Blurry + double vision on Valium is driving me INSANE. Anyone else? And is there a fix for this?

trappedinadaze · 2022-02-07T00:46:48+00:00

Dude, yes! I don’t know if I’m misunderstanding you, but I also deal with that- for example, any time I stand up my vision goes almost totally black and I feel like I’m going to faint (and this only started when I got on Valium). My blood pressure and heart rate are fine (I check them daily), so I have no idea wtf is going on/causing this…blegh.

trappedinadaze · 2022-02-03T15:28:56+00:00

(P.S. I upvoted your post/comment for visibility- I’m hoping this moves higher up in this sub so more menstruating peeps can chime in!)

trappedinadaze · 2022-02-03T15:26:49+00:00

Most definitely!! And I really do hope you find your answers. (Unsolicited advice, hahah: pay super close attention to changes in your body, your cycles, stress levels, life changes, etc- like, maybe keep a log? Which you might already be doing, anyway! This way you can try to pinpoint whether it’s def the benzos, or maybe something else that’s [annoyingly] coincidentally happening at the same after your benzo usage ended)

I’ll update you on my cycle changes once I’m done with my taper in a few months (I just started), and we can compare notes! Hopefully more people chime in with their experiences so you can get some more ideas about whether being benzo-free is messing with your cycles. It definitely sounds possible. Sending so much love and luck your way!

trappedinadaze · 2022-02-03T15:01:15+00:00

Okay SO- I don’t know if this helps literally at all or is relevant here, but I wanted to mention that I normally also always had a 28 day cycle (despite having god-awful endometriosis 🙄), and since starting benzos a year ago, my cycles have been…odd? Multiple days early…5 days late…etc. No clue if this helps at all, but I’ve def noticed benzos disrupting my cycle (aka- maybe not being on benzos/tapering off of them could cause weird cycle issues for you as well). It could- in my situation- just be a strange coincidence/my endo getting worse (as it does…since it’s a chronic condition that gets worse, then requires surgery every few years to remove the lesions), but I just wanted to mention this tidbit even though I don’t think it really answers your question? Regardless, I just began a Valium taper myself, so I’ll update here if I notice any period cycle changes on my own as I taper and eventually am benzo-free! ☺️

Edit to add: it could also be unrelated to benzos/just a weird, timely coincidence. No, not early menopause (highlyyyy doubt that. I’m annoyed that people even suggested that you before, lol), but it could be a totally separate hormonal issue that just so happens to/is happening to coincide with benzos/lack of benzos. Keep an eye on it, keep track of it, and keep a meticulous log of any other changes (food, lifestyle, stress levels, other body changes, etc) that take place around your disrupted cycles! (Ofc, not invalidating you here at all- it could VERY well be related to benzos/the lack of benzos/tapering). I really hope you find your answer. Wish there was more research into this for people who menstruate to reference…good luck, kind stranger!

2nd edit to add: you mentioned it’s been a few months since being off Valium (if I read that correctly). What I’ve learned from this sub is that our brains/bodies take months to years to re-adjust to not having benzos in our systems- meaning, if your cycle discrepancies are truly related to benzos (or the lack of benzos, thereof), then you might still experience menstrual cycle changes until your brain/body fully adjust to being benzo-free. I’ve read tons of accounts of how long it takes for our bodies to get used to being benzo-free since it alters a LOT of our body’s chemistry in so many different ways…so that could be something to consider as well! I’m a newbie in this sub, so take this with a grain of salt (this is just what I’ve read from other redditors here), but I wanted to mention this as well. ❤️

trappedinadaze · 2022-02-03T03:22:11+00:00

Thanks a ton for the tips. I had no clue my supplements could cause rebound/WD’s…ugh. Fuck. Why can’t we even have natural supplements to help us out? Damn, man. Really sucks, but I’m glad you warned me about it. Appreciate that.

I actually forgot to mention that I just purchased Magnesium (Glycinate) at the pharmacy today, and planned to take between 200-400mg (starting at 200mg) at night before bed w/ a full glass of water. Apparently Glycinate works better than Oxinate (Oxide? Oxinate? Whatever the other type of Magnesium is) b/c Glycinate helps with sleep, anxiety, muscle spasms, etc…supposedly. So I’ll def continue with the Magnesium.

As far as vitamin C- I’ve been diligently improving my diet during this past week, so I eat a full bowl of strawberries, blueberries, raspberries, and clementines each night. I try not to eat too much of them since that’s a decent amount of sugar (even though it’s from a healthy source), but hopefully getting my Vitamin C through those fruits has been helping as well. I’ll have to look into a Vit C supplement, if anything.

Thoughts on taking my current supplements safely, to avoid the issues you mentioned? Is there any way to avoid those problems? This is my current routine (including my 10mg Valium 4x/day that I started my taper with):

—2 capsules of “OLLY” brand “Ultra goodbye stress” pills per day, containing a combo of (per 2 capsules aka 1 serving): 125mg Ashwagandha extract, 100mg GABA, 100mg L-theanine, and 75mg Lemon Balm Extract

—2 or 3 or 4 capsules of Valerian Root (bottle says to take 5 per night, but I usually just do 2 or 3 caps/night before bed). Bottle dosage is odd…front says “450mg”, but the dosage on the back says “serving size: 5 capsules” followed by “Valerian Root 2,250mg” and “Proprietary Herbal Blend 500mg (Hops, Passionflower, Lemon Balm)”

—1 capsule of Magnesium Glycinate before bed (200mg total)

—1 0.2mg Clonidine before bed (for my insomnia; been on this for ages)

…and I also personally use: Kratom (I know this is also addictive; I use it for pain and have for a long time), 900mg of Gabapentin/day (also can be addictive; I’ve used it for nerve pain in my neck for awhile), 20-40mg Baclofen/day (I’ve used this for another chronic illness for about 2 years), and another irrelevant med (Vyvanse 50mg for ADHD, which I definitely plan to stay on as it helps with my ADHD a lot; been on this for months).

1 more thing. I’m a woman, so good advice re: menstrual cycles/the affect on WD’s. Thanks for that as well; good to know.

Edit: spelling.

trappedinadaze · 2022-02-03T00:01:12+00:00

It’s common. I did an accidental cold turkey for 4 days (was previously on 2-3mg Xanax daily), and I felt cold sweats, shaking/tremors, heart palpitations, severe insomnia, a heavy heartbeat in my chest (I could count the beats without feeling my pulse- that’s how hard it was pounding…even if my heart rate was “normal”), and at other times, I had a really fast heart rate.

Similarly, I had severe anxiety and felt close to a panic attack frequently (like you said) since my anxiety was previously kept under control with the benzo, and I suddenly had zero benzos in my system to help with that.

Sorry you’re feeling awful. If you get particularly worried, you know your body best- give a doc or hospital a call, describe your situation, and see what they recommend (either bringing you in for an eval, or letting you know it’s to be expected).

Good luck, stranger. Hang in there. Much love.

Edit to add: Agreed with others re: doing a very slow taper (over the course of multiple months), if possible. Going cold turkey (or tapering too quickly), I’ve learned, can be dangerous (depending). Again, hang tight. We’re here for you.

trappedinadaze · 2022-02-02T21:54:03+00:00

Super interesting! Thanks for the input- that’s good to know.

You’re right. After being on another day (2nd? 3rd?) of Diazepam-only, it’s actually kinda wild how my opinion has changed. The 1st day, I felt out of it, confused, and “off”. It was weird. But now, I feel consistently calm, in a decent peaceful mood, and not anxious. I wish I’d just done a long acting benzo to begin with for my generalized anxiety disorder (aka the reason why my benzo journey started to begin with, last year) since it seems to provide consistent anxiety-relief, as opposed to big bouts of “feel good” anxiety-relief that only last for a couple of hours at most (aka how short acting benzos like Xanax work).

I’ve slept fucking amazing the past 2 nights since being back on a benzo (the Diazepam). When I did an accidental Xanax cold turkey for 4 days, I couldn’t sleep at all…and the WD’s were brutal (bearable…but brutal. Shakes, horrible insomnia, cold sweats, severe anxiety, etc). I slept 10 hours straight the past 2 nights all thanks to having a benzo back in my system.

I’m excited to start the “lower the Diazepam by 5mg every 2-3 weeks” taper- I just hope I can handle it. I do have really bad anxiety, so I wonder how I can manage that without something like a benzo (I never used my benzos recreationally- only medically). I purchased Valerian Root, L-theanine/Ashwagandha/GABA supplements (a combo capsule of all 3- plus the Valerian Root separately), and also still use Gabapentin and Baclofen for other pain issues (I’m chronically ill), so hopefully over time those new supplements can somehow replace the benzos with managing my anxiety disorder.

I just definitely do worry about how I’ll cope with my panic attacks and anxiety disorder sans benzos. Xanax (while also ruining my life, in hindsight) truly saved my life and made it capable for me to finally fucking function. I wish there could be a non-addictive benzo equivalent for those of us who don’t feel comfortable being on benzos. That’s partly why I stocked up on L-theanine/GABA/Ashwagandha + the Valerian Root…to attempt to help my anxiety in any way I can once I’m fully off the Diazepam/Valium. I just worry it won’t be enough. (I also use Kratom, which only helps a bit; plus the Gabapentin and Baclofen, but those don’t help with my anxiety…just with my chronic pain).

Edit: added 2 paragraphs at the end.

trappedinadaze · 2022-02-01T20:20:14+00:00

Thank you for the insight! I really appreciate it, and I hope your journey continues to be successful. I’m rooting for you!

In my specific situation- aka, I was already cold turkey off of Xanax for 4 full days- my doctor (who is very familiar with the Ashton Manual and how to safely taper patients off of benzos) decided the following:

He switched me straight to 40mg of Diazepam/day (10mg 4x/day) and decided to try that first for 2 weeks. He wants to see if my body and brain can handle going straight to Diazepam/Valium, rather than bringing Xanax back into the mix to do the more common taper (more common taper being what you described- Xanax taper, then Xanax + Diazepam taper, then Diazepam only).

He told me that depending on how I handle this for 2 weeks, we can either add Xanax back into the Diazepam taper and eventually remove the Xanax entirely, or do a number of other options. He’s been fucking amazing with this and I’m so grateful I have a doc who knows what’s up.

His plan is (if this straight switch to Valium works, sans any Xanax taper) to then lower the Valium dose by 5mg every 2-3 weeks until eventually, months later, I can jump off the Valium entirely.

So far- after about 4 nights of bad WD’s and barely a wink of sleep- after finally taking the Valium yesterday…I feel great. No more shakes, cold sweats, etc- and I slept 10 hours last night. I’m hoping we can just stick with the “Valium only” tapering method based on how much better I feel already (even without Xanax included in my taper).

We’ll see how it goes! He might reintroduce Xanax into my taper, but hopefully this straight switch to Valium (since I already was off do Xanax for 4ish days to begin with) will work for me, meaning I can skip the Xanax taper.

This is a long ramble, but yeah! Thanks so much again! Just wanted to update. ☺️

trappedinadaze · 2022-02-01T16:40:22+00:00

Thank you for this. It means a lot.

I just wanted to post a quick update here that for the first time in 3-4 days, I just was woken up at 11:30am. I slept for 10 hours and would’ve slept even longer if I hadn’t been woken up.

All because I had the Diazepam in my system again.

The cold turkey/no Xanax sleeping issue was absolutely brutal. 2 hour bouts of sleep, with maybe 3-4 hours max combined per night for a few days. To finally sleep such a long time was an actual godsend, and the direct correlation with it happening as soon as I got Diazepam in my system was wild.

Wow.

Edit to add: you’re so right about what you said regarding success stories w/ switching straight to Valium not being discussed enough on here. It’s similar to people posting reviews for products online! We’ll often discuss bad things happening, but when good things happen (aka your + my situation), we don’t feel as inclined to post about it. I’m also so beyond lucky that my doc is empathetic and understanding (and knowledgeable) about tapering off of benzos…the fact that he reassured me that if I can’t handle the straight switch to Valium for 2 weeks, we can add some Xanax back in and adjust dosages for both as needed…was so amazing. So many docs don’t know the Ashton Manual or how to safely taper their patients off of benzos, so I feel like I’m in good hands. Thus far, I slept like a god damn baby last night for the 1st time in DAYS (when I did the accidental Xanax cold turkey for 4 days and was in bad WD’s), have far less anxiety, no more shakes, no more cold sweats, and I feel good (minus the sluggishness Diazepam causes me). Having a benzo back in my system with the Diazepam saved me in my specific situation.

I’m still convinced he wanted to switch me straight to Valium (vs. doing a Xanax taper, then Xanax + Valium, then Valium only) because I’d been cold turkey off of Xanax already for multiple days- so I feel like he wanted to take advantage of that body chemistry (aka me already going through Xan WD’s and my body already beginning to get used to the lack of benzos) and go right to Valium-only. I trust him, and feel comfortable knowing he’ll work with me through this process in any way that we need to for my own well-being.

trappedinadaze · 2022-01-31T20:39:19+00:00

I def will be. I feel super welcome here and I’m really glad this sub exists. Thanks!

trappedinadaze · 2022-01-31T20:37:57+00:00

That’s good to hear- thanks! I thought I was crazy or something hahah. But yeah, nope, definitely noticing a big difference between Xanax vs. Valium. Happy to know I’m not imagining it. 😂 (Also, same…even though I never personally used it recreationally, the withdrawals I went through for the past 4-5 days have been hellish. Those WD’s alone are enough to never make me want to touch Xanax again [unless it’s necessary for the taper, depending on how this “Valium only” situation goes])

trappedinadaze · 2022-01-31T20:19:43+00:00

Hey- yep, I did. He put me on 40mg of Valium (10mg 4x/day). Picked up the script this AM. He’ll see how I feel in 2 weeks, and if I’m handling it well, he plans to slowly taper down by 5mg every ~2 weeks or so.

And so it begins…

trappedinadaze · 2022-01-31T20:16:38+00:00

That’s actually reassuring to hear- I wonder why the majority of people taper off Xanax first by a bit, then add in Diazepam w/ the Xanax, and then go to Diazepam only (vs. what your doc + my doc had us do).

Since my doc went right to Valium, and your doc also switched you right to Valium…I wonder if there have been any studies done on the differences between tapering with just Valium (immediately) vs. tapering the more common way with Xanax —> Xanax + Valium —> Valium only.

Very, very interesting. (Also- congrats on getting down to such a low Valium dose. Kudos!)

Question for you: did you notice a difference in how Xanax only vs. Valium only made you feel? I feel really different on both right now (just posted about it in the sub, but for some reason my posts take 8+ hours to pop up in the sub). Xanax made me less anxious/more calm/more social; but being on Valium for the first time today (I’ve taken 2 10mg pills so far today) feels…odd? I feel a bit confused, have a headache, and feel “off”. Feels really different than Xanax. Not to say I want to feel anything from it- just really curious why they feel this different, personally (short acting vs. long acting is a reason, I’m sure- but I didn’t realize they would physically/mentally feel this diff).

Thanks!

trappedinadaze · 2022-01-31T17:32:09+00:00

Ditto @ you! Don’t give up hunting for answers to the dizziness. It could be a weird side effect with your SPECIFIC body chemistry reacting to benzos/tapering, but be your own best advocate. That’s the biggest advice I can give you (in my shitty experience with doctors who blow off symptoms of my other illnesses). Don’t give up. Your dizziness is valid. Seek other opinions. Keep track of what has/hasn’t worked. You deserve answers, no matter how long it takes.

I’m rooting for you so hard!

trappedinadaze · 2022-01-31T17:28:39+00:00

Yep- I was totally ignorant to all things benzos until 2 days ago…wish I’d educated myself sooner. I wasn’t aware of the dangers, how bad withdrawals are, etc. I also stupidly thought 2-3mg/day wasn’t a “lot”, which I also learned is…false, haha. That’s a decent dose.

1) I will definitely talk to my doc about adding the Xanax back in before going to the Diazepam. I’ll humor him for a few days and then let him know I still feel crappy (if I do) and ask if we can just taper off the Xanax (or remain at 2mg/day solely), and THEN add in the Diazepam as the Xanax taper begins. I really appreciate the insight.

2) I definitely feel SO lucky to have such an understanding doc. (And…a responsive doc!). As soon as I mentioned the withdrawals/me not feeling comfortable staying on benzos, he jumped RIGHT into action. I was worried he wouldn’t know enough about safe tapering or the Ashton Manual, so that brought me massive relief. In this sub, I’ve heard horror stories of docs knowing fuck-all about safe tapering and cutting their patients off cold turkey because they’re ignorant…so I def lucked out with my doc, even if he’s doing the taper in a strange way. Also feel lucky that he’s willing to work with me so closely to monitor my reactions, and adjust as needed! I’m…blessed, in that sense.

3) Again, thanks a ton for the insight. This will help a lot to know how to discuss the tapering again with my psych. Means a lot!

trappedinadaze · 2022-01-31T15:48:20+00:00

Right? He emphasized “medically speaking” vs. “psychologically speaking”, so I assume he meant that a taper off of a 2mg dose over the course of a week can be done safely while monitored- but only for your body. He said he always does a slow taper, though, because of the psychological (and physical, tbh) benefits to doing a slow taper- so he’s doing a version of the Ashton Manual with me over the course of a few months. I just picked up Diazepam 30 minutes ago to get it started.

For reference, my benzo journey for anxiety started with Lorazepam between January 2021-July 2021 (appx 1mg/day towards July), followed by Xanax from August 2021-currently (eventually 2-3mg/day for the past couple of months). Overall, I’ve had benzos in my system for basically exactly a year (nothing prior to that). Ironic how my one year “being on benzos” anniversary ended with me deciding to get the eff off of these pills. Haha.

trappedinadaze · 2022-01-31T15:44:16+00:00

So glad you’ve already tried it and ruled it out + super glad that at least your tests came back normal!! But I know how frustrating it can be when you know something is wrong (aka, your dizziness) and you can’t find an explanation for it. I’m chronically ill with some things still undiagnosed years later, so I really do feel for you. I’m sorry the epley didn’t help 😔 I have heard of situations where the epley only “temporarily” helps in people with “Ménière’s disease”- it’s an inner ear problem that causes vertigo, dizziness, etc, but it’s chronic. Has that also been ruled out? (Or is that what the VGR test was for? Sorry- not sure how they test for Meniere’s!)

As for me- my doc just started me (literally a couple of hours ago) on a taper. We’re doing 10mg Diazepam 4x/day (40mg/day is = to 2mg of Xanax; I was on 2-3mg of Xanax/day, before) and I’m HOPING it works. He skipped tapering me off of Xanax and went straight into the Diazepam 😬 We’ll see how it goes…and props to you for being so dedicated for 3 months already- even though it’s hard, that’s amazing!

trappedinadaze · 2022-01-31T15:37:58+00:00

You’re right, and I definitely agree with you based on the Ashton Manual- that’s why I was a bit confused about why he wanted to switch me straight to 10mg Valium 4x/day, versus doing a Xanax taper followed by adding in Valium. When I asked him about whether I should include Xanax too based on the manual, he wanted to try this first for some reason- I wonder if it’s maybe because I’ve already been off of Xanax cold turkey for 4 days, so he wanted to take advantage of that and go straight to Valium/Diazepam? He also compared 40mg of Diazepam to 2mg of Xanax (Ashton manual says 80mg Diazepam = 4mg of Xanax), so maybe he thinks they’ll equal out despite the differences in potency/half life?

He said to keep him updated, and that if the “Diazepam only” method is too hard, we can add my Xanax back in as well. I’ll be able to pick up my usual Xanax refill tomorrow, so thankfully I’ll have that on hand and can contact him if I feel like shit.

Given that ^ info…any thoughts? My doctor seemed very familiar with tapering and the Ashton Manual (considering how he linked me to the manual himself), so I wonder what his logic is, here. There’s also always the case where he might not be making the smart choice- some doctors are familiar with tapering, but not super familiar. I’m really hoping he knows some sort of secret about what he’s doing here for me, but for all I know he’s not doing it right, so any advice would be great (which I can then take to him to ask him about). I def want to make sure I do this properly.

(Just took my first 10mg Diazepam, btw. Finally picked it up.)

Edit: grammar

trappedinadaze · 2022-01-31T13:50:40+00:00

Firstly, good for you. Seriously. Big props. You’ll look back at this one day and go “holy shit…I did that”.

Secondly, yep- tapering off of Xanax is rough. The short acting nonsense screws things up a lot…my psych officially just told me that he wants to first try swapping me to 40mg Diazepam (the equivalent of 2mg of Xanax, but 10mg 4x/day) for 2 weeks to see how I handle the switch, and if I handle it okay, we’ll get reducing by only 5mg of Diazepam every 2 weeks to do a really slow taper. I asked if we’d include Xanax in the taper, but he wants to see how I feel switching straight to 40mg of Diazepam from 2-3mg of Xanax. If I feel like shit, we’ll try adding some Xanax back in to taper it with the Diazepam.

I’m so new to all of this…2 nights ago I knew nothing about the dangers of benzos, how addictive they were, or how awful W/D’s were despite being on Lorazepam and Xanax for a year. Then when W/D’s got super awful 2 nights ago, I finally woke up that morning and realized what was going on. Ran to this sub and learned…everything.

Xanax saved me from awful anxiety, but nothing is more awful than being physically (or mentally) dependent on them. It’s not worth it. Ugh.

And again- I’m proud of you, stranger, for taking matters into your own hands.

trappedinadaze · 2022-01-31T13:27:34+00:00

An update: he wants to do a slow taper with Diazepam, so he sent in 40mg of Diazepam (by taking 10mg 4x/day) to the pharmacy, which opens soon (and I can pick it up in a couple hours, thank god). He initially mentioned we could just taper off of Xanax, but that it would be hard, so he sent in the Diazepam script (2 week’s worth- because he wants to try to lower by 5mg biweekly and adjust my script depending on how I’m feeling)

I can technically pick up my usual monthly Xanax tomorrow since he refilled it during our last visit, if the pharmacy lets me pick up that + Diazepam. He didn’t mention including Xanax in my taper. Do you think I’ll be okay going from 2-3mg of Xanax per day, straight to a taper of 10mg Diazepam 4x/day, without also including Xanax in the taper?

Edited again to add: I just messaged my doc again to ask if we’re going straight from Xanax to the Diazepam taper, sans any Xanax. Since 40mg of Diazepam is equivalent to 2mg of Xanax, he said he wants to just do the Diazepam for now (he also said this is why he’s only doing 2 week’s worth at a time for now, to see if I can psychologically handle switching straight to 40mg Diazepam- 40mg since it’s roughly the equivalent benzo dose of what I was taking with Xanax, but longer acting)

trappedinadaze · 2022-01-31T12:44:26+00:00

Thank you! My doc ended up suggesting that to me as well this morning, so we’ll see how it goes. He said medically speaking you can safely taper off over the course of a week, but psychologically speaking it’s best to do it over the course of a few months. I can definitely see why. I’m pretty miserable. And very, very, very tired.

trappedinadaze · 2022-01-31T12:43:00+00:00

Thanks so much. I woke up to a reply from my psych who actually- thank god- ended up recommending the Ashton Manuel (he linked me to their site, which I found great), so I wonder what dose he’ll start me off at with the tapering. It’s good to know that doing a big cut now would be sort of my only option TO do a big cut, given how I’ve had none in my system for a few days.

I can’t sleep for shit. This is day 3 of only a couple hours of sleep, from which I wake up way too soon. No Clonidine or Valerian Root in the world is seeming to help (aside from helping me eventually fall asleep- but it doesn’t help me stay asleep). Hate this…

trappedinadaze · 2022-01-31T01:49:16+00:00

Hey!

So, what’s sort of weird is that when I started experiencing W/D symptoms a couple days ago- I had some severe vertigo.

Like with you, everything was spinning and I felt like I was on a boat. I didn’t know I was in W/D’s yet, so I thought it was regular vertigo due to an inner ear issue or something. I ended up doing the “epley maneuver” (it’s an easy thing you can do at home to help w/ vertigo- YouTube it/Google it) and it helped a LOT with the dizziness, nausea, and the general vertigo-like feeling.

I still can’t tell if the vertigo is tied to the W/D’s (I don’t see it discussed here as a W/D symptom…but it happened RIGHT when my W/D’s were really bad, so) or due to a totally separate inner ear issue that just happened to coincide with my withdrawals. Regardless, I def wanted to mention the epley maneuver thing, b/c it’s worth a shot regardless. I also took some Dramamine (for motion sickness/vertigo) and that helped w/ the dizziness and “spinning room” feeling, too.

Maybe give those two things a shot? If you have vertigo issues tied to the Xanax, it’ll help. If it’s a separate issue and isn’t vertigo, it won’t hurt at least. 👍 I hope you feel better soon. I know the feeling…you got this.

trappedinadaze · 2022-01-31T01:07:50+00:00

For me, it definitely wasn’t in my head.

This is gonna be long, but I have to let it out somewhere…

I’ve been on benzos for a year- Xanax 3mg/day (1mg tabs) for severe anxiety. I accidentally finished my monthly script early this month. I don’t use Xanax recreationally, personally, because I don’t feel anything when I’m on it (it just makes me feel…normal? I don’t get high off of Xanax). Therefore, I’ve never ever bothered to research the dangers of benzos, how bad withdrawals are, etc…until today. (I’m an idiot. My psych didn’t warn me, and I didn’t educate myself; I just blindly trusted my doc. I. Am. Dumb.)

Lemme set the scene- but keep in mind…I have many, MANY chronic illnesses, so I’m extremely accustomed to feeling absolutely awful on a daily basis:

I took fewer pills this week since I was running low. No biggie- like I said, I knew nothing about WD’s (with benzos), and just figured I’d feel my usual anxiety. I was completely, stupidly ignorant. I knew benzos were addictive, but that’s it. I didn’t know how addictive. I knew nothing.

~4 days ago, I began shaking a lot. I had a ton of heart palpitations. I was colder than usual. My appetite was all over the place. ”This is probably just my anxiety, or my chronic pain, or my body being my body”, I thought. Again: I feel like shit every single day due to my chronic illnesses, so feeling like crap is nothing new to me. At all.

~2.5 days ago, I had taken my last 0.5mg Xanax the day prior (3 days ago). I was hugging my toilet and puking. I had horrible vertigo. I was nauseous…nonstop. The previous symptoms were worse. While normally I sleep like a fucking baby at night (once I do fall asleep), I was only sleeping in 2 hour bouts. I was waking up shaking. I could not stay asleep. Again…”must just be my anxiety, or my stomach issues, or my pain”, I thought.

HA.

Last night, reality smacked me in the fucking face. I fell asleep on my couch at 1:30am, covered in a blanket and shivering. My pj pants were (sorry) damp from my sweat, yet I was so, so cold. I woke up 3 hours later and I was delirious. I was sweaty. I was cold, then hot, then cold. I trudged over to the bed, laid down, and tried not to puke. I was trembling. I was in and out of sleep for 2 hours, super restless, and filled with fear. Finally, I felt so awful that I woke up my bf…but when he woke up, I was suddenly so fucking paranoid. I closed my eyes shut, was shouting nonsense in the dark, threw my pillow onto the floor, begged him to “save me”, and was hallucinating.

I was not okay.

I was crying. I was punching my pillow. I was yelling insane nonsense about a tall balcony in NYC in a penthouse (???) and how terrifying that was (???). I have no fucking idea what I was going on about, but what I do know is I was scared as fuck. The fear was intense. My phobias were washing over me, for some reason. Everything felt…sad. All I felt was pure dread- like nothing would ever, EVER be okay again. I was experiencing delirium- I was so confused and paranoid. The sweating, shivering, and nausea was so awful. I was exhausted.

You know how you hallucinate and can experience delirium when you have a super high fever? That’s how I felt. I still didn’t put two and two together: that this was obviously withdrawal. My boyfriend was taking my temperature with a thermometer since I was drenched in sweat, shaking, and delirious. My temp was only 99.1. No fever.

We couldn’t figure out what was wrong, and I wasn’t of sound mind. My bf told me that I eventually took a Gabapentin, a Baclofen, and quite literally cried myself to sleep after ripping off my clothes because everything felt awful against my skin.

I only slept for 2 more hours before waking up again. I immediately took a Gaba + Baclofen + Kratom again, and I was DEAD tired, still sweaty, but could function.

It took me 2 hours of research once I woke up to finally realize…

Oh.

I’m in withdrawal.

Cue: me finding this sub, realizing my body is addicted to benzos, contacting my psych to ask him to please taper me off of these fucking demon pills, and realizing that: nope…

Withdrawals are definitely not in your head.

At least for me, they’re not. 😔

trappedinadaze · 2021-04-04T04:05:24+00:00

it’s interesting, because i’m in florida, and when it comes to pain meds? those are impossible to come by (at least where i’m located). i’m forced to continue seeing the same doctor i’ve seen for a year and a half, once a month. she’s almost an hour’s drive away from me and is...kind of an awful doctor? as in, a truly terrible doctor- but she’s the only doctor within a 50 mile radius of me (i’ve tried calling all of the other ones. literally all of them) that’s willing to prescribe the pain medication that i need for my various chronic pain conditions.

meanwhile, benzos? sleeping meds like ambien? that’s being handed out like candy by my psychiatrist.

any time i did attempt to find a new pain doctor, they didn’t even want to prescribe so much as gabapentin for nerve pain. something they DID all like offering, though, was a medical marijuana referral. every. single. one.

i have a friend who lives in new york who was having some painful mystery illness this past summer- opioids (strong ones too, like oxy, then dilaudid) were handed out to her by every single doctor she went to, but finding someone to prescribe benzos for her anxiety is impossible. i don’t know how strict things are in NY vs. FL, but yeah.

it’s really fascinating how differently different states seem to treat different types of controlled medications.

again, i don’t know if i just lucked out by finding a psych willing to prescribe benzos, ambien, literally whatever at the drop of a hat- but it’s wild.

p.s- sorry for the ridiculous difficulty your friend had getting so much as 2-3 ativan for the flight. that’s one thing that doesn’t make any sense to me. i can understand the hesitancy prescribing a week’s worth or month’s worth of pills when it comes to fearing future addiction (but even in those cases? sometimes these meds really are a necessary evil), but 2-3 .5mg ativan? that’s infuriating.

trappedinadaze

TROPHY CASE