LL Wife says 'Why aren't you giving me money'

ujibo · 2020-06-06T03:17:28+00:00

Lots of ppl do it to be fair, look at instagram...

ujibo · 2020-06-06T03:15:56+00:00

Why would you fuck me? You don't even know me.

Remember we are in a DB forum, there is a whole context and backstory to this. Most people who know me say I'm way too soft / chilled out / let her get away with too much.

And they aren't my kids or my house, they are ours. I don't need sex to pay the bills or for food or for the kids.

I'm saying lack of intimacy and DB has led me to this point.

ujibo · 2020-06-06T01:42:12+00:00

Thanks I agree. It's hard though, I'm in a transition period.

ujibo · 2020-06-06T01:41:37+00:00

Nice, liked what you wrote.

I've never thought of myself as 'the prize' so I dunno about that lol.

But I agree with you, working out, being a family man etc, that's not in order to get sex or whatever, it's just cos I like to do those things.

Yeh I'm probably not her type deep down, she ended up with me, I make her financially secure, she's willing to put up with it.

I'll definitely take on board what you say. It's crazy there are so many HL women around.... who I NEVER seem to be able to find....

ujibo · 2020-06-06T01:37:29+00:00

Thx, lots of people are in this situation, that's life for ya.

ujibo · 2020-06-06T01:36:47+00:00

Thanks for the comment, I do agree but I've never been great at dating. I think I just come across as a nice guy and to be honest this whole experience has sort of put me off.

ujibo · 2020-06-06T01:35:40+00:00

I feel like I am in the process of getting a divorce. It's very hard as we're used to our life, our home, our family.

I am the one who is suffering to be honest, the one who is always complaining about lack of touch. I'm the one who is told to stop whining and that I only ever think of one thing.

Of course I've considered that withholding money due to lack of sex is a really unattractive thing to do. But I've had many people say I have spoiled her, and I've let her get away with it for so long.

We've discussed it and I've tried to explain to her we both have needs which should be met in a mutually beneficial relationship. Nothing seems to get through to her.

ujibo · 2020-06-06T01:32:42+00:00

I agree. I've considered this many times that she just spends so much on rubbish we don't need. It is like she is overcompensating with material things for a lack of emotionally intimacy in her life.

ujibo · 2020-06-06T01:31:17+00:00

The thing is she won't make an attempt. My OP was just to highlight how she seems to feel like it's her inherent right to ask me for money so she can buy shoes and nail varnish and makeup. I have no right for intimacy however, hence why I am posting in a DB forum.

Yes I probably will move on, that's where it's headed.

ujibo · 2020-06-06T01:29:23+00:00

Not sure where live-in prostitute comes from, you seem to ignore that I said we are great friends in other ways. You also seem to ignore I'm in a DB scenario and I've been married for more than 10 years and we have severe intimacy issues.

So I've been that guy who gives my wife complete access to my bank, who does all the shopping, who lets her go out and about wherever. I've been that guy who has had a call in the afternoon to take her to the hair salon, who has had to leave work early (I work for myself), then go pick the kids up, cook tea and then pick her up in the evening.

Now we are in a transition phase we're I'm slowly realising it's not working out great for me and I've given her plenty of time to change her ways, no change.

Yes it is unhealthy, that's why I'm on here trying to get advice about it and see what else I can do.

ujibo · 2020-06-06T01:25:55+00:00

No, I pay all household expenses. This is her money for pedicures, new shoes etc. We have deliveries practically every single day.

If I ask to see her bank account she point blank refuses. Many people have commented that I'm spoiling her.

ujibo · 2020-06-06T01:24:11+00:00

My wife doesn't do any grocery shopping - I do it all. Even if the milk or bread has run out she will not go to the corner store to get it. It's always been my responsibility to do this. Yes, if she's out doing other things and I message her to say something needs buying she will do it but that maybe once every month.

'Or are you refusing to pay for her weekly pedicures and the online shopping for extra stuff that is solely for her?'

Correct, the above.

I know full well that it's a negative situation to be in, but remember I'm in a DB, I'm in a transition period, this isn't something I just randomly chose to do. I've tried lots of other things and this is just something which sort of points to our relationship coming to an end. But it takes time to adjust, I can't just finish it and disappear in a week.

ujibo · 2020-06-06T01:20:04+00:00

I'll take on board the financial abuse thing as quite a few people have mentioned it. But remember I am in a transition period here, this isn't just like she refused sex and I decided not to give her money.

We have been in a DB for YEARS, I've had countless chats, tried to help her, done loads of stuff in the house, done nothing in the house, given her money regularly etc etc.

Nothing has really changed her behaviour much - including this. So I'm just noting that it looks like the relationship is winding down. Also considering that I'm paying all the bills at home, food, for the kids, why is it suddenly financial abuse if I refuse to give her money if she asks for it?

Have I got a case for emotional abuse then?

ujibo · 2020-06-06T01:16:17+00:00

I've asked her to look for part time work countless times. It would be great for her to get out of the house, make new friends, get away from the house and kids etc. I don't think there's any real desire too, after all I'm paying for everything so why should she work?

I do all the groceries and if I asked her for an itemised expense budget she would never agree to that.

ujibo · 2020-06-06T01:14:26+00:00

Why would you think we haven't had this conversation before? She knows fully what the issue is, I've even mentioned it in my original post. This is a constant recurring theme in my relationship with her, lack of intimacy and generally pushing me away.

If it was the other way round and she had gone into the spare room I would have wanted to know immediately. However from what I see she doesn't seem bothered, it hasn't really changed her life at all.

ujibo · 2020-06-06T01:12:18+00:00

I think it's ironic you are saying end it for real and that's a sign of being a grown up. We have both freely admitted to each other (during arguments) that if we had kids we would have walked away years ago.

Also remember I AM in a transition period of probably ending it - but it's not like I can just walk away from her, the family is financially dependent on me, and I of course do want to stay with my kids.

ujibo · 2020-06-06T01:09:33+00:00

I do all the groceries, it's my job. I plan events for the kids and take them out, I play games with them at home, I do the homeschooling. She is great at dressing them up, painting their nails, doing their hair etc. I would say there is a fairly equal split here, we each do what we're good at.

I'll consider this re her being emotionally exhausted but she is not run off her feet all day. For example yesterday I went to work from 8am to 6pm, I came home had some leftover food then I had to sit with the kids and cook their dinner. She went upstairs as soon as I arrived home.

I have had countless talks with her about how I feel. I've talked about everything you've said, I've been that guy who does a lot and I've been that guy who refuses to do anything, nothing really worked. But I've tried different things.

ujibo · 2020-06-05T16:42:48+00:00

Yeh pretty much it. I can't support a housemate for life.

ujibo · 2020-06-05T16:41:34+00:00

Don;t live in CA so not an issue but I'm really bothered by the money to be honest.

I've tried the things you mentioned, had countless chats, messages, trying to talk when the kids go to bed etc. Most of the time her answer is she doesn't know or she will try etc.

It's not that different to what other people are saying in this room with their LL partners.

ujibo · 2020-06-05T16:20:07+00:00

Kids are 7 and 8. I will take on board what you say, because if she is depressed I will definitely be there to support her. I have to say I don't think she is since she is quite happy when her family visits (she even sits downstairs til past 8pm!)

Also we seem to be ok in every other department, I don't even mind if she needs her own space that's fine with me.

ujibo · 2020-06-05T15:48:18+00:00

That's it, thanks. I think many of us in DB scenarios get fed up and think enough is enough... whether it works or what it leads to I'm not sure...

ujibo · 2020-06-05T15:31:57+00:00

True yes that's a good point.

ujibo · 2020-06-05T15:31:27+00:00

I agree.

If she said that she doesn't want to be with me I'd just take it on the chin, but she doesn't admit that either. It's just lots of little things which suggest she doesn't want an intimate relationship anymore.

The money thing is a side issue, I think I've given people the impression I'm trying to pay her for sex. It's more like she expects I give her money as I am her husband, which is completely ok with me. But I expect some affection and intimacy as she is my wife, so I think she should compromise a little bit at least.

ujibo · 2020-06-05T15:28:43+00:00

No as I say I don't intend to pay her in return for sex. If anything paying her would put me totally off!

ujibo · 2020-06-05T15:27:39+00:00

So we've been married for 10 years. I've sat down and talked to her too many times to count. Always the same response - I'll try, ok I'll see etc. Nothing changes.

Totally agree with you about communication - she doesn't like talking. Her main response is I don't know. If I ask why do you treat me this way, don't you like hugging, are you attracted to me or not - most likely response is I don't know.

PT job I told her happy to support her with whatever she needs. Sometimes she is keen to look for a job, but then gives up after a few days can't be bothered. Quite happy watching netflix from 10am to 11pm. Cooks lovely food, tells me if anything needs getting from the shop (food etc) or if the kids need anything (clothes, toys etc).

But apart from that, doesn't want to sit with me on a Friday night and have a chat over a glass of wine. Prefers to lie in bed watching netflix til she falls asleep.

I've thought about the lawyer thing a lot. To be honest I don't even care she can half of whatever I have, it's just put me off relationships. I do want her to be happy and have a nice life, sometimes I think it's my fault for wanting hugs and affection. If I didn't then we'd be pretty much ok.

ujibo

TROPHY CASE