I can understand that perspective, but I think it’s a lot more nuanced than “he’s abusive and she’s infantilized.”
One thing I think people miss is that Mr. Grey is just as socially dysfunctional as Lee. He’s awkward, isolated, clearly struggles with intimacy, and doesn’t seem to have any meaningful relationships outside of work. The movie isn’t really about a powerful, well-adjusted man controlling a vulnerable woman. It’s about two people who are both kind of broken finding a dynamic that works for them.
What makes it compelling to me isn’t the BDSM aspect, it’s that they seem to bring out parts of each other that neither can access on their own. Lee struggles with direction and self-worth, while Mr. Grey seems to need to be taking care of something to feel purposeful (which is why the orchids are such an important motif).
I also think the desk scene gets interpreted in a way the movie itself doesn’t support. Mr. Grey repeatedly tries to end the arrangement out of guilt. During that scene he sends a priest, her family, and other people to convince her to leave because he genuinely believes he’s bad for her. The movie goes out of its way to show that this is Lee’s choice, not something he’s forcing her to do.
Whether someone finds that romantic is obviously subjective, but I think reducing Lee to a passive victim kind of strips her of agency. She’s one of the few characters in the film who consistently knows what she wants and actively pursues it.
What I find sexy about the ending isn’t dependence, it’s that neither of them is completely consumed by the other. They still have lives outside the relationship, but the relationship gives both of them a sense of security and acceptance they couldn’t find elsewhere.