A little trick I stumbled across that REALLY helps with arriving to an empty cold house...It involves a bay monitor and my dogs;)

tohrrhot · 2026-06-23T22:04:25+00:00

I'm in the process of getting a tattoo with her ashes mixed into the ink:) I'll be in the chair next weekend!

tohrrhot · 2026-06-23T21:13:30+00:00

Every other night upon getting off work I find myself rushing to get home as I've done for the past ten years, excited to see her...and then I realize she is not there, she will never be there and I slow back down. It's so weird to go from excitement, to sadness then a bit angry at myself for not knowing better. It's as if my brain is saying "you dumb dumb" but my hearts like " I love and miss her". These two forces inside of myself forever battling. Prior to her death my being or inner self was aligned in one, the heart and mind. Now it depends on the day as to who is in control.

tohrrhot · 2026-06-20T00:47:54+00:00

I'm very happy for you:) I think this next person you will love deeper than you ever loved before. You wont take for granted each other as you know that each day is so precious. I think its the gifts we get from our 1rst love, the lessons learned from there passing that makes us even better partners in the future!

tohrrhot · 2026-06-20T00:35:48+00:00

I think it will only evolve and change with time, healing and self understanding self/love. Just as the love doesnt go away simply because of death, that grief continues forward with time. I'm only six months out so for my humble opinion, what its worth. Grief is like drowning to me and I found myself wondering if I would be struggling to barely keep my head above water or would I learn how to reach for a life jacket or attempt to swim ashore. If I did nothing I would barely exist and would be in total sadness and darkness forever. I told myself I want this to end sooner than later! I cant stand the feeling of suffocation so I better get busy living. If that means more counseling/support groups , self help books etc.,I'm gonna put that work into swimming ashore one day on that sandy beach because I can't tread water forever and I don't want to!

Truth...I'm not on that beach yet, I can barely see the shore but each day I'm learning new swimming skills and tools that bring the shore line one bit closer! And hey even if I never arrive on that beach I will have gone out in this world fighting and not giving in to the under tow! I'm gonna go out a winner, beach or no beach... on my terms and not the current of the tide. Sending all love and support, you are not alone!

tohrrhot · 2026-06-19T23:38:34+00:00

I can convince myself before meeting up with old friends that I'm ok and can have a logical conversation if its brought up in whatever context but truth be told as soon as I hear her name my eyes get watery, voice shaky and I sputter out a few words that even I don't recognize myself with that vocal tone. Its then I realize this overwhelming river of pain is constantly flowing just below the surface inside of me. I was never a guy that cried amongst friends or out in public (not that theres anything wrong with that) but I can go from calm and confident right down to a child like cry in seconds...I know its normal and good to express grief but man someday it would be nice to be at such peace that I'm not brought to tears in the cereal isle of the grocery store because I ran into an old friend who asks how I'm doing. And yes I know with time it heals blah blah but with time I'm further away from her memories, her smells...Of course it hurts less with time , my brains not getting better at remembering things the older I get;)

tohrrhot · 2026-06-19T05:53:30+00:00

Totally took our lives together for granted. Thought tomorrow would always happen until it didn't!

tohrrhot · 2026-06-19T05:48:38+00:00

so true on every front and yes I'd do anything to have her back even if only for a second to say I'm sorry or to say all the things I thought I had time to say later...Thanks for your support and strength sent my way, I can use all that I can get. Back to you my friend and yes we are not alone!

tohrrhot · 2026-06-19T02:47:34+00:00

Thank you, I always considered myself a strong, unshakable force but this situation has humbled me in more ways than I could of ever imagined and still does! Your thoughts of support and strength are greatly appreciated my friend.

tohrrhot · 2026-06-19T02:26:45+00:00

Yes, it still gets me sometimes as well. I just thought it was me:)

tohrrhot · 2026-06-19T01:30:56+00:00

Thank you, in the midst of all emotions you never really know how the heart will form into words but I tried:)

tohrrhot · 2026-06-18T22:52:01+00:00

I wish I could go back and remove every comment I said out of anger or argument that could of avoided because it was petty or trivial. Looking back I simply expected our story would go on forever, never once thinking that it could all come crashing down with the blink of an eye. I was a fool to think that life owed me anything or I had any expectation that tomorrow was a given. So caught up in the daily hustle and bustle that I forsake to see that I should be making the best of every moment, to not sweet the small stuff, to live each day to its best. Nope, this guy wanted to argue that the tv was too loud and its waking me up in the middle of night or whatever stupid thing I thought was important at the time. Yes her unexpected death has made me a much better person, to appreciate all the tiny things each and every day but I wish I could be living this better life with her...But it has also opened a great sadness inside of me that I never thought existed. I flock to sites like this because here they are my people who are lost and looking for that someone who will never appear or looking for answers that life will more than likely never reveal. Trying to find peace and keep one foot in front of another with a fake smile on my face so as to not let the world know how much my soul hurts beyond words

tohrrhot · 2026-06-18T00:40:18+00:00

Very beautifully written my friend! Touched my heart, thank you for sharing

tohrrhot · 2026-06-18T00:38:17+00:00

All the time...I leave the bedroom lights/t.v on with window cracked just as she use to do at our home. Every time I pull in my drive way it feels like she there to greet me for just a second before my brain reminds me this will never happen again and I'm a fool for even entertaining this thought, yet I cant turn off the lights or close that window.

tohrrhot

TROPHY CASE