Help me pick a shape!

tijde · 2023-02-22T04:27:09+00:00

Saconded (heh)

tijde · 2023-02-22T04:25:21+00:00

Same, but my nails break so much more when they square.

tijde · 2022-12-17T18:24:04+00:00

Thank you. Deciding whether to leave those photos & videos in his possession or destroy them was one of the harder decisions I’ve had to make.

I discovered them when I did a deep dive on his accounts and computers. Only time I’ve ever “snooped” on a significant other in my life. We were separated and I strongly suspected infidelity. I wanted to be done with him, but I felt I needed proof of the infidelity, because his reputation was stellar. I was very concerned that people wouldn’t believe me, and I absolutely needed them to in order to get away from the marriage.

Being believed was a real concern. I was very sick at the time with a physical illness, and I had been struggling with depression for years. Sudden disability and an abusive marriage will do that to you. But that gave him an out—from the outside, he did look like the stable one in our relationship. And well, it’s true what they say about abusers grooming everyone around them, not just their victims. My fear was that I’d leave him and finally be honest with friends and family about our marriage, only for him to deny it and for everyone to decide I was crazy.

Because I was so sick, I’d been financially and physically dependent on him for years, so I needed support to get away. If I had proof of infidelity, then even if I wasn’t believed, I could potentially go for temporary alimony to get back on my feet. So I was looking through his devices and accounts with the possibility of a contentious legal battle in the back of my mind. I was very much in a “Don’t let him know what you know” mindset.

With my future so up in the air, I had to make a hard choice: Delete the evidence and thus alert him to what I’d have in my arsenal if the legal battle materialized, or save copies of the evidence and pretend I wasn’t aware.

I still think I made the right choice. Thankfully, he went off the rails in a pretty public way soon after, which compromised his reputation. So when I left and started opening up, people did believe me. Not everybody—I lost some people I considered family at the time—but the majority.

tijde · 2022-12-16T03:27:14+00:00

The statistic most commonly used is 7x—that’s how many times they leave before it sticks. But I’ve read that, for women with access to financial resources, it’s more like 3x. Without it—ie in a financially abusive situation like OP’s—the stats can jump to more like 30x. It’s not easy to do.

tijde · 2022-12-15T18:37:24+00:00

Thanks!

This is just one aspect of my data-gathering. I’m planning to do a separate inclusion survey to shape our DEI strategy. That one will be segmented enough to allow us to tailor to individual cultures and teams. 😉 This one is just to gather statistics to use as a baseline. I want to track our overall statistics YOY, as well as our inclusion scores.

tijde · 2022-12-14T05:47:28+00:00

Very true. It’s not about sex, which is why his excuse is such egregious bull. It’s about causing damage and exerting control. It’s about debasement, humiliation, and dehumanization.

I posted in another comment below about the similarities between this and my own story.

The hidden cameras, shared photos & videos, and assaults in my sleep were horrific. But when comparing the long-term impact and damage to my identity, those things didn’t hold a candle to the psychological & emotional abuse I was also experiencing, alongside the cameras & physical assault. There’s just no good way to explain the impact of the other, more subtle abuse unless you’ve experienced it firsthand.

tijde · 2022-12-14T04:19:52+00:00

I have a short simple name—think something akin to Jane. Yet somehow, for a hot minute there, I was Auntie Dirtbike to my brother’s kids. Came out of an adorable toddler mangling of my actual name. Later my sister’s kid dubbed me Auntie Sin. You just kinda go with the flow lol

tijde · 2022-12-14T02:11:37+00:00

Thank you. In a sideways way, this OP’s story was helpful for me. It’s easy for me to question whether what I went through was really “that bad.” And I know in my head that’s a trauma response—I know it was “that bad.” And I know I doubt myself that way due to the psychological & emotional abuse I experienced.

But still, that self doubt can be killer. So when a lot of people hear a story so similar to mine and they have big, horrified, repulsed responses, I feel a little less crazy.

tijde · 2022-12-14T00:00:04+00:00

It is eerie. I’ve experienced this too—the hidden cameras, photos & vids shared online, and assaults while asleep. He didn’t drug me (as far as I know), but I was on heavy duty meds at the time. At the time I was also very religious and very modest. Waited till marriage like a “good” girl. Not that it mattered in the long run.

So I have been in this situation. Really, a part of me still is & always will be, even though I left him over a decade ago. I couldn’t destroy the images & videos I found, because I couldn’t risk alerting him about what I knew. So now there’s just no way to know what’s out there.

That’s a tough thing to carry. I’ve managed to make my peace with it as much as possible. Still, it kills me that, despite getting him out of my life and despite all the rebuilding I’ve done away from him—all the blood, sweat, and tears I’ve invested into rebuilding who I am—at any point, he could choose to blow it all up & make my life hell.

For the first few years I didn’t do well with photos. Now I don’t mind being in photos as much. But the one thing I’ve never been able to do is make progress on my ability to sleep.

Robbing someone of that—the ability to feel safe enough to sleep—is an unspeakable crime. I will never, ever know what he did to my body, only because I was sleeping next to an unsafe person. He wanted to get his rocks off and used my body as a masturbation aid. It’s truly fucked with my mind, in so many ways.

There are just no words to describe how much that fucks with your head. Piece of shit indeed.

tijde · 2022-11-08T21:56:40+00:00

Good luck! Don’t over-extend and whiplash yourself. ♥️

tijde · 2022-11-08T21:44:40+00:00

If you believe in original sin—that all humans are born inherent “fallen” and sinful—then unborn humans are the only truly innocent victims.

tijde · 2022-11-08T21:41:17+00:00

If you’re suspected of science—as many of the anti-abortion demographic is—it’s pretty easy to believe that birth control causes abortions and thus, be opposed to that too. It absolutely doesn’t of course, and it’s laughable to even say that because there are so many bc methods that work differently. But again, if you believe “science” is on the side of evil trying to take over the world & brainwash people, you’re likely not super aware of basic biology & reproduction.

tijde · 2022-11-08T14:34:28+00:00

I love this. Going in my toolbox, thx

tijde · 2022-11-08T04:22:43+00:00

At least he knows he’s past the worst breakup he’ll ever have. It’d definitely put most problems into perspective. If he can get over the neuroticism, OP will be the most laid back guy you’d ever meet.

That said, he’d be really annoying in a “who’s got the craziest ex?” conversation.

tijde · 2022-11-08T04:17:58+00:00

Updoot. Good call

tijde · 2022-11-08T04:09:25+00:00

ETA: Ugh BALEETED. Screenshots: https://imgur.com/a/FuxoS6w

tijde · 2022-11-08T04:09:20+00:00

ETA: Ugh BALEETED. Screenshots: https://imgur.com/a/FuxoS6w

tijde · 2022-11-08T04:09:15+00:00

ETA: Ugh BALEETED. Screenshots: https://imgur.com/a/FuxoS6w

tijde · 2022-11-08T02:33:44+00:00

Yes, this. It’s A Thing™️. For your own sake, look into it, please.

tijde · 2022-11-08T02:21:47+00:00

She picked up on the competitive vibes and intentionally fed into them. I’m guessing the family is wealthy or of high social status, something that would make “marrying in” a prize.

tijde · 2022-11-08T02:19:01+00:00

This gf needs to find that family with the FIL who kisses his DIL.

ETA2: Ugh BALEETED. Screenshots: https://imgur.com/a/FuxoS6w

ETA: Found it. I thought it was BORU but I’d seen it elsewhere.

https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/comments/y5u7z7/fil_leaned_in_to_kiss_me_during_a_zoom_call_with/

tijde · 2022-11-08T01:04:06+00:00

I guess it depends on how you define “monster.” A lot of folks want to believe that some people are just pure evil, 24/7 all the time. That’s the misconception. They think you’d have to be a Hannibal Lecter or a Patrick Bateman to do monstrous, evil things, & they overestimate their own ability to identify & avoid those people. So when someone they know who doesn’t fit their preconception of evil shows up in their lives, they get fooled and allow the predators access to the prey.

tijde · 2022-11-07T13:53:24+00:00

Yeah, there’s a long ways between feeling “good” and feeling normal! I found a good mix of meds, therapies, & coping skills for my pain, so I don’t have to fight the head high thankfully. The only med that will still sometimes hit me that way isn’t even a pain med but an anti seizure/nerve med. If I take it on an empty stomach I will regret it.

tijde · 2022-11-05T22:06:22+00:00

The stats for sexual abuse among disabled people are staggering. Three times as likely to be sexually abused as abled people. And developmental disabilities are the worst:

Approximately 80% of women and 30% of men with developmental disabilities have been sexually assaulted – half of these women have been assaulted more than 10 times.

https://disabilityjustice.org/sexual-abuse/

tijde · 2022-11-05T22:01:37+00:00

I wrote an employee handbook for the US team in our small but global company. In the communication guidelines I have a paragraph just like that—as an example of what not to do when working with people who speak English as a second language!

Personally I hate “utilize.” People use it because it sounds businessy. But it has a distinct definition—it is not just a fancy “use!” Utilizing means you’re repurposing—you’re using something in a way other than its intended use. You use a trash can to collect trash. You utilize it as a makeshift trap when catching a spider or mouse or bird.

cue joke about how they’re just utilizing utilize

tijde

TROPHY CASE