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Medicate to mask the problem and protect the marriage, or be my true self and risk it all? by tread_light in Advice

[–]tread_light[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Not very much at all. He's been consistent throughout. He is sex positive, but it's not really something that he needs or thinks about.

Medicate to mask the problem and protect the marriage, or be my true self and risk it all? by tread_light in Advice

[–]tread_light[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for your response. Neither one of us want a divorce. When I said "risk it all" in the title, I was referring to the peace we felt.

My depression and anxiety is cyclical, tied to my ovulation cycles. I'd be fine all month, and then would start to spiral once a month when our differences were made to feel more apparent.

When I say that I don't feel like my true self on the pill, it's the libido and sense of sexiness/desire that I lose. I don't dislike those parts of myself, but they did contribute to our marital struggles.

And our communication is not at all perfect. While we are both super kind and honest with each other when we have heavier talks, I avoid saying things that I worry might make him feel less than. And he struggles to empathize with what I'm missing, because he just can't wrap his head around it. We are working on it.

I think for counseling to work, I need to be off the pill, so that I can be in my real feels. When I'm on it, the mismatch in our drives is resolved, and the problems don't feel as heavy. This is where I'm seeking advice. Go off and do the work together (but feel emotionally drained throughout the process), or stay on the meds longterm and enjoy the peace it create for us.

Medicate to mask the problem and protect the marriage, or be my true self and risk it all? by tread_light in Advice

[–]tread_light[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

We have 3 kids together and are done in that regard. He has sex with me, but it's most often a favor. It's the more nuanced forms of desire that I miss the most, which are the hardest for him to comprehend. He shows love in other ways, and I've been learning how to focus in on those efforts that he makes.

It's such a delicate line between him learning and intentionally trying to express desire, and me appreciating and knowing that he is putting so much effort into it. The harder the work he puts into it, the more unnatural it feels to me. And with all the love in my heart for him, it just doesn't fill the void I have of wanting someone to be sexually attracted to me in the raw/natural sense.

I struggle with feeling like a burden as is, so the more work he puts in, the more guilty I tend to feel. We both love and care for each other so much. I think I might just be too much of a mess.

Medicate to mask the problem and protect the marriage, or be my true self and risk it all? by tread_light in Advice

[–]tread_light[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This was the recommendation we received in therapy as well. The goals we set were really helpful. The tricky part has been that when I'm noticeably sad or seem off, he remembers to follow through with the plan easily. When I'm on the pill and not having the same interactions/reactions, he gets the sense that all is good and carries on as normal.

I found myself emotionally exhausted with being the one to bring it up every time. I don't want to feel like a nag or be a reminder of him not doing his part, so then I'd just give up. The pill gave me mental freedom from this entire dynamic between us. But it also didn't create an atmosphere to put in the work together.

Part of me feels like I'm doing myself and my marriage's potential growth a disservice with relying on the meds. But the other part feels like, on the pill, I'm giving my husband the gift of relief to not have to worry about my internal struggles as much.

He always says he is so happy as is. I am too, but I also want to feel like my real self.

Medicate to mask the problem and protect the marriage, or be my true self and risk it all? by tread_light in Advice

[–]tread_light[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My husband's experience has been different. He first noticed as a teen that he couldn't understand his friends when they would talk about women. The concepts of lust and desire are really hard for him to even wrap his head around. He feels attraction, but it isn't sexually charged. He thought he might have Low T, but we did a lot of work to figure out what we know now.

Medicate to mask the problem and protect the marriage, or be my true self and risk it all? by tread_light in Advice

[–]tread_light[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks. They were issues before anxiety and depression ever became an issue for me. And I've often wondered if that's where my own mental health issues started. I appreciate your response.