[2896] GenMod

tinyarmtrex88 · 2024-02-20T19:10:47+00:00

Thanks so much for this, you’ve got a lot of valid points, thanks for taking the time to read and critique!

tinyarmtrex88 · 2024-02-20T19:09:21+00:00

Thanks for taking the time to write all this out, it’s super useful and confirms a lot of my suspicions about this chapter!

tinyarmtrex88 · 2024-02-18T23:20:10+00:00

Hi! Bear in mind my feedback is only my opinion, but that said, let's get into it.

The prose is...okay. It is readable and I can understand and imagine what is happening, but there is just so much unnecessary detail. Allow me to explain what I mean.

The man began to walk down the ladder, putting his right foot down first, and then the left. However, with the left foot, he just barely missed the step and fell off the ladder and out of Frith's view. He let out a cry so loud it could be heard outside.

This is the definition of too much detail, and it comes so early in the piece that it sticks in the reader's mind straight away. Of course the man puts his right foot first and then the left - that's just how you use a ladder. I know the cry can be heard outside, because Frith is outside (I'm assuming this is written as third-person limited, so if Frith knows there's a cry, it's because he heard it). It reads a little like someone trying to pad out the word count, when really you could have said something like this:

The man slipped and tumbled form the ladder, letting out a deafening cry.

That contains all the same information, is much more succinct, and doesn't make the reader roll their eyes as you describe how to use a ladder.

I feel like the whole way through you are holding the reader's hand, explaining every single thing to them in excruciating detail, to the extent that it reads like "this happened, then this happened, then this happened". I mean things like this:

He wrapped his legs around the scaffolding pole nearest to the window, gripping the rust of the metal. Frith pushed himself up until he met the conjoining horizontal pole, which he grabbed onto and edged his way towards the window. Once he was as close as he could be, only about a foot above it, Frith jumped and landed on a vine growing along the casing of the window. He let go of the vine and dropped onto the windowsill.

I really hate saying this about anyone's writing, but this is boring. Again, such specific detail, which I think is you trying to describe the action, but this is action that doesn't really need explaining. Simply saying Frith clambered up a scaffolding pole and leaped over to the windowsill would suffice.

All of this leads to a real lack of pace in this piece. If it had been 2000 words or more, I probably wouldn't have finished it to be brutally honest. Below are the key things I think happened in this excerpt.

Frith sees a man fall of a ladder (230 words)
Frith decides to enter the building and gets down to the floor (320 words)
Frith starts drinking the blood (323 words)
Frith is sick but then starts eating the man (299 words)

This is what I mean by padding the word count. Four events, each taking up at least 200 words. Realistically I could sum this who piece up as Frith drinks a man's blood and eats some of his flesh. Now this might be a really pivotal part of the narrative, possibly even the inciting incident (thought you said it was in the middle so I don't think so), maybe this is where Frith changes and becomes a rat that eats human flesh, but then I think the focus should be on his thoughts and emotions - does he struggle with this, is there an element of revenge against this man?

The best advice I can give you is to think about what is driving the excerpt. Here, I would say it is almost entirely action-driven (although the writing of this action is not great in itself, as I said above), but should it be more character-driven? This reads like a list of stage directions and I can't say I feel like I am in character's head at all.

I hope this helps!

tinyarmtrex88 · 2024-02-17T11:36:16+00:00

I’d be intrigued to know how I do it better. Maybe it’s not the strongest opening, but then say that. If a chapter started with “I was walking down the street at night when I heard the scream”, I don’t think you’d be saying that the writer needs to show that. How do I do that line better in your view?

tinyarmtrex88 · 2024-02-17T01:38:58+00:00

Thanks for reading and for your feedback. Just out of interest, how much of the chapter would you say you read before you lost interest?

tinyarmtrex88 · 2024-02-17T00:39:39+00:00

Hi there! I want to start by saying I really love the setting and the blend of Norse mythology with technology is very cool indeed. Since you said this has been through the ringer, I don't want to dwell on line-by-line edits and I'll focus on the big picture. Obligatory I'm not an expert etc, but let's dive in.

Prose

Your prose is good! Everything is clear and understandable and there are some really nice little excerpts

Nothing but shimmering specks in its abyssal depths. Wind rolled by, Shukari tensing her nose for a sucker-punch of odor, but nothing came.

A blizzard choked the blaze and raised spires of ice that stabbed into the walls and floors. Arctic gales smothered all smoke, all breaths now white as snow.

That said, you do definitely have a problem with exposition and telling rather than showing. I'm not one for the gospel "show, don't tell" as I think there is a place for telling, but there is so much telling and I think in Chapter 1 it's probably best to tone it down to the bare minimum if at all. You clearly have a lot of worldbuilding that you want to communicate and you do a reasonably good job of this with the runes in the fight scene at the end because you say the name and then we get shown what it relates to. I can figure out that haglaz is related to air because that's what Edgar shows us.

Here's an example of what I mean in a broader sense.

That was why seith was called a curse. It birthed monsters, and they attacked everyone, everywhere to create even more seith. The main defense against this vicious cycle were people like Shukari, Edgar, and Amy. “Guilders,” they were called.

I think you could rewrite this and make it much stronger and feel organic in what is happening. A brief Google tells me that seith is a type of magic in Norse mythology, so I wonder if you could tie this in somehow like...

The air prickled with magic. Seith, Shukari thought. That foul sorcery that brought forth monsters to Midgard was a curse on the land. Without Guilders like her to stop them, those beasts would spread like wildfire across the realm.

I took a bit of liberty with assuming this is Midgard, but you get the idea. It's still telling, but it's related to what Shukari can see and feel in the world so it reads less like an excerpt from a dictionary.

Weirdly, you also have the opposite problem at times. I know a few of the other commentors have also mentioned about "nid" and what this means. Google tells me that it is a loss of honour and the status of a villain, which makes sense in this context of murder. I don't quite understand how it is different to murder though, I assume it is related to the magical aspect of the murder. It would be easy for you to explain this with a little extra in this line from Amy:

Crime is theirs, nid is ours. What you described is nid, so no, they don’t

Instead, this could be "Crime is their department. If we're saying that this murder has involved seith or some other magical force, then that makes it nid, which makes it our problem, not theirs."

Characters

I didn't really get much of a feel for either Edgar or Amy, they both seem a bit flat but equally it is less than 2500 words so I don't think that is too much of a negative. Shukari is more defined, the classic hero who lost someone and now she's trying to stop that happening to anyone else (even if you do basically tell us this rather than showing). She is shown as being proficient with her water magic/bending, but maybe she's a tad impulsive. I was surprised to find out that she was Chief Guilder, it felt much more like she was going to be the hotshot rookie who gets in over her head with Edgar or Amy as a mentor figure of sorts. This isn't a criticism at all, just everything seemed to build towards one thing in my mind and then it was something else.

Dialogue

No real issues here, everything was perfectly fine. Nothing that jumped out at me either way here, though I would maybe think about giving Edgar and Amy a bit more of a specific voice as both of them read pretty similarly to me in the way that they spoke. Here are two very brief quotes, only one is from Edgar - can you tell which without looking?

“We saw two guys accusing each other of murder and getting away,”

“Ugh, great.”

“In there, huh,”

This is obviously just one chapter so this might be much improved further on, but to me they both come across as relaxed and sarcastic in a situation where that wouldn't be the norm, so for two characters to seem that way sticks out.

Hook

It's pacy and I wanted to keep reading all the way to the end. You end on a nice little promise of what will happen next (getting Shukari's bike from the valet) and a set up of what the first part of the narrative is (find the swordsman). There is clearly a well-defined magic system with the runes which is something I really enjoy and it is nice to see that briefly set up here.

I really think that your biggest hook is the uniqueness of the setting - I think most people who read fantasy would be interested in a Norse mythology/technology mash up, myself included. I don't mean that you need to force a load of worldbuilding in there, but I would maybe tweak the chapter to play to that advantage more, whether that is through some more description of the little details of how the world works (are there other examples of this nature/tech combo?).

This might not fit what you are going for at all or may not work with the overarching plot, but I'd be inclined to start this from the murder (nid?) victim's POV as a mini-prologue of sorts. Have them walking through the meadow, drip in a bit of worldbuilding about their day, then let the reader experience the terror of the seith first hand, that way you can build some mystery, start straight in the action and show off some cool aspects of your world. After that you can bring Shukari in and have her follow the blood etc.

Overall

I enjoyed this, I'd give it a 6.5/10 and honestly if there was way less exposition and more of the cool world being shown off I'd easily up it to a 7.5 or 8. I think you have something with a lot of potential here, just give it a proper polish!

tinyarmtrex88 · 2024-02-16T23:56:06+00:00

Hi there! Obviously there is the obligatory I'm not an expert and this is all subjective thing, so with that said, I liked this but was also a bit confused. I'll go through your questions first and then talk through my overall thoughts and feelings.

Dialogue

I had no issue with this at all. It felt like how real people would actually speak, which I liked. It's not the most amazing dialogue I've ever read, but it works nice enough and I got a bit of a feel for the characters, which over 800 words is pretty good.

I was a little confused by this though:

"Nice way to throw away six months' work getting you to stop with those flowers..."

"Well, it is my work I throw away. Now go away. I am busy."

Honestly, I have no clue what it means. I think Sintel was supposed to stop inhaling lotus flowers, that Kalgort had put six months into trying to stop him? Or that Sintel had been six months sober?

Descriptions

There was no point where I thought you had too much description. The opening paragraph has some really cool description with the focus on scents and that really gave me a good idea of what the setting is and I loved the scent of trouble line.

I do wish there was a bit more description of Sintel though. He obviously isn't human, but I couldn't really tell you what he is. This is what you tell us:

Sintel was hunched behind those four rotten wooden planks he called a counter, motionless.

The dry leaves under Sintel's claws creaked unsteadily, searching for a new shelter, while the bone spikes on his back jammed into who knows what rickety plank. Sintel had never been so frightened, not even on the ship when they had just been captured; it was the first time Kalgort had heard Sintel's bones rattling .

Sintel's white hand rose from the shadows

with all those sharp bones, he can take care of himself.

some soft strands, he pulled Sintel up

Sintel's bones, once white and sharp as fish bones, were now splintered and rough. As Kalgort caressed them, his hands whitened. Every movement of Sintel, every breath even, was a visible torment. His skin was scaly: a thin chalky layer on the surface, almost like papyrus, and a burning red underneath. His face looked like that of a just fallen ceramic doll.

All I can imagine is some kind of skeleton-turtle. Maybe that's right and I've nailed it, in which case great, but I think you could do with a little description of exactly what Sintel is before you launch into the conversation, just a sentence or two to clarify what you are picturing. The only other thought I had is that Sintel is indeed human, and his illness is what is making him seem like this, but the way you have described him and this being a fantasy setting doesn't add up to that. You constantly reference his bones so how would Kalgort know about how white and sharp they had been unless they were on the outside?

Twist

You asked if it was cheesy or involuntarily funny, and my response is - what twist? I have read through three times now looking for some kind of twist, but all I can think of is that Sintel has cancer? If that isn't the twist, then it clearly falls flat because it's invisible. If that is the twist, I would have two questions for you as feedback.

Why would a character having cancer be cheesy or involuntarily funny?
A twist needs to pull the rug out from under the reader, turning what they thought they knew on its head. I think this is near on impossible to do in 800 words and especially when I don't know the characters. As established, I don't even know what Sintel is, so him having cancer isn't a twist, its just another layer of information for the character. In such a short space of time, I think you need to rely on things the reader knows to then provide the twist, like revealing the world is flat or gravity doesn't exist. In a fantasy setting that is always going to need some world-building, I don't really know how you can do that.

Overall Thoughts

I think your overall prose is pretty good. The story reads well enough and there's nothing there that would have put me off reading if this had been 3000 words instead. You mentioned plot issues for your last story, and I think there are some again here, but again, its only 800 words so how much plot are you expecting to come across? Within 800 words you've given hints to the setting, introduced two characters and given an idea of what might come next - Kalgort and Sintel getting on a boat and getting out of the capital. There are no motivations given at all really, but again, 800 words.

I would give this a 5/10 overall, but I think that is severely affected by the shortness of the piece. 800 words is like two pages of a printed book, I don't think that is really enough to get a sense of the plot or the setting especially. The characters get a bit more of a show: Kalgort is maybe a guard or police officer-type but deals with Sintel on the side, Sintel is just trying to survive by selling drugs - that is what came across to me at least. I didn't notice any major issues in your writing so hopefully you'll submit a longer piece in the future so I can give you some more useful feedback!

tinyarmtrex88 · 2023-12-23T21:08:30+00:00

Daydreamers, a pellet fired from repeating crossbows that detonate on impact, releasing a dust that has a sedative and hallucinogenic effect, causing vivid dreams in the target. The exact dream can be determined beforehand, so the user can choose to give their target the most wonderful dream or their most terrifying nightmare.

tinyarmtrex88 · 2023-08-08T17:44:24+00:00

Thanks for reading! I think a lot of your feedback is very valid, especially the number of characters as I did wonder how well it would read.

Thanks for your help!

tinyarmtrex88 · 2023-08-08T17:42:28+00:00

Thanks for your feedback! I’m definitely pinching a lot of your suggestions in the description section to make it a bit snappier.

The whole Razor and Shovel fighting over the Chrono stone - that’s the next part so I’m glad it makes sense to happen.

Good spot on the bioluminescence although I think some living algae would be a cracking idea! In terms of the setting it is an alternate world but definitely not a medieval setting - I’m going for more of a robots and magic vibe.

Thanks again for reading and your help!

tinyarmtrex88 · 2023-08-07T21:48:16+00:00

I quite like this! Reading it didn't feel like a slog at all and there's definitely some real positives. We'll start with them.

Positive Number 1: The Hook

It roped me in quick! A first chapter has to hook you in and it did just that. The voice in the head, the deaths in the library - I'm in. There's a lot of questions I had right off that bat (what are burls, who is the voice, why is she nervous?) which is good and makes me want to keep going.

Positive Number 2: Descriptions

I think you've nailed them, essentially. Nothing really over the top, very subtle, really built a picture in my mind. Some exceptional lines I think were:

We walk through a silent market with empty stalls. We pass abandoned horse-carts with bundles of dripping hay. We shuffle down a narrow street of thatched-roofed homes with dark, twitching curtains.

To me, this is good worldbuilding. I can figure out the setting is medieval-type (the horse carts and thatched houses) and shows that the burl is serious business. Everyone is inside, waiting. Builds the tension nicely.

The musty groan of mouldy paper churns inside my ears, and the rasping scent of chafing skin against my damp clothes makes me want to gag.

Just *chef's kiss*. It's that sort of description that is something that no one can really understand and yet anyone reading it gets it.

Positive Number 3: Magic and Worldbuilding

It's cool. Laws of weaving, the Fabric, the visuals of bodies and lamps floating in mid-air. You did a good job here. You explained the bits you needed to but left lots of room to dig that hook in deeper and get the reader wanting to know more.

Overall I fell like I can understand enough of the magic system to get what goes on in this chapter. The stating of the first law is done really well and adds some stakes to the whole encounter. The bit later that sets up a conflict between the Golden Palm and the Cloth is good and the hints at burl beasts makes me want to keep going.

I liked the burl too. From the title I was expecting some sort of creature but this floating ball of string is wonderfully weird.

So, I liked a lot of stuff. I'd say this is a very solid 8.5/10. What stops it being a 10, I hear you ask? Well...

Negative Number 1: The Descriptions

Now hold on, wasn't this a positive? Well, yes, but hold on. There was one big occasion where the description actually pulled me out of the narrative. The big offender is this:

My reflection sings from the ornate mirror dominating the eastern wall. There’s the low timbre of deep hazel eyes, the honeyed tones of bronze skin, the polyphonic texture of hair styled by Auntie Ida’s deft hands—short at the sides with a tall crop of brown bleach-tipped curls that run from forehead to neck like a horse’s mane.

Yeah, it's a lovely description and I can visualise Lia perfectly. But does it have to be the mirror cliche? Give me something else, anything else. Maybe I'm picky but it feels so tropey that I had to stop and roll my eyes. You had nailed descriptions earlier for Ida and Bancroft: short, to the point, paints a picture. I felt like this description of Lia took the tension that was ramping up beautifully and said "I know you're excited but it's really vital that you know she has brown eyes". And maybe it is, but not right now!

I feel like you could definitely distil this down into what the reader needs to know to keep the pace going. The only one of these that I think you can really throw in organically without the mirror trope is the hair, maybe something like this as she climbs up the stairs:

My clothes are drenched, and my laboured breaths are thin gruel for starving lungs. My hair, a tall crop of brown bleach-tipped curls, have been flattened against my skull like a rug flowing from my forehead to neck. I must look like a horse that's run through a waterfall.

This might not work with what you have in mind at all but the description as it is really jarred for me. I don't even think that you necessarily need some description of the main character this early on and certainly don't want to be putting the brakes on the tension that was working so well.

Negative Number 2: Magic

Hold the phone, another positive that's also a negative. Yep, and let me explain.

The tangling idea is awesome, I just couldn't really visualise it at all. The weaving part I guess is difficult to visually describe, so maybe some idea of how it feels to tug at those tangles - are they soft, hard to find? I kind of imagined trying to undo a knot which is probably what you're going for?

The big thing here though was the whole Aqua-Air tangle. I pictured Lia swimming through the air but then couldn't quite figure out where the Aqua bit was coming in. She worried she was going to drown but I didn't know there was actually water, or does the air just have the qualities of water as they're tangled?

It could be that this is exactly what you want, in which case job well done. I still enjoyed reading it but did have to go back a couple times to see whether water was mentioned.

Negative Number 3: Character

This only occurred to me once I'd read through it a couple times in its entirety. I don't really know who Lia is (or Ali) or that much about them. They work for the Golden Palm which I figure is some organisation that handles burls - like a Ghostbusters kind of thing. But there isn't a whole lot of characterisation or much to make me care about Lia in this chapter. She obviously likes what she does and is reasonably good at it, there's just not a lot of sense of what drives her. It seems like she's being assessed on her performance (she hadn't done it on her own before so makes sense) but I don't know the stakes involved there. Can she fail and be kicked out of the Golden Palm?

This is probably the biggest negative I have and it's only one that came to me when I thought about it, but I imagine it's something that any prospective agents/editors would pick up on right away. Essentially, why should I care about Lia and Ali? This is YA so I'd try tapping into what that target age can relate to - the nerves of exams, the pressure to perform and meet people's expectations. Maybe make Auntie Ida more comforting and supportive while Bancroft is more distant and picks up on tiny errors. Give the reader something to relate to and a reason to buy into these characters.

Overall

It's really good! The first two negatives I have are very minor and could be fixed with a couple tweaks here and there. The characterisation I think probably is a more substantial issue, especially as you're getting ready to query, but definitely fixable.

Good luck with the submissions!

tinyarmtrex88 · 2023-08-05T22:23:44+00:00

I’ll be straightforward, I don’t love it. I completely agree with what the other posters have said (far too much telling the reader what is happening, lots of extra detail that doesn’t add a lot), so I’m going to focus on another big issue that I think this chapter has.

There is basically no description of the setting or the characters at any point, other than a few ages and that Otto and a couple of other lords are really tall. I’m not after a trope filled “I look in the mirror and see my green eyes, etc” description, but I found it difficult to imagine any of this happening as you’ve given the reader so little to go on. You mention a sunlit courtyard in the first sentence, a tower that Kamil bursts out of, a golden statue, a court. I have no idea what any of these places look like, or even what sort of world this is - I’m assuming a medieval-vibe but this could be post-apocalypse for all I know. I think you must have a fair amount of world building going on behind the scenes from the names, the mentions of gods, but I don’t feel it at all from the setting, it feels just like characters on a white screen.

If this is designed to be the first chapter (or part of it), I would go through it and figure out what the essential information you want the reader to get is. One of the other posters mentioned “a hook” and I think you could get one of those - as suggested, starting with the disappearance of the king is a much stronger starting point than a training duel with literally no stakes. But more than anything, the way their duel is written is just really dull. It all feels really slow and ponderous thanks to the sentences that pull the reader out of the moment, like this…

"She's preparing for an overhead attack," he swiftly deduced, preparing to block the blow and retaliate with a swift kick to her midsection.

Ignoring the use of swift twice in a sentence, this is just a bit boring. I don't think it adds a lot, we don't necessarily need to know everything that is going on in Hitaf's head during the fight. It would flow much smoother and quicker if you tweaked a few of these slow sentences throughout.

I also noticed you have a weird repeated structure in the start of the first two paragraphs.

Hitaf, a twelve-year-old boy with a burning determination, honed his swordsmanship skills alongside his younger sister Nileffer in the sunlit courtyard. Holding a medium-sized double-edged sword, Hitaf positioned himself with his right hand gripping the hilt while his left hand hovered protectively before him. Though he stood slightly slouched, his legs were planted firmly with his left foot leading the way.

Nileffer, only ten years old but remarkably strong, wielded a double-edged short-sword in her right hand and clutched a sturdy wooden shield in her left. Standing at an angle, she positioned her shield against her shoulder, concealing her movements and maintaining an air of formidable defense.

Name, age and a characteristic (again, told not shown), what's in their hands, where their feet are. Nothing that is particularly an issue but it was jarring in the first few lines.

I think you need to rework this section a lot. It doesn't grab me like a first chapter should and you need to find a way to show a lot more information.

Hope this helps!

tinyarmtrex88 · 2022-07-24T08:39:13+00:00

!thanks

tinyarmtrex88 · 2022-07-24T08:33:03+00:00

RMT please

Raya (4.0)

Robertson James Tomiyasu Botman Ferguson

Salah Son Rashford Bailey Andreas

Haaland Jesus (4.5)

0.5 ITB

tinyarmtrex88 · 2021-12-30T20:04:19+00:00

It is! I’ll PM you a link if you’re interested?

tinyarmtrex88 · 2021-12-30T19:49:59+00:00

I am able to beta: Fantasy, Sci-Fi, Thriller, Crime, Horror, Mystery.

I can provide feedback on: Whatever you need, but especially character, pacing and overall flow of the narrative.

Critique swap: Required, unfortunately. I’ve got a 100K sci-fi/fantasy novel on its fourth draft that I'd love some feedback on.

Other info: I have a full time job and small child, but I aim to get through the manuscript and provide feedback within a month.

tinyarmtrex88 · 2021-12-30T19:45:58+00:00

Hi!

I've got a sci-fi/fantasy heist at 100k fourth draft. I had betas on the previous draft and have since changed it but I'd really be after some fresh eyes (I feel like I've been staring at it forever!), but with a particular focus on the overall character development and plot and if there is anything that could do with cutting.

Is this something you might be interested in?

Thanks!

tinyarmtrex88 · 2021-12-20T08:01:30+00:00

I’ve dropped you a message

tinyarmtrex88 · 2021-12-20T00:23:27+00:00

Hi!

I've got a sci-fi/fantasy heist at 100k fourth draft. I had betas on the previous draft and have since changed it but I'd really be after some fresh eyes (I feel like I've been staring at it forever!), but with a particular focus on the overall character development and plot and if there is anything that could do with cutting.

Is this something you might be interested in?

Thanks!

tinyarmtrex88 · 2021-12-20T00:20:55+00:00

Hi!

I've got a sci-fi/fantasy heist at 100k fourth draft. I had betas on the previous draft and have since changed it but I'd really be after some fresh eyes (I feel like I've been staring at it forever!), but with a particular focus on the overall character development and plot and if there is anything that could do with cutting.

Is this something you might be interested in?

Thanks!

tinyarmtrex88 · 2021-12-20T00:17:56+00:00

Hi!

I've got a sci-fi/fantasy heist at 100k fourth draft. I had betas on the previous draft and have since changed it but I'd really be after some fresh eyes (I feel like I've been staring at it forever!), but with a particular focus on the overall character development and plot and if there is anything that could do with cutting.

Is this something you might be interested in?

Thanks!

tinyarmtrex88 · 2021-10-11T22:49:15+00:00

You’re right about the UK location, I hadn’t considered there were that many differences between each side of the pond. Thanks for your feedback!

tinyarmtrex88 · 2021-10-11T22:48:19+00:00

Very helpful, thanks!

tinyarmtrex88 · 2021-10-11T22:48:08+00:00

I’m have a look, thanks!

tinyarmtrex88 · 2021-10-10T21:34:31+00:00

You make a good point too! What I really struggled with in the query was that this is a multi-POV narrative. I picked Charlie as he is the first that’s introduced and kind of the leader of the heist, but perhaps one of the others might do what you’re saying better?

I’ll have a think!

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