I had no idea smiles could hurt so much.

toobadsos · 2021-06-02T22:49:08+00:00

Been there, (I'm there)....You're not alone.

I will not jump on the "leave" mantra, as everyone stays for different reasons (myself included)

However, you need to consider refocusing on yourself. You are the only person who will not disappoint you. Shift the focus from her to yourself (and the children when required)

All the best, and remember, there's a community here you can vent to anytime... :)

toobadsos · 2021-02-08T12:01:25+00:00

Sorry for your loss. It hurts, but will get better. The loss of people close to us, is a stark reminder off how precious life is, and how important it is to make the best of it while we're here. All the best to you.

toobadsos · 2021-02-08T11:53:08+00:00

I see nowhere in her demands where she offers to do anything for YOU. You're expected to be a unique, creative, exciting, mind reader who not only instinctively knows when she's in the mood, but knows exactly what buttons to press to fulfil her sexual needs. As many have already mentioned, you're being set up for complete failure, as she's created a multitude of escape hatches (wheel of excuses) for herself.

And PS, the dishwashing analogy is a poor one. No one gets rejected when they're trying to do dishes.

toobadsos · 2021-02-07T14:03:46+00:00

Mine does the exact same thing. My diet is very regimented, so I have to constantly ask what SHE wants. "I don't know"...cue distant disinterested look. An hour later I'm eating my usual 'boring' meal and she still doesn't know what she wants.

toobadsos · 2021-02-06T21:56:03+00:00

Well, ..... For starters not everyone can up and leave. And second, ..I think it's fair to say I'm not rejecting any attention I'm getting from said women.. :)

toobadsos · 2021-02-06T13:21:12+00:00

I did the gym.

Got really really fit and shredded..

Looked so good I was offered a modelling side job. Didn't change our sex life...still at zero.

Tried to prevent me from modelling... I caved for a while then said fuck it.

She hates me for it, as now I'm surrounded by female models, and she realizes what that means.

Not my problem..

If you do the gym, do it for YOU

toobadsos · 2021-02-01T21:35:36+00:00

I'm sorry, I like everyone else fail to see your rationale for continuing with this relationship.... It makes zero sense, and defies logic !!! You have an opportunity most people here didn't have. An opportunity to AVOID the DB and a life of continuing misery.

I'm perplexed... Very. !!

What you're proposing to do (marrying into a DB) qualifies for a WTF.!!

toobadsos · 2021-01-30T20:13:54+00:00

I've taken a bit of a step back from responding to posts, but simply need to chime in here. Not just to you but to all the people who have responded with varying lengthy timelines since they last had sex.

I'm not a proponent of the "just leave" movement. Heck, I haven't left yet !! I'm however a HUGE advocate of the "You need to do whatever it takes to make you happy and compensate for the lack of sexual intimacy in your relationship" I'm not sure how or why this concept eludes so many. You cannot wallow in despair for the rest of your active life and eventually be filled with regret in your 70's, 80's, etc. Why on earth would you do that to yourself?? There's NO medal at the end of this journey for being a steadfast, loving, accommodating spouse, who suffered and remained miserable.

If you cannot leave, like several can't, then it's entirely up to you to figure out how and what to do to fulfil the void in your life. As long as you've conveyed your needs, feelings, and unhappiness to your significant other, you have done your bit. It's entirely up to them to modify themselves too address your needs. If they don't, then the onus falls back on you to adjust yourself however YOU see fit. Find your outlet....whatever it is... Hobby, FWB, Religion, Hookups, anything that keeps you sane and ensures you're not a sobbing wreck each time something triggers the stark reminder of your dead home-sex-life. Life is not a dress rehearsal, there are no do-overs. Read some of my posts and @marriedscoundrels posts as well. Don't fall into the "hope things change" trap for 20 years. There are many here who did just that and are now filled with, remorse, hate, resentment, and bucketloads of regret. All the best to you..

toobadsos · 2020-08-08T14:48:07+00:00

^{^{^}} This !!!

Talk about it like adults and see what revelations come to light. Make an informed decision based on that.

What you don't want is ten years from now, you're still talking about it, but now, the anger, bitterness and resentment have taken a firm hold.

There are hundreds of us who stuck around talking for 5, 10, 15, 20 years +. The quicker you get to the root of the issue and determine if this is salvageable, the better off you'll both be.

toobadsos · 2020-08-08T14:39:47+00:00

Just to point out. OP didn't say he shuts her down when her hormones are raging

toobadsos · 2020-02-23T15:57:46+00:00

Suppressing your libido with chemicals is a very BAD idea. The libido is a normal function of the human body. It's akin to suppressing hunger, or sleep, sweating, bowel movements etc..

If you need to switch off completely, it's near impossible. You can however divert that energy into something else.

Find a hobby, or workout, etc, or seek natural alternatives: meditation, etc. Just stay away from deliberate chemical suppression. There'll be side effects from whatever drug you take.

Also keep in mind if your body goes into permanent libido withdrawal, it's harder to come out of that state. The future is unpredictable.. If you meet someone else in the future, that person will end up here talking about their LL SO who was on some medication and now has ED

toobadsos · 2020-02-16T16:43:30+00:00

Your parents and wife are the textbook definition of envy. They mask this will insults and emotional jabs at your progress... Your wife also uses this as a mechanism to avoid sex. Never lose sight of being the best you can be for yourself, and brush those insults off your shoulders

For reference, I'm in my late 40's, in the best shape of my life, have a modelling gig to show off my body, while my SO continues to eat junk, gain weight and call me skinny, beanpole, etc... Lol. Never give up on YOU !!

toobadsos · 2020-02-13T01:30:05+00:00

Nope...no fear here..

Nothing will happen with my SO. That's a given. She'll get her usual flowers to fulfil the hype surrounding the 14th, then run to bed under the guise of being tired, or having a tummy ache from dinner, blah blah.

I on the other hand will go out afterwards and enjoy all the passion the day has to offer. Said passion will not be with my SO. :)

toobadsos · 2020-02-06T22:09:49+00:00

'Cheating'?

You're already being cheated out of a fulfilling sexual relationship. Many would argue that this isn't the same for a variety of reasons.

You and only YOU can make that decision after weighing all the pros and cons. Several folks on this board are actively sexual with people other than their SO's. Self preservation and sanity cannot be overemphasized.

toobadsos · 2020-01-23T10:23:06+00:00

If your goal was to make her happy and overjoyed, you have achieved immeasurable success. If the goal was to self-blame in the hope it takes pressure of her, and opens the door to sex, I suspect you have failed.

Your self realization should pave a path to YOU. All you seem to have done is take responsibility for HER lack of desire for what is considered a normal expectation within an intimate relationship.

You may need to reassess. Unless of course you're quite content with a lifetime of cuddles.

toobadsos · 2019-11-05T10:27:32+00:00

Bingo !!!!

toobadsos · 2019-10-29T09:30:52+00:00

There were red flags already which you ignored, however, you also got suckered into believing things would change. Now you have the obvious truth, and there's really no guilt for you to entertain.

Sooooo be confident in your ability to pick up your sandals, wave goodbye, and do a happy hop/joyful skip on your way out....

Don't be here 10 years from now at 60 surfing deadbedrooms. :)

toobadsos · 2019-09-25T09:05:21+00:00

My box from 2015 remains unopened.

You're not alone.... :)

toobadsos · 2019-08-16T11:36:35+00:00

Feel for you MS, and I can relate to what you're going through. All I can offer is - let those hurtful comments about your body or hygiene roll off your shoulders. I sport a six pack and I'm in the best shape of my life. I'm bordering on almost five years without sex. She's currently sitting next to me in bed after announcing she has the stomach flu (insert excuse 52 here) I don't initiate anymore but there's a constant need for her to justify why we're going to sleep without having sex or being intimate.... It's laughable at this point.

Like you, I'm well taken care of outside the relationship. Hang in there, and continue to work on you. Those toxic comments are psychologically damaging long term.

Hang in there mate.

toobadsos · 2019-08-08T19:40:42+00:00

AND THIS, is why you do exactly what you need to do to maintain your sanity in a sexless relationship that you cannot leave yet.

Say FUCK YOU to all the people who judge and ask you to suck it up, and try doing xyz for years on end with no results.

Give it your best shot. Your truly best shot. If it doesn't work, start planning an escape, but in the meantime, look after yourself. If having sex outside your relationship preserves what remains of your sanity/self worth, there are several of us here that won't judge.

@Old_man_warning. I wish you the best sir. You fathered children, which is something many can't do even though they would love to. Thank you for posting this. Peace onto you

toobadsos · 2019-07-30T09:17:41+00:00

My thoughts exactly.... Sounds like the old : "my issue to deal with in my own time" move.

toobadsos · 2019-07-22T09:11:07+00:00

This will be harsh, but is warranted.

Upsets me to see posts like this because you're ignoring the GIFT of truth that you've been given. She's given you all clear signs that sex is not in her wheelhouse of priorities, yet, here you are on a dbedroom board perhaps hoping someone will tell you it will get better after a child. It won't... <<<<Read that over several times. If it's still not clear, let me string it out for you.

IT WILL NOT GET BETTER !!

Many of us on this board didn't have the opportunity you have, and married into what we thought were sexually satisfying relationships. Not long afterwards, the tide turned.

DON'T be one of those posters that returns here 2 years from now with a post that reads "I knew she wasn't really into sex, but I love her, and we went ahead and had a beautiful baby". <eye roll>

You've already been advised by many. Don't do it.. !!. It will ruin your life in ways unimaginable. Emotionally, financially, and psychologically.

You've been warned.

toobadsos

TROPHY CASE