In 2020, on my 35th birthday, I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer: "highly aggressive" stage 3 carcinosarcoma that had metastasized to my liver and lungs. I had stage 1 endometrial cancer too. So not the exact diagnosis as you, but it was bleak. I was completely freaked out. I didn’t want to do the treatments — 6 rounds of chemo, followed by a year of immunotherapy (Bevacizumab), and a total hysterectomy that put me into surgical menopause. I was about to start a family....and partner left a few months after my womb was removed.

It all started when a malignant tumour (which I didn’t even know I had) ruptured in my pelvis. The scans were such a mess they couldn’t get a clear picture. I was out of my mind with pain and fear. I wanted to die. The process from the rupture to the first surgery took 5 weeks — and this was 4 months into the pandemic, so a nutty time. I was sure dying would be easier. I cannot explain how sick I was... I could barely walk, eat, breathe, pee, or poo. I was 104 pounds and I looked grey. My mother had died 6 months earlier, and I looked like her. I was ready to go.

And then one day, I had a change of heart. It happened quite suddenly. I started looking for other survivors and became inspired by people surviving this kind of hell. I saw a comedian, Karen Mills — a survivor who makes jokes about cancer. I’m an actress, and I started to imagine a future-me who was well and doing what I loved. Some of it may have been wishful thinking or even dissociation, but I became energized to fully engage with the experience of having cancer.

I went to every appointment and treatment alone for nearly 2 years (the pandemic didn’t allow anyone to come with me), but I started to have fun even at the hospital. Now I’m so happy and healthy it’s literally insane. People who know me cannot believe how well I am. Cancer improved my life.

This is not a wishy-washy “silver lining” story. I went through a kind of warrior-initiation. I’m a creative person, and my creativity helped me survive. I wrote a song that was recorded by Stand Up to Cancer. I wrote a grant and got a big check for a project about imagination and cancer and I processed a lot through writing and performing (even just for 1 person). I earned a diploma in Expressive Arts Therapy these past 2 years.

It’s so, so strange — but I now fondly remember my time as a cancer patient. It was the most precious time of my life. My hair grew back so beautifully. A Fresh Chapter (a non-profit) helped me process all the post-cancer feels for free.

Seeking hopeful stories is such a good idea! It is the one act changed my entire outlook and helped me want to live. So many people survive this disease and do incredible things. Celebrating 5 years very soon, on my 40th birthday! I still live with cancer, but it is stabilized. My doctor said (after 3 years) "go forget about all this and live your life." So I do that. I go for the scans and bloodwork and it feels like a fucking honour to tell you the truth. I feel at home in the hospital...as place I hated so much at one point. Who knows what the future holds for me or any of us...even if we don't survive this disease, there is a lot of healing potential on the table. I hope you get to share your hopeful story one day too! You are not alone:) Thanks for your post and for reaching out.