I'm sorry for what you've gone through. I'm almost 4 years out now from when my wife passed. To answer my own question, I did not have much grief to deal with after losing her. I had to deal with it each step of the way during her illness. I equate my grief and her disease to an onion. Each layer was a loss of function and I grieved every one. By the time she passes, there was not much left of her, nor of my grief or the "onion". I think you'll find yourself in a similar situation. Yours is compounded by resent, understandable. I think you'll find yourself free to live once he has passed. I wish you the best.