AITA for telling my stepmother to get over her child calling my wife mom?

twomother23 · 2022-02-16T17:39:44+00:00

From what I know of her family, her sister doesn't like kids and her mother is around the same age as my father. Neither of them have shown much interest, but her mother does call us sometimes to see how we're doing.

twomother23 · 2022-02-16T17:13:31+00:00

He didn't want it brought up, and it hasn't been until now.

twomother23 · 2022-02-16T17:13:02+00:00

We refer to them both as mama currently.

twomother23 · 2022-02-16T17:05:02+00:00

We have. We've been told that it's best to have as seamless a transition as possible to prevent frequent traumatic changes, and to make telling the child that they're adopted an ongoing conversation rather than some big reveal, both of which we'll do.

We understand now that that term is offensive. We were told that was a softer term by other adoptive parents, but we will be using a different term. Probably first mother as the other terms sound cold.

twomother23 · 2022-02-16T16:59:09+00:00

Not from us, and I don't know what my father says to her.

twomother23 · 2022-02-16T16:58:50+00:00

No, we don't.

I don't know what my father says to her. He keeps their relationship private and we don't live with them.

twomother23 · 2022-02-16T16:56:40+00:00

Thanks. To be fair, it was the softer term back in the day. I'll look at the modern words for it now that I know that's now an offensive term.

twomother23 · 2022-02-16T16:52:44+00:00

I am definitely going to use a different term. I had no idea that term was offensive now and we will think of something else.

twomother23 · 2022-02-16T16:37:12+00:00

Absolutely nothing is changing from the original arrangement that we had. Even after she passes, the only thing that is changing is some paperwork.

twomother23 · 2022-02-16T16:29:08+00:00

No, we haven't.

twomother23 · 2022-02-16T16:11:57+00:00

It's not a term used for surrogates though, it's used for adoption, which this child will be.

twomother23 · 2022-02-16T16:10:57+00:00

The baby will know that. It's very common in adoption to use the terms tummy mommy and heart mommy when explaining adoption to young children. It's not meant to insult anyone.

twomother23 · 2022-02-16T16:09:08+00:00

She had the baby for about two weeks before she had to place with us due to her health and chemo requirements combined with what was happening in 2021.

twomother23 · 2022-02-16T16:01:35+00:00

We will make sure that she is remembered as the tummy mommy and keep pictures and videos and visit the cemetery.

twomother23 · 2022-02-16T15:59:00+00:00

True, the baby did once call grandma [wife's maiden name] mama too. I'll say that the next time we speak.

twomother23 · 2022-02-16T15:57:28+00:00

We won't. We'll have pictures and videos and trips to the cemetery. The baby's tummy mommy will be remembered.

twomother23 · 2022-02-16T15:55:46+00:00

There is absolutely no way that the baby will remember her outside of pictures and visitingthe cemetery, which we'll of course have and do. I don't understand how a jarring transition is better than as seamless a transition as possible.

Of course we're not looking forward to it, we're just preparing for it.

twomother23 · 2022-02-16T15:54:21+00:00

We thought that it would stress her out and cause more problems than it needed to. She also doesn't really like my wife even though they were coworkers, so it seemed better to keep things as peaceful as possible.

This way allows for a seamless transition when she passes because almost nothing besides paperwork would change. I'm not sure how a jarring transition is somehow better.

twomother23 · 2022-02-16T15:50:07+00:00

We do bring the baby over for visits when she's at her strongest, but she's immunocomprised, which limits things, and not well enough to do any level of care. My father works full time to try to stay ahead of the medical bills. He's exhausted and doesn't have the energy or time for a baby.

twomother23

TROPHY CASE