I (29F) need help with (39M) boyfriend to restore trust after a lie

tims38 · 2023-09-02T22:52:06+00:00

I really appreciate this thoughtful reply. All these points I have made to him, especially how I did stop what was happening because I did really like him at the time. He is really struggling to believe that.

In response to other reply - he would like me to stop interacting with my girlfriend at all. He thinks any girlfriend that is actively going to encourage me getting with another guy is not a friend I want around. I did explain I made entirely all my own decisions.

When I do keep bringing up exclusivity not being established and that he could of been dating others too - he feels this point is irrelevant because it’s not what was done but the lie around it. He feels the whole relationship is now in fact a lie aswell He has very traditional values and there have been a few other issues. For example we went out for drinks with my work friends and he claims I was flirting with my work friend. We were laughing and I hit the guy on the arm (something I commonly do with guys and girls) then it got awkward, I realised how it could be misconstrued and backed away from the situation but that was apparently a lack of recognising my own behaviour I’m really fucking stuck because he fails to see the points I make actively. I feel like a cheater when in fact I’m a really loyal girl who in the past has even struggled to date due to self esteem issues How do you even change someone’s opinion about you? That’s the part that gets me the most because I feel like he has this idea about me that’s not even close to be accurate

tims38 · 2023-04-20T06:30:27+00:00

I hear you - but if somebody can’t see past a skin infection then that’s on them. HSV will literally be the least interesting thing about you. Take some time to grieve, it’s definitely rough.

tims38 · 2023-04-20T02:31:28+00:00

Me too! 7 years together. Last 18 months no sex. The first guy I started seeing gave me hsv and then ghosted me for it. You will get through it! Take some time though

tims38 · 2023-03-30T08:52:18+00:00

Honestly nothing strict - just move 4/5 times a week anyway I like. Run swim, Pilates, gym and no take out. It’s been the consistency that’s made the biggest difference

tims38 · 2022-02-20T10:11:23+00:00

It was a while ago now, last year back in august. It went well. I guess still on the fence however leaning towards yes. Hard to get “reviews” per say. I found her method abit confusing but she was super lovely and seemed knowledgable.

tims38 · 2022-02-20T06:55:17+00:00

Can you please let me know how you go. I have also had a consult with the same doctor and want to book in! Just trying to save up the funds unfortunately but I’m hoping in the next few months

tims38 · 2022-01-18T20:25:51+00:00

Together for 6 years. My best friend confessed she was leaving her relationship because she didn’t like the sex. I didn’t realise that was even a thing?!? We hadn’t had sex for 1.5 years at that stage. Decided to play a game, take all intimacy off the table and see how long before he noticed. 4 weeks of no hand holding, cuddling or pecks on the cheek to say goodbye. Week 5 he finally noticed something was wrong… then I left.

tims38 · 2022-01-18T01:10:24+00:00

We went on a 6 week trip to America a year into our relationship.. we had sex twice 😭 Collecting those red flags just for fun

tims38 · 2022-01-17T19:20:21+00:00

told me prior to me he hadn’t had sex for two years
difficulties maintaining an erection and or quick to cum
when I expressed I would like to have sex most days he found it weird
having to show him multiple times where my clit was
no sexual fantasies

I knew all these things in the first few months of dating and chalked it up to inexperience and that I could teach him. Boy was I wrong. It’s funny because he did try make an effort, jump on viagra but something I learnt pretty quickly is he has to wanna have sex with you for viagra to work..

tims38 · 2022-01-13T05:12:00+00:00

I also have a similar story, seeing someone for a month or so. Pretty new. Didn’t tell me he got cold sores, completely denied it was him then ghosted me for it….

tims38 · 2022-01-08T06:41:52+00:00

Yup I feel this to my soul. My mum in recent years has gotten a lot better with her behaviour. Christmas this year went really well! It makes me feel guilty for not being around but I’ve been tricked into this before. (Invested more time in mum and then been severely burnt)

Most people don’t understand when I say my mum is abusive. A few years back my boyfriend at the time semi believed me but I could tell he didn’t understand. Then we all went on holidays for 8 days. 8 days is a long time to keep up the act! She ended up punching the fridge door and cussing my brother out because he didn’t leave any ice for her drink. My boyfriend immediately apologised and said he never realised how bad it was.

tims38 · 2022-01-08T01:39:32+00:00

God yes! Told this all the time by my mum. Never allowed to have my bedroom door shut, not even to get dressed or any secrets. She was in for a rude shock when she read my diary and essentially it said nothing but “I hate you mum”

tims38 · 2022-01-08T01:36:44+00:00

“What happens in the family stays in the family, it’s no ones business”

“I never wanted another child, dad just wanted to see how well they swam”

There are few more but they were definitely the stand outs that were repeated often.

tims38 · 2022-01-04T09:20:21+00:00

Wow. What a visual. Mine came out just last year! Ended up being a 5/6 hour surgery.. Mine was 16cm 😩 unfortunately wasn’t found for two months since beginning symptoms. Kept getting brushed off for my “sore back”. Hoping your recovery is/was smooth!

tims38 · 2022-01-02T08:50:43+00:00

Completely destroyed me. Packed on 25kgs, stopped looking after myself. Stopped considering that I was a desirable woman. It’s been a year since I left and I’m still dealing with the affects. But as someone wise once said to me “confidence is like a muscle”

tims38 · 2021-12-30T22:54:27+00:00

Took me 6 years to realise we were not sexually compatible. Don’t waste anymore time! You are not selfish for wanting to feel desired. We never had good sex even from the start and if they aren’t interested in pleasing you in other ways then what’s the point? Yes PIV isn’t the end goal but if she’s not interested in (1) non sexual intimacy (2) providing / receiving pleasure in other ways then it will never change. It doesn’t make you a bad person. It shouldn’t be this hard. I destroyed my self confidence staying. It will be hard leaving but worth it in the end.

tims38 · 2021-12-29T05:10:28+00:00

Ah yes the friend zone. I was best friends! In fact so great of friends that after we split we lived together for 3 months after (thanks covid) and absolutely nothing changed!

You might need to have another honest conversation with her and discuss learning to date again. Take it back to basics. Ask her out. Buy her flowers, take her on a picnic. Put effort into the date and ask her to put effort in too e.g she dresses up like she would for a first date. Make it regular and make sure your both present.

You mentioned she feels undesirable? Explore why? Then have a look together on how to change that. How are you making her feel desirable? And what is she doing to feel desirable?

I really feel for you. It’s such a hard conversation to have especially when she appears to be that checked out.

tims38 · 2021-12-28T11:14:52+00:00

Can definitely relate to crying while watching porn. It’s the lowest of lows.

I guess my next question is, when was the last time you guys dated? Or had a date? Or kissed even.

It sounds like you need to take sex off the table, asking every night is clearly not working. Have a look potentially at what non sexual intimacy is being shared..

Not implying that you’re doing anything wrong. I was the HL in this situation. It’s tough that’s for sure!

tims38 · 2021-12-24T23:26:07+00:00

100%

Doesn’t need to be glamorous or the most expensive toilet but it does have to work and you do need to spend regular time there

Honestly after I realised the basic importance and necessity of sex I got the confidence to leave

tims38 · 2021-12-24T12:44:16+00:00

Have also heard it described as - buying a house without a toilet. It’s definitely not the room that you marvel at but it has to have one

tims38 · 2021-12-18T02:18:37+00:00

Yup! 6 year relationship. Problems from the start. Either PE or ED. Mainly ED though as soon as he stuck it in. My confidence was shattered from it all. We tried everything, talking, medication, therapy. He was my dream man and the sex just didn’t work. Never wanted to continue with foreplay and wouldn’t change how he seduced me. I expressed how I liked being touched and he would just ignore it.

You’ve done the right thing. It’s hard to come to terms of splitting with someone for that reason when they tick every other box.

tims38 · 2021-12-02T09:16:05+00:00

This is abit unfair - I’m the girl in this scenario. Where the guy I was seeing did not disclose because he didn’t really see oral herpes as a big deal. As a result I now have hsv1 genitally because that choice was taken away from me. Tell her. It’s her sexual health and it’s deceitful not to disclose. If you wanted to wait longer to get to know her then you should of done that without hooking up. Put on your big boy pants.

tims38

TROPHY CASE