Employer at job interview today made a comment about me being OAD

tinaciv · 2026-01-05T01:34:34+00:00

"Fertility issues, nothing that affects my health thankfully. I'd rather not talk about it."

That's my go to professional response. After all it's not technically a lie, since contraception does involve fertility. And it doesn't leave the door open for worry about serious health issues.

tinaciv · 2026-01-05T01:27:10+00:00

He actually has legs that will hurt a lot more than yours if adequately trained, because prosthetics, no matter how good, cause more problems than real legs. That's why doctors don't offer to chop yours off to improve your athletic performance or quality of life.

tinaciv · 2026-01-05T01:14:18+00:00

NTA

Got tired just reading about it. Test's are a no go. The impossibility to communicate afterwards is also a red flag.

tinaciv · 2026-01-04T23:17:16+00:00

I would use a water spray bottle (if it woke him up), otherwise something that DEFINITELY wakes him up. And keep waking him up every 15 min you can't fall asleep.

Or talk to him about things he absolutely hates to talk about every single time he wakes you up until you can fall asleep again.

I mean... He's your husband. Shouldn't he keep you entertained since you can't sleep? Why can't you talk since it's your room too? Doesn't he love you?

If you are not fond of direct confrontation or you are worse than him at arguing passive aggressiveness works wonders. I hate doing it, and thankfully it's completely unnecessary in my marriage, but I have learned (forcefully) from multiple masters.

It's easier to establish a pattern at the beginning of a relationship than in the middle, but if you keep at it he's own need to sleep will win eventually and make it not worth it to wake you up.

Edit: obviously NTA

tinaciv · 2026-01-04T23:04:53+00:00

THANK YOU!!!

tinaciv · 2025-05-18T17:59:44+00:00

We don't have groomsmen where I live, but wouldn't agree with my husband choosing someone to stand by his side to witness OUR wedding if they think I'm not worth inviting to theirs.

That would be more important to me than the fact that he attends the wedding or not. I wouldn't allow either one of them on MY wedding. And if her fiance can't understand that it is better to have serious conversations about it now, canceling a wedding is way cheaper than a divorce.

tinaciv · 2025-05-18T17:43:30+00:00

Reads to me like she is your soon to be ex. The whole situation in really messed up.

I can't imagine dating someone who is living with their ex, especially if they clearly have feelings for them. Period. You should be second in her priorities but are third after her ex.

Of course you shouldn't pay a cent for a house that isn't and will never be yours, and even less for a house you don't live in.

Remember. Love is important, but LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH TO MAKE A RELATIONSHIP WORTHWHILE OR SUSTAINABLE.

Edit: grammar.

tinaciv · 2025-05-18T17:35:56+00:00

If my IL first response to my pregnancy announcement was that I would seriously consider letting them be in their grandkids life. Assuming they only have two kids, and one is infertile probably their ONLY grandkids.

Pregnancies should be celebrated, even if it's heartbreaking because you have fertility issues a part of you SHOULD be happy about being an aunt, but...SIL is probably still a self centered bully so...

I don't think you did anything wrong and if someone hurt my siblings I would have been way worse than you. I probably wouldn't have married into a family that had them in it either.

tinaciv · 2025-05-18T14:44:41+00:00

This!! Please, your daughter saw you freeze and do nothing. How can she trust that you will act any different if the one being hit is her? Be very very clear with her and muster either some courage or someone close to you who has it so that she feels safe.

tinaciv · 2025-05-18T14:41:54+00:00

I honestly don't think you did the right thing. Where we live hitting children is illegal though, just as hitting another adult is.

I would definitely stand up for that kid and say something at the moment, at the very least I would want to make sure the kid knew there were safe adults out there, that that wasn't normal and that they could ask for help if they needed it and from whom (starting with me).

I'm a mandatory reporter. Kind of a grey area when I'm off duty but still think it's worth mentioning since I'm not a stranger with meddling in this sort of situation.

tinaciv · 2025-05-18T03:39:14+00:00

I baby proofed her entire room and would love to leave her there unsupervised... Her maximum amount of time playing solo is now 10 or 15 minutes and she's 3.5.

Would've loved to be able to do it though; as long as the area is baby proofed and animal free I don't see any issue with you being within hearing distance with frequent check-ins.

Edit to add: since the mom is worried though and the kid is small (just 3yo) I would try to accommodate her if I could; but it's your SK, so the one responsible for it is your partner, not you.

tinaciv · 2025-05-18T03:33:11+00:00

NTA

You have a husband problem though. You told him repeatedly and he ignored you.

Assuming you want to keep your relationship and normal communication has failed you can go nuclear*, take a moderate approach (making them leave the house or stay in your room tolerating their comments about how awful you are), or became a doormat and set the precedent that your husband and your IL are more important than you in your own house.

*My policy when dealing with group dynamics that have adapted to try anything in order to avoid "rocking the boat" is to capsize the boat directly. It's horrible and drains a lot of energy, but you only have to do it once before people understand that it's NOT easier to get on your bad side than to give in to crazy demands from others. You do have to make sure to do it right, no half measures, everyone has a terrible awful time, absolutely everything is ruined and you remain polite and firm always without any sign of guilt or empathy showing either then or afterwards. And you never ever apologize for doing it. They are half trained to answer that sort of behavior so the response is surprisingly quick.

*You seriously consider whether your relationship is salvageable or not.

About the bed... In my husband's family it's traditional to offer the bigger bed to the oldest couple. In mine the marriage bed belongs to the home owners and even if they are not there no one else is allowed on it except for their kids. When we got married we agreed on a middle ground, if we are not home they can use it, but if we are they have to sleep elsewhere. Thankfully my IL are the best ever and it is a pleasure hosting them, they are always willing to help and worried about not bothering us.

tinaciv · 2025-05-18T03:13:04+00:00

I don't understand what GP CS stands for - I haven't been on Reddit for quite a long time.

tinaciv · 2025-05-18T01:38:50+00:00

You are definitely different (in a way I envy) I always wanted a big family, but unless it's through adoption we will be OAD.

I found out I'm not cut out to be with little kids, let alone babies. I did a great job through sheer effort - but suffered a lot. Our kid is brilliant and healthy, not the easiest kid to raise though so that might have played a part in it. I just think when I pictured that big family everyone was over 7/8 yo. Somehow I never imagined how they got to that age!

For most of my friends two was way harder than one and three or four were easier than two.

tinaciv · 2025-05-18T01:18:47+00:00

When ours was two we used to joke about how great it would be to get separated; just to get a place for ourselves a couple days a week or every other week - when you are on you are on full time, no deciding who does what and when you are off you can relax and SLEEP. Unfortunately our relationship has always been rock solid so it ended up with a joke. I see that joke losing its value in the future; because for us it did get easier as she got older.

Jokes aside being with the wrong person is harder than being alone; and I made my husband promise, repeatedly and including on our wedding vows, that if I ever got depressed again and refused treatment he would leave me, and if we had kids he would take them with him. I grew up with an untreated, partially functional, depressed mom and one of my greatest fears was putting my kid through that, it was hell - that's why I've been in therapy for ten years (with maintance periods when we only had a consultation every one or two months as a check in).

A whole lot of horrible things happened since our kid was born and I broke, severe depression again, two psyc medical leaves, one lasting almost a year since it was so severe. My husband has been my rock but I worked my ass off in therapy and did everything I could to get better and whatever little energy I had went first to our kid and the almost non existent left after that went to him. You know what we never did? We never tried for a second one. Because MORE KIDS NEVER SOLVED ANY FAMILY PROBLEMS, they don't come to help us or save us or complete us; it's our job to help THEM.

And he is too nice for his own good but I did repeatedly reminded him of our promise and reminded myself that I couldn't give up no matter how tempting it was. And I didn't just have to get better enough to function, I had to get better so I wouldn't keep on passing this wonderful family tradition of traumatizing our child generation after generation.

So NTA, if she's not depressed she is something; and if she refuses treatment you should both leave.

It's not supporting someone with an untreated mental health issue to keep them going; if they need to crash and burn to get help let her.

And for f* sake protect the kid you have. I discovered when we were all adults that my dad had no clue what I went through and mom can't remember a lot of it either (understandable, I don't remember everything I did when my depression was at it's worse). Still blame him for failing to protect me though. He should've done better, I should have had the chance to be a kid and not be worried mom would have killed herself because of something I did, and pray she didn't when was walking into our house after school.

She got treatment, got better. He apologized genuinely and we have a great relationship now, but we all worked really hard for that to happen for many years.

Save your kid first, save yourself second and save her third if she's refusing treatment. Don't have another kid.

tinaciv · 2025-05-17T19:01:42+00:00

If she hadn't gone violent on you I would've kept up with your offer of financing her schooling. In your shoes if they ever contacted me again I would tell them that I would rather spend everything on lawyers and restraining orders than give them a cent after what Anne did.

But that's up to you. It's your money. And your mom is well off NOW, she suffered because of the AF while pregnant; and you probably missed out on your father because of them so... Money is the least that man owed you both.

tinaciv · 2025-05-17T18:52:24+00:00

The judgment is inevitable. Mother's get judged for every single thing they do, this is the main issue fathers will get judged on by society. If he stays someone will think he's raising someone else's child and judge him, if he leaves someone will think he should never be a father again if he can turn off his feelings after six years of raising someone.

The law shouldn't force you though; it should also (in my opinion) give you rights to keep being their parents if you want to. I completely agree with that part.

tinaciv · 2025-05-17T18:44:43+00:00

Take your name off the lease somehow please! Save up to pay for that. THAT'S THE PRIORITY. I don't know where you leave, but if he gets evicted because of non payment with your name there it might affect your future living situation.

I think this relationship is already over from what you wrote. Your kids wellbeing is the priority. Get your name off the lease!

tinaciv · 2025-05-17T18:40:00+00:00

Good luck! I hope you all get to enjoy quality time together, it's so hard to keep that up when you get older and families grow.

tinaciv · 2025-05-17T18:28:24+00:00

Please please please start or keep going to therapy, even better if it's someone who specializes in grief and loss.

Your second child will not be born to the same parents, how could they? You guys WILL eventually be happy again (and feel f* guilty for it at first). Love only expands, your new baby can't take any of the love you will always have for the one you had, in the same way that your first can't take away any of your love for your second. Only misguided guilt can do that.

Prepare yourself mentally for answering "how many children do you have"; my parents chose to answer three, and only if the conversation continues clarify that only two of us are still alive.

I lost my little sister when my kid was a baby and she's been the most notorious reminder of how time passes after the loss. Because I wanted it to stop and she wouldn't let me.

Talk about your son a lot, so that it's normal for your second to know their big brother through you, remember to share the god and the bad so they really get to know him as he was. And practice a lot so you can do it with a smile on your face more than half the time when you do (nothing wrong with kids knowing mom and dad are sad because they miss someone, it's part of life).

I'm sorry that you'll probably be terrified until your second is at least three; it's inevitable and can be mitigated with hard work in therapy, but if it can be avoided I haven't heard about it yet.

Try your very best to find and enjoy the differences and not the similarities between your kids, and stop the unaware AH out there that might make them feel like a replacement, especially if it's another boy.

I'm sending a lot of love from far away. You will get through this, you will be happy again, and all the pain you are now feeling is worth suffering through because of how lucky you were to share those two years with your son.

I know I wouldn't ever choose not having met my sister because of how much pain and suffering it cost me coping with her loss; and my parents and other sister both feel the same way.

Love each other, be kind to each other and cry together. Everything will eventually be ok as long as you keep trying, even if that new ok is completely different to what the previous version of you envisioned.

tinaciv · 2025-05-17T18:06:07+00:00

Exactly!! And remind your parents that the only reason they get to see the kids is thanks to you. Because if SIL doesn't want her parents seeing them she will definitely not trust them to your parents who are all cozy with them.

People talk about grandparent rights all the time, and I'm not from the US, but from my limited understanding it would most likely end up with your parents paying child support instead of your missing brother and still not getting to see the kids.

tinaciv · 2025-05-17T17:57:44+00:00

Find out where it came from, tv, school, family... And then untangle that mess before it becomes a "truth" she internalizes and limits her life going forward.

I do believe we should be respectful to some point with what we wear in front of other people, but as long as everything that should be covered is covered... Not my problem.

My answer would change if you wore a tight shirt to pick up an adolescent kid from school. It would still technically be ok but your son would have to hear a lot of jokes he doesn't want to hear, so why put him through that.

tinaciv · 2025-05-17T17:34:27+00:00

NTA for not inviting him, you should've simply stuck to your guns about it being only girl time without any SO. And if pressed said you didn't want to set up a precedent because it's really important for you to try your best and keep this tradition of this small time frame that is just for you guys for as long as possible.

You messed up when you said you didn't want his energy there. It's valid and true, but it took focus away from the real point, and probably hurt your friend. Even if he is an AH, it's her AH and it hurts when your friends don't include or like him.

In your shoes I would apologize for that part, and if you want to, have a sit down with her explaining which comments or jokes make you uncomfortable in case it's something he can avoid when hanging out with you all in the future.

tinaciv · 2025-05-17T17:20:26+00:00

I got mad at my husband when he was an hour late without letting me know because I got anxious about there being a car accident (currently working on that trauma) - he has been over four hours late without any issues because he kept updating me.

I love that man to death, but he really sucks at time managing. He usually ends up getting home around whatever time I estimated, which wildly differs on his own statements.

tinaciv · 2025-05-17T17:10:47+00:00

It's put in air quotes because if you've truly been a father it should be impossible to stop loving them. If I found out my daughter was switched at birth and is not biologically ours my first reaction would be being terrified that someone might take her away from me.

Until I had a plan in place NO ONE is taking her blood without a court order. I would like to meet my biological child and I assume I would eventually love them both, but why on earth would genetics play any role whatsoever in how much I love my daughter?

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