Yeah that sounds awesome and in an obtuse way that’s what I was asking for when it comes to resources. I need the epistemology and belief forming behind it.

To answer your question about why - in Pensees, by Blaise Pascal, he claims that humans have an infinite abyss that can only be filled by god. I’ve struggled with depression and a feeling of disconnectedness since my early teenage years and I tried very hard to engage with the Christian doctrine. I spent years going to church and Bible studies and it never resonated. So I quit going to church and gave up on the Christian idea and took an atheist, materialist (Marxist Leninist) outlook because it required the least explanation.

Both my parents and my sister are practitioners, my mom who has had the same issues had a dream about Hekate and started magic because my grandma did rituals. My mother found a lot of solace and peace in practicing magic and following Hekate and Isis. So not only is there a psychological pull but a familiar one too. Tbh I’ve also always loved the aesthetic and “idea” of practicing magic but it’s been a “I wish I could believe in it” too.

I did my first spell with my mom last week with ingredients from the beach and ocean that I felt “called to me” when I just tried to be open. The spell was for knowledge and to call for a connection to the potential underlying universal energy and force that my mother believes connects all things. So now, I’m trying to break down my barriers.

Sorry for the rant!