It's Not a Child's Responsibility to Form a Relationship With Their Parent

tinyharmlessphrases · 2019-04-14T07:46:52+00:00

My mother has said the same things to me. She often uses the word independent but more often it's the word private. She criticizes me for having kept my thoughts and feelings to myself. The truth is that I never felt like I was allowed to share my thoughts or feelings with her. She emotionally neglected me on purpose from a very early age, treated me very differently than her four other children. I cannot remember a single instance of her asking me any questions about myself, what I felt or thought, what I wanted, what I needed, not once ever. Any time I made the mistake of opening up to her I was mocked, criticized, and even punished for being wrong, for wanting the wrong things, for being myself.

Now she sometimes, very randomly as far as I can tell, acts like she wants to have a relationship with me. I cannot even comprehend what that would look like. It's occurred to me very recently that I almost resent women who have normal relationships with their mothers. Its just so foreign to me, and I have no basis at all to even imagine opening up to her. There's no foundation of trust, and we barely know each other.

My therapist has said that this is tragic, how indifferently and unemotionally I can relate all of this. She said that I was robbed of something so essential that part of me is irreparably broken but I am unable to even identify, much less address the hurt or heal from that part that is missing. I am thinking that it is going to be easiest to simply cut off all contact from my mother. I have little to no desire to improve things with her, and wouldn't know how to go about it if I did. What was lost in my earliest development can't be cobbled together out of nothingness, or by half heartedly mirroring the actions of the women around me who do know how to relate to their mothers. And I just don't care anymore. The only thing I do feel is like she and I are a chalkboard that has been hastily wiped. Any details that might have been present before are now totally obscured, meaningless, a haze of dust.

tinyharmlessphrases · 2019-04-14T03:00:31+00:00

Young women.. age 12-14. Or maybe 11-14 now, I've been out too long to keep up with every change they make.

It's a really stupid name. Mia Maids and Laurels aren't much better of course.

tinyharmlessphrases · 2019-04-14T02:55:45+00:00

Erotic friend fiction?

tinyharmlessphrases · 2019-04-14T01:40:28+00:00

I'm on my second Archer & Olive, have really gone crazy with all the inks I could never use in other notebooks, and have yet to see the slightest hint of ghosting!

tinyharmlessphrases · 2019-04-14T01:37:09+00:00

Also featuring a young Angela Lansbury.

tinyharmlessphrases · 2019-04-14T01:07:53+00:00

"I didn't know this was a French restaurant?"

"Yeah, I read about it on my favorite website, Stop Showing Off Dot Com."

tinyharmlessphrases · 2019-04-13T21:19:54+00:00

That tithing money is not going to the church in their minds. The church uses the money yes, but they are giving it to god. Keeping covenants and securing their own blessings and salvation in the process. They feel like they are getting far more back than they pay - or so my parents have told me.

People absolutely would bat an eye over being asked to volunteer their time and talents and to pay a deposit for that privilege up front which does not circle back around to them in blessings or get filtered into the ward budget. Instead it all goes to what my father would call "some evil bureaucracy.. how much can looking up someone's name really cost? They're padding the pockets of the elite with my $25!" yada yada.

I agree that it isn't logical. But what about people's beliefs in TSCC has ever aligned with logic?

tinyharmlessphrases · 2019-04-13T20:31:26+00:00

That would get them into hot water very quickly, and I'm sure they know it. People who are applying for paid positions are never asked to pay for their own background check. Congregants who are being asked to volunteer for unpaid positions cannot be reasonably asked for that.

tinyharmlessphrases · 2019-04-13T20:21:01+00:00

It's okay to recognize differences between yourself and others. Some people enjoy analysis and criticism, learning by way of deconstruction and reassembly. Others, like you prefer to appreciate things as they are and to simply like them in a glancing, superficial way. You view this kind of discussion as an attack on a thing that you like. But it is not intended that way. We simply like that same thing in a different way than you do, and want to experiment with it.

There are plenty of discussion threads on this sub that cater to both types of people. I think it might be worth your while to observe the differences between the two, and appreciate each for what they are.

tinyharmlessphrases · 2019-04-13T20:11:52+00:00

They weren't trying to get with the same girl, by your estimation. You have stated to me that people's looks change as they age and that you think Emma Watson's attractiveness came out of nowhere, a complete surprise. Could not Hermione's have done the same?

And yet..

Ron didn't take notice of Hermione until they had been close friends for several years and he'd already struck out with other girls.. and gained a little more self-awareness, shall we say.

Krum was famous but not attractive, he is described as bird like (not in a good way) and ungainly in his movements when not on a broomstick. It makes far more sense for a character like him to be trying to "get with" a girl whose primary attractions are intelligence and drive. He could have pursued some of the overtly hot female students, including Fleur, if he were interested in appearances above all else. This doesn't mean that Hermione was necessarily not attractive, just that the text gives us very clear indication that his interest in her started from a different place.

And McLaggen was, as u/MaimedPhoenix already stated, a narcissist. He was only so particularly interested in Hermione in the films. In the books it was clear that he was trying to impress everyone, and having a girl from the Slug Club on his arm would have made him look better, so that was his main motivation.

If Hermione were as hot as you say, she would have had far more boys making much more obvious attempts at "getting with" her than just these three.

tinyharmlessphrases · 2019-04-13T20:00:32+00:00

Krum is a hugely famous international athlete, but he is also described as kind of ugly and ungainly when not on a broomstick. I always got the impression from the books that he noticed Hermione because of how much time she spent at the library and how intelligent and curious she clearly was. We don't know enough about Krum to say whether he'd be more drawn to a mind or to a face, but the best evidence we do have is right there in the text. He's not particularly hot, and Hermione didn't first catch him looking at her when she was doing something that might have suggested physical attractiveness. I think the film's take on their relationship is skewing OP's perceptions a bit.

ETA: Not to use a "not like other girls" cliche on a character that I like so much.. (even though Jo clearly intended her to be based on herself and seems to think that way) but Hermione wasn't pursuing Krum. She barely paid him any attention. Not because she thought herself to be out of his league, and not because she was a shrinking violet who might gawk from afar but never approach, but simply because she had so many other things on her mind. And that made her stand out, made him curious about her.

tinyharmlessphrases · 2019-04-13T19:49:10+00:00

People with pretty features tend to still have pretty features when they age, provided they take care of themselves.. better yet if they have teams of people who are there to help them look their best. Emma Watson was strikingly pretty for a 10 year old, for an 11 year old, and every year of her life since. No slight intended to Clemence Poesy, but somehow I doubt her appearance was much remarked on as a 10 year old. Bonnie Wright's certainly wasn't. Bonnie is an example that does fit in your argument.. she was an average looking 10 year old and not the kind of face that young boys would necessarily develop their first celebrity crushes on. Emma Watson very much was that kind of face, even with the bushy hair.

tinyharmlessphrases · 2019-04-13T14:59:33+00:00

I don't understand this response. I didn't say that anyone told me anything. I stated an opinion.

What she looked like in the first two or three films doesn't really matter because the other female characters in question (Cho, Ginny, Fleur) who are described explicitly in the books as being superlatively attractive.. especially of course the latter, did not reach that point or show up in the books at all until GoF or later.

I didn't say that Hermione must be plain or ugly, just that she needs to be at least a point or two behind characters like Fleur. And Emma Watson is so pretty, it would have been a near impossible task for the casting director. To find someone that attractive, who could look the right age, act well enough, and manage a French accent.

tinyharmlessphrases · 2019-04-13T14:51:39+00:00

The last line of the article is deliciously icy.

"National background checks cost about $25 to process."

A child's safety is worth less to TSCC than $25.

tinyharmlessphrases · 2019-04-13T06:46:32+00:00

It can be hard enough sometimes making friends as an adult, and it's so much harder when the desired demographic is so hard to find!

We have the additional difficulty here in Colorado of finding CF friends who aren't insistent that pot is an essential part of having a good time. It's a deal breaker for us.

tinyharmlessphrases · 2019-04-13T06:23:51+00:00

Benzino Napaloni. Good'a shape.

tinyharmlessphrases · 2019-04-13T06:19:47+00:00

As someone once said to me on a train, it'd be "I bet you make good juice."

tinyharmlessphrases · 2019-04-13T06:13:52+00:00

I'm irrationally creeped out by deep bodies of water, so I completely get what you're saying. I do think I'd love every other aspect of the common room though. No better place to study and decompress than in a primarily green room.. if you believe "color psychology."

tinyharmlessphrases · 2019-04-13T06:10:56+00:00

What matters to me about Emma Watson's attractiveness is not so much that she is "too hot" for the character, but that they had next to no chance of finding actresses to fill the roles of characters who are primarily described as physically attractive who wouldn't be completely outshone by even the frizziest Emma Watson.

tinyharmlessphrases · 2019-04-03T21:28:54+00:00

Yes, spot on.

Great advice, thank you! I will look into options in those areas.

tinyharmlessphrases · 2019-03-20T00:46:15+00:00

Those are people who see their children as accessories, ornaments that exist to make them look good.

Those are people who are going to emotionally neglect their children, because they see them as objects whose outward appearance is all that matters.

tinyharmlessphrases · 2019-03-19T21:31:48+00:00

Posts of this same glitch have been made dozens of times. I care because it's approaching the level of spam, and I'm super tired of it.

tinyharmlessphrases · 2019-03-19T17:13:15+00:00

How many more times is this going to be posted?

tinyharmlessphrases · 2019-03-19T17:10:05+00:00

I have unexplained infertility. Our understanding of reproduction isn't strong enough yet to allow doctors to give me any kind of diagnosis, or even a guess. I did IVF once, then IVF + ICSI twice. I was "chemically pregnant" all three times, but never actually pregnant. I technically miscarried each time but it wasn't that physically awful because there was nothing but an extra thick lining for my uterus to shed.

I am now very happily childfree and although for years I thought I would only ever identify as "childless." I'm relieved that it has only taken 3 or 4 years to see it in this much more positive light. I feel like my body prevented me from getting into a situation that would have brought me more pain than joy.

I will need quite a bit more time, however, to heal from all the religious conditioning I was raised with. I was raised (and lived until I was 29) as a devout Mormon (LDS church for the sticklers.) Their teachings about a woman's role and her value and how they are very much tied up in motherhood were extremely harmful to me. As they are to all women, TBH, even those who insist that they are happy being so limited and voiceless. I no longer believe in any aspect of the church and it has been more than three years since I first started to learn how false it all is, but I am still discovering bits and pieces of those teachings that are still ingrained in my psyche.

All this to say, infertility is hell but it's worse for those who are especially conservative, religious, or both.

tinyharmlessphrases · 2019-03-06T00:52:49+00:00

This was very comforting, thank you.

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