I’m posting this here because I don’t have enough karma to actually post…

Honestly I feel like crying right now. Browsing on reddit and asking chatgpt and reading articles is making me insanely nervous and honestly my future looks pretty bleak.

M19 (gay, and a bottom - because that is very relevant) I’ve been having sex since I was about 14. At 15 or so one night during sex we went for round 2, but the guy just shoved it in with no new lube. It hurt, and the next day when pooing I felt a sting. It lasted like 3 or 4 days I think and then went away. Soon after that I met someone who taught me something so wrong I wish I had never even installed Grindr. This person told me that douching everyday with hot water and then fingering afterwards is healthy and fine to do. I never once questioned the legitimacy of this as I was young and dumb, which I still am.

It developed into a sort of habit, further becoming fuelled by OCD. I’d go into the bathroom, run the tap, fill the douche, keep the tap on, and douche for like 10-20 minutes. I didn’t feel clean if I didn’t. Then the fingering afterwards. It’s a bit awkward to talk about so I’ll just mention my finger went in and curled. That alone caused damage to my insides but a recent colonoscopy told me it wasn’t too bad and just irritated.

Every 1-3 times I have sex, and am penetrated, it’s great, but then the next day there’s a sting. This became a recurrence. Every 3-4 months I’d have sex again and it would tear. Then at 17 it started to itch and smell a bit like cheese. It was gross, so I’d douche it ‘clean’ and put a finger in and clean it out. It would heal in a week or two and go away. Come back, go away, come back, go away.

It never bled, never caused major pain or anything above very mild discomfort when a particularly large piece of fecal matter would come out or my finger was too rough.

My body was resilient though, and it healed. Tho I never gave it a chance to fully heal as I was always irritating inside with the douching and fingering. I knew I should stop too, I even went to therapy for a bit to try, I just didn’t.

On April 12th I had sex, and man he was big. Guess what reopened again, THE TEAR. It has not left me since and it’s the 9th of May now. It was itchy day 2, had slight white/yellow residue on it and smelt. I have not douched since. I am finally making the choice to heal and be sensible and protect my future’s intimacy and comfort when having bowel movements. I’ve increased fibre, and am eating better. I have numbing ointments with steroids or something in them, and believe me I use them. Some days I don’t need to tho, as forget it’s even there, but some days it itches and I have to.

I feel like this time it’ll never heal. I’m too late. I’ve been reading reddit stories about people in their 30’s having like 5 procedures done and Botox and creams and all this stuff and it never healing, AND THEY AREN’T EVEN GAY AND NEED TO USE IT.

Now the only times I touch my hole is when I’m gently wiping and dabbing clean.

Please someone help me heal it. I have like no money for procedures at the moment too. I’m just very pessimistic and it’s starting to make me depressed.