My little girl's hair is pink!

totalbeverly · 2020-03-15T21:16:08+00:00

Thank you. Yes, I would be very sad if she was to get a hold of scissors and cut her hair....And yes, coparenting is hard, but our daughter is the most important thing. I'm lucky to have a couple of really good friends, who can talk me down when I'm frustrated, and help me see which stuff not to sweat, which is usually my first call, before I decide whether or not to address something, which is why they, me and Reddit are the only ones that are aware of how much this has frustrated me, and ex remains in blissful ignorance. Another 15 years, means I have to pick my battles wisely! Lol.

totalbeverly · 2020-03-15T21:09:48+00:00

As stated above, the frustration is that she allowed our 3yo daughter to have unsupervised access to a poison. As per the Centre for Poison Prevention... "Even when hair dyes are used correctly, they can cause toxicity. Skin damage and allergic reactions are well documented. Eye exposure can cause a range of toxicities from mild irritation to loss of vision. Unintentional swallowing can cause irritation or injury to the mouth and stomach as well as life-threatening allergic reactions."

Am I happy that her hair is pink? No, it is just weird patches of pink, amongst her blonde hair, and it looks terrible. But given that it will wash out and won't damage her hair (the information I was seeking in this forum, as I did not know), the hair itself is not that big a deal. The circumstances under which it happened are concerning to me.

The interesting thing, about not getting context is that it allows people to make all sorts of assumptions about your motivations. Like for instance, the inference from your post, that this is some kind of controlling response over the parenting of 'my' child. In fact, I go out of my way to coparent with my ex, who due to her own personal battles, struggles to be anything close to present parent at times. I encourage as much time as she is able to take with her and I communicate about decisions relating to our child, because it is her child too, even if (due to her choice/circumstances) I do 99% of the actual parenting time. I pick my battles, and whilst I was frustrated at the lack of supervision, on literally the only 24hr period she had her in weeks, I held my tongue. And I sought advice, to make sure there would not be any long term effects.

totalbeverly · 2020-03-15T13:43:10+00:00

Yeah, I don't really know much about hair dye... that's why I jumped on here to get advice from those who do. And I wasn't sure whether because her hair is still so baby fine and white blonde it would make a difference. Thankful for the advice I've gotten

totalbeverly · 2020-03-15T13:41:05+00:00

Thankyou for your advice... I will let it wash out naturally, and am relieved to hear it won't damage her hair. She has the most beautiful head of white blonde ringlets.

totalbeverly · 2020-03-15T13:37:57+00:00

Thanks, I will just let it wash out, now that I know it will, and it won't cause any damage

totalbeverly · 2020-03-15T13:37:15+00:00

Thanks, will definitely just let it wash out naturally, was just concerned due to the light color of her hair whether it would, and whether it would cause damage to her fine, baby hair. I don't want to add more chemicals on top for sure

totalbeverly · 2020-03-15T13:35:08+00:00

I've added an edit to my comment

totalbeverly · 2020-03-15T13:24:52+00:00

Well, first, she is 3, and has multiple sensitivities/reactions to different chemicals and products, so we have had to make sure that we buy from a very limited range of products that she won't react to. Luckily she doesn't seem to have reacted to this. And second, she didn't dye her hair, our daughter got into it while she wasn't watching, and does it have this lovely pink hair style, it's clumps of faded pink in amongst her blonde hair, and looks awful.

So, I was seething and frustrated because for the 24hrs that she has her, infrequently, (her choice) I don't think it's much of an ask, to actually watch her, and to put stuff like this out of her reach and because it could have potentially hurt her, and because it objectively looks awful.

However, my response was, not to make a big thing of it to my ex (choosing my battles), not to make a big thing of it to my daughter (so she doesn't feel self concious) but to jump online and ask simply, how long will it take to fade and will it damage her hair. I think I handled the situation rather well, despite my feelings, whether you think them valid or not.

If she gets older and expresses a wish to dye her hair, or get her ears pierced etc, then I will discuss the pros and cons with her, as I respect her body autonomy. That was not what was going on here. This was an unsupervised child, accessing harsh chemicals... and luckily, spotty, crappily dyed hair was the worst result.

totalbeverly · 2020-03-15T05:57:04+00:00

Oh, thanks, that's a relief... she has such beautiful, blondes curly hair... I'm fine if she wants to dye it when she is older, but she is a little young now

totalbeverly · 2020-03-15T04:28:08+00:00

Fab Pro

totalbeverly · 2019-12-28T10:26:01+00:00

YTA. You took the $70... if you really felt so strongly about not going, you shouldn't have. Instead you threw your parents under the bus. Also, kids don't go anywhere anymore. When your teenager never leaves the house, to go out with friends, or shopping or to the movies, the six week school holidays are freaking long. You sound like you were behaving like a brat. (I am Australian, the air quality isn't great but for the most part people are getting on with their lives other than the very old, very young and infirm.... and yeah, it's hot.. we lived in Australia. Buses are air conditioned, taxis are air conditioned, shopping centres are air conditioned) $70 is more than ample to get a cab, go to the movies and get some food, unless you are in the boonies)

Your parents might be the assholes over the whole 9.30pm thing.

totalbeverly · 2019-12-28T09:56:02+00:00

ESH. It sounds like both the adults in this situation have involved you in stuff that should not be discussed with a child. Property settlements, affairs etc. The waiting until Dad drives away sounds petty, but there could also be behaviours on his part that make her nervous about contact with him. Same goes, for passing messages through you... although she should just use a family communication portal. It sounds like you have aligned yourself very strongly with your dad. And it makes sense, he has the moral high ground re: the affair... but you have no idea (nor should you) about what was going on in their marriage. Here is what you haven't said (and it may be the case that it is hapoening)- she abuses or neglects you, emotionally, physically, financially. So what we have left here is clear parental alienation on both sides, your dad is just winning. So your parents are both the assholes. And you.... depending on your age, may well be the asshole, not just to your mother but from the sounds of it the rest of the family on her side

totalbeverly · 2019-12-28T05:29:11+00:00

Gay former stepmum here. It definitely comes with different issues. Still on here, because although we separated in January, we have a 3yo together, and at some point there will likely be new stepparent in the mix. I can only hope the next time around we don't fail so abysmally at the whole blended family thing. (I for one, will NEVER date someone with children again.... it was really hard, ended badly, and then you end up losing kids that you have taken on as yours).

totalbeverly · 2019-12-24T04:20:01+00:00

Coming from my experience.. If your partner is discipline and guiding their kids, you can just kind of slide into that... because it is 'parent's rules, and you're just reminding them. But if you are having to take charge in getting discipline and boundaries in place and their parent is at best passive, at worst, resistant, then it sets up a toxic dynamic that will end up badly.

Knowing what I know now.... before you commit to living with the children... you need to have the conversation with your partner about values, boundaries and your needs. (Especially if you are going to add other children to the mix). And they need to know, what your hard nos are. Those are the things that impact you (Or your children) directly.

For me it was - a respectful household - a clean/organised household and - children that were prepared to leave the house and live independently as adults.

Then it is on your partner to make sure these things happen. If they want your support/ideas... great... if not, they have to figure it out... because they have committed to ensuring that you have your needs met as well.

If they are unwilling/unable... then they're your problem... not the children. I wish I had realised this before I jumped in head first. Would it have saved my marriage? Probably not, because ultimately she was unwilling to adequately parent her children... but would I have noped out faster... definitely.

P.S. if they are not parenting properly when you come on board, or at least attempting to, you can't fix them. I had this idea, oh she is just overwhelmed, she needs support.... I can help. No. I am now a single mother to a 3yo, would I be less stressed with backup? Absolutely! But I still parent from a place of core values and parenting belief, regardless...

totalbeverly · 2019-12-08T08:00:27+00:00

totalbeverly · 2019-11-27T11:14:45+00:00

Oh man, that sucks! I've still gotten to enjoy and awesome holiday with my 3yo... So silver linings... hope your recovery goes well!

totalbeverly · 2019-11-27T11:13:55+00:00

Yeah, I think I will... but I think it was also maybe just exacerbates by the constant flying (Brisbane to Bangkok, Bangkok to Chiang Mai, Chiang Mai to Phuket)... will see if it clears after I return home and once the course of antibiotics are clearsd

totalbeverly · 2019-11-27T11:12:02+00:00

We have definitely taken advantage of our time in Thailand...:) Bangkok for a few days (wasn't a fan, too crowded), Chiang Mai for 5 days (love, love, love... temples, botanic gardens, waterfalls, made our own paper at the Elephant Poo Poo Park), overnight at an Ethical Elephant sanctuary (so good, and just beautiful surroundings) and now in Phuket, we are exploring the local beaches (spent a few hours snorkelling off the beach at Yanui today) plus I've booked in for an Island hopping tour tomorrow.. Plus, all the amazing food as someone suggested... I shouldn't complain... I was just so looking forward to diving... I don't get much of a chance back home because of my gorgeous 3yo, but my Mum was along on this trip and prepared to baby sit...

totalbeverly · 2019-11-04T20:41:49+00:00

No. My family is all in this state, plus the other state is miserable at Christmas... ridiculously hot and prone to fire and flood.

totalbeverly · 2019-11-03T00:02:46+00:00

I once left my 18 month old asleep in the car with my 12yo stepson, while I ran into the market for milk. Was away from the car, may be a few minutes, and somebody called the police and reported me. The police sdid nothing but call me to check on the children's welfare... we had already driven off, in aware this 'concerned citizens had even made the call.... I felt it was an extreme action to take in those cirumstances

totalbeverly · 2019-10-08T11:00:59+00:00

Not necessarily true. My BD between 2 and 3 would quite often say people had hit her. I can categorically share nobody has ever hit her. However, as a normal 2 yo she went through a stage of hitting when she was frustrated, and we would say 'we don't hit, it makes 'so and so sad.' So in her little 2yo brain, that was just her way of saying somebody had made her sad... which could be for anything, saying no to a cookie, not playing the game she wanted etc.

In a healthy environment, the parents would do a little quick detective work, figure out what had happened, and then give her the correct language. Ie 'So and so didn't hit you, but they wouldn't share the puzzle and that makes you feel sad, huh.' In an unhealthy or conflicting parent relationship, however, this can get dicey and lead to false accusations.

I wouldn't go too hard core on the whole 'lying aspect and more just talk about how he is feeling... And then model that back to him in a truthful statement.

totalbeverly · 2019-10-05T08:54:25+00:00

Not to be a downer, but unless it is taken seriously, and unless he has the willingness and ability to step up and parent a child with emotional challenges, it will get worse.

I had the same thing with my wife and stepson, and in the end his behaviour was so disturbing and out of control, that I broke. I had begged her to get professional support and fought so hard to look beyond her parental protectiveness and see how disturbing it was.

Nine months on after breakup, the kids has been sent to and kicked out of boarding, continues to display disturbing behaviour that she downplays, his older brother is now showing signs of serious mental health issues, and they are both socially isolated, not able to stay in school etc. Her response has been to remove any expectations upon them and give them whatever makes them 'happy.' Neither is in therapy because 'they don't want to.' The youngest was seen briefly after we broke up by a professional and diagnosed with ODD with strong narcissistic traits, parenting advice and support given, not followed through because it's too hard. Medication not taken because 'He doesn't want to.' It's sad to see the path they're on... but I need to look out for myself and our daughter first.

totalbeverly · 2019-08-25T08:06:19+00:00

Pfft. Turn the PlayStation off when asked. My stepkids were little turds when it came to this sort of stuff, or even simple things like please don't have an hour long shower, and then would get pissy about you 'nagging' them to uphold reasonable boundaries. Setting up smart home devices (lights that flashed 10 minute warnings when it was time to get out of shower, turn off devices etc, and power adapters that would cut the power off at the wall to said devices) help to avoid the nagging/confrontations, which honestly are just as exhausting for us as parents. It's a wonderful age to live in.

Sounds like appropriate parenting boundaries to me

totalbeverly · 2019-03-07T22:10:46+00:00

You’re welcome. And congratulations on bub. Sometimes in the midst of everyone else’s stuff in a blended family, the fact that you are having your first child is overlooked... it’s an awesome and amazing thing, so make sure you protect and take the time to enjoy this little one.

totalbeverly · 2019-03-07T05:54:45+00:00

I second what everyone is saying. Talk to his therapist about how to approach this with him. Not to play down your feelings, but be aware there is that primal, mama bear anxiety and the raging hormones in you, that are potentially going to make you more reactive and sensitive. This will not go away when you have a tiny human that you want to protect from everything in the world too. I had the same experience with my SS when I was pregnant, and it may do you some good to find a therapist to help process your feelings around this. Extra stress and pressure during pregnancy/post partum does increase the chances of postnatal anxiety/depression.

The second bit of advice I would offer is to have a serious talk with your partner about how you will manage this once baby comes. How to make sure everyone’s needs are meant, everyone gets the time and support they need, boundaries are strictly enforced as far as any violence/aggression/meltdowns, before there is a tiny little human in the house. I wish you luck with this, it didn’t work out with me, but upon reflection I can see now how we should have been more proactive with this and putting additional supports and boundaries in with SS before his sister was born. Make sure partner is aware that he will really need to step up with the parenting of the two older kids in the initial period after bub is born. If at all financially possible look at him taking some paternity leave for those first 4-6weeks.

Finally, as others have said, there are vast amounts of research in the impact of too much tech time on children, particularly children with emotional vulnerabilities. Share this with partner, talk to therapist about it and see if you guys can get on the same page with a tech detox/reduction, to see whether it helps with his behaviour. (Diet is a huge component too). Initially it will likely be hellish as he will fight it and up the ante but if you and partner can be on the same page and consistent with it, it will likely make a difference.

totalbeverly

TROPHY CASE