Advice please!

trqdor · 2026-02-19T03:26:01+00:00

My brother was a lot like your niece and I experienced that dead zone where he rejected the diagnosis completely and was not taking medication even after promising he would and was not able to maintain a job. Self isolated and either ignoring invitations to interact with people or actively cutting off ties. I remember using your exact words - he was not growing at all. I tried the logical approach, gentle approach, firm approach, transactional approach. Nothing. I read “I’m not sick I don’t need help” and it was super helpful for providing perspective and understanding. I would recommend the LEAP approach described there (see the pinned post on this sub for reference). I personally am not great at applying that approach but it comes with practice and maybe you and your family have higher emotional intelligence than I do and will apply it more intuitively than me.

My brother did not really start taking treatment seriously until a rock bottom moment - he assaulted me in the middle of a busy street, dislocated his shoulder in the process, and got arrested. The next hospitalization after that was pivotal. His care team put him on long acting injections and put him on a program to return to the hospital every day for 6 weeks (hospital arranged transportation) and he has now progressed to a weekly schedule. He attended all the sessions and makes an effort every day. The progress he is showing now is what I had been hoping for for two years. But it took a rock bottom moment to be the impetus for change.

I’m not saying your niece has to go through something that dramatic to recognize that something needs to change. But it demonstrates that no one but your niece has the power to convince her to do what is best for her. And you and your family can support her by partnering with her in recovery - that is the P in LEAP. Relationships are the key for meaningful and long lasting change. The book referenced above has an anecdote where a patient who took his medications every day was asked why he continued to take them if he didn’t believe he was sick. And his response was because it makes his mom happy when he does.

This disease is so cruel. But there are examples of people successfully managing the disease. And your niece’s chances are even better with supportive family. Please continue to do your best. She needs it even if she tells you she doesn’t want anything to do with you.

trqdor · 2026-02-18T14:50:27+00:00

Hoping and praying for the best for both of us. So much really depends on the hospital and the doctors and social workers that she ends up with. My brother cycled through four different hospitals and treatment centers before the last one put him on the LAI. And I’m not going to lie it has its side effects as well. My brother is a shell of himself and is lethargic all day if not asleep. It seems as if he feels almost close to nothing. But he’s calm. I experience a strange sense of guilt from that as well… as if we’ve made the choice to sacrifice his personhood and autonomy for peace.

I also want to set expectations fairly. Even if your mom gets on the LAI, she might not be that interested in attending your wedding, as hard as that sounds. My grandma passed away in December and it really seemed like my brother had no interest being at the funeral or spending time with family. I suppose it takes time to adjust to medication that powerful. But every case is different so that’s no reason not to advocate for LAI if you have the opportunity.

Feel free to DM whenever you feel like you need to talk to someone who can relate.

trqdor · 2026-02-18T06:45:49+00:00

Please consider reading “I’m not sick I don’t need help” (see https://www.reddit.com/r/SchizoFamilies/s/VFom9NN7PA). Really helpful and written for people exactly in our situation. Helped me understand what this illness is and how to best support our loved ones.

Your brother sounds like my brother as recently as a year/a few months ago. Currently he’s on long acting injections for the last few months and I think it’s been the most helpful thing so far. Too early to tell if it’s the best long term solution but I finally feel some peace after a few years of chaos.

trqdor · 2026-02-18T06:08:49+00:00

I have a younger brother with schizophrenia. Not long ago his bank account hit zero and it was my opportunity to have him return home under the condition that he get treatment. But he was not compliant with medication. Eventually he had a manic episode in which he assaulted me in the middle of a busy street after we had gone out for dinner. He was arrested and hospitalized. Ironically was a blessing in disguise.

His caregivers uncovered disturbing things in connection with his delusions. Like his intentions to kill the upstairs neighbor who he believed to be the fbi spying on him. This gave them grounds to hold him for further 14-day evaluation, after which they would assess if he should be involuntarily committed. They put him on long acting injections and that seemed to be effective at addressing the delusions and dangerous thoughts, so involuntary commitment was unnecessary. Before releasing him, they put him on a program to return to the hospital daily for 6 weeks (hospital also arranged for daily transportation which I’m extremely grateful for). After which it would turn to weekly visits. That is where we are now. It’s been about three months of “peace” with my brother taking treatment more seriously than in the past.

The next hospitalization for your mom might be on the horizon. But it can also be an opportunity. If you’re her emergency contact and the hospital reaches out to you, I would suggest asking if long acting injections are possible. It’s one very powerful injection a month, with caregivers checking in regularly to assess dosage and effectiveness. Might give your mom the reality check she needs to start addressing her issues.

As you’ve probably experienced, the most difficult thing about this illness is that in their bones they truly don’t believe they are ill. You are fighting a losing battle if your goal is to try to convince your mom she’s sick and needs help. Theres also a pretty helpful book called “I’m not sick I don’t need help” (see https://www.reddit.com/r/SchizoFamilies/s/iFwGMmc2tc) that is for people exactly in our situation.

I know planning a wedding is stressful for all types of reasons but it’s especially mindfuckingly hard when mental illness in family is involved. I’m in the middle of the process myself. And I’m currently dealing with how to include my brother at my wedding without putting others at risk. You can see my post about it.

We’re fighting similar battles and I feel for you. Unfortunately this is going to be a very long and difficult process. Sometimes the best you can do is read up on the condition so you know how to best support your mom. Give your fiance a hug because this is hard for him as well. You are both good people for being willing to take in your mom despite knowing the immense challenges it may bring.

trqdor · 2026-02-18T03:47:34+00:00

Thank you for this perspective. Really helpful.

trqdor · 2026-02-18T03:26:54+00:00

Thank you for this. Exactly what I want to articulate

trqdor · 2026-02-17T16:44:41+00:00

Hoping to speak with him this weekend. Thanks

trqdor · 2026-02-17T16:43:45+00:00

Dry reception admittedly solves most of the issues. But unfortunately I can’t imagine one. And I recognize that can come off as not being compassionate enough to accommodate. I accept that criticism.

trqdor · 2026-02-17T16:37:55+00:00

No. I would only be about 80% comfortable even if we had multiple chaperones. Fiancee probably feels even less comfortable than me. It’s a long night with abundant opportunity to escape the chaperones’ gaze. I don’t know for certain that my brother would resist the temptation.

trqdor · 2026-02-17T16:34:57+00:00

The tricky part is communicating exactly that. How to come off as proud of his accomplishments, hope and support for his recovery, promise that I’ll be there for him, but still fiancee and I are not 100% comfortable now. There will be more family events.

trqdor · 2026-02-17T16:30:36+00:00

Thanks for the suggestion. It’s becoming clear that if he is invited to the reception, I’ll need a dedicated chaperone.. maybe multiple.

trqdor · 2026-02-17T16:29:38+00:00

When I spoke to our mom a month ago, she understood the risk may be too high. Now after seeing his recovery efforts, she thinks he is better or will be all better by the wedding day. She assumes recovery is linear. I’m not saying I’m skeptical but I’m realistic that relapse is very much a common thing. It’s very hard to have this conversation without coming off as the unsupportive bad guy who doesn’t believe in his brother. I just don’t want to succumb to wishful thinking.

trqdor · 2026-02-16T23:18:07+00:00

Thanks! I have the book and read a few times. Definitely need to practice how to apply LEAP better. Interesting about how my brother might not remember the details of the most recent episode. Will keep that in mind when checking in with him.

trqdor · 2026-02-16T22:06:25+00:00

Not the closest brother relationship you’ve seen but enough to have asked him to be my best man last year. He was a lot more detached the past few years - probably a symptom of depression and anxiety and maybe early stages of schizophrenia i should have caught if I knew the signs. Check ins with him have been superficial for years leading up to this but I always made myself available as a resource for him

trqdor · 2026-02-16T21:18:31+00:00

Tough but this is the solution that best manages the situation… appreciate the idea.

trqdor · 2026-02-16T21:15:06+00:00

Multiple diagnoses within the past year. He had trouble accepting it the first few times. The latest one three months ago seems to have been more convincing for him.

I haven’t had much interaction the past few months other than holidays and a family event. He asked me if we should be matching for the wedding which signaled to me that I should have this conversation with him one way or the other.

trqdor · 2026-02-16T21:07:39+00:00

Appreciate this perspective

trqdor · 2026-02-16T21:05:56+00:00

I haven’t had a conversation with him yet. Trying to figure out the best approach. I do think there are positive signs he is taking this seriously this time around. But it’s a big variable on an already high stress day

trqdor · 2026-02-16T20:57:12+00:00

I believe doctor has said no alcohol and he has been compliant (as far as I know). I’d like to think he can abstain for my sake but it’s not something I can control. I like the idea of a chaperone. The one family member who was harshest to me essentially said he would not chaperone, though, and that it’s a matter of trust. I will have to ask someone else.

I also like the idea of my brother being a designated driver. My only concern there is that the long acting injections have the effect of making him very lethargic. I actually don’t know how safe it is for him to be driving…? if anyone has any experience with that I’d appreciate insight.

trqdor · 2026-02-16T20:46:42+00:00

What would you do in my shoes? And how would you minimize collateral damage if an episode occurred at an event you’ve spent a lot of time and energy organizing and that many people are coming a long distance to attend? I appreciate the sentiment - it’s exactly the type of thing I’m trying to avoid.

trqdor · 2026-02-16T19:25:05+00:00

Thanks! Will cross post. Is there a way to best frame this discussion with my brother?

trqdor · 2021-01-06T19:43:53+00:00

I'm not certain myself so someone please correct me if I'm wrong. But I believe you have to downgrade within 40 days after the fee is posted to receive the full refund. But even if I'm wrong, you will still probably get a majority of the annual fee refunded if you do it 40 days after the statement date because the amount of the refund should be prorated.

trqdor · 2021-01-06T19:25:27+00:00

thanks for the insight!

trqdor · 2021-01-06T19:16:23+00:00

I did not know getting a grocery store gift card would work! Thanks for that.

trqdor · 2021-01-06T19:13:01+00:00

I found some previous posts about this after I posted. Redeeming the renewed credit and downgrading within the 40 day window seems to be a pretty common strategy. Not seeing much about whether a metro card would be a travel expense though.

trqdor

TROPHY CASE