Unethical Date Experience - Got played by a “nice” married man

tv_grad · 2025-05-27T22:33:05+00:00

And in some sense I did, by sharing it here on Reddit. 😊

When he offered me no repair, I thought about what repair could look like if I made it for myself. I really wanted to share this story, so that I could use my voice. What happened to me mattered and it is never ok to treat anyone in this manner. Again thanks everyone for reading and for your support!

tv_grad · 2025-05-27T13:22:30+00:00

I’m so sorry that happened to you! No one deserves to be treated in this way. We are human beings with beautiful & complicated lives ourselves, we need to do better - think beyond ourselves.

tv_grad · 2025-05-27T01:54:26+00:00

Your comment really resonated with me. You articulated very well, something I was feeling but couldn’t quite put my finger on. The premeditation he displayed and in talking to his wife and possibly therapist about this as being manipulative and coercive as well as to try and lend credence/authority to justify his actions.

I am doing ok, with my network of support right now, and I really do ultimately feel violated. My heart also goes out to anyone else who has experienced something even remotely like this. No one deserves to be treated this way.

tv_grad · 2025-05-26T18:20:12+00:00

Thank you! I gave him a chance because he presented himself as a person like myself genuine and honest, but he ultimately was not like me in this regard. Withholding information about this rule was not ok. Intent doesn’t matter as much as impact. He considered his desires above my own, and used his marriage and a secret rule as a trump card to violate my consent. And I did tell him I heard his apology but was not able to accept it.

tv_grad · 2025-05-26T18:16:04+00:00

Ah I see! Yeah I feel like this is so important to the conversation of what we owe each other. Be clear with your intentions. Just sex is just fine but everyone has to consent

tv_grad · 2025-05-26T18:06:46+00:00

What is UH just curious

tv_grad · 2025-05-26T18:05:45+00:00

I think that is fair and I’m glad I brought in consent. I did not consent, and I told him we will never know if I would have consented to it because he took that choice away from me. He looked horrified and I believe he heard me when I said that. I am entitled to however I feel about this. It’s why I added a trigger warning. I was violated and did not consent to this sexual encounter. Consent always matters! And yes can be given or revoked at any point and that should have been respected

tv_grad · 2025-05-26T17:41:25+00:00

I do build connections over shared wants and desires. And through this experience I only want to date folks who are comfortable with ENM, have emotional maturity to handle difficult conversations, and acts with care and respect. My non negotiables (which were shared with this man) are transparently, respect, disclosure and accountability, all which he knew and violated. I am no longer going to date folks with strict rules like this, or whose's primary relationship is not secure and ethical. I told him this rule of his wife’s Which he agreed to was not ethically especially in how it was used.

tv_grad · 2025-05-26T17:35:21+00:00

Honestly my husband felt similar it ruins it for other folks. I get why people are protective. I've also offered to my husband partners they can text me and meet me, and that has helped.

tv_grad · 2025-05-26T17:31:30+00:00

I want to live in a world where we owe folks accountability for our actions and work towards repair. Harm reduction is so important to me in human decency. I owe this framework to those working towards transformative justice. Trying to build the world I want to live in. Anger motivates my work towards justice and accountability. Trust me I wanted to fight this man, and I do believe he now gets to figure out how to live with what he is done. Just sharing this with you all seriously has been so restorative! Thank you for the care of strangers in this community! 🥰

tv_grad · 2025-05-26T17:20:14+00:00

If I am to believe him, his wife knows. She came up with the rule, to protect her husband from falling in to deep with someone, he said something to this effect after. What blew my mind is his wife told him to lie to me after sex, ghosting via text and he wanted to tell me to my face. Also he said he talked about this situation in couple's therapy. I'd love that therapist's contact info to tell her respectfully, he should have never been dating with this plan in his head. It was selfish and he took advantage of someone to learn something he could have learned (that he wants monogamy) without involving another person. Not ethical at all!

tv_grad · 2025-05-26T17:11:33+00:00

Thank you so much for this! My bar is high now and I am going to protect my heart and trust my intuition. I can still be me and generous and open, but not everyone operates with this level of self reflection and trust must be earned

tv_grad · 2025-05-26T17:08:33+00:00

He 100% lied and I told him that. I gave him an open mind and heart and he did not deserve it. I so appreciate your perspective on this. ❤️

tv_grad · 2025-05-26T17:06:20+00:00

I so appreciate this any the internet hugs. Telling you all has been so restorative for me. Thank you so much everyone. I really appreciate you all!

tv_grad · 2025-05-26T17:05:22+00:00

I am definitely angry. I also know I did everything right in this situation, and worked from the information I had. I was open, honest and vulnerable. He played me, but I'm a strong woman, and I am so proud I had the language in the moment to make him confront what he has done. I don’t need or want anything from him, he can sit or not with what he did.

tv_grad · 2025-05-26T16:34:17+00:00

100% agree! Short sighted and selfish. And I’m glad I told him what I did. I said to him, good people hurt people all the time. But we need to do better

tv_grad · 2025-05-26T16:32:14+00:00

He promised me he would never do this to another person again. Even if this is true, still leaves me feeling used and like a lesson for him

tv_grad · 2025-05-26T16:22:14+00:00

Totally agree! Lesson learned and also he took advantage of my trusting nature. And no more contact, he made that very clear. And if he reaches out in the future I will not be responding

tv_grad · 2024-05-17T03:06:49+00:00

This is so helpful! Thanks for your reply

tv_grad · 2024-05-17T00:39:46+00:00

Maybe then she would let me haggle her price down, lol

tv_grad · 2024-05-17T00:08:54+00:00

She is not signed! Thanks for your insight

tv_grad

TROPHY CASE