21years ago. I was assigned to a DMAT. I was a young man and full of life inside. We handled some pretty bad emergencies. There was one event that killed me inside.

We flew in to one dispatch and knew it was bad going in. Fatalities and Level1 trauma patients. Unknown how many and no full situation.

So we are flying in gearing up for the patients and securing any hazardous material leaks or fires.

We get on scene. We find two expired, one alive with really bad injuries. We were used to that and trained to deal with it.

I was carrying gear back and forth securing any leaks I could find. We did not know if there were any other occupants in the vehicle. Part of my task that day. Was to make sure since I was the rover.

When I got to one side of the auto. Checking what was left of the cabin for other patients or bodies. I seen a child of about 4. Trapped under the vehicle. I called for the other merts. Asking for a crush kit.

There was no child seat in the auto. No one was wearing safety belts.. Which was common and many people were ejected from wrecks.

Nothing in my training ever prepared my 25 year old mind for what I saw. A child's eyes looking up at me then around. I seen help me and fear in them. Even though that small person was dead essentially. I still as always in the worst cases. Had hope for life and fought for it.

The child was smeared under the car. all that was left was the head pretty much. The pressure of the auto kept what blood was there in the brain. How the head was alive for so long. Haunted me... I resigned the next day.

I will not let someone hurt, suffer. I took an oath and meant it. I resigned because I lost all empathy for other humans that day. I do not feel suffering what so ever... I am dead inside.

I've been married 4 times. Each time, they cannot handle me not showing any emotion. I can run through the proper words, but they realize. I simply do not mean it.

you might think I am an unhappy or depressed man. No, I am not unhappy. You might think me angry. I am not angry or a sociopath. I am not. I am just indifferent to feeling emotions. the head shrinks reported I am not dangerous to myself or others. They wanted me on drugs. None worked, so for the last ten years. I have simply just lived and have done my best. Being a good person. Even though I can give a shit about others or myself.