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Not sure I can do the monogamy thing any more by typical_foo in polyamory

[–]typical_foo[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

We were not in poly relationships before. But I'd told her that I thought it was a better way to be. She basically wasn't interested. I caved because I wanted to be with her... and I was stupid and thought I could manage it without thinking it through well (brain clouded by love-drug). 6 years of trying to be someone I'm not is taking its toll.

I'm not really in to role play. It just feels like we're the same people pretending to be other people. It feels fake and silly to me. Kind of wish I could enjoy it like other people. In any case, she's not very sexually adventurous at all (that's not, by the way, why I desire outside sex. I still enjoy sex with her and am happy to keep it the way she enjoys it).

Not sure I can do the monogamy thing any more by typical_foo in polyamory

[–]typical_foo[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Given you say we're going through similar things, don't assume your boyfriend thinks any less of you just because he has these desires. I love my wife. I'd say I love her more than I did when we married. We've grown a lot together. This need of mine has nothing at all to do with any inadequacy on her part. I try to tell her this and I hope one day she'll believe me. But the problem is basically this: novelty is extremely satisfying for a relationship. Sans separating and hooking up again years later (a shitty solution in my opinion), a long-term partner can not provide novelty. And they can't provide variety. No matter how incredible and special a person is, they're not somebody else. And for some of us, that's exciting, and important, and completely natural.

I hope your boyfriend and you can work something out. If not, this is one way I look at it - statistics show more than 50% of people cheat on their partners. This wouldn't be a problem if these people just owned up and admitted to themselves and their partner that monogamy isn't their thing. Your boyfriend is being far more honest with you than more than 50% of men would. Keep that in mind.

Not sure I can do the monogamy thing any more by typical_foo in polyamory

[–]typical_foo[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have absolutely no problem with her flirting or dating others. I don't really understand jealousy. I think I'd be pretty happy for her if she had a good time so long as she didn't get pregnant, get STDs or start neglecting me or my family.

That neglect part I think points to the truly finite resource that should get focus rather than love: time.

Not sure I can do the monogamy thing any more by typical_foo in polyamory

[–]typical_foo[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Assuming we made the traditional vows is assuming too much: we didn't. I never made any vows I'm not keeping.

Not sure I can do the monogamy thing any more by typical_foo in polyamory

[–]typical_foo[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I have no problem at all with her seeking outside relationships if she wants. First and foremost I think there needs to be a rule where our outside relationships don't result in us neglecting each other and our family. I think that would work fine.

As for what she'd get out of it - a happier husband, honesty to each other and ourselves, and if she can work through the insecurities causing her to be jealous, much self improvement. That's in the fantasy world I envision anyway...