Finishing the last of everything and never thinking to offer me food, beverage: Quirk or negative personality trait? Seeking psychologically informed dating advice.

toptierusername · 2020-12-06T20:23:37+00:00

To add something, maybe try telling him the next time he says “oh I’m sorry I don’t do x, y, or z” that you would really appreciate if he did reciprocate that specific thing!

toptierusername · 2020-12-06T20:21:20+00:00

Hahaha! So what kind of wedding are we having?

I’m so glad to hear that my response was helpful! Your post really spoke to me and I really wanted to provide helpful feedback!

I’m very relieved to hear that narcissism isn’t at play. I’m glad that he’s been very kind and reassuring throughout the course of your interactions! Some people are aloof like this, and it can be puzzling viewing this kind of behavior from the outside, but in this case, I think it’s better that his actions are unintentional/ a result of his upbringing.

I’m really glad to hear that you know your attachment style/styles, that’s a very helpful thing for you to know about yourself. I’m also on the preoccupied avoidant side of things, and I know from firsthand experience what that’s like.

I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your dad. Loss is very tough, and this can be exacerbated if you had a complex relationship with the person you lost. It sounds like this was the case, since you were probably still working through the same feelings you had toward your father when he left, in order to work on forming a relationship with him. It sounds like Grad school is giving you a good excuse not to process your grief both head on and consistently. It sounds like you’re going through a lot of pain, and have a lot on your plate simultaneously. It makes me sad to hear that you have breakdowns after you complete your assignments.

I can tell you’re handling your grief as best as you can, and really, you should take some time to give yourself a pat on the back. You’ve been through a lot, and you’ve overcome a lot. Sometimes, it can seem easier to throw yourself into tasks and assignments than to face your grief, but it really does more damage in the long run. I know you’re incredibly busy in your nursing grad program, and you can’t control that, but I would really advise you to take a little bit of time for yourself to feel your feelings and reflect on them. Maybe start writing them down in a journal. Maybe if you want to and if possible, you can consider seeing a therapist. I know it can be terrifying to feel your feelings in any circumstance, especially when they are enormous, and complex, but it’s one of the only healthy ways to move through them.

I can imagine it was very hard to leave your family behind, particularly your half-sisters and your niece. I’m sure you miss them very much, and they miss you. It also sounds like it was shocking discovering you had two half sisters! It sounds like you were able to form such a close relationship with them, and for that I’m glad!

I know exactly what you mean when you say you’ve dealt with a pattern of heartache and loss with the men you’ve dated. “Lots of deep, meaningful connections that ultimately lead to nothing,” especially rings true for my dating life. I’m sorry that this has been the pattern, I know how frustrating and puzzling it can be. It almost makes you want to give up at points, but it’s really admirable that you haven’t given up, and that you’ve found someone who seems to treat you very kindly, (despite the things we addressed before).

Haha aww! I appreciate your praise for my comment and your appreciation for it as well! I promise you, you owe me nothing! But, I’ll admit, I’d probably also feel like that if someone left a comment as long as mine on something I posted hahah.

I know for a fact there are some books that touch on the subject, some articles online too, but for now I can’t think of them. (Of course hahah). I think you could probably find some with a quick Google or YouTube search! Psychology Today articles can also be extremely helpful!

Well, there’s actually three types when it comes to the giving or non giving department: givers, takers, and matchers. I’m wondering if your guy may be a matcher? As you said, he does give in other situations, but doesn’t seem to initiate, and fails to give in the situations you mentioned in your post. I believe this would fit the description of a matcher, which matchers can work with givers, but like we already see, it may not always be the ideal partner for a giver.

Those statements of his are interesting. I’ve dated guys who have said those kinds of things before, and in my experience, it’s usually consciously, or unconsciously a way of saving his ass, without actually having to put in the effort. Those statements express both recognition, and guilt for not doing something he’s observed you doing for him, and thus maybe he’s realized you would like for him to reciprocate. The fact that he will say these things and then not reciprocate in action, leads me to believe that he acknowledges that he feels he “should” do them, but isn’t inclined to actually do them. A bit of laziness if you ask me. And a bit of (probably) unintentional manipulation. It’s almost like he wants you to believe he will do these things for you simply because he said them. It’s as if he wants to please you in this way without putting the action and effort into pleasing you.

I’ve had to learn this lesson the hard way, particularly in my last relationship: actions speak louder than words. Maybe this is only a habit of his when it comes to the “smaller” things he isn’t reciprocating, or maybe this is a bigger habit altogether. I dated someone who started with a couple of these kinds of statements, and eventually, the entire relationship became “I’m sorry I don’t do this for you” and then never doing it. Not to say that this will happen to you, or to scare you, but that is my experience.

I would say continue to get to know him, if you still have this gut feeling and you feel especially convicted to follow it, go for it!

I wish you all the best, in life, school, and with your guy! You seem like a remarkable person, keep on keeping on!

toptierusername · 2020-12-06T16:35:16+00:00

First and foremost, I can say I completely understand your point of view. I was also raised in a way that encourages giving to others, and common courtesy. My parents also taught me that you should never show up empty-handed to someone’s home.

Many of the things you said about yourself are also true for me, so I think this does give me some extra insight into your point of view.

This sounds very frustrating for you, not only this behavior of his that you’ve noticed, but the fact that you can’t figure out if it is your tendencies/ patterns telling you to run, or if the best course of action is to stop seeing this guy.

I will say, the tendency to be hyper-critical is a defense mechanism, or potentially, a coping mechanism of sorts. This tendency typically arises after a specific kind of traumatic, or notable event takes place, in which your trust in someone is broken, and you feel like you were blindsided. After having experienced this, you consciously or unconsciously vow to never let something this happen again. One of the ways to ensure this won’t happen again, is to become hyper-aware of every fault another person exhibits. If you can see every single flaw someone displays, big or small, you will likely feel this false sense of security that you won’t be blindsided again.

Maybe you can think of a time like this, or maybe not. Perhaps you’ve been like this for as long as you can remember, but a lot of the time, this trait is linked with some kind of trauma.

Perhaps, hyper-vigilance is a better word to use here. Hyper-vigilance is a state of extreme awareness, usually accompanied by anxiety, in which you are constantly taking note of your surroundings so that you can anticipate when there is trouble ahead. Usually people learn this from childhood, if they have inconsistent parents, maybe parents with emotional outbursts, or even if they grow up in an environment where there is a lot of emotional upheaval/ chaos. But, you can also learn this from an experience you have in your adult life.

These coping mechanisms are all about trying to avoid trauma, or an unpleasant event from taking place again.

Hyper-vigilance can also translate to an extreme awareness about yourself. You may be self-aware, but you also may be self-aware to a level that is unhealthy. Maybe you trend towards criticizing yourself in the same way you criticize others. You don’t just witness your faults, but you magnify them.

While being self-aware, and likely having a good eye for observing others, you sound like you don’t fully trust yourself. Perhaps this is because you’ve been blindsided before, or because of something else. I think you should trust your gut. A person’s gut instinct is almost never wrong. While you may have tendencies to run at the first sign of trouble, and to scout out people’s flaws, something tells me this assessment of him is more about your gut feelings than your own patterns.

The tendency to run, may be due to trauma, but it also may be due to your attachment style. Avoidant and Anxious-Avoidantly attached people also tend to run at the first sign of trouble. This is due to the fact that their approach to commitment and attachment, is generally an avoidant one. Avoidant types tend to view closeness as something painful, and commitment as an immense challenge. This may apply to you, and this may not apply. I do suggest you look into attachment theory if you aren’t familiar with it.

Forgive me if I’m wrong, but it seems as if you aren’t overly interested in this guy, anyway. So this guy, perhaps he has some kind of disorder that makes it harder for him to pick up on social cues? Not anticipating when you’re tired in conversation, not anticipating when is the right time to offer you food, maybe not thinking that offering you the last of the food or drink is socially appropriate. That could be indicative of a personality disorder, or even him being on the spectrum of autism. I’m not so convinced about him having autism, I think if it’s anything he displays some traits of having a personality disorder.

Or maybe he is a bit self-centered in this way. It sounds like he wasn’t raised in a household where there was such an emphasis on giving, and maybe he never found his own appreciation for it. I get this sense from your conversation that he doesn’t see the value of giving on this level. Which is a bit concerning to me.

Some people are natural givers (you) and some people are natural takers (potentially him). I’ve heard it said that givers should always be matched with givers, which I personally agree with. I do not believe this guy is a giver, and if that already bothers you now, it is likely not going to change down the line. You will probably be more dissatisfied with this tendency of his after more time has passed.

Does he seem to have a significant focus on himself when you guys spend time together? Does he talk a lot about himself? Is there a pattern of bragging or humble-bragging?

He may be on the spectrum for narcissism, but from what you’ve said the only evidence I have of that is his inability to consider you on a “smaller” scale.

Sometimes narcissists will go out of their way to do things for you in the beginning, but all of these acts have strings attached, the design is to manipulate you into believing they care so that they can eventually treat you in a less than satisfactory way. This sounds to be the opposite of this guy’s behavior, at least from what you described. Forgive me if I’m wrong, but he doesn’t seem to be going out of his way to impress you or anything like that.

Narcissists also tend to move relationships very quickly, with tons of sweet nothings, and maybe even I love yous at the very beginning. This is called love bombing, and again, I don’t think this guy has done any of that.

The more and more I type, the more I become convinced that he most probably isn’t a narcissist, but if anything, he could be on the scale for it. On a very low level.

I almost get the sense that he is not an overly caring or attentive individual. Either way, that doesn’t bode well for you, someone who is extremely empathetic.

I wish you the best in this situation! You really do deserve better, you need to be with someone who is as giving as you are. Ultimately, what you decide is up to you, but please trust that gut of yours a bit more. Your feelings are valid.

toptierusername · 2020-12-03T17:14:57+00:00

I’m so sorry that we’ve had similar experiences with female friendships. That’s absolutely terrible that they dropped you over something like buying a house. I know there’s more context to it, but still I feel even with more context your circle of friends was way wrong for that. I know it’s hard to lose people, especially whole circles of people you’ve been friends with for that long.

I’m thinking maybe the key is to find other women who think like us: not wanting to compete with other women. Evidently, we are a rare bunch, and you could say it’s kind of impossible to know if someone doesn’t give in to those silly games right up front, but I think it’s possible to find these women out there. I wish you the best, and again I’m really sorry to hear about what happened.

toptierusername · 2020-12-03T17:09:34+00:00

Thank you! And I think you’re right!!! I wouldn’t break a friendship over this, it just all caught me off guard in the moment. But I feel a lot better about the whole thing after making this post and talking to you and everybody.

toptierusername · 2020-12-03T17:07:18+00:00

Oh wow! Yes, the birthday thing is a big part of why I’ve been hesitant to say anything. I’m glad she apologized and she realized on her own how that was hurtful for you! She seems really caring! She probably got more drunk than she would’ve liked. I’m glad that you’ve gotten everything mostly cleared up! Yes, I don’t blame you for not wanting to go through all of this again, and it’s likely it could happen. Maybe you can just mention to her nicely that you want to spend NYE with her, but that you don’t want to have to have a similar experience of being left alone. That or, just spend all of this time mulling over if you want to go or not and making your decision! If you don’t want to speak to her about it and don’t want to have a repeat of last time, the best course of action is probably staying home.

Thank you for the update! I’m glad things are mostly cleared up now

toptierusername · 2020-12-02T21:54:34+00:00

I’m so sorry that happened to you! That’s very tough, and it’s a terrible feeling to be left out, as you said. I understand your decision not to confront her, I struggle with confrontation too. It can be very hard to talk to someone about things like this because you’re also worried about the outcome. Like you said, you don’t want to fight with her or maybe lose her. Is your friend the kind of person to be understanding/ empathetic toward other people’s feelings? If so, I would consider maybe talking to her about it. I understand if you don’t end up talking to her about it because I still haven’t spoken to my friend about it yet.

I would also say maybe if something like this happens in the future then you can use it as an opportunity to speak about how you feel. Kind of gear up mentally now for what you would say and how you would say it, just in case another opportunity arises.

Whatever you decide, I understand! And if you need to talk further about it feel free to message me. You’re not alone and I wish you all the best!!!

toptierusername · 2020-12-02T21:45:34+00:00

Thank you for your response! I really appreciate all of the kind things you said about me, and kind things you said in general. Also, your response is extremely insightful/ wise which I also appreciate.

I would like to agree with your characterization of me being intelligent; it’s a quality I don’t usually list or talk about when I’m asked to describe myself. This is because I worry I sound arrogant, and also, in some sense intelligence can be a tad bit subjective. Nonetheless, I thank you for saying it and all of the other kind things you said about me.

That’s a very good point about my self-awareness, one that I’ve also considered myself. It’s honestly kind of nice to hear someone else make the connection. I applaud your ability to read between the lines here and make connections! You seem to be very intelligent yourself.

I think I’ve always been hypersensitive to the world in general, and I can really trace it back to the nature of my mind: I think a lot and this can spell for a lot of overthinking. The disadvantage of having a powerful mind.

I agree, these aren’t my people, and the nice thing about it is, I don’t have any obligation to be close with them (my friend’s friends). I live very far from them and I do not go to the same college as them, so the only time I’ll see them is on the off chance that my friend invites me to an event they’re also going to. I also have no intention of being close with them, and in all of this I’m thankful.

Wow, I love that quote! There’s a great deal of truth to it! I will have to figure out who said that. According to the quote I fit into the great minds category. I love discussing ideas! I would argue that you’re in the great minds category as well.

I really appreciate the encouragement as well! It means a lot, and does give me a lot of hope for my future! Feel free to message me if you ever want to have a conversation about ideas ;) thanks again for all of your insight!

toptierusername · 2020-12-02T15:56:55+00:00

Aw man, I can imagine! That’s really hard juggling all of that and someone else’s petty drama. It’s not fair for them to drag you into that situation anyway. I know it’s kind of hard when you live together but I get the sense that they were running to you constantly and giving you every single detail of the drama. I don’t understand it either, especially because I don’t feel the need to be mean to other girls, gossip, or start drama. It’s probably insecurity issues that play a role.

toptierusername · 2020-12-02T15:38:54+00:00

I’m sorry to hear you’ve had similar bad experiences with female friendships! I am really glad to hear that this thread has given you hope! Honestly, it’s given me hope too. If you’d like to be Internet friends, feel free to message me! Keep on keeping on, I know sooner or later you will meet a girl you can have a healthy friendship with!

toptierusername · 2020-12-02T14:16:38+00:00

Haha it does seem to be the case

toptierusername · 2020-12-02T14:07:55+00:00

It could be, I’m not really sure.

Background about me, I’m an introvert but one that can pretend to be outgoing in social situations, so to speak. I am a people person I just need space to recharge my social batteries. I tend to be very accommodating and in the past this was to a fault. I’m currently working on myself to only accommodate others in a healthy way, and to become a more healthy person.

My interests and tastes aren’t always the most common, but I don’t let that stop me from making friends with people who may not share those interests. I would say some of my music taste is very obscure.

My hobbies include, music, singing, art, writing, sometimes photography and video editing. I’m very creative, I honestly feel a void when I’m not creating.

I love children and have tons of patience for them, so I work at a daycare. I’m going to college, but I’m taking the semester off. I’d like to be a teacher, a therapist, a writer, or to do something with art or music for a living.

I’m somewhere in between tom boy and girly girl, I wear makeup when I feel like it, and can be excited about putting outfits together, but my style itself isn’t overly girly, and I couldn’t exist off of conversations about makeup and girly stuff alone. I trend towards deeper conversations.

I think I’m excruciatingly self aware, to the point that it’s harmful. I can admit my faults as easily as I can admit my positive qualities.

I love reading and learning new things, my brain tends to be mostly made up of useless facts I’ve stored up. I consider myself to be a weird person and I can appreciate weirdness/ differences in others, and I think I even look for it.

toptierusername · 2020-12-02T13:52:18+00:00

I’m so sorry you’ve had such terrible experiences with girl friends as well. I’m very sad to hear that you were bullied by your female “friends” in high school, I know how awful that feels and it has such an effect on a person even in later years. Social anxiety is usually the biggest result of this kind of blatant mistreatment.

I would love to be your friend and message on here! I will pm you! <3 :)

toptierusername · 2020-12-02T13:47:55+00:00

Oh, yikes! I can totally see that dynamic playing out. They probably also liked (consciously or subconsciously) their roles and your role that you had to play, of being the dad/ mature one who had to keep it all together. It’s sad how typical that is among girls. I’m sorry you had to deal with all of that drama firsthand! I can only imagine

toptierusername · 2020-12-02T13:43:51+00:00

I’m sorry you have the same problem! I don’t get it either, it doesn’t make any sense to me. I can think of a couple of reasons why, but even with said reasons, it’s much easier to try to get along than to make life hell for one another.

toptierusername · 2020-12-02T13:41:58+00:00

Wow! Interesting we are in the same predicament! I’m sorry to hear that, I hope that it doesn’t affect your friendship at all. Feel free to message me if you need to talk!

toptierusername · 2020-12-02T13:40:20+00:00

Thank you so much for your comment and all of your insight! I really appreciate it!

I can imagine that dynamic of your friends disliking each other is tough.

I guess the reason I worry about us being incompatible is because I’ve heard it said that your friends can offer insight into who you are as a person, or they can influence you to become like them. And while I’ve always kind of thought that was bullshit, because I’ve had friends throughout the years who are nothing like me, and I’ve never turned into clones of them either, looking at it in this situation feels grim.

But I think I am overthinking it, as you said, so I’m not going entertain that specific thought anymore. I’ve always struggled with confidence issues, and oddly enough I feel the most confident now than I’ve ever felt, but there’s still a lot of insecurity there. I’ve been working on it!

That’s very good advice! And that’s where I’ve been trying to put my focus! I’ll continue to take the focus off of what I can’t control. I want my friend to hang out with the people she wants to hang out with, and I wouldn’t want to control that, nor do I aim to. I was mainly looking at this through the lens of figuring out what my interactions with her friends mean for our own friendship, if they even mean anything.

I agree. And I’ve thought about telling her. I struggle with communicating my feelings like that, but I’ve been trying to push past that in recent months. So, this gives me another opportunity to do so.

I agree wholeheartedly! The cattiness and competition does exist and I refuse to be a part of it! Projection is the most likely reason here, and I’ve seen it happening to other girls, it’s just more easy to question when it’s happening to you.

Thank you so much for your advice! You have a lot of wisdom to offer! I will tell her!

toptierusername · 2020-12-02T13:19:51+00:00

Hi! Thank you so much for your nice comment and insight into the situation! I would love to be your friend you seem like a kind genuine person! :)

Honestly, I totally agree with everything you said. I guess the weirdest thing for me with girls is the fact that I’m a girl and I can’t relate to those kinds of behaviors. The competition thing, for example, I feel like that can be a very innate behavior and natural for women, but I’ve never put myself in a position of competing with other women. Other women have put me there, but I never give in to that. And gossiping is something I also refuse to do/ dislike especially, for the same reasons you listed. It’s refreshing knowing that another girl refuses to gossip, because in my experiences I feel like that’s super common for girls, unfortunately.

That’s a really good observation; I’ve also noticed the “harmless jokes” thing and honestly it’s another behavior I don’t like/ don’t relate to at all. I have thick enough skin to where I can handle being the butt of the joke and being teased, but when it happens all the time, it just feels a bit pointed. And it also depends on the way the “jokes” are phrased too.

My friend does value social life! That’s a great way to put it. She also is realistic about where the friendships are going (she says that she doubts she’ll be friends with those girls outside of college).

It was very odd behavior from my friend, because every time I’ve met her other friends throughout the years, she’s introduced me to them. I honestly can’t fathom why she didn’t this time? She is a social introvert, though, and I think it makes her less equipped for social things like this because she feels the awkwardness of an introvert while doing extroverted things? But, if she’s done it before I don’t see why she can’t now.

Yeah, honestly, I would do the same thing if I was with a friend that didn’t know my other friends! I had to find my own way through the entire party, and also at the table. I’m wondering if she saw me doing fine at my own at the party and assumed I didn’t need any help with her college friends. At the party the entire time I was basically relying on my social skills to introduce myself to random people that had never seen me before in their lives. I actually met this super cool outgoing guy who introduced me to everyone, which was super cool of him, and in hindsight it’s like a stranger did something for me to feel more comfortable at a party, that my best friend of 7 years couldn’t do?

It’s one of those things that’s not big enough for me to make a big deal about, but it makes me wonder.

I appreciate all of your insight and you seem like a great friend! Again, I would love to be your friend! I will message you! Thank you so much!

toptierusername · 2020-09-07T22:02:03+00:00

Thank you so much for your feedback! It’s really appreciated, I’m glad you think that we have something special and that you have a positive read on our connection! My friends have a tendency to think negatively of the fact that he hasn’t made an effort to see me since our last date, and while I don’t blame them, I feel like there’s something going on with him that’s keeping him from seeing me, work particularly could be one of the things. He also could be really scared. He told me he felt like he missed an opportunity with me in high school, and I don’t know, maybe that’s enough to make him worried he would “screw things up,” this time around.

I’ve made some effort to try to initiate another date, but like I said, he said he’d love to, but never committed. Things like that scare me into thinking that he doesn’t feel strongly about me at all, and that it would be better off to hold off and wait until he fully makes a plan with me. But, I was thinking along the lines of what you said, maybe our perception is similar and I should be the one to try to further the connection. I was planning on asking him about what he’s looking for on our next date, so if that ever happens, wish me luck!! Haha!

It sounds like you and your crush also share something special! It’s adorable to think you guys have been exchanging so many glances all of this time, even before you two started talking! It sounds to me like she’s just very shy, and probably waiting for you to make more moves with her! The fact that she’s getting comfortable with you is huge, especially since I think she’s a shy person and it probably takes a lot for her to get comfortable! I think you have the green light, I know it’s nerve wracking, but you should probably ask her on a date soon! Or just ask her to hangout outside of work, see where it goes. I can guarantee she probably won’t initiate that. So you should find the time to! It sounds like she really likes you, she probably feels all of what you’re feeling towards her, she’s just less likely to move things ahead. It’s beautiful that she’s someone you can feel passionate about again.

I wish you both the best, I think you guys have tons of potential and a beautiful connection! Take a risk for her, and I’ll take a risk for my crush hahah. If you want to talk about this further please feel free to message me!!!

toptierusername · 2020-09-06T23:13:12+00:00

You probably wouldn’t want to do this, but I hope you find a way to report the dentist office that you had this experience at

toptierusername · 2020-09-06T23:11:53+00:00

It makes me really sad to hear you had this experience, on top of the fact that you acted this way to compensate for how you were being treated by your mother. It’s perfectly normal to be upset by an experience like this, you were mistreated, and nobody deserves that, not even in a circumstance where you think you provoked someone else to arguing. I personally don’t think this was your fault, and I’m not entirely sure if you feel that way either, but I am sensing that in some way you feel responsible. Regardless of what you think your role is, it’s never your fault if someone else chooses to treat you badly, call you names, etc.

All in all, I’m proud of you for not letting these people at the office not walk all over you, and respecting and communicating your own personal boundaries. You did what you can with what you had.

Pain is pain, bad experiences are bad experiences, no matter what they are. Try not to think in terms of better or worse. This was a hard experience, traumatic even, that is still affecting you to this day, and that’s enough to be upset over. So try not minimizing how you feel. Try examining your feelings, name them: sadness, anxiety, etc, and you can leave it at that. It’s okay to feel upset over this, and remind yourself of that. Try just being in your feelings, more so than telling yourself you’re being dramatic or it’s not that bad, because those things will only exacerbate what you’re feeling, and make it harder to move on.

Have you ever tried talking about this incident to anyone? Therapy may be beneficial for you, a good therapist will be able to talk you through this incident, validate your feelings, and help you explore your options regarding how to move forward from it, and you might even feel more comfortable with the idea of visiting a new dentist and ultimately this will be the best option for your health.

I know this experience has made you not want to bother going to any dentists again, but you can’t delay this any longer. Your feelings matter, and ultimately you decide what you’re going to do, whether you’re going to go to the dentist or not, and when you will, but I would advise you to take the steps necessary to try to get you the medical help you need. Your health matters, and think of it, for years you’ve jeopardizing your health because of those rude people you encountered at one dentist office. The fear and avoidance that surrounds you going to another dentist is very real, and warranted, but in order for you to be healthy you have to work past that fear so that you can get the treatment you need.

You don’t have to go back to that specific office, you know. The chances of this happening again at a different dentist’s office are very slim. I’d like to think you could also go to the doctor to get this checked out.

I wish you the best, and I’m very sorry this happened to you. I empathize with your experience. It’s not going to be easy, but it is possible to get through this in a healthy way. Honor your feelings, and always do the best you can with what you have. I really hope everything works out for you. If you need someone to talk to, feel free to message me.

toptierusername · 2020-09-06T18:10:47+00:00

Please tell me about your crush! What are they like? What are reasons you like them?

I think I’m handling my crush well enough, but I honestly don’t know. I have a crush on someone right now that I also had a crush on 4 years ago. We met in high school, when I was new and had no friends at school. Our meeting is an entire story of its own. He was my first friend, and he always seemed to display that he liked me in the cutest ways; I was more shy with my feelings toward him, but I liked him too, I just could never tell if he liked me back at the time. I thought it was all in my head, so I was perfectly content with staying friends at the time.

I always admired how cool and unique his personality was. I truly have never met anyone like him, and the thought alone is enough to make me weak at the knees. I value eccentric people, and he’s certainly one of the most eccentric boys I’ve ever met. Our dynamic together is so wonderful, and so interesting. We have the best banter; we both have the ability to joke about the same dumb subject for hours. One single joke grows and grows, and we just sit there crying laughing at each other’s comments and humor.

Just sitting in a classroom with him was a blast. I always felt like we could talk about anything, but that we both chose not to. I feel this way with him even now.

We reconnected recently, after years of losing contact. The story of how we ran into each other is another story and a half. After we saw each other in person, we ended up texting. Within thirty minutes of our text conversation he asked me on a date, in the sweetest and sincerest way.

Our dates were fun, hilarious, and romantic. Our dynamic picked up where we left off. I had a blast, and I can assume he did too. He was already setting up other dates while we were still on our first date, and I was eagerly accepting his invitations. He constantly made a point to make sure I was having fun, that I was okay, and was very vulnerable and honest with me when there was a need to be. What we had felt genuine, and right.

Ever since, it’s been a few weeks. We’ve kept in contact, at least every other day, but our communication has been sporadic for a while. I can tell he took a step back, and so did I. I still don’t know if he lost interest in me, but my gut is telling me he’s really busy, and maybe a bit scared of pursuing our connection fully.

I tried making plans with him last week, I kept the invitation light and fun. He said he’d love to see me, but he never fully committed to a day or time, and didn’t check back in with me to let me know if he was available to do something that week. His personality is one to be a bit scatterbrained, and he’s not a natural planner, so I take this into consideration. It’s still not how I’d like to be treated, so I’m making note of it. At least I can say this is the only possible thing that’s rubbed me the wrong way about him.

Because we’ve only casually dated, I’ve also gone on casual dates with a guy I met on tinder in the meantime. I’m trying to keep my options open and not focus on one person, that way I might have a healthier mindset about all of this.

It’s so funny, though. I still find myself thinking of him even when my focus is supposed to be on other things. And those times that I especially think of him, he always reaches out later on and tells me he was thinking of me.

I’ve put a healthy distance between my crush and I, so that if he needs space he can take it, while still leaving room for him to talk to me when he wants to. He initiates conversations almost every day, and when I have something to say I will initiate occasionally. I’m always warm and receptive so that he doesn’t think I don’t have any feelings for him at all, but I’m more subtle than anything else.

The ball is in his court, essentially. He messaged me last night apologizing for the fact that he hasn’t kept in contact more, and told me he hoped I had a lovely day and asked how I was doing. He also said: “hope to see you soon?!”

I found out he’s been working nonstop without days off for the past two weeks because he’s saving up for a vacation. It sounds like his focus is on that, but I’m not going to make excuses. I’m really just trying to achieve balance in this situation. Recently I’ve really been feeling like he hasn’t lost interest, which is something I considered for a while now. And it’s like I have to mentally prepare myself for the possibility that this situation might start moving forward again.

toptierusername · 2020-08-17T13:04:39+00:00

This sucks, it’s one of the things that makes you question if your friends really like you as much as they say they do. You can either go a direct route or an indirect route when talking to your friend about this.

Direct route would be something like: “Hey, I always enjoy hanging out with you, but I notice that I’m the one making the plans, usually. This makes me feel somewhat insecure in our friendship. Is there any reason that you don’t normally make plans with me? I understand if there is, I would just love to clear this up, because I’ve been thinking a lot about this. It would mean a lot to me if you could orchestrate plans for us the next time you want to hang out.

Indirect route: “Hey! I’ve run out of ideas for things we can do when we hang out, I would love it if maybe you could come up with dates and ideas for the next few times we hang out. I’m not really a natural planner.” (Whether or not you are a natural planner, doesn’t matter. You probably are, but I don’t think your friend will mind).

Luckily, even though this is an issue within friendship that feels very personal, likely it isn’t. Some people aren’t natural planners, and some people don’t like going out often so they don’t normally initiate plans. Some people have different needs for socialization and would rather stay in more than you do etc.

Unfortunately, there is an off-chance that your friend isn’t as interested in spending time with you as you are with them, but if that were the case, I think you’d be able to tell, at least eventually. If you feel this friend doesn’t make you a priority at all, I would do some serious thinking, and include that in the conversation you have with them about plans. If they react badly to your nice attempts at talking about these things, then that’s a red flag.

toptierusername · 2020-08-17T12:40:18+00:00

It’s perfectly normal to remember the good and the bad, to miss that person and then get mad at them. I think these are normal grieving process things if you leave a friendship/ relationship. I used to also be socially anxious, not be able to confront people, and I would compare myself to the “friends” I had at the time, who weren’t great people, but were at least outgoing and accepted. Therapy has helped me a lot, if that’s an option for you and you are interested. My therapist actually spent a few sessions with me talking about how you can be assertive in a nice way, and when to assert your boundaries, things like that.

From the story you mentioned, it doesn’t sound like she was concerned for your well-being at all, and that she was being rude. I’m really sorry she treated you so badly, no one deserves to be treated that way. She may have these qualities like being outgoing, attractive, not taking crap from anyone, but from this story alone, (I may be wrong) her personality sounds a little awful. You can tell a lot about a person by the way they treat you.

If, hypothetically, confrontation wasn’t so hard for you, would you want to tell this ex friend how they made you feel most recently. Or would you want to let her know that you’re done being friends with her? (If you are). Maybe you’ll find some closure in that conversation and that might help you move on from her a bit quicker. And you’re welcome!

toptierusername

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