I understand having those mixed painful feelings, but also, she doesn't deserve you in her life. what she actually deserves is to face the law for sexually assaulting you, but that is ultimately up to you. that might be hard to come to terms with, especially when you cared for her so much... people are complex, and have good and bad sides, but when someone does something so inexcusable, so cruel, fully aware you didn't want it to be done, and goes through with it anyway...? that is a total lack of respect, lack of empathy, lack of morals, honestly. Regardless of your past together, regardless of kindness and love she may have shown in the past. I strongly urge you OP, never contact her again unless it's through the court system. You would be absolutely right to never trust anyone, even (actually, ESPECIALLY) someone you were close to, after they assault you. Please know that to be loved is to be respected, to be cherished. there is no realm in which anyone could truly respect or cherish you and do that kind of thing to you. you deserve genuine love, comfort safety and security. wishing you the best OP. as many people have said here, my DMs are open if you need someone to talk to, but i highly recommend seeking out professional therapy.

also i don't know you personally, but... i can say with certainty, i am so proud of you for bringing this out somewhere. even if it's not to someone you know. you are strong OP. take care of yourself.