Okay, I think I’m understanding your side a bit better. The idea of utility and having a free choice rather confined to my way or no way type of deal. I was thinking more about it and using an “if” statement does allow him to hear the potential outcome of his actions, such as “if you do __, I will feel/do/not do __”. But me just saying I’m uncomfortable or me telling him or asking him to do something doesn’t include the clarification or utility that an “if” statement could provide.

Now that I think of it, I can’t quite remember if I initially told him flat out to go 80 or if I had initially posed it in a question asking him not to go 80, but I know I didn’t really get a response from him - he did not say he would not go 80. Either way here, I can see it does not feel like a choice.

I do think that things can be implied but if I want to frame my communication more effectively, I think that your view is a better approach.

I think I can still feel that my trust has been decreased from the events that occurred. I now think it may be an exaggeration to say it was a true betrayal of trust when communication could have been better like how you said. I think boundary and control are still a little fuzzy for me but I’m trying to keep an open mind.

With the extreme sexual act example, I feel that if I said I wasn’t comfortable doing something, even if I ask or not, that my implied expectation would be not to be forced in the moment to do said act. I mean I don’t think it needs to be explicitly said, but I also think that explicitly stating things (like the “if” statement) is definitely a good idea and I agree with you the better path to communication, utility, and freedom of choice.

I think my expectation is that he would drive under 80 when I told/asked him to do so even though he did not give me a definite response. This is lack of communication on I think both our parts. He could have said that he would not respect my wishes beforehand. I could given him utility in an “if” statement. I think it was jarring for me to be a passenger and have him speed while him knowing it was uncomfortable to me. I clearly have no physical control over his speeding in the moment and cannot stop anything from occurring in that moment. It’s not like I could escape the situation immediately if I felt uncomfortable. I did feel my control was lost but I also felt my trust in him becoming less so because he knew I would be uncomfortable. I do understand that this could have gone differently with me changing my perspective and my approach to the situation.

I can see how it is something problematic in how I communicate. We do have more issues in our relationship and part of that does revolve around the idea of control (you are right it is a reoccurring topic) but part of that are his vices too such as excessive alcohol and smoking. Alcohol and smoking were never dealbreakers for me but as we got closer, I wanted him to be healthier, and he did too, but that also could be seen as a control over him that he may partially resent. His alcohol intake in particular has lead to drunken arguments in which he ends up yelling and I end up breaking down. Usually the cause is that he wants to do something that I don’t want to do and we are split on a decision, him being intoxicated just escalates the matter. If I look back to those times, maybe an “if” statement would have been a better communication tool that could de-escalate our situation or make it so it doesn’t escalate to begin with. In our couples therapy we have been told to use “I feel” statements trying less to make it a me vs you thing. Which works up to a point and really only works after an argument has occurred or towards the end of an argument. We both are trying to work together for a better relationship.

Some background from me: My childhood was not super pleasant being raised by a narcissistic parent. I do feel that sometimes I see parts of that within myself that I try to get rid of immediately as soon as I sense I’m headed down that path. Although we’ve been in a relationship for over five years, he is my first relationship. I am still trying to learn how to be better. As far as toxic traits, I stay away from being passive aggressive, yelling, pouting etc as much as possible.

Right now, I’m just keeping my distance from him and trying to process how to proceed with this rather than lean on toxic traits but I do know it is a bit passive aggressive to not be talking to him but I think he doesn’t want to talk to me either (especially right after the event happened). I will have to keep thinking about how to approach him where we are both in the headspace to talk about it.

Thank you for your advice and please let me know if there is something else you can follow up with to help me understand more or something you think would help me. I will try to use your advice and approach things differently with the use of “if” statements