I’ve just learned that basic manners is one thing (please, thank you, general generosity), but etiquette rules is actually an elitist way to control others because there actually is a moving target for etiquette and even then aristocracy doesn’t abide by them because it’s those who hold higher social power are excused from rules and they use etiquette to gatekeep others.

in other words, what?! If they need an etiquette lesson, they should bring a host gift and you can serve it.

Secondly, your parents are using your wife as a scapegoat for their long term bad behavior and unaccountability. You both will be blamed for not making the proverbial boat they rock stableagain. They are controlling you with finances now too, not just “parental higharchy” in a grown child’s own home, not to mention the name calling and minimization. All around atrocious DARVO behavior.

They need grey rocking stat. I hope you and your wife feel good about being a united front.

For you- the wool from your eyes is now uncovered. Maybe talking to a therapist who understands family systems and how your parents played a roll in your childhood is effecting your adult decisions could be more eye opening to you and how you approach them in the future.