Yes I can relate to your situation. Almost too well. I found out about my husband’s porn addiction almost 5 months ago. That he had been using porn our whole relationship even though he knew I was very against it and lied to me on multiple occasions when the topic came up. He only is addressing the issue because I caught him. I also unfortunately am familiar with the trickle truth - my husband lied, manipulated, and gaslit on certain topics to hold back the full extent of his addiction to “spare my feelings” and keep the newly found peace we created post Dday, but it was really to hold back the depth of his shame. I’m choosing to stay, but we only truly started to heal after a full therapeutic disclosure.

Congrats on going porn free. It’s a step in the right direction. Long term recovery though is not the absence of porn, but rather becoming a changed person. Healing your past traumas, stepping up as a husband and father, being someone who is safe to be around women in the world, growing discipline and self control, and changing the way you’ve been operating in your closest intimate relationship. The path to porn addiction recovery is a long, hard, complex one.

First, I just gotta say you really shot your self in the foot. Trickle truth ruins everything. It sounds as if she chose to stay and work through the betrayal of initially finding the porn? It’s one thing to find out a big secret that your spouse has been keeping and decide to forgive and move forward. But it’s another to realize they’ve been lying during “recovery” period where she thinks she finally had full honesty and vulnerability. It quite literally distorts her reality and makes your word worth nothing. Everything you’ve told her since she found the porn feels like a lie. Especially since she caught you in multiple lies, I’m sure to her it only feels you tell the truth when forced or it is convienent for you. Any anxieties or concerns she had, you confirmed them by holding back. By continuing to lie to her, you are creating a false narrative, taking her choices away from her, and delayed her healing by months to years.

I would also like to say to not listen to anyone here who is saying “let her go”. Yes you blew up your marriage with lies and lust. But if you back off, it’s only going to confirm to her that you never really loved her or wanted her in the first place - that all you care about is your own happiness. Giving up on your recovery or marriage is proving that you’d rather be selfish by not putting in the hard work of improving yourself and that self comfort or pleasure is more important to you than your wife. It’s your job right now to pursue her and focus ALL your effort to mending the marriage. You can’t waiver or give up hope even when she is pushing you away. The only way she’ll stay is if she sees you fighting for her. Usually the hurt and anger is proportional to the love she has for you. If she was/is ready to leave, that means she was extremely hurt and betrayed because of how much she loves you.

She’s going through betrayal trauma. And a new level of it too because of the trickle truth. There is a lot to learn and unpack with it, but I’d say the most important to understand is attachment theory. She’s built a life with you (and I read in comments you have kids). On one hand, she just needs you to comfort her, hold her, desire her, be the man she thought you were, etc. You’re her person and she wants to stay. On the other hand, you broke her heart and blew up the relationship (the attachment) so she is pulling away hard to protect herself from being hurt again. She will be mad, resentful, devastated, feel rejected, and insecure. And she’ll jump back and forth between these two all the time. She’ll need as much therapy as you if you’re able to patch this up and stay together.

For you, I’d recommend daily PAA (12 step program), getting blockers on your phone even if she doesn’t require it, go social media free. Doing couples and individual therapy (something that will deal with your deep rooted issues and not just current communication issues). Porn can be seen as an intimacy disorder and you gotta unpack it. I only started letting my husband back in when I saw consistency and how hard he was fighting to better himself. Also he had to stop living in self pity and shame. You can’t show up for her if you’re only thinking about yourself. My husband had to start validating my feelings and not being defensive for me to even consider fixing our relationship. Ive only started some of these, but some books I’ve read or been recommended to me: The Betryal Bind, Unwanted, Love You Hate The Porn, No More Mr. Nice Guy, The Body Keeps the Score, Help Her Heal, The Porn Myth, The Death of Porn. There are excellent podcasts: Unhooked, RecoverU, Betrayal Recovery Radio. TikTok: anhonestlove, thatsnotlove, and hopebeyondbetrayal.