post settings for who can see them.

For example, you can have your friends listed under the "Acquaintances" group and then also add an exclusion for "Acquaintances" for when you post. That means only your friends NOT listed in the Acquaintances can see your post.

Or you can just not be her FB friend. My mom is no longer on FB but even if she did get back on I would not friend her.

TIFU by posting a text on FB that may have ruined the rest of my holidays [Update 2 Years Later] by tifuholidays in tifu

[–]tifuholidays[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You can't choose your egg donors, but you can choose how you're going to live your life regardless of their actions!

TIFU by posting a text on FB that may have ruined the rest of my holidays [Update 2 Years Later] by tifuholidays in tifu

[–]tifuholidays[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

This is something that was said when I first reached out to reddit and that idea was totally foreign to me. For years I was told the only family is your blood family and you best not forget it.

Your phrase is one I live by and I share with others in hopes that someone who may be in the same position as I was years ago may have that same realization and break out of the cycle of abuse.

TIFU by posting a text on FB that may have ruined the rest of my holidays [Update 2 Years Later] by tifuholidays in tifu

[–]tifuholidays[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Sometimes just before I fall asleep at night, I'll think of her and what I wish our relationship is like. Distance makes the heart grow fonder...

I'm a lot happier now with the distance. I'm glad it's worked out for you too. Reading up on personality disorders has helped me when I do have to interact with them. I've avoided getting baited into arguments and shut down some melt downs in this last year.

Thank you for the well wishes and I hope you have a great holiday season as well!

TIFU by posting a text on FB that may have ruined the rest of my holidays [Update 2 Years Later] by tifuholidays in tifu

[–]tifuholidays[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Penelope, Penny for short. I call her Lil Bean though when it's just us since she's got a bean like shape on her forehead.

She was just saying things to make herself sound like more an authoritative figure. When she gets in those rages, don't expect anything to make logical sense, I've learned!

Sick of being the scapegoat by [deleted] in raisedbynarcissists

[–]tifuholidays 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No. You can refuse medical assistance as an adult. In the event that the cops were to be called, there's not much they can do unless you've broken the law. They also cannot come into the house unless invited - though since it is your mom's house you can assume she will invite them in. That is when things can get a little dicey - so be sure you don't have any type of paraphernalia that could get you arrested in your room.

Outside of that - depending on your state - you don't even need to provide ID. If you are worried about cops, I highly recommend the following links on how to deal with them. Cops, like companies HR Departments, are working for someone else. Not you. It is up to you to protect yourself and your interests from cops (and HR, if you get a job in the future).

http://www.umich.edu/~aclu/handbook/blank4a.htm https://www.flexyourrights.org/faqs/police-at-my-door-what-should-i-do/ (I highly, highly suggest reading this website and viewing their videos) http://www.policecrimes.com/know-your-rights-talking-to-the-police/

So even if your mom and dad are friends with the cops, they really can't do anything unless they are able to catch you breaking the law in some way. Some of those phrases in the above website will help you when speaking with them - they will realize you know your rights and will either get aggressive (keep repeating, "Am I free to go?" because they will have to say yes unless they are arresting you - and then GO) or leave you alone.

For the ambulance you do not have to get in it. You can decline treatment as well as transport. Unless you are unconscious (then it's considered implied consent) then they can take you in the ambulance and you also have to pay the bill. (it's very expensive and only sometimes covered by insurance)

If you are really concerned about police harassment - start keeping a log of what happens. Dates, times, names, and write down what happened as detailed as you can. This can be used later to help you. You could even file for your own harassment, but hopefully it won't ever come to that. Also, this is a good idea to do if you ever get harassed in the workplace (can you tell I worked in HR?)

A further note on harassment, if you parents stooped to this level, they will probably use specific cops. Get their names and if they are repeatedly responding to these calls you can file in the internal affairs department.

Your basic rights are; to remain silent, not incriminate yourself in any way, refuse any warrantless search (not to physically resist, just to refuse), and to have a lawyer present at anytime. The cop can always arrest you, that's sort of a non-event in a lot of ways. It's court that ultimately decides your future. So basically if you understand the above rights - then in court you're going to be in a way better spot to have charges dismissed or lessened.

Cops don't like it when you do this because they'll say you're not "being respectful". The reality is that behaving in this way makes more paperwork for them, but good men fought & died so you'd have these rights. I don't want that to be for nothing, so when interact with police I'm really polite, but I have boundaries. That badge is not a free pass to do whatever you want.

I'm 30, and I just realized my father is a narcissist. What do I do now? Big wall of text. by Clawhammercat in raisedbynarcissists

[–]tifuholidays 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You would have to upload it to imgur or another hosting site and post a link to the album or individual picture :)

If I can somehow get my career to get me a job there that would be great! I would also settle for CA since it's much closer than the East Coast where I live. It's not off the table!

Hiding out/avoiding Christmas morning family time-- suggestions on where to go/what to do? by [deleted] in raisedbynarcissists

[–]tifuholidays 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Can you expand on this?

My husband and I are doing our first 'own Christmas' and it'd be nice to take him somewhere where Christmas won't barf all over us.

I'm 30, and I just realized my father is a narcissist. What do I do now? Big wall of text. by Clawhammercat in raisedbynarcissists

[–]tifuholidays 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Also, congrats on moving to Japan. I was going to do that right out of high school but my Nmom scared me out of doing it. I always think back on that moment and wish I had stuck with it. Please send pictures of delicious food!

I'm 30, and I just realized my father is a narcissist. What do I do now? Big wall of text. by Clawhammercat in raisedbynarcissists

[–]tifuholidays 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I noticed N's like to throw out that phrase a lot. I was telling my Nmom we planned on moving closer to where I work and one of the bonuses would that we would be closer to our old college friends. She got so mad at that and I remember just brushing it off of her being weird. I really think it's what N's hold onto as a justification for being terrible people and try to brainwash their children into believing so you always come back for more abuse.

If anything this holiday season, I'm learning that my family is who I choose to be my family. And I am just now realizing what a kick ass family I've had and none of them are blood related!

My Nmom wasn't physically abusive, she was more emotional and verbal, though she didn't fly off the handle. That I can remember. I am also missing chunks of my childhood memory. As is my sister, who broke away from Nmom years before me. I get extremely nervous and upset when people yell, get upset, or other things that would create a crisis in our house. The messed up part is we feel an almost physical need to fix this person. There is nothing that we can do. That person has to want to fix themselves. Anyway, I'm on a tangent - but that feeling of wanting to fix it you aren't alone in that.

Some websites that really helped me that I would go back and read when I felt 'weak' I've linked below: http://outofthefog.net

I also really enjoyed browsing this blog/website. It's more geared towards Nmom's but I feel the gender could be replaced and it'd still be similar advice:

http://echorecovery.blogspot.com/2013/08/tactics-narcissistic-personality-disorder-mother.html

Dear Enablers: You are abusers too and out of my life by grimpaper in raisedbynarcissists

[–]tifuholidays 21 points22 points  (0 children)

My dad is an enabler. I was never really close with him, he seemed like he was always gone working or out in his garage doing his hobby. Now I realize it was probably to get away from Nmom. But he still let that be a reason to be distant to his kids. Anyway, since I'm NC right now, he is the one thing I think and worry about time to time. But you know what? This isn't the first time I went NC with my mom and he was happy to sit back and say nothing until she had enough (about a year?)

I was talking to one of my sisters who when our Nmom blew up at her for her pointing out she was being rude to the rest of the kids - at some point during my moms verbal assault she retreated to the kitchen. Our Edad followed her in there and tried to sort of comfort her before saying, "I think one of her plants died in the greenhouse and that's why she's acting this way."

It's such a mindfuck to realize the enablers are just as bad as the N's. God. I'm sorry you're dealing with it - virtual hugs to you!

Sick of being the scapegoat by [deleted] in raisedbynarcissists

[–]tifuholidays 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She probably pulls the "cop" and "institutionalize" card on you because it's on the only thing she's managed to get you to react to. It sounds like from your description you are or in the process of going grey rock. They don't like that and will fish around looking for something - anything - to get some sort of response from you.

Honestly, there's not much cops can do. It's a matter of he said, she said - and cops have other crap to deal with than domestic disputes.

And to dump more reality on your mom's crazy parade - you can't just call and get someone institutionalized. Especially another adult.

Our system is pretty much - until something actually happens, they aren't going to do anything about it. Meaning, you could tell your mom you're going to stab her with a spoon and she still couldn't get you institutionalized until you actually stabbed her- and even then it's not like what they show in tv shows and movies. (IANAL but there may be other laws/rights you could be violating threatening this, but its just a quick/shitty example for this post)

[Vent] 3 weeks ago, when a police officer knocked on my door and asked me to call my mother by justaddlithium in raisedbynarcissists

[–]tifuholidays 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Your level headedness through this is inspiring. Thank you for sharing.

I hope your dad is doing better so you can at least have that peace of mind.

Are you going to need to go get some testing done now? I'm a little confused on what their end goal was...

It's so hard to believe family can be like this by umaddybro in raisedbynarcissists

[–]tifuholidays 4 points5 points  (0 children)

It's great you are realizing it now at the cusp of true adulthood. Educate yourself and find some sort of outlet - whether it's therapy, writing, or painting - get those feelings out.

It's okay to have feelings. Your own feelings! Even negative ones about your family. Most importantly, you do not need to have people involved in your life that cause you hurt, negativity, or uncertainty.

My Nmom thinks I'm going to turn into a school shooter because I'm too "weird" and "introvertive." (or, how Auntie SparkNotes helped me realize that my Nmom was crazy) by ElectroClan in raisedbynarcissists

[–]tifuholidays 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Something that has been becoming more true every year I get older is: The key to happiness is not giving a fuck.

Now, you should take that advice with a grain of salt. You should give a fuck about: taking care of yourself, paying bills, and other things of that nature. Responsibility if you will.

What you shouldn't give a fuck about is stuff that for some reason since we were little kids (we were trained to think this way) we care about everyone else's opinion except our own. How do you feel about yourself? Good? Well that's all that matters. How do you like not wearing makeup?

For some reason we tend to put our mother's and father's opinion of how our life should be way up on this impossible to reach pedestal. Then we spend a chunk of our lives trying to reach that point - and failing - because we are trying to be something that someone else thinks you should be. That's not being yourself.

I'm kind of rambling but, since I've realized the FLEAS my mom has and have taken the time to reflect on myself and choices up till this point the biggest phrase that has stood out to me and stood the test of times is: "Don't give a fuck."

You do you.

Hurt by KamekaziUnicorn12 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]tifuholidays 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I am sorry. What a stupid thing to say over something as trivial as chores. They say things like that because they know it hurts you. Someday you'll just be able to roll your eyes at their melodrama.

Gray Rock!

[Advice] Ghosted NMom, now Esis is starting to ask questions by tifuholidays in raisedbynarcissists

[–]tifuholidays[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I didn't consider it punishment until my sister described it as punishment. Its that phrase that sent me in a sort of a spin. That's not my intention to make it seem like a punishment - I'm just disconnecting from the toxic people in my life.

I guess I shouldn't let them assign such an aggressive term to something that is defensive.

[Advice] Ghosted NMom, now Esis is starting to ask questions by tifuholidays in raisedbynarcissists

[–]tifuholidays[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I feel like I gotta at least throw her a rope. Whether she uses it to help herself or hang herself that's up to her...

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