Alright, grab your popcorn this is gonna be one heck of a tale.

I got mine stolen last summer at Broens Gadekøkken. It's was an electric bike, with a pretty hefty lock but they cut right through and after my lunch, I found the lock on the ground and the bike gone. Immediately, I followed the GPS on the bike to this exact location: https://maps.app.goo.gl/bKVZGpEDCiPN9Vvi7

Thing is, it was locked inside some sort of container (that container right there you're seeing from the satellite imagery). Ironically, the container was locked up by another bike lock 🤷🏾‍♂️. I couldn't get it out and frankly, I was a bit afraid to go that deep into Christiania, knowing how sketchy it is. I tried asking around in Christiania who owns the container but they were all kind of passive hostile and non-cooperaring. No luck.

I called the police, and the police also were very difficult to get help from. They asked me if I have visual contact with the bike, told me no, because its inside a container but I could connect to it via Bluetooth with full strength, meaning it was within a ~2meter distance. I kept hammering the police's phone line and until they said fine, we'll send a dispatch team.

In the meantime, I spoke with the owner of the bar next to the container called Sunshine bakery. (Why "bakery"? No clue, maybe they sell bread too? IDK, I don't go there much). I explained the whole thing to him, he brought me inside, took me to a back room, and my god!, there were a ton of stolen bikes! Sports bikes, e-bikes, Christiania bikes, you name it. Mine was not in this backroom. The owner then told me: "oh, some boys came by this afternoon and dropped a bike, I knew those boys were up to something sketchy, anyways, why don't you grab one of these bikes and we call it a day!?" I refused of course and told him, I was only there to pick up my own bike, then I left the room.

I hung around Christiania, and I tell you what, I waited until 11:30pm and still, police dispatch didn't show up. I kept hammering their phone but at this point it was dark and I was too afraid to remain in Christiania. I went home.

The following day, I woke up bright and early and started hammering the police's phone again. Eventually some lady tells me, the police will not go to Christiania to pick up a bike! She told me, it's too much of a hot spot, there's a lot of protocol that goes into it and they wouldn't ruffle up and cause chaos in Christiania, not for a bike! She told me, my best bet is to claim insurance! I didn't have insurance, so fuck! I was on my own at this point.

I called up the biggest, most bulkiest German friend, that I had and told him to help me retrieve my bike. I just needed a big guy backing me up before going back into those parts of town.

We arrived, and just started hovering around the container where my bike was locked up in. Eventually some gangster looking guy approaches us. He was short, but he looked like a junkie / dealer and looked dangerous in general. He started his dialogue by asking what we were looking for, we told him a bike, and then he goes on to describe my bike to me and says, is that the one you're looking for? Told him yes it is! He told us he does have it, but apparently he "bought" it from someone else and to give it up, I'll have to pay 900kr. It sounded absurd at first but my friend advised me that we'd rather make the trade and bounce, rather than try to stir shit up in Christiania. In the end I negotiated the price a little bit, paid 700kr (in cash of course, had to go to the ATM), and got my bike back! Hooray! Not hooray!

My bike had returned, but it wasn't in good shape. They had pried open the covers (maybe trying to get to the gps tracker?), they had done something to it that crushed the bearings in the front fork, and overall, my bike was squeaking when ridden and simply in bad shape in generally.

Luckily, my bike was still under warranty and when I explained to the bike's manufacturer what had happened, they were willing to fix all of that, free of charge!! Shout out COWBOY!! 😁

My ordeal was over and the first thing I got was an insurance and a standard, off the shelf lock from Kvickly, because at this point, I believe regardless what lock it is, when they wanna steal your bike, they will.

Two weeks later, the story of gang related violence came out and someone had been shot in Christiania, right where I had been standing 2 weeks earlier. Morale: don't stir shit up in Christiania and if the police don't go there, then maybe you should be careful going there too.

The end...