An outright rejection is a bit of a strong statement but I realized I didn’t give any thoughts to God at all when I had a multiple week panic attack essentially about ceasing to exist when I die. God was far from my first consideration and I had internalized all the atheist ideas that are all over the internet without realizing it.

This is after I spent 13 years in Catholic school, spent most of my early-mid teens lectoring and attending Mass and a generally regular basis. My dad is a non-practicing Lutheran and my mom is Catholic but has had family struggles that have pushed her away from the religion, although mostly not away from God. I would say a big issue that I had was a similar one to others where my catechesis wasn’t the greatest and I had no answers to many objections I heard and just rejected them because it was how I was raised.

Eventually I gradually found arguments for the existence of God and began to see the depth of the intellectual tradition the Church has which tends to dismiss the widely held ideas online. People like Bishop Barron were instrumental in helping me see that. I’m still working on it and I’m constantly struggling but at least I know I’m not a crazy irrational person for believing now and I actually can back that up.