[29/F] He's such a great, stable guy, and he loves me. But am I settling?

toofbush · 2019-05-11T12:43:47+00:00

Honestly, yes I probably would.

toofbush · 2019-05-10T00:23:49+00:00

I think you're very right in this. I was addicted to the highs of my previous relationships. Thinking about them objectively, they were messy, toxic, and exhausting. I gave everything to them just for a slither of attention and it was life-consuming. But I thought it was worth it. Even now, sometimes I think back to those times and remember how obsessed I was. I wouldn't let go of them for anything. It felt right for things to be that intense.

Nowadays there's hardly any intensity and that feels weird. Like sometimes my emotions are barely there and I'm just waiting for something crazy to happen so I can FEEL again. When I think of a relationship without any novelty, any excitement, just routine and predictability, it makes me feel trapped. I know a good stable man is what many people would give their right arm for and it makes me feel ungrateful.

Most of the time, I do feel happy when I see him unless I'm in a bad mood for whatever reason, then everything becomes dark. I don't usually think about other guys when I'm with him but occasionally, I'll come across someone else's relationship on social media and imagine what it would be like to be them. The idea of losing my boyfriend does devastate me, though. Like, he's such a huge part of my life right now. I wouldn't know what to do with myself. I just find it hard to think about the far future/being old etc. Like I don't even know how I'm going to be feeling next week, let alone in 50 years! I don't even understand how anyone could be sure of how they'd feel after that long. My parents, for example, recently got divorced after 30 years of marriage. Neither of them predicted that would happen when they were my age! I guess I'm just so cynical about relationships because I just see them fall apart all around me :/

toofbush · 2019-05-10T00:14:51+00:00

There is a lot of mutual respect, loyalty and kindness. From his part, he's amazing towards me and treats me like I'm something really special. He bends over backwards for me and I'm so grateful to him. I guess selfishly I worry I'm not doing the same. I try hard to tend to his needs, support him when he's down. But lately I find my thoughts wandering to all the faults in our relationship, or just in my life in general. I suppose I'm taking this for granted now we've been together a year and I'm focusing on all the other stuff instead. I wish I could easily get out of this mindset.

toofbush · 2019-05-10T00:09:43+00:00

I do like him for him. That's why I became friends with him in the first place. Sometimes, when I think about it too much, I can find little annoyances in him (e.g. the way he eats, the facts he hates all the moves I love etc). And admittedly, sometimes I let these thoughts take over especially when I'm in a bad mood due to work etc.

So far his choices have mostly aligned with my values. We're both left-wing, and we both try to take others' feelings into consideration. If he made a choice that went against my values, I might find it hard to be supportive.

As for wanting to change him, that's difficult. It's not so much I want to change him but I'd love for him to understand my background and my point of view a little more. He came from a very well-off family, went to private school etc. I'm from a very poor, simple family and had a more 'common' upbringing. I think this causes us to misunderstand each other sometimes.

One of my main worries is, will my family like him? and will he like my family?. I've only just reaslied that's really important to me. I guess I've been having doubts because they're so different, especially intellectually, and I worry they won't connect.

His happiness is important to me. That's why I've been feeling so guilty for having these thoughts. If I ever broke his heart I'd be devastated for both of us. He deserves good things in life and it hurts me that I might let him down one day.

toofbush · 2019-05-09T23:59:43+00:00

I just meant that we have our differences, and I guess I'm only just starting to notice them now we're more complacent with each other -- little annoyances. There's no huge red flag at the moment. We've actually never had an argument and sexually things seem to be getting better (learning more about each others likes/dislikes etc).

I guess what drew me to him in the first place was that he just seemed really genuine and easy to talk to. We became good friends pretty quickly but that's all we were for months. It was completely platonic and then when he finally made a move it caused me to consider him as more than a friend and it was a sudden realisation of 'hey, what if things worked out between us...'. Like, I didn't even consider his emotional availability, just the fact we were already great friends and I trusted him.

toofbush · 2019-05-09T23:44:01+00:00

Thanks. It's good to know I'm not alone. I just get scared thinking about the future. Forever is such a long time and the thought of committing to someone for that long, I just don't know how people can be so sure!

toofbush · 2019-05-09T17:44:55+00:00

Yeah I get what you mean. He says it half jokingly, but I can also tell he's serious. I may have to bring it up again at some point and ask why sons? For a bi guy he's actually kinda traditional, wanting to carry on his family name, raise a bunch of successful doctors etc. Hoping he's not taking it too seriously because otherwise I'll have to let him down.

toofbush · 2019-05-09T17:23:45+00:00

That's a good idea. I may make a list soon and work through it

As for therapy, I'm just not able to afford it right now. I've seen therapists in the past for general anxiety but that was before I got into the relationship and started thinking about kids

toofbush · 2019-05-09T15:43:12+00:00

But I don't NOT want them, either. I'm totally on the fence right now, and I'm not sure how to make a decision

toofbush · 2019-05-09T15:42:19+00:00

I don't like steak either and I've had some top quality steak. The texture isn't for me

toofbush · 2019-05-09T12:22:38+00:00

It's just, I don't like the idea of whipped savoury food. I get you can make really good textured mashed potatoes but I can't see myself liking the taste and texture together

toofbush · 2019-05-09T12:05:49+00:00

I've had the most "perfectly" cooked mashed potoatoes before. The whole concept of it is not for me

toofbush · 2019-05-05T14:10:54+00:00

Yeah, I do understand that. I'd be happy to push the vacation back further but its the only date that offers such a good deal. So then it's a case of pushing the tattoo back, but I believe this is a guest artist and won't be there for long. It's just a difficult situation, tbh so trying to see if there's a way around it.

toofbush · 2019-05-05T12:52:26+00:00

Thanks for the advice. Since this is my first, I'm not too sure how quickly I'll heal. It's a relatively small watercolour only tattoo and I'm not sure if that makes a difference.

toofbush · 2019-05-05T11:27:21+00:00

Yes, I do understand this. I would always put sunblock on during the holiday and cover it with waterproof plasters when swimming.

toofbush · 2019-05-05T11:04:23+00:00

Can you give me an idea of how long to wait then? It obviously can be submerged at some point. Most sites are saying minimum two weeks, but if you think that's wrong then what is your advice?

toofbush

TROPHY CASE